THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


By  MARY  KYLE  DALLAS. 


POPULAR  NOVELS 

BY 

BERTHA  M.  CLAY. 


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by  mail,  free  of  pottage,  on  receipt  of  price. 

BY 
G.  W.  CAKLETON  <fc  CO.,  Publisher*, 

NEW  YORK. 


"NEW    YORK   WEEKLY"   SERIES. 


BEING  THE  ADVENTURES  OF 

MISS    CHARITY    GRINDER 


WHEREIN   ARE   DETAILED   HER  NUMEROUS    HAIR-BREADTH   ESCAPES 

AND   WONDERFUL  ADVENTURES   WHILE   ON  A   VISIT 

TO    NEW    YORK    FROM    THE    COUNTRY. 


BY  MARY  KYLE  DALLAS. 


Come,  ye  long-faced  and  crabbed  ones. 

Who  eroan.  and  sigh,  and  fret. 
About  hard  times— there's  for  you 

A  panacea  yet. 
The  Grinder  Papers  certainly 

Will  chase  your  looks  forlorn, 
For  "fun  alive"  was  ne'er  on  earth 

Till  "  Charity  "  was  born. 

ANON. 


NEW  YORK:       V 

G.   TF.  Carkton  &  Co.,  Publishers. 

STREET  &  SMITH,  NEW  YORK  WEEKLY. 

MDCCCLXXXIII. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress.  In  the  year  1877, 

BY  STBEET  &  SMITH. 
In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washington. 


FRANCIS  S.  STREET. )  ^ 

{Proprietors  and  Publishers 
FRANCIS  S.  SMITH.      ) 

OF  THE 

NEW  YORK  WEEKLY, 
THE  LEADING  STOBY  AND  SKETCH  PAPEB  or  THE  AGB. 


To 

THE  READERS  or  THE 

NEW   YOJ\K   WEEKLY, 

WHO  FOR  NEARLY  TWENTY  YEARS,  HATK 

STOOD   FAITHFULLY   BY  US,  CHEER- 

ING    US    IN    OUR    LABORS, 

AND   BIDDING    US 

GOD-SPEED  ; 

TO     WHOM     OUR. 
PIT  JOURNAL  HAS   BECOME 

A  HOUSEHOLD  WORD,  AND  WITHOUT 

WHOSE  AID  WE  COULD   HAVE   ACCOMPLISHED 
NOTHING,  THIS  VOLUME  IS  RESPECTFULLY 

pEDIC/TED 

BY  THE   PUBLISHERS, 

S  T  RJS  B  T    &     SMITH. 


CONTENTS: 

NUMBER  PAGE. 

I. — CHARITY  GRINDER  IN  TOWN 9 

II. — CHARITY  GRINDER'S  SHOPPING  EXCURSION 18 

III. — CHARITY  VISITS  BENJAMIN  CLOOT'S  FOLKS 25 

IV. — CHARITY  GRINDER  AT  A  PARTY 31 

V.— CHARITY  HAS  A  RIDE 41 

VI. — CHARITY  DINES  AT  THE  KITTIKINS' 50 

VII. — How  CHARITY  CLEARED  UP  A  HOUSE 58 

VHI. — WHY  CHARITY  REMAINED  Miss  GRINDER 65 

IX. — CHARITY  ATTENDS  A  MATINEE 72 

X.— CHARITY  MAKES  A  MISTAKE 80 

XI. — Miss  CHARITY  MEETS  A  POSTMASTER-GENERAL 87 

XII.— CHARITY  is  ECONOMICAL 95 

XIII.— CHARITY  GRINDER  is  POISONED 101 

XIV.— CHARITY  VISITS  THE  HOPKINS  BARKERS 109 

XV. — How  CHARITY  ELOPES  WITH  COLONEL  KATERMOUNT 119 

XVI.— CHARITY  GOES  HOUSE-HUNTING 128 

XVn.— CHARITY  DISCOVERS  A  SECRET' 133 

XVIII.— CHARITY  SAVES  JONATHAN  FROM  A  DESIGNING  WIDOW  . .  143 

XIX.— Miss  GRINDER  EATS  HER  PECK  OF  DIRT 154 

XX.— CHARITY  GOES  A  MAYING 160 

XXI.— CHARITY  BECOMES  A  VICTIM 167 


CONTENTS. 

NUMBER. 

XXII.— Miss  GRINDER  DETECTS  AN  ATROCIOUS  PLOT *76 

XXIII.— Two  EPISTLES  DROPPED  INTO  A  CORNER  LETTER-BOX.   191 

XXIV. — Miss  CHARITY  SPEAKS  OF  DENTISTS I99 

XXV. — CHARITY  DISCOVERS  MORE  INIQUITY 2°6 

XXVI. — CHARITY  is  THE  CAUSE  OF  A  DUEL 2I4 

XXVII. — CHARITY  REVEALS  A  FAMILY  SECRET 223 

XXVIII.— CHARITY  DISCOVERS  A  BURGLAR 23 1 

XXIX.— Miss  GRINDER  PREVENTS  A  RASH  ACT 239 

XXX. — CHARITY  SHOPS  FOR  AN  UMBRELLA 246 

XXXI. — Miss  GRINDER  is  IMPOSED  UPON 2S3 

XXXII. — Miss  GRINDER'S  THERMOMETER  TAMPERED  WITH 262 

XXXIII. — CHARITY  GOES  TO  THE  CENTRAL  PARK 267 

XXXIV.— CHARITY  PERFORMS  THE  PART  OF  DUENNA 274 

XXXV. — PERFECT  LOVE  is  OFFERED  TO  Miss  GRINDER 284 

XXXVT. — Miss  GRINDER  MAKES  A  MISTAKE 291 

XXXVII.— Miss  GRINDER  SECURES  A  LAWYER 298 

XXXVIIL— CHARITY  is  ENGAGED  TO  A  MEMBER  OF  THE  BAR 306 

XXXLX.— A  LEAF  FROM  CHARITY  GRINDER'S  DIARY 313 

XL.— THE  LATE  Miss  GRINDER  HAS  QUEEN  EMMA  TO  TEA  . . .  320 

XLL— LAWYER  PERKINS  WINKS 328 

XLIL— CHARITY  RETURNS  TO  PEEKSKILL 334 


THE    GRINDER    PAPERS. 


NUMBER  ONE. 

MISS   CHARITY  GRINDER   IN   TOWN. 

"Is  this  me  ?  I  should  think  it  was,  Cousin  Martha  I" 
I  always  did  intend  to  come  to  town,  some  time,  but,  lawful 
sakes,  you  may  intend  and  intend,  and  nothing  comes  of  it 
but  intending ;  one  thing  and  another  puts  it  off.  The  first  time, 
when  Benjamin  went  down,  I  had  packed  up  to  go,  and  the  very 
day  I  had  such  a  face — as  big  as  a  pumpkin — bigger  than  any 
Ben  ever  raised ;  and  while  they  were  hopping  at  the  wedding,  I 
had  hops  to  my  face  instead.  He !  he !  Witty,  ain't  I  ? — al- 
ways was  a  cheerful  disposition.  Everybody  I  know  sets  store 
by  me.  They  do,  indeed  ! 

Yes,  'twas  a  wedding  Ben  was  going  to;  Peter  Tizzle,  my 
cousin  Sarah's  first  husband,  was  going  to  marry  again.  What's 
that  you  say?  How  could  he  do  it?  To  be  sure,  helhel  I 
mean  she  was  his  first  wife,  and  he  was  going  to  take  another — 
couldn't  wait  a  decent  time,  of  course,  though  she  was  a  good 
wife  to  him — never  knew  anything  against  her,  only  she  didn't 


io  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

make  his  shirts  as  she  ought — take  up  two  and  leave  four  threads, 
is  the  way  to  gather,  and  she  didn't.  Indeed,  I  have  seen  the 
tail  hems  run ;  but,  no  matter ;  she's  gone.  Well,  then,  I  didn't 
go,  though  I  mean  to  see  'em  now,  on  account  of  my  face,  and 
so  on.  Once  it  was  unexpected  company,  and  once  there  was 
an  accident  on  the  road  and  I  came  back,  though,  to  be  sure,  as 
I  was  half  way  there,  I  suppose  I  ran  as  much  chance  of  being 
blown  to  atoms  one  way  as  the  other. 

After  that  I  always  felt  scary  about  this  traveling,  and  I  wouldn't 
have  come  now  if  I  hadn't  wanted  a  new  satin ;  the  old  one  I'm 
going  to  quilt  for  a  skirt  Ain't  I  a  dear,  good,  industrious  crit- 
ter? My  underclothes  do  me  credit,  I  can  tell  you.  A  dozen 
skirts,  and  a  dozen  drawers,  and  fourteen  flannel  jackets,  and 

eighteen other  things,  all  scolloped  round  the  sleeves  and 

marked  with  my  name,  besides  my  nightgowns.  Brought  'em 
all,  for  I  calculate  to  stay  awhile,  and  city  washing  won't  do  for 
me! 

Where's  Minty  ?  Busy,  eh  ?  Won't  she  be  rejoiced  to  see  me  ? 
I  keep  her  in  such  spirits,  so  lively,  you  know.  If  I  hadn't  been, 
I'd  never  lived  to  get  here,  goodness  knows.  The  most  dreadful 
cabman.  The  moment  your  husband  comes  home,  Martha,  I'll 
make  him  have  him  arrested.  Man  with  a  blue  coat  and  a  soft 
hat,  and  a  wart  on  his  nose.  Don't  you  know  him  !  No  !  Law ! 
well  John  will,  in  a  minute  ! 

You  see,  when  I  came  to  the  landing  I  thought  it  was  Babel, 
not  New  York.  Such  a  roaring,  and  howling,  and  banging,  and 
thumping,  and  "Here  you  are,  up  Broadway!"  and  "Can- 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  n 

your  luggage  1"  and  rattle,  and  scrape,  and  bang.     I  just  stood 
still  and  wrung  my  hands,  and  says  I,  out  loud  : 

"What  did  I  come  here,  alone  and  unprotected,  for?  Oh, 
why  didn't  I  stay  at  Perkinsburg,  safe  and  comfortable?" 

And,  as  I  was  speaking,  up  came  this  man — how  queer  you 
don't  know  him — and  says  he  : 

"Have  a  cab,  ma'am?     Take  you  safe  as  eggs  in  a  basket  I" 

"Merciful  goodness  knows  I  will,"  says  I,  "if  I  can  get  into 
it.  But  what  do  you  ask  to  take  me  to  Cousin  John  Hawkins'  ?" 

"Well,"  says  he,  "to  any  other  person  I'd  say  twelve  dollars; 
but  from  an  old  lady  so  like  my  own  mother  I'd  only  take  ten." 

"Ten  dollars,  just  to  ride  to  Cousin  John's?"  says  I. 

Says  he,    ' '  Things  have  gone  up  lately. " 

"Yes,"  says  I,  "they  have.  Butter  is  forty  cents  at  Perkins- 
burg,  but  the  stage  don't  charge  but  eighteen  cents  clear  to 
Sprattown. " 

Says  he,    ' '  Stages  won't  take  your  trunks  in  New  York. " 

"Very  well,"  says  I,  "they  must  go;  couldn't  leave  'em  on 
the  wharf  until  John's  boys  brought  'em  up,  for  I'd  never  see  'em 
again — but  ten  dollars " 

"Nine  and  a  half,  then,"  says  he,  "though  I'll  go  without 
my  supper  for  it. " 

That  I  didn't  believe,  Martha,  do  you  ? 

Well,  I  agreed.  I  think  I'd  agreed  to  anything  to  save  my- 
self from  being  crushed,  for  there  was  a  market-wagon  one  side 
and  a  coal-cart  on  the  other,  and  a  carriage  coming  up  behind, 
and  four  men  with  wheelbarrows  coming  the  other  way,  right 
down  on  me. 


12  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Says  I,  "put  me  in,  Mr.  Cabman.  Shut  me  up  safe,  and 
take  me  to  Cousin  John's. "  And,  before  I  knew  it,  there  I  was 
on  as  nice  a  cushion,  with  a  carpet  for  my  feet,  as  ever  you  saw. 
And  he  put  my  trunks  on,  and  gave  me  my  carpet-bag,  and 
acted  up  to  that  time  like  a  gentleman.  But  he  was  a  rascal  all 
the  same,  for  after  he'd  driven  me  not  more  than  two  blocks 
through  a  place  where  I  suppose  there'd  been  a  riot,  for  sugar 
hogsheads  laid  all  about,  and  boxes  were  piled  up  and  tumbled 
over  in  heaps,  he  stops. 

"Ma'am,"  says  he,  peeping  in  at  the  window  in  the  roof, 
"where  shall  I  drive  to?" 

"Cousin  John  Mawkins,"  says  I. 

"Where's  that,  ma'am?"  says  he. 

"Oh,  I  forgot  the  street,"  says  I,  "but  it's  a  long  one,  with 
brown-stone  houses  and  high  stoops. " 

Says  he,  "New  York  is  full  of  such;  please  remember  the 
name  and  number. " 

"Can't,"  says  I.  "But  I've  got  it  in  my  brown  paper  parcel 
on  a  card. " 

So  I  looked  for  the  parcel,  and,  lo  and  behold,  it  wasn't  there ! 
Not  on  the  seat  nor  on  the  floor. 

"It's  gone!"  says  I. 

' '  Have  to  think  where  the  house  is,  ma'am, "  says  he. 

So  I  thought,  but  it  was  like  thinking  of  the  multiplication- 
table  when  I  went  to  school.  I  remembered  all  sorts  of  num- 
bers, but  couldn't  tell  which  was  the  right  one. 

"I'm  not  sure  it  isn't  number  25  Five-hundred-and-eighth 
street,"  says  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  13 

"Ain't  any  street  of  that  number,"  says  he. 

"Oh  !"  says  I,    "lawful  sakes  !" 

' '  Perhaps  it's  eighth  street, "  says  he. 

"No,"  says  I. 

Then,  all  of  a  sudden,  I  remembered  and  saw  just  as  plain  as 
day  what  he  was  doing. 

Says  I,  "Ain't  you  ashamed,  an  able-bodied  man  like  you,  to 
try  to  cheat  an  old  lady !" 

' '  Haven't  overcharged  a  cent, "  says  he. 

"Tisn't  overcharge,"  says  I.  "You  know  what  I  mean. 
You  know  the  city,  I  don't ;  of  course  you  know  where  John 
Mawkins  lives." 

"  Is  he  a  public  man  ?"  says  he 

"I  should  think  so,"  says  I.  "Kept  a  hardware  store  for 
twenty  years  before  he  retired  and  married  Cousin  Martha.  He's 
got  an  awful  long  nose,  sort  o'  askew,  and  gray  eyes.  About 
five  feet  six  inches,  and  dyes  his  hair.  They've  got  a  daughter 
named  Minty,  and  they  wrote  to  me  that  she  was  being  courted 
by  a  young  man  of  the  name  of  Brown.  House  is  brown-stone, 
with  a  high  stoop,  they  tell  me.  Now,  don't  pretend  any  more, 
but  take  me  there.  I  ain't  green,  if  I  am  from  the  country." 

Says  he — oh,  what  a  wretch  he  was — 

"I  can't  find  it  unless  I  have  street  and  number,  ma'am." 

"You  shall,"  says  I. 

"I'm  very  sorry,  ma'am,"  says  he,  "but,  perhaps  you  remem- 
ber some  other  person  you  could  go  to?" 

"To  be  sure,"  says  I.      "There's  Cousin  Fizzle  and  his  sec* 


14  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

ond  wife;  and  my  niece  Amanda,  married  to  Oliver  Pedge,  a 
printer ;  and  Mr.  Twombly  and  his  sister ;  and  the  Rev.  Ozias 
Black,  if  he's  living ;  and  Miscindy  Knobs,  the  dressmaker,  if 
she  hasn't  caught  a  husband,  which  isn't  likely,  for  she's  as 
homely  as  a  rail  fence,  and  past  thirty." 

"Well,"  says  he,  "now  we're  all  right  Where  does  any  one 
of  'em  live?" 

"Don't^w  know?"  says  I. 

"I  don't,"  says  he. 

"Nor  I  neither,"  says  I,  "unless  I  had  my  letters  here  out  of 
the  old  desk  at  home.  I  calculate  Martha  will  take  me  to  see 
them.  Come,  now,  you  do  know.  Our  stage-driver  at  Perkins- 
burg  knows  everybody  there. " 

"This  is  cutting  it  too  fat,  old  lady,"  says  he.  "A  fellow 
can't  know  all  New  York.  If  you  can't  remember  a  number, 
p'raps  you'll  go  to  a  hotel. " 

"No,"  says  I;  "you're  paid  to  take  me  to  John  Mawkins', 
and  here  I'll  sit  until  you  do. " 

At  that  he  got  into  a  rage,  and  down  he  climbed  and  opened 
the  door. 

"I  sha'n't  charge  you  for  these  two  blocks,"  says  he.  "Will 
you  take  your  money  back  and  get  out?  Maybe  sitting  on  your 
trunks  will  bring  back  your  memory,  ma'am. " 

' '  I  won't  get  out, "  says  I. 

"  Then  you'll  go  to  a  hotel  ?" 

"No  taverns  for  me,"  says  I. 

Then  he  swore — he  did,  indeed— right  at  ma. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  15 

He  shut  the  door  and  went  away  a  moment,  and  when  he 
came  back  a  military  gentleman  was  with  him — a  splendid  man, 
with  a  dark  blue  uniform,  with  brass  buttons,  and  a  thingumyjig 
with  a  chain  on  his  breast.  Says  he,  just  like  a  military  man — • 
rough  and  ready,  you  know — 

"Hallo,  now!  what's  the  muss ?" 

Said  I,  "Thank  you  for  asking,  general;  .it's  this  man — pre- 
tends to  be  a  cab-driver,  and  don't  know  any  one  in  New  York." 

The  driver  struck  in  then  and  explained  matters  his  own  way, 
and  the  military  gentleman  says  : 

"My  good  lady,  you  must  really  go  to  a  hotel." 

"If  it's  your  advice,  general,  I'll  go,"  says  I. 

Then  he  says,    "All  right — go  ahead,  driver." 

Driver  says,    "Take  you  to  the  Astor,  ma'am?" 

Says  I,  "One's  as  good  as  the  other.  I  suppose  they  can  tell 
me  there." 

' '  Yes, "  says  the  man,  and  away  we  drove. 

Well,  at  the  hotel  out  came  two  men  and  took  in  my  things 
polite  as  could  be,  and  a  black  man  in  a  white  apron  bowed  to 
me  as  if  I  was  a  queen.  Since  the  abolition  times  there's  no 
knowing  who  a  colored  person  may  be,  so  I  courtesied  back, 
and  says  I  to  the  driver : 

"I  want  my  money  back.  The  bargain  was  to  take  me  to 
Cousin  John's." 

He  only  put  his  finger  to  his  nose  and  drove  off.  I  couldn't 
run  after  a  carriage  and  horses,  you  know.  So  that's  the  last  I 
saw  of  'em. 


1 6  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Then  says  I  to  the  colored  gentleman,  ' '  You're  proprietor  of 
this  tavern,  ain't  you  ?" 

Says  he,   "Not  exactly,  ma'am,  but  I'm  a  waiter." 

"Well,"  says  I,  "I  ain't  come  to  stay — only  jest  to  ask  the 
way  to  Cousin  John  Mawkins'.  "Where  does  he  live?" 

He  grinned,  and  says  he,  "Look  in  the  directory,  ma'am," 
and  he  brought  me  a  book  with  names  in  it,  and  I  turned  over 
a  good  many  pages  and  couldn't  find  Mawkins. 

"Well,"  says  I,    "guess  it  isn't  here." 

"Every  name  in  the  city  is  in,"  says  he. 

Says  I,  ' '  I'll  have  to  stop  a  week  to  read  this  through.  I  al- 
ways thought  the  people  at  a  tavern  knew  where  folks  lived. " 

He  bowed,  and  grinned  again,  and  he  took  the  book,  and 
says  he : 

"M,  Ma,  Maw " 

"Mawkins,"  says  I. 

' '  Mawkins  Robert,  Mawkins  Peter,  Mawkins  John, "  says  he. 
"Here  it  is,  ma'am,"  and  out  he  reads  the  number,  all  right. 

Says  I,  "Very  much  obliged,"  and  I  went  to  the  door  and 
waved  my  umbrella  to  a  cabman  opposite.  A  whole  row  of  'em 
stood  there  opposite  a  garden  with  iron  railings,  and  a  filthy,  dirty 
white  house  with  a  clock  on  the  cupola  in  the  middle,  and  I 
must  say  the  colored  man  was  polite,  all  but  grinning,  for  he  put 
me  into  the  cab. 

Just  as  I  was  getting  in,  he  says : 

' '  Beg  pardon,  ma'am,  there's  something  pinned  to  your  dress. " 

And  behold,  there,  fastened  by  a  big  darning  needle,  with  a 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  17 

sealing-wax  head,  which  I  have  for  a  shawl-pin,  was  my  paper 
parcel,  just  as  I  had  fastened  it  for  safety,  with  my  own  hands. 

If  I'd  had  it  I'd  have  saved  my  money  and  got  here  two  hours 
ago.  This  cabman  only  charged  me  five  dollars,  good,  honest 
fellow,  and  he  told  me  the  other  was  a  cheat.  Of  course  he 
was! 

And  here  I  am  at  last,  all  safe,  though  I  never  expected  to  be. 
And  who  do  you  suppose  the  military  gentleman  was  ?  Long 
brown  beard,  blue  eyes,  cap,  blue  coat  with  brass  buttons,  and 
a  kind  of  a  shiny  thing  with  a  chain  on  his  bosom.  Do  you 
think  it  was  General  Grant,  or  Sherman,  or  Hooker?  La!  a 
police  officer?  Don't  say  so !  Why  if  I  had  known  that  I  could 
have  had  the  driver  taken  up  then,  couldn't  I  ?  What  a  pity  I 


i8  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  TWO. 

MISS   CHARITY   GRINDER'S   SHOPPING   EXCURSION. 

I'm  Martha  Mawkins.  I'm  not  particularly  fond  of  writing. 
Nobody  ever  called  me  a  blue-stocking,  thank  goodness.  But 
when  your  feelings  are  worked  upon,  and  your  husband 
does  not  sympathize  with  you  (John  Mawkins  never  does),  but 
says  "bother!  "and  "stuff  and  nonsense,"  you  naturally  have 
recourse  to  the  papers.  And  I  have  had  the  most  terrific  day. 
I've  been  out  shopping  with  cousin  Charity  Grinder.  Yes,  she's 
here — been  here  two  days ;  and  if  she  could,  she'd  keep  me  in 
the  street  all  the  time,  I  believe. 

She  has  a  yellow  shawl,  my  dear,  and  some  kind  of  a  cotton- 
back  velvet  bonnet,  made  in  the  year  one,  with  blue  roses,  and 
a  ruche  with  a  green  edge  (why  do  milliners  do  such  things  ?), 
and  a  vail  all  big  scollops,  and  tambour  work  or  cotton  net,  just 
as  brown  can  be ;  and,  oh,  dear  1  oh,  my !  oh !  a  pair  of  leather 
boots,  with  great  brass  tags  to  the  lacings  hanging  down  them, 
and  a  pair  of  blue  worsted  stockings  that  you  can  see  ever  so 
much  of,  for  her  common  poplin  "gown,"  as  she  calls  it,  is 
above  her  ankles.  How  I  feel  when  my  friends  meet  us! 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  19 

"Tisn't  so  long  since  Mawkins  made  his  money,  that  I  quite 
dare  to  do  as  I  like  and  be  sure  no  one  will  say,  "You  can't 
expect  any  better ;  you  know  what  she  was  used  to. " 

If  she  only  would  not  go  to  Stewart's,  where  there  is  sure  to 
be  some  one  you  know,  I  shouldn't  so  much  care. 

She  came  down  dressed  this  morning,  with  her  two-handled 
basket  and  cotton  umbrella,  and  told  me  what  she  wanted.  I 
tried  to  stop  her. 

"You  must  be  so  tired,  cousin,"  said  I ;  just  give  me  the  list 
and  I'll  shop  for  you. " 

"No,"  said  she.  "I'm  a  spry  body — none  of  your  lazy  folks. 
I  came  to  New  York  to  see  things,  and  not  to  sleep,  and  I've 
seen  so  much  of  Mr.  Stewart's  store,  I'm  bound  to  get  a  dress 
there.  Is  he  dear  ?" 

"Dreadful, "said  I. 

I  wanted  to  frighten  her  from  going. 

"Ah!"  said  she.  "I'll  beat  him  well  down  then;  see  if  I 
don't." 

"They  have  only  one  price,  Cousin  Charity,"  cried  I  fright- 
ened out  of  my  wits. 

"So  they  all  say,"  said  she,  with  such  a  wink;  "but  I  know 
better,  Cousin  Martha. 

Well,  we  set  out  Everybody  we  met  she  would  nod  to,  and 
then  say: 

"Who's  that?  Don't  know,  eh?  Why,  what  an  unsociable 
place  New  York  is.  I  know  everybody  in  Perkinsburg. " 

At  last  we  got  to  Stewart's — Mrs.  Nobs'  carriage  at  the  door, 


20  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

of  course — and  in  walked  Cousin  Charity,  tumbling  over  Mrs, 
Nobs,  who  was  coming  out. 

"How  are  you,  love?"  says  Mrs.  Nobs,  never  guessing  Char- 
ity came  with  me.  ' '  I  declare  I've  been  trampled  down  by  a 
great  vulgar  woman.  Why  can't  they  keep  stores  of  this  kind 
more  exclusive?" 

Charity  saw  me  talking  to  some  one,  and  came  back. 

"How  do  you,  ma'am?"  said  she  to  Mrs.  Nobs.  "Out  a 
shoppin',  I  reckon.  How's  calico  ?" 

"The  idea!"  screamed  Mrs.  Nobs.  "My  love,  I  shall  really 
give  up  going  out  at  all. " 

"Don't  you  have  your  health,  ma'am,  or  are  you  afraid  of 
being  run  over  ?"  asked  Charity. 

I  saw  it  was  time  to  come  to  the  rescue ;  so  I  said,  with  a 
glance  at  Mrs.  Nobs : 

' '  Miss  Charity  Grinder,  from  Perkinsburg,  my  dear. " 

"Oh!"  said  Mrs.  Nobs,  "I  didn't  know  really." 

"How  are  you ?"  said  Charity.  "Glad  to  know  you,  or  any 
friend  of  Marthy's.  I'm  her  first  cousin.  Her  father  and  mine 
were  brothers,  kept  the  same  bakery  together  for  ten  years,  and 
married  sisters.  After  that  Silas,  that's  her  father,  went  into  the 
flour  business  and  made  money.  I'm  going  to  buy  a  dress,  and 
some  wrappers,  and  half  a  dozen  pairs  of  stockings  for  Sunday- 
go-to-meecing  wear.  Common  ones  I  knit,  but  I  took  a  notion 
to  some  boughten  for  best " 

Mrs.  Nobs  lifted  her  eyebrows. 

"By-by,  love,"  said  she.     She  hates  me  like  poison  ;  but  she 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  21 

always  says  'love.'  "I'm  in  such  haste  I  can't  stay.  See  you 
at  the  opera  Wednesday,  I  hope  ;"  and  right  glad  was  I  to  see 
her  go.  But,  goodness !  from  bad  to  worse  was  all  I  had  to 
hope  for  that  day.  There  was  Cousin  Charity  shaking  hands 
with  all  the  shopmen  at  the  first  counter. 

"How  are  you  ?"  she  said.  "I  don't  know  which  is  the  boss, 
but  I'm  glad  to  be  acquainted.  Only  come  down  two  days  ago, 
or  I  should  have  been  here  before  I  calculate  to  do  all  my 
shopping  here  while  I  stay,  and  so  I  came  over  with  Cousin 
Marthy  to  get  acquainted. " 

Then  she  happened  to  see  three  or  four  little  cash  boys,  and 
down  on  them  she  pounced. 

"Mr.  Stewart's  little  sons,  I  suppose,"  she  said.  "Dear  me, 
how  near  of  an  age — some  of  'em  must  be  twins.  Come  here, 
my  dears,  and  kiss  me ;  I  atti  Aunty  Grinder  from  Perkins- 
burg." 

And  she  did  kiss  them,  as  true  as  I'm  a  sinner,  every  one  of 
them  in  sight  People  were  staring  at  her  as  if  she  were  a  show. 
Then  she  turned  to  a  young  man  who  was  measuring  lace,  and 
asked  him  if  they  "had  any  calico." 

"Because  if  there  isn't  any  I'll  come  to-morrow,"  she  said. 
"I'm  visiting,  and  haven't  anything  to  do." 

It  was  an  excuse  to  get  her  away,  and  soon  she  was  looking  at 
prints,  and  busy  enough  to  keep  quiet  for  five  minutes. 
"What  d'ye  ask  for  this,  now?"  said  she,  at  last. 
"That  pattern,"  said  the  shopman  she  spoke  to,   "is  seventy- 
five  cents. 


22  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Fora  calico!"  cried  Charity.  "Well  I  never — that's  too 
much. " 

"We  have  cheaper  qualities,"  said  the  young  man. 

"I  thought  so,"  said  Charity,  winking  at  me.  "What's 
this?" 

" Thirty-five  cents,  ma'am." 

"  Pretty  enough,  ain't  it,  Marthy?" 

"Oh,  yes,"  said  I    "I'd  take  it" 

"Not  at  that  price,"  said  Charity.  "Come,  now-— eighteen 
cents. " 

' '  We  are  not  allowed  to  abate,  ma'am. " 

And  really,  I  thought  that  young  man  would  choke  with 
laughter ;  he  tried  so  hard  to  keep  it  in. 

"Twenty,  then." 

He  shook  his  head. 

"Well,  I'll  give  you  twenty-five,  not  a  cent  more,"  said 
Charity. 

"The  price  is  five-and-thirty, "  said  the  clerk. 

"Then  I  won't  buy  to-day,"  said  Charity,  and  she  whispered 
to  me,  "now  he'll  come  down." 

The  clerk  only  folded  up  the  goods.  Charity  moved  away 
slowly.  When  she  was  about  four  feet  from  the  counter  she 
looked  back. 

"Did  you  speak?"  said  she. 

"No,  ma'am/  said  the  clerk. 

"  Haven't  changed  your  mind  ?" 

"No,  ma'am." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  23 

She  went  a  little  farther,  and  then  went  back. 

' '  I'll  take  it, "  said  she;  ' '  but  I  won't  come  here  again.  You 
ought  to  come  down  a  little — I  wouldn't  have  been  too  hard  to 
deal  with.  Even  Moses  Aaron,  who  sells  snuff,  comes  down  a 
penny  a  pound  at  Perkinsburg. " 

She  went  away  with  her  bundle  under  her  arm,  after  giving  a 
penny  to  the  cash  boy,  and  calling  him  a  good  little  fellow  for 
running  so  fast.  And  the  next  thing  I  knew  she  was  walking 
into  a  long  mirror.  In  fact,  she  came  against  it  with  such  force 
that  I  thought  it  was  broken  at  first. 

"Lawful  suz  1"  she  said,  as  she  picked  herself  up. 

She  had  been  knocked  down,  and  sat  on  the  floor  a  minute. 

"Lawful  suz  !  only  a  looking-glass.  Well,  it  is  a  mercy  'tisn't 
mashed  and  I  all  cut  to  pieces.  Who  would  have  thought  it? 
I  was  looking,  and  looking,  with  all  my  eyes  at  a  lady  dressed 
in  things  just  like  mine,  and  wondering  why  she  didn't  move 
out  of  the  way,  when  up  I  came,  bumperty  bang  against  the 
looking-glass.  Don't  mind  laughing,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I'm 
a  good-natured  soul,  and  you  won't  hurt  my  feelings.  Marthy, 
I  didn't  show  my  ankles,  did  I  ?" 

There  was  no  stopping  her.  I  just  let  her  go,  and  I  followed 
on  as  far  off  as  I  dared,  and  she  priced  everything,  and  tried  to 
cheapen  everything  she  priced,  until  she  came  to  the  elevator. 
My  back  was  turned,  when  suddenly  I  heard  some  one  scream  : 

' '  Oh,  Marthy,  Marthy,  I'm  going  up  chimbly  1  I'm  going 
up  chimbly !  Save  me  !  save  me  !  Oh  1  oh  !  oh  !" 

And  how  she  came  to  sit  there  I  don't  know,  but  Charity  was 


24  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

in  the  elevator,  perched  on  a  bale  of  goods  that  was  going  to  an 
upper  story.  I  was  frightened  for  the  moment,  but  two  gentle- 
men ran  up  stairs  to  arrest  the  progress  of  the  elevator,  and  a 
little  cash  boy  was  sent  down,  and  when  I  got  to  the  third  floor 
they  had  Charity  out,  and  had  given  her  a  glass  of  water,  and 
she  was  thanking  them  and  inviting  them  all  to  tea  whenever 
they  came  to  Perkinsburg. 

"Such  an  awful  skeer,"  she  said,  as  I  sat  down,  and  for  all  I 
was  ashamed,  laughed  until  I  cried. 

"Such  a  skeer ;  I  thought  the  old  boy  had  remembered  my 
sins,  at  last,  and  was  now  taking  me  up  chimbly.  These  gen- 
tlemen say  it's  only  an  elevator — but  keep  me  from  elevators 
forever  more. " 

After  this  performance  poor  Charity  really  was  tired  out,  and 
and  allowed  me  to  put  her  in  an  omnibus  and  take  her  home. 

She's  home  now,  thank  goodness,  telling  her  adventures  to 
the  rest  of  the  family  while  I  am  writing  them,  and  I  hope  they 
enjoy  them  more  than  your  afflicted 

MARTHA  HAWKINS. 


THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS.  25 


NUMBER  THREE. 

MISS   CHARITY  GRINDER  VISITS   BENJAMIN   CLOOT's   FOLKS. 

How  are  you,  Peggy?  Didn't  tell  you  I  was  comin'  to  give 
you  a  pleasant  surprise.  I'm  stoppin'  reglar  to  Cousin  Sarah's, 
but  I'm  goin'  about  visitin'.  How's  your  ma?  Washin',  eh? 
Well  la!  I  allers  used  to  say  Miss  Cloot  was  allers  washin' 
when  she  wasn't  bakin'.  I  find  she  hain't  changed  a  mite. 
How  are  we  all  ?  Well  I'm  to  be  crawlin',  and  brother's  amazin' 
smart  for  his  age.  Hain't  had  a  rheumatiz  yet  He's  the  oldest 
of  the  family,  you  know — twenty  years  my  senior. 

How's  shoemakin'  ?  Glad  to  hear  it's  good.  I  shall  give  Ben 
an  order  for  a  pair  of  them  long-legged  boots  before  I  go. 

Law,  now,  you  ain't  got  up  in  this  world  like  Sary's  compan- 
ion, hev  you  ?  He's  made  a  fortune,  and  lives  in  the  biggest 
house  I  ever  sot  foot  in,  with  a  lot  of  darkies  to  cut  around  and 
bother.  As  for  workin',  I'd  do  all  the  bilin'  of  'em  the  week 
through  in  one  day,  and  like  the  exercise.  But  Sary  says  to  be 
fashionable  you've  got  to  hev  any  number  o'  helps,  and  that 
culled  persons  is  more  stylish. 

You  don't  visit,  I  hear.  Lor',  you'd  oughter.  When  he  sot 
up  business  your  grandfather  lent  him  the  money.  You  ain't 


26  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

exactly  relatives,  but  his  first  cousin's  second  wife's  brother-in-law 
married  your  aunt's  nephew  by  marriage's  daughter-in-law's  sis- 
ter; so  you  are  kinder  connected  in  the  bonds  of  sanguanimity, 
and  orter  be  intimate.  She'd  be  real  glad  to  see  you,  she  said, 
only  she  reckoned  you  felt  sort  o'  sot  up,  and  didn't  keer  to  cul- 
tivate sociabilitude. 

Never  thought  of  sich  a  thing.     Well,  so  I  told  'em. 

Seems  to  me  you've  got  over  much  room,  though,  and  I  can't 
tell  why  you  sot  up  here  on  the  fourth  floor.  Kinder  wears  yer 
limbs  out  on  the  stairs  I  calkerlate.  Hey !  Marsy  sakes ! 
Three  other  families  in  the  house,  du  tell.  They  told  me  folks 
lived  one  a  top  of  the  other  in  York ;  but  I  reckoned  it  was  a 
hoax. 

Well,  York  is  a  queer  place,  and  now  you  are  here,  Miss  Cloot, 
I'll  tell  you  what's  happened  to  me.  I  started  out  to  come  here 
at  nine  o'clock — meant  to  be  early — and  as  I  had  shoppin'  to 
du,  meant  to  walk  it.  While  I'm  thinking  on  it,  don't  you  never 
shop  in  Stewart's — ef  you  know  where  he  keeps.  I  went  there 
with  Sary,  and  got  took  up  chimbly  in  what  they  called  an  ele- 
wator.  Marsy  I  ever  came  down. 

Well,  I  started  to  walk,  with  directions  writ  down  in  my  pock- 
et-book, and  soon  I  came  to  the  widest  street  you  ever  see — 
full  of  wagons,  and  carriages,  and  folks,  and  seen  Broadway  on 
a.  lamp-post.  Sary  told  me  to  cross  Broadway,  and  walk  along 
Grand  street  to  the  Bowery,  so  I  knowed  my  road.  But  good- 
ness !  how  was  I  to  do  it  ? 

Cross !  why  nobody  could  cross  without  wings.     Well,  I  stood 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  27 

staring  and  wondering,  and  my  head  buzzing  for  all  the  world 
like  a  hive  of  bees,  when  up  comes  a  gentleman  in  brass  coat 
and  blue  buttons.  No,  I  mean  t'other  way,  blue  coat  and  brass 
buttons,  and  stands  aside  me.  When  I  fust  come  down  I  took 
'em  for  officers  in  the  milingtary ;  but  Sary  says  they're  police- 
men. So  just  fancy  my  horror  when  this  here  one  cotches  hold 
on  me. 

"Come  along,  mum,"  says  he.  "Hurry  up,  now;  don't 
poke. " 

Then  I  knowed  I  was  under  arrest,  and  began  to  holler. 

"Oh,  I  ain't  done  nothin'.  I  never  did  do  nothin'  to  be  took 
up  for.  I'm  innocent  as  a  babe  unborn. " 

And  I  pounded  him  with  my  bag,  until  I  reckon  he  was  black 
and  blue. 

Folks  stopped  and  didn't  say  nothin'.  Kinder  grinned  and 
stared  a  bit,  and  suddenly  a  thought  struck  me. 

They  said  Catholics  was  gainin'  power  in  York,  and  this  was 
a  new  inquisition,  and  they  was  carryin'  me  off  to  torture  as  a 
martyr  with  thumb-screws  and  pincers  for  bein'  a  good  Baptist. 

So  with  that  I  felt  kind  of  inspired  with  zeal,  and  says  I : 

" Do  your  worst,  fiend,  you  can't  make  me  remunerate;  I'll 
die  a  saint " 

' '  Is  she  crazy,  poor  dear, "  says  a  lady. 

Says  the  policeman :  "No'm.  The  tarnal  old  goose  thinks 
she's  took  up,  because  I  offered  to  take  her  across,  when  she 
was  tryin'  to-  get  herself  run  over. " 

Says  the  lady — such  a  nice  woman  with  a  little  round  hat  and 
spangles  in  her  net : 


28  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Poor  dear;  she's  from  the  country,  no  doubt.  It's  a  cus- 
tom here,  ma'am,  for  the  police  force  to  escort  ladies  over  Broad- 
way. " 

' '  Is  it, "  says  I ;  "  Oh,  what  a  relief.  I  never  was  so  skeered. 
Now,"  says  I,  turnin',  on  the  policeman,  "escort  me  across  if 
it's  your  duty,  and  don't  give  me  no  impudence.  Mind." 

Then  he  laughed,  and  law  how  he  did  hustle  me  over,  right 
under  the  horses'  noses,  to  be  sure. 

But  when  I  was  safe  over,  that  nice  lady  came  along  side,  and 

says  she: 

"Hope  you  ain't  none  the  wuss  for  your  skeer?" 

"Oh,  no,"  says  I,    "I'm  not  particularly  nervous,  thank  ye." 

Says  she,    ' '  From  the  country,  ma'am  ?" 

"  Yes'm,"  says  I.      "Du  tell  how  you  guessed  it." 

Says  she,  "From  the  quiet  dignitude  of  your  appearance. 
New  York  ladies  has  in  general  a  sort  of  boldish  look.  Then, " 
says  she,  ' '  Shopping  ?" 

Says  I,  '  'Yes'm,  I've  got  twenty  dollars  along  with  me  to  buy 
some  goods  with.  D'ye  know  any  cheap  place  ?" 

Says  she,  "Oh,  yes.  Now  there's  one  around  the  corner; 
come  with  me. " 

So  we  went,  and  she  was  so  polite  she  offered  me  her  arm, 

which  I  took. 

Pretty  soon  we  came  to  a  shop  door,  but  behold,  it  was  closed. 

"Dear  me,"  says  she,  "they  must  be  gone  out.  Wait  a 
minute,  and  I'll  run  in  the  side  door  and  call  the  gentleman's 
wife.  She'll  show  us  the  things,  though  she  wouldn't  everybody. 
Don't  stir  until  I  come  back." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  29 

Well,  she  went  away,  and  I  waited  and  waited  until  a  gentle- 
tleman  from  next  door,  in  a  barber's  shop,  came  out. 

Says  he,    "Waiting  for  some  one,  ma'am?" 

' '  My  sakes, "  says  I ;  "I  should  think  I  was.  That  lady  you 
might  have  seen  with  me  has  gone  to  have  the  door  opened;  and 
she  doesstey,  I'll  say  that!" 

Says  he,    "A  friend  o'yourn?" 

"Says  I,  "Well,  very  recent,"  and  I  told  him  how  we  came 
to  be  together.  Then  he  looked  solemn,  and,  says  he  : 

"  Madam,  have  you  lost  anything  ?" 

"Well,"  says  I,    "  I  hope  not.     Why?" 

Says  he,  "I  abhor  speaking  ill  of  the  fair  sex,  but  I'm  obliged 
to  say,  ma'am,  that  that  lady  ain't  what  ladies  ought  to  be. 
She's  pretty  well  known  as  a  female  pickpocket,  and  if  your 
money  was  to  be  come  at,  she's  got  it. " 

I  stuck  my  hand  in  my  pocket,  and,  massy  me !  my  purse 
was  gone !  It  turned  me  as  cold  as  ice  to  find  it  out,  and  I 
would  have  fainted  if  he  hadn't  taken  me  in  his  store  and  handed 
me  a  cologne  bottle. 

Seemed  as  if  I  couldn't  believe  that  magnificent  critter, 
dressed  like  a  queen,  was  a  thief. 

I  hadn't  a  cent  left,  but  the  barber  gentleman  was  so  polite. 
He  put  me  on  a  car  and  paid  my  fare,  and  I  asked  him  to  Sary's 
daughter's  party.  That's  his  card  : 

"MR.    JAZEY,    WIG-MAKER    AND    HAIR-DRESSER." 

And  now  I've  come  to  the  pint. 

Sary's  eldest  daughter — Florabel  Elizabethina — is  about  havin' 


3o  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

a  party,  and  I  want  you  to  come — sha'n't  take  no  for  an  answer 
— the  whole  of  you,  children  and  all,  and  any  neighbor  you'd 
like  to  fetch.  You'd  ought  to  be  on  visitin'  terms,  seein'  your 
aunt's  nephew  by  marriage's  daughter-in-law's  sister  married  his 
first  cousin's  second  wife's  brother.  It's  night  after  next,  and 
there's  the  biggest  plum-cake  home  a'ready,  and  goodies  is  goin' 
to  be  in  by  wagons  full. 

Du  come.  I'm  sure  my  polite  barber  will  be  there,  and  if 
he's  single  he'll  be  a  splendid  match  for  Marthy  Jane.  I'll  in- 
troduce 'em. 

Well,  I'd  like  to  stay  to  tea,  but  I  can't  to-day.  They're  goin' 
to  have  company  at  Sary's  this  evening,  and  they'll  want  me  to 
to  help  entertain.  I'll  tell  you  when  I'll  come  at  the  party. 
Don't  forget  to  come,  and  do  bring  the  children — Sary  will  be 
delighted. 

Good-by !  It's  the  front  house  from  the  corner ;  and  I'd  dress 
up,  if  I  were  you,  in  my  best,  'cause  they're  awful  stuck  up  at 
Sary's. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS,  31 


MISS   CHARITY   GRINDER   AT  A   PARTY. 

I  wish  Miss  Charity  Grinder  would  please  to — well — to  marry 
—I  won't  say  anything  worse;  and  when  she  does  marry,  I 
hope  it  will  be  some  reverend  gentleman,  who  is  going  to  India 
or  some  other  horrid  place,  as  a  missionary,  without  the  slight- 
est intention  of  coming  back  again. 

Poor  man,  what  a  life  she'll  lead  him  ! 

The  impudence  of  that  woman  is  beyond  all.  I  never  saw 
her  equal.  She  exhibited  it  in  the  first  place  by  coming  here 
without  invitation.  She  tormented  poor  sister  Martha  first,  and 
when  she  was  completely  worn  out — I  always  shall  believe  she 
gave  Charity  my  direction — she  says  she  didn't ;  but  how  could 
she  get  it,  I'd  like  to  know  ? 

However  it  was,  we  were  waked  up  at  five  in  the  morning  by 
such  a  ringing  of  the  bell,  and  there,  if  you'll  believe  me,  when 
I  looked  out  of  the  window  in  my  nightcap,  was  Charity,  in  the 
milkman's  wagon. 

"He!  he!  he!"  she  screamed,  as  she  looked  up.  "Sur- 
prised, ain't  ye,  I  started  off  early  so's  to  get  here  to  breakfast, 
and  on  the  way  I  met  this  here  gentleman,  and  he  said  he 


32  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

served  you,  so  I  asked  him  for  a  lift.  Sick,  ain't  you?  No. 
Why,  law,  you  don't  lie  abed  till  this  time,  do  you  ?  I  got  up, 
darned  a  pair  o'  stockings,  patched  a  petticoat,  and  dressed  an 
hour  ago.  I  never  was  one  of  your  sleepy  heads,  thank  fortin', 
but  I  suppose  York  folks  spend  the  heft  of  their  time  abed. 
I've  heer'd  so." 

And  all  that,  my  dears,  before  she  got  out  of  the  wagon. 

I  roused  Mr.  Perkins  up,  and  sent  him  down  to  open  the 
door,  and,  upon  my  word,  the  creature  had  ever  so  much  lug- 
gage with  her,  and  had  come  to  stay  a  week. 

The  first  thing  Florabella  Alice  said  to  me  when  she  heard  it, 
was  : 

' '  Oh,  ma,  what  will  we  do  with  her  at  our  party  ?" 

And  I  just  sat  down  and  folded  my  hands,  for  I  knew  Charity 
of  old,  and  there  is  no  managing  her. 

Stay  she  would,  and  stay  she  did,  and  my  only  comfort  was 
that  she  spent  the  time  running  around  the  streets,  shopping 
and  hunting  up  all  sorts  of  people  ;  though,  if  I  had  known 
what  would  come  of  that,  I'd  have  watched  her  better.  Good- 
ness knows,  my  hope  was  that  she  would  be  somewhere  on  a 
visit  when  the  party  came  off,  and  would  not  be  able  to  get 
back  ;  but  I  might  have  known  better. 

She  kept  the  day  and  the  hour  in  her  mind,  and  had  an  out- 
landish blue  and  green  dress  made  over  for  the  occasion,  The 
thing  had  only  five  breadths  in  the  skirt,  and  she  took  one  ot 
those  out  for  waist  and  sleeves ;  so  you  can  fancy  it.  I  never 
saw  such  a  thing  in  all  my  life.  However,  queer  as  she  looked, 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  33 

there  are  almost  as  queer-looking  people  in  society — literary 
folks,  and  musical  people,  and  so  forth.  So  I  decided  to  speak 
of  her  as  a  literary  lady  of  immense  wealth,  from  the  country, 
and  to  invite  old  Mr.  Ginger,  who  is  so  deaf  he  would  not  be 
shocked  by  her  bad  grammar,  and  set  them  down  to  play  chess 
together  in  the  extension-room,  and  tried  to  make  the  best  of 
the  matter,  though,  dear  knows,  my  heart  sank,  as  it  well  might, 
at  the  prospect  before  me. 

Ours  was  to  be  rather  an  extensive  affair,  you  see.  Young 
Billiwinkle  being  particular  to  Florabella  Alice,  we  thought  it 
best  to  do  something  to  show  the  Billiwinkles  we  were  able  to 
cut  a  dash  if  we  chose,  for  the  Billiwinkles  are  very  fashion- 
able, and  astonishingly  aristocratic,  and  we  had  (even  at  the  risk 
of  offending  some  very  good  souls)  invited  only  our  most  gen- 
teel acquaintances.  Not  a  vulgar,  crowded  affair,  you  know, 
but  just  a  nice,  elegant  assemblage,  with  room  for  dancing,  and 
a  supper  that  (to  tell  the  truth)  cost  much  more  than  we  could 
well  afford.  It  was  a  fine  one  though. 

Well,  the  evening  came,  and  there  was  Miss  Charity,  in  her 
blue  and  green,  with  the  four  breadths,  which  I  (what  hypo- 
crites we  are  sometimes)  told  her  was  "lovely,"  and  then  first 
of  all,  thank  goodness,  came  that  blessed  Mr.  Ginger,  and  I 
had  them  out  of  sight  at  chess  in  the  extension-room  in  a  twink- 
ling. The  Billiwinkles  came  early.  Horace  Billiwinkle  never 
was  so  attentive  to  Florabella.  I  really  did  fancy  he  was  on  the 
very  point  of  asking  the  momentous  question. 

What  a  very  fine  woman  Mrs.  Billiwinkle  looks  for  one  of  her 


34  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

years,  and  how  nicely  she  covers  the  bald  spot  on  her  head  with 
her  real  lace  cap  ;  and  I  really  could  not  discover  whether  the 
twist  was  all  her  own  or  mixed. 

Young  Billiwinkle  walked  about  the  parlors  with  Florabella, 
and  Mr.  McGlinderby's  brother,  young  Ogle,  offered  Cornelia 
Japonica  his  arm,  and  I  did  think  they  would  make  the  most 
charming  couple.  In  fact,  my  girls  were  lovely,  and  the  rooms 
tastefully  arranged,  and  I  was  looking  my  best,  and  the  assem- 
blage was  so  elegant  that  I  actually  was  proud,  and  forgot  about 
Charity,  when,  behold,  in  she  stalked,  and  plumped  herself 
down  between  Mrs.  Billiwinkle  and  Mrs.  Highflier,  who  both 
looked  at  her  in  astonishment 

"Miss  Grinder,"  I  said,  and  whispered  to  Mrs.  B.  "A  rich 
literary  lady  from  the  country. " 

"Indeed,"  said  she.  "Happy  to  make  you're  acquaintance, 
I'm  sure." 

"Same  to  you,"  said  Charity.  "I've  got  sick  of  yelling  at 
that  old  gentleman.  Besides,  I  hate  chess — only  larnt  it  to 
keep  brother  Jonathan  in  evenings.  Better  than  going  to  the 
tavern,  I  reckon.  Because  when  they  do  go,  they  don't  allers 
come  as  they  went,  and  chess  sends  'em  up  stairs  sleepy,  early. " 

"Ha,    ha!  so  witty,"  said  Mrs.   Billiwinkle. 

Charity  burst  out  on  the  instant  with  : 

"Excuse  the  question,  but  where  did  you  get  them  teeth?" 

"Ma'am!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Billiwinkle.      "I  really " 

"Reason  I  asked  is  old  Granny  Gobble  is  going  to  get  a  set, 
and  I  thought  I'd  price  for  her,  seein'  I  was  down.  Your'n  is 
amazin'  white.  There — that's  him — I  know. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  35 

What  she  meant  I  didn't  know,  but  just  then  the  door-bell 
rung,  and  in  a  minute  more  the  colored  waiter  announced  "  Mr. 
Jazey. " 

"I  knowed  it,"  cried  Charity;  "a  friend  of  mine.  Here, 
come  in,  Mr.  Jazey.  This  here,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  a  gen- 
tleman that  was  very  perlite  to  me  on  occasion  of  bein'  nabbed 
day  before  yesterday.  I  forget  your  Christian  name,  but  the  last 
is  Jazey.  I  asked  him  up  to-night  partly  because  one  good 
turn  deserves  another,  and  I  thought  as  Florabella  and  Cornelia 
wears  such  a  lot  of  false  hair,  and  Mr.  Perkins  has  a  wig, 
'twould  be  a  good  thing  for  him  to  know  the  family.  Set  down, 
Mr.  Jazey,  and  make  yerself  to  hum.  Supper  is  a'most  ready, 
and  if  you  are  as  starved  as  I  be,  you're  ready  for  it.  But  then 
we  didn't  have  nothin'  but  cold  pork  and  bread  and  butter  for 
dinner  to-day." 

The  man  made  a  bow,  and  sat  down.  He  really  behaved  very 
well,  and  there  was  no  excuse  for  turning  him  out ;  and  I  have 
seen  Cubans  almost  as  dark.  Maybe  he  was  one.  I  hope  so. 
But  to  see  Mrs.  Billiwinkle  stare,  and  young  Billiwinkle  put  up 
his  eye-glass,  was  dreadful.  Nobody  spoke  until  the  good-na- 
tured Miss  Highflier  suggested  that  "the  weather  was  warm  for 
the  season,"  to  which  the  dark-complexioned  hairdresser,  think- 
ing he  was  spoken  to,  replied  : 

"Yes,  miss,  I  find  pomatum  very  ily,  and  it  does  take  lots  of 
trouble  to  make  straight  hair  wave.  Excuse  me,  but  waves 
would  be  exceedingly  becoming  to  you,  miss." 

No  one  answered,   but  somebody  giggled,  and  Mrs.   Billi- 


36  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

winkle  whispered  something  about  "taking  French  leave,"  when 
the  bell  rang  again,  and  there  was  such  a  hubbub  in  the  hall 
that  I  thought  the  house  was  on  fire.  Charity  clapped  her 
hands. 

' '  Now  there  is  a  surprise  for  you, "  she  squealed.  ' '  Jest  lis- 
ten, Sary ;  don't  you  know  that  voice  ?  Come  along  in,  Mr. 
Cloot  and  the  hull  of  you,"  and  in  marched  a  little  short  man 
and  a  giant  of  an  old  woman,  and  two  girls  in  low  necks,  and 
a  boy  of  fifteen,  and  stood  there  bpwing  and  courtesying.  I 
thought  I  should  drop. 

"This  is  some  mistake,"  I  gasped.  "I  never  met  those 
good  people  before.  You  are  looking  for  some  other  person,  I 
presume. " 

"No,  we  hain't,"  said  the  man  ;  "we're  old  friends  growed 
out  of  knowledge.  I'm  Mr.  Cloot,  and  this  is  Mrs.  Cloot, 
and  here's  the  girls  and  boys.  We  thought,  seein'  you  was  so 
perlite  as  to  send  a  invitation,  we'd  all  come,  and  let  by-gones  be 
by-gones.  Ef  the  old  man  didn't  pay  me  for  what  he  bought, 
'tain't  your  fault,  and  I  didn't  owe  nobody  no  grudge — 'tain't  my 
way. " 

And  then  I  did  remember  him — that  dreadful  shoemaker  and 
his  wife.  I  really  couldn't  speak.  Charity  looked  and  grinned. 

"You're  kinder  connections  by  marriage,  you  know,"  she 
said  ;  "and  so,  as  there  seems  to  be  suthin'  partickler  between 
him  and  her, " — and  she  pointed  to  young  Billiwinkle  and  Flora- 
bella — "all  hands  ought  to  know  each  other." 

Mrs.  Billiwinkle  gave  a  little  scream. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  37 

"I'm  so  very  ill,  dear  Mrs.  Perkins,  that  I'm  obliged  to 
'leave, "  she  said.  "Horace,  you'll -See  me  home,  of  course," 
and  anctually  the  woman  took  her  son's  arm  and  walked  out  of 
the  room  without  another  word. 

The  young  ladies  followed,  and  in  ten  minutes  those  toadying 
Tibbets  and  Mrs.  Mason  Podhammer  were  gone  also.  Good- 
natured  little  Miss  Highflier  kept  a  good  many  there  by  remain- 
ing. I  knew  if  she  had  stirred  the  rooms  would  have  been 
empty  in  ten  minutes. 

I  really  thought  Florabella  would  faint,  and  I  wouldn't  have 
had  her  give  way  to  her  feelings  for  the  world.  But  there  was 
one  of  the  shoemaker's  freckled  daughters  already  perched  on 
the  music  stool,  banging  away  and  singing  ' '  Tramp,  tramp, 
tramp,"  because  Charity  had  asked  if  "Lucindy  wouldn't  give 
the  folks  a  tune,"  and  the  shoemaker's  wife,  with  her  feet  on 
the  register,  informing  the  guests  generally  that  it  was  so  damp 
out  that  she  really  had  muddled  her  stockings  ;  while  the  man 
himself,  with  the  head  of  a  cane  half  way  down  his  throat,  was 
staring  Florabella  out  of  countenance. 

I  whispered  to  Mrs.  Perkins,  "Please,  dear,  for  goodness* 
sake,  let  us  have  supper.  Maybe  when  they're  gone  they'll  go 
like  anacondas,"  which  Mr.  Perkins  had  the  cruelty  to  joke 
about  at  the  awful  moment,  and  to  tell  me,  "Just  the  reverse 
— anacondas  cant  go  when  they're  gorged. " 

But  we  did  go  down  to  supper,  and  when  some  of  the  young 
gentlemen — who  made  a  regular  joke  of  the  matter,  I  could 
see — asked  "Miss  Lucindy"  if  she  would  have  some  oysters, 


38  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

she  screamed,    "Guess  I  will — I'm  allers  around  when  there's 
anything  to  eat — and  I'm  death  on  oysters  !" 

Oh,  it  was  awful !  All  the  children  were  perched  up  at  the 
table,  and  fought  for  the  jellies.  One  hit  the  other  with  a 
spoon,  and  the  other  threw  a  knife  at  him.  The  great  boy 
reached  across  and  helped  himself  and  his  mother,  and  the  shoe- 
maker ate  as  though  he  was  determined  to  get  the  amount  of 
his  bill  out  of  the  poor  departed  grandpa  somehow ;  until  at 
last  the  whole  table  was  doing  nothing  but  stare  at  them. 

Poor  Mr.  Jazey  behaved  uncommonly  well,  and  was  doing 
the  polite  to  one  they  called  "Araminty,"  when  that  horrible 
fifteen-year-old  caught  sight  of  him.  The  instant  he  did,  he 
tucked  up  his  sleeves,  turned  down  his  collar,  and  whistled, 
' '  Whey  !  Wall,  I  never  did  !  Look  a-here,  dad. " 

"Dad"  looked  up. 

"  Thai's  a  moke,"  he  said,  pointing  to  Mr.  Jazey. 

"Kwhatf  whispered  Miss  Highflier.  "Dear  me,  what 
does  the  boy  mean?  Does  he  want  anything  to  drink  or  to  eat? 
I  don't  about  much  know  such  people.  But  I'm  sorry  for  you, 
Mrs.  Perkins.  I'd  do  anything  I  could  to  stop  him  !"  and  the 
girl  meant  it 

But  the  boy  was  not  to  be  stopped. 

"That's  a  nig!"  he  said.  "Look  here,  you,  ain't  you  the 
nigger  barber  that  lives  down  our  way? — like  your  impudence 
to  come  here.  Dad,  are  you  goin'  to  stand  it,  or  will  you  pitch 
him  out?" 

The  shoemaker  stopped  to  scrape  his  plate  clean  with  his 
knife,  which  he  licked  all  over,  and  then  stood  up. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  39 

"Minty,  come  over  here,"  he  said.  "Gals,  get  your  bon- 
nets— Mat,  you  come  along.  I  ain't  a  man  to  hinder  my  neigh- 
bors from  '  sociating  with  who  they  wish ;  but  this  here  I  say,  I 
ain't  no  advocate  of  mixin'  up.  Like  with  like,  says  I,  and  no 
'malgamating.  Cullud  pussons  ain't  for  me,  and  if  I'd  know'd 
they  was  axed,  I  wouldn't  hev  come.  I  don't  consider  it  no 
compliment  from  Mrs.  Perkins  to  give  us  an  invite  along  with 
such,  though  knowin'  what  I  knows  of  Miss  Grinder,  I  reckon 
her  too  much  of  a  lady  to  be  a  party  to  it" 

And  away  he  marched,  driving  the  children,  with  their  hands 
full  of  pastry,  before  him,  and  collaring  the  boy  who  was  going 
round  and  round  with  his  arms,  and  dancing  before  that  unfor- 
tunate hair-dresser. 

Florabella  was  in  a  swoon  on  the  sofa,  and  Cornelia  was  weep- 
ing in  the  extension-room,  and  people  were  getting  their  things 
and  going  off  as  if  they  enjoyed  the  fun  amazingly,  and  all  the 
servants  were  grinning,  and  my  last  remembrance  of  the  even- 
ing was  a  kind  of  pandemonium  full  of  laughing  faces,  and 
sneering  voices,  and  tears,  and  broken  glass,  and  bits  of  pastry, 
and  oysters  all  over  the  cloth,  and  charlotte  russe  that  had  been 
fought  for  by  the  shoemaker's  boys  on  the  floor,  and  that  big- 
gest boy  sparring  at  the  dark-complexioned  hair-dresser,  and 
the  girl  and  their  mother  scolding  together. 

The  morning  after  I  came  down  stairs  determined  to  rid  the 
house  of  Charity  Grinder,  and  I  did  it.  She  went  off  in  a  huff, 
and  when  I  locked  the  door  after  her  I  vowed  she  should  never 
re-enter  it. 


40  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

But  what's  the  use  of  that?  It  can't  undo  the  evening's  work. 
We're  the  laughing  stock  of  our  set.  Mrs.  Billiwinkle  has  quite 
cut  us,  and  Horace  Billiwinkle  has  ceased  to  pay  the  least  atten- 
tion to  Florabella  Alice.  Poor  dear  girl !  It  would  have  been 
such  a  good  thing  for  her ! 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  41 


NUMBER  FIVE. 

CHARITY       HAS       A       RIDE. 

New  York  is  an  awful  wicked  place.  I  never  expected  to  see 
such  carrying  on,  nor  to  be  treated  as  I  hev  been  treated  since  I 
came  here.  You  can't  go  into  the  street  without  suthin  terrible 
happening  to  ye.  I  wouldn't  advise  no  unprotected  female  lady 
for  to  come  here  on  no  account. 

Last  Wednesday's  a  week,  I  thought,  seein'  I  was  here,  I'd  go 
to  Barnum's  Museum,  and,  to  tell  the  truth,  Sary  wasn't  friends 
with  me  on  account  of  my  giving  an  invitation  to  a  person  that 
kept  a  barber-shop,  and  turned  out  to  be  colored.  How  on 
arth  was  I  to  know  if  he  would  be  so  light?  I'm  sartin  sure 
that  a  gentleman  that  comes  to  see  her  Florabella  is  ever  so 
much  darker,  and  they  call  him  a  Cuban,  and  sot  all  creation 
by  him.  I  made  matters  worse  than  they  was  before  by  tellin' 
Sary  so,  and,  land  alive,  you'd  a  thought  they  wanted  to  eat  me 
without  salt.  They  can't  make  me  mad,  though.  I'm  goin'  to 
hev  my  visit  out.  There  ain't  no  more  eligible  place  to  go. 
The  livin'  is  the  best,  and  the  spare  bedroom  is  fitted  up  splen- 
did, and  there's  lots  of  company.  Ef  they  don't  'predate  me, 
tain't  my  fault ;  there's  other  folks  that  does ;  and  ef  I  stay  long 


42  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

enough  I  may  make  my  market  yet.  Who's  to  know  my  age 
unless  I  tell  'em?  And  I'd  like  to  step  off,  ef  'twas  only  to  spite 
Mrs.  Peter  Cuen,  the  widdy  up  our  way  that  I  had  the  squabble 
with  at  the  last  fancy  fair,  when  she  had  the  impudence  to  say 
nuthin'  more  was  to  be  expected  of  old  maids. 

But,  lawful  suz — where  am  1  ?  I  sot  out  to  tell  about  my  ad- 
venture, and  here  I  be,  talking  about  Mrs.  Peter  Cuen.  I 
wasn't  thinking  of  her  when  I  sot  out  for  Barnum's. 

I  asked  Sary  how  I  should  get  there,  and  she  said :  "Take  a 
Broadway  stage ;  and  as  I  knowed  where  Broadway  was,  I  didn't 
ask  no  more  questions,  but  left  her  to  her  sulks  and  marched  off. 

Sure  as  I  live  I  thought  I  went  the  right  way,  but  it  appears  I 
didn't,  for  after  I'd  hailed  a  stage  and  got  in,  and  rid  upward  of 
an  hour,  I  says  to  a  gentleman  opposite  me  : 

"  Be  so  kind,  sir,  as  to  tell  me  when  we're  to  Barnum's. " 

He  had  a  little  eye-glass  dangling  from  his  neck,  that  he  hadn't 
used  before,  but  he  took  and  stuck  it  on  his  nose,  when  I  spoke, 
and  give  me  a  good  stare,  and  dusted  his  lilac  gloves  together, 
and  twirled  his  mustache,  and  says  he  : 

"Aw-aw.     Weally!" 

Kinder  made  me  mad,  you  know. 

"Here,"  says  I,  "if  you're  deaf,  say  so.  I  asked  you  to  tell 
me  when  we  come  to  Barnum's,  and  I  reckon  if  you're  too 
dumb  to  know,  there's  smarter  folks  than  you  be  in  this  convey- 
ance. " 

All  the  goose  said,  was,    ' '  Bawnum's  ?  weally,  eh  !" 

Says  I,  "You  in  the  corner — young  man  with  the  red  hair 
and  a  wart  on  your  nose — where  is  Barnum's  Museum?" 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


43 


And  he  answered  up  real  smart — though  I  don't  see  what 
there  was  for  the  whole  conglomeration  of  'em  to  laugh  at : 

"You're  entirely  out  of  your  way,  ma'am." 

"Gracious,"  says  I,    "I  hope  not." 

"We're  at  South  ferry,"  says  he,  "but  I'll  direct  you,"  and 
then  he  handed  me  out  as  polite  as  possible.  It  wasn't  his  fault 
that  it  was  into  a  mud  pile  as  big  as  a  haystack,  but  the  driver's. 
Drivers  are  the  most  aggravatin'  class  in  York,  I  swan  to  man. 

Well,  this  young  man  with  the  wart  on  his  nose  and  the  red 
head,  stood  full  five  minutes  tellin'  me  to  turn  to  the  right,  and 
go  up  this  street,  and  turn  to  the  left,  and  cross  thingummy 
street,  and  pass  what's-his-name  Hall.  But  I  knew  about  as 
much  at  the  eend  as  I  did  at  the  beginning,  and  my  head  was 
spinning  round  like  a  teetotum.  I  was  glad  to  have  him  leave 
off  directions  so't  I  could  think  which  way  I  was  to  go,  and  off 
I  went  in  a  hurry — the  wrong  way,  it  seems,  for  fust  I  come  to 
a  market,  and  then  to  wharves,  and  everywhere  they  kept  direct- 
ing me  to  Broadway,  and  it  only  seemed  to  send  me  further 
away.  I  was  jist  beat  out  and  mad,  I  was,  as  hop.  Every  liv- 
in'  thing  I  had  on  was  splattered  with  mud,  and  I  lost  my  over- 
shoes twice  in  the  gutters. 

At  last  I  came  to  a  baker's  store,  and  there  they  told  me  I'd 
strayed  to  t'other  eend  o'  creation. 

' '  I'm  allers  sorry  for  a  lady  that  has  lost  herself  in  New  York, " 
says  the  lady  in  the  shop,  "and  our  wagon  is  jist  drivin'  over  to 
Broadway,  so  it  you  like  to  get  in,  the  man  will  take  you." 

Of  course  I  was  willing,  so  dumb  in  with  many  thanks, 


44  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

though  mebbe  ef  I  hadn't  remembered  my  manners  I'd  have 
got  along  better;  for  while  I  was  wavin'  my  hand  and  invitin' 
her  to  call  on  me  to  Sary's,  off  I  slipped,  as  flat  as  a  pancake,  in 
the  mud.  Ef  York  mud  wasn't  like  a  feather  bed  I'd  have  been 
killed  ;  but,  lawful  suz,  as  it  was,  I  was  as  ef  I'd  been  plastered, 
and  they  got  a  broom  and  swept  me  off  before  they'd  let  me  get 
in  the  wagon  agin. 

When  I  did  get  in  I  was  most  jolted  to  death,  and  the  flour 
stuck  to  me  where  I  had  been  dipped  in  the  mud.  So't  I  made 
up  my  mind  to  go  straight  hum  and  wait  till  Sary  got  over  her 
sulks  and  could  go  along  with  me  to  Barnum's. 

When  I  got  to  Broadway  I  knowed  I  could  find  Sary's,  for  all 
the  stages  run  past  her  corner.  But  it  so  happened  the  baker 
didn't  go  clear  to  Broadway,  and  when  he  sot  me  down,  he  says: 

"Just  go  straight  ahead  and  you'll  come  to  it  all  safe,  and  get 
into  the  fust  stage  you  see. " 

So  ahead  I  went,  and  soon  came  to  a  street  with  the  names  all 
askew  on  the  lamp-posts,  and  fixed  so  mortal  eyes  couldn't  read 
'em,  for  all  the  world  as  if  it  was  suthin  in  the  pockets  of  them 
as  fixed  'em  to  bewilder  strangers.  Seemed  to  me  it  looked  like 
Broadway,  though,  so  I  turned  into  it 

'Twas  horrid  dirty,  and  every  house  that  wasn't  a  rum  shop 
was  a  pawnbroker's,  and  most  of  the  population  was  a  heap 
darker  complected  than  my  poor  barber,  and  the  heft  of  'em 

tipsy. 

I  hadn't  gone  far  before  I  came  to  the  conclusion  'twasn't 

Broadway  after  all,  and  I  cut  down  a  cross  street,  and  went  on 
walkin'  until,  lo  and  behold,  I  saw  a  stage  standin'  before  a  big 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  45 

house  with  lamps  at  the  'door,  and  jest  stood  still  and  clasped 
my  hands,  I  was  so  thankful.  There  was  a  lot  of  boys  about 
the  door  waitin'  for  suthin,  and  I  asked  one  : 

"What  house  is  this,  sonny?" 

Says  he,    "Station-house,  missus." 

Of  course  I  calkerlated  it  was  the  stage  station.  Can't  be 
wrong,  thinks  I,  and  in  I  jumped  and  sot  down  in  the  corner. 
It  was  an  awful  black  old  stage,  with  windows  like  blind  shut- 
ters, and  smelt  awful  of  tobacco.  But  York  is  such  a  dirty,  bad- 
smellin'  place,  I  couldn't  feel  surprised  at  a  little  extra  disgust- 
ableness,  and  the  fact  of  the  matter  was  that  Sary  havin'  told  me 
all  the  Broadway  stages  passed  their  corner,  I  felt  safe  on  my 
way  hum.  Perhaps — though  it's  what  I  never  did  before — I 
may  have  dozed  a  bit,  while  I  was  waiting  for  the  other  passen- 
gers. I  waked  up  when  they  got  in — two  ladies  and  three  gen- 
tlemen— and  I  couldn't  help  noticin'  how  rude  the  policeman 
that  handed  'em  in  acted — wuss,  if  that  can  be,  than  them  that 
acts  as  beaux  over  Broadway,  though  they  way  they  push  and 
drag  is  a  caution,  and  I  couldn't  help  thinking  that  New  York- 
ers was  the  most  disreputable-lookin'  set  of  critters  above  ground. 

One  gentleman  was  rigged  up  amazin'  fine,  to  be  sure,  but 
he  had  a  black  eye  and  a  bruise  on  his  cheek,  and  t'other  gen- 
tleman looked  as  ef  somebody  had  been  trying  to  pull  what 
clothes  he  had  off  him,  and  the  last  one  actually  was  the  wuss 
for  liquor.  As  for  the  ladies,  one  hadn't  combed  her  hair  for  a 
week,  I'm  sure,  and  t'other  was  cryin'  fit  to  kill  herself. 

Says  I,    "What's  the  matter  with  you,  young  gal?     Anythin' 


4 6  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

happened  to  ye  ?     Got  hurt,  anyhow?"     And  she  looked  'round, 
and  says  she : 

' '  I  wish  there  had — I  wish  I  was  dead. " 

"Law,"  says  I,  "  that's  wicked.  We'd  orter  submit  to  cir- 
cumstances. "  And  then  the  lady  that  hadn't  combed  her  hair 
for  a  length  o'  time  sot  on  to  laugh. 

"Ha,  ha!"  says  she.  "Nuthin  ails  her  only  she's  goin' up 
the  first  time.  I  bellowed  when  I  had  my  first  year,  but  I  don't 
care  tenpence  now.  What  are_>w#  up  for?" 

"Me!"  says  I — though  I  couldn't  make  any  sense  out  of 
what  she  said.  "Me?  Well,  I  meant  to  goto  Barnum's,  but 
I  begin  to  feel  beat  out,  so  I'm  goin'  to  Sary's,  where  I'm  stop- 
pin'.  Please  tell  me  when  we  get  to  the  corner  o'  Twenth-fifth 
street,  for  that's  my  place. " 

She  stared  at  me  like  a  crazy  woman,  and  then  bust  out  a 
laughin'. 

"Thought  you  didn't  look  altogether  right,"  says  she. 
"Where  did  you  come  from?" 

"Jest  a  few  miles  from  Peekskill,"  says  I. 

"Where  do  you  suppose  you're  goin'  now?"  says  she,  laugh- 
ing. 

"Well,"  says  I,  "ef  this  is  a  Broadway  stage,  I  kalkerlateto 
go  to  Twenty-fifth  street" 

I  was  getting  skeered — the  passengers  stared  so  at  me. 

"Who  put  you  in  here?"  says  the  woman,  after  a  minute. 

"Wai,  I  saw  the  stage  waitin',  and  didn't  stop  to  be  put I 

got  in,"  says  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  47 

Then,  I  regret  to  say  it,  but  it  can't  be  helped,  that  woman 
used  an  immoral  expression.  In  fact,  she  swore,  and  says  she  : 

"The  old  gal  hain't  a  notion  where  she  is,  I'll  bet  tenpence." 

"Meanin'  me,  ma'am,"  says  I. 

"Of  course,"  says  she. 

"If  them's  York  manners,  give  me  Hottentots,"  says  I. 
"They  know  better  than  to  call  strange  ladies  old  gals.  I'll  get 
out  and  walk  the  rest,  sooner  than  ride  along  with  such  com- 
pany. Pull  the  check,"  says  I,  "some  o'  you  men,"  and  I 
tried  the  door,  but  it  was  shut  tight.  "Let  me  out,  driver,"  I 
hollered,  and  somebody  on  the  ruff  called  back  : 

"Hold  your  noise  in  there." 

"I'll  write  to  the  Herald"  says  I,  "and  to  the  Tribune,  and 
to  the  rest  of  the  papers.  Can't  you  stop  when  I  say  so?  I'll 
pay  your  fare  as  soon  as  I  see  you, "  and  I  banged  the  door  with 
my  umbrella. 

The  man  in  the  ragged  clothes  spoke  up  then,  and  says  he  : 

"Tain't  no  use,  old  lady.  If  you  hev  got  in  by  mistake, 
you've  got  to  stay.  They're  used  to  noises  and  poundings. 
They  won't  stop  until  they're  ready. " 

"Land  o'  Goshen  !"  says  I,  "what  du  you  mean — ain't  this 
a  Broadway  stage?" 

"It's  the  Black  Maria,"  says  he. 

"Well,"  says  I,  "I'd  name  my  stage  arter  white  folks  ef  I 
run  one.  But  that's  all  taste.  Where  does  this  here  go?" 

"tTo  the  Tombs,"  says  he.  "We're  all  going  there,"  and 
he  covered  his  miserable  lookin'  face  in  his  hands. 

I  jest  sot  and  stared,  and  tried  to  think  why  they  should  take 


48  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

livin'  folks  to  the  tombs ;  and  a  sudden  it  burst  upon  me  that 
probably  'twas  for  the  purpose  of  buryin'  'em  alive  and  stealin 
their  clothes,  and  I  sat  up  shriek  arter  shriek. 

"Police!  Police !"  says  I.  "Help!  Murder!  Let  me  out!"' 
and  at  it  I  went — pounding  the  door  with  my  umbrella,  and 
stamping  on  the  floor  with  my  boots  until  the  door  opened,  and 
there  we  were,  before  a  great  sepelchur  with  sloping  walls  big 
enough  to  bury  a  million. 

There  was  a  policeman  at  the  door,  and  he  pulled  the  others 
out  one  after  the  other,  and  at  last  he  came  to  me ;  but  I  held 
on  and  hollered. 

"Come,  now,"  says  he,  "we  don't  want  to  use  you  rough. 
Just  keep  quiet." 

"I  won't  be  buried  alive !     I  won't !     I  won't !"  says  I. 

' '  You  ought  to  have  thought  of  that  before.  Come  out, " 
says  he,  and  if  he  didn't  lug  me  out,  and  into  a  great  place 
where  the  rest  o'  the  passengers  were,  another  policeman  count- 
in'  'em. 

"Six,"  says  he.  "Why,  there's  one  too  many.  Here,  old 
woman,  how  did  you  come  here?" 

' '  They  dragged  me, "  says  I.  "I'll  make  'em  pay  for  it.  I've 
got  a  number  of  cousins  here,  and  a  brother  up  to  Peekskill. 
They'll  punish  you " 

But  all  the  while  I  was  trembling  like  a  leaf  with  fright. 

"Well,"  says  the  man,  "here  is  a  go.  Who  put  you  into 
the  Black  Maria  ?" 

' '  If  you  mean  the  stage, "  says  I,  ' '  seein'  'twas  waitin',  I  got 
in  to  go  up  Broadway." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  49 

"Were  you  aware  'twas  a  prison  wagon,"  says  he. 

"Hey?"  says  I.      "Is  this  a  prison?" 

"It's  the  Tombs,"  says  he. 

All  of  a  sudden  I  remembered  the  name. 

"Them's  people  that  have  been  took  up?"  says  I. 

"Yes,"  says  he. 

"And  anybody  seein'  me  get  out  thought  /was  took  up  too  ?" 
says  I. 

"Certainly,"  says  he.      "You  have  yourself  to  thank  for  it" 

And  I  swan  to  man  the  wretch  called  me  a  confounded  old 
fool,  sure  as  my  name  is  Charity  Grinder. 

"She  ain't  fit  to  go  at  large,"  says  he,  and  he  walked  me  out 
to  the  street  and  give  me  over  to  another  policeman,  and  he  put 
me  into  the  right  stage  at  last.  So  I  got  home  to  Sary's.  The 
Cuban  gentleman  they  have  picked  out  for  Florabella  was  there 
to  dine,  and  I  told  him  all  about  it.  He  said  'twas  outrageous, 
and  Sary  said  before  I'd  done  getting  into  scrapes,  I'd  mortify 
her  to  death.  She  orter  hev  more  sympathy  with  me,  but  this 
time  she  has  reason  to  be  mad,  and  the  minute  I've  done  this 
I'll  set  down  and  write  to  the  papers  that  "Whoever  saw  a  re- 
spectable lady  get  out  of  the  '  Black  Maria'  stage  at  the  Tombs 
prison,  are  hereby  informed  she  got  in  by  mistake,  and  for  fur- 
ther perticklers  call  on  Miss  Charity  Grinder,  at  her  Cousin 
Sary's,  No.  —  25th  street" 

After  that  there  can't  be  no  misunderstanding,  and  Sary  will 
feel  more  comfortable. 


50  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  SIX. 

CHARITY   DINES   AT  THE    KITTIKINS'. 

Keep  me  from  intellectable  folks  all  the  days  o'  my  life!  I've 
had  enough  of  'em  to  last.  Ketch  me  to  Cousin  Kittikins'  agin. 
He  ain't  exackly  a  cousins,  but,  you  see,  his  mother's  aunt  kept 
company  with  our  Uncle  Bobkins  quite  a  spell,  when  she  was  a 
gal ;  and  they'd  hev  been  married,  only  he  jilted  her,  and  she 
sued  him  for  breach  o'  promise  of  marriage,  and  took  the  money 
he  was  compelled  to  pay  for  breakin'  her  heart,  to  furnish  with 
when  she  married  Mr.  Shad.  So,  you  see,  we're  sort  o'  con- 
nected. 

Cousin  Kittikins  was  allers  considered  a  smart  boy  when  he 
lived  up  our  way.  Took  to  writin',  and  had  a  lot  o'  stuff  re- 
gardin'  the  moon,  published  in  the  Saturday  Evenin'  Shower- 
bath,  and  went  away  to  York  to  seek  his  fortune  when  he  was 
goin'  on  nineteen. 

We  heerd  from  him  now  and  then,  and  when  he  married  he 
sent  us  a  bit  o'  weddin'  cake  and  a  couple  o'  cards. 

His  wife  was  mighty  intellectable  too,  they  said,  and  was  in 
the  habit  o'  lecturin'. 

Well,  since  that  party  at  Sary's,  things  has  been  unpleasant 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  51 

there,  and  I  thought  I'd  go  away  a  spell,  so's  they'd  miss  me ; 
and  knowin'  where  Cousin  Kittikins  resided,  I  up  and  went 
there,  with  a  change  o'  things  in  a  portmantle,  and  my  knittin' 
work  in  my  pocket 

I  came  to  the  door  about  eleven  o'clock,  and  there  it  was 
streamin'  wide  open.  Couple  o'  children  eatin'  candy  in  the 
hall,  and  a  gal  messin'  with  a  broom  in  the  area.  Reckon  she 
thought  she  was  sweepin'.  Them  wild  Irish  has  such  slashin' 
ideas  o'  work. 

' '  Miss  Kittikins  tu  hum  ?"  says  I. 
Says  she,  "Yes,  but  she's  engaged." 
"  I'm  a  relation,"  says  I. 
"Be  you?"  says  she. 

And  I  didn't  answer  another  word,  but  marched  in. 
There  was  an  awful  bellowin'  in  the  front  parlors.  Sounded 
as  ef  some  one  was  fust  gettin'  choked  and  then  squeezed.  So 
I  run  in,  and,  laws  a  massy !  there  sat  a  lady  in  cloth  pants  and 
a  short  frock,  and  a  bob-tailed  coat.  And  she  waves  her  hand 
and  says  she, 

"Are  these  the  rights  o'  woman  ?     Speak  !" 
"Which,"  says  I— "the  pants?" 
She  clasped  her  hand  to  her  forehead,  and  says  she  : 
"  Ha  !"  and  then,  "Excuse  me,  I  was  absorbed  in  my  forth- 
coming lecture.     You  have  business  with  me  ?" 

So  I  told  her  who  I  was,  and  she  shook  hands  and  sent  the 
gal  to  call  Cousin  Kittikins.  The  gal  went,  and  come  back 
grinnin' 


52  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"  Master's  oversot  the  big  ink  dimmyjohn,"  says  she.  "Soon 
as  he's  sopped  it  up  he'll  come. " 

"Lawful  suz!"  says  I,  "probably  it's  all  over  his  shirt  front 
and  cuffs." 

"Thank  you  for  your  interest,  Miss  Grinder,"  says  Miss  Kit- 
tikins,  says  she,  "but  that  is  impossible.  Obadiah's  shirt  is 
dryin'  in  the  kitchen  at  this  instant" 

" His  shirt T  says  I.      "  Land  alive  !  hain't  he  got  but  one?" 

She  smiles,  and  she  says : 

"No,  muslin  does  wear  out  so." 

' '  Why  don't  you  sot  to  and  make  him  a  few  ?"  says  I. 

Says  she,  "With  my  engagements?  Why,  Miss  Grinder,  I 
lecture  before  the  Hindoo  Approximation  Consolidated  Female 
Society  at  one  o'clock,  and  say  a  few  words  at  a  meeting  of  the 
Freedwoman's  Humbug  Association  at  three ;  am  chairwoman 
of  the  Ladies'  Association  for  Teaching  the  Jewsharp  to  the 
Hindoos,  at  six ;  and  come  out  in  my  grand  speech,  in  which 
I  prove  that  a  girl  of  sixteen  is  invariably  the  intellectual  su- 
perior of  a  man  of  sixty,  at  a  quarter  to  eight.  Shirts  !  What 
time  have  I  for  shirts  ?  Besides,  Obadiah  can  always  have  one 
of  my  short  gowns  on  a  pinch." 

"Lawful  suz!"  says  I. 

Just  then  in  come  Obadiah. 

' '  Excuse  me, "  says  he,  ' '  for  keepin'  you  so  long,  but  after 
I'd  concluded  to  let  the  ink  soak  in,  the  devil  called  and  de- 
tained me " 

' '  The — who  /' — says  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  53 

"The  printer's  boy,  vulgarly  called  the  'devil,'"  says  he. 

' '  Happy  to  hear  it, "  says  I.  ' '  Thought  you  meant  the  old 
boy.  Well,  how  do  you  get  along  ?  Writin'  yet  ?" 

"Just  published  a  new  book,"  says  he;  "a  triumphant  liter- 
ary success — 'The  Hobgoblin  of  Holyoak;  or,  The  Murder  of 
Miranda,  the  Victim  of  Kasparagoobleboo. " 

"  Du  tell, "  says  I.      "  Who  killed  her  ?" 

"Her  demon  lover,"  says  he.  "In  the  first  chapter  there 
are  two  murders,  nine  specters,  one  natural  death,  and  a  sui- 
cides, beside  which  Kasparagoobleboo  hatches  his  muderous 
plot. " 

"Lor! "says  I. 

' '  In  the  second  chapter,  Miranda  escapes  her  demon  lover  by 
springing  from  the  castle-keep  into  the  moat  at  the  dead  hour 
o'  midnight,"  says  he.  "The  scene  is  laid  in  New  Jersey,  and 
the  hull  o'  the  characters  are  dead  before  the  second  part.  It's 
a  thrilling  thing,  Miss  Grinder.  I'll  give  you  a  copy." 

"Thank  ye,"  says  I.  "Law,  how  hungry  I  do  feel  after  my 
walk !" 

"That  reminds  me,"  said  Miss  Kittikins,  "dinner  ought  to 
be  ready.  Biddy,  why  haven't  you  rung  the  bell  ?" 

"I  sent  master  Dick  up  to  tell,"  says  Biddy,  who  was  doin' 
suthin  in  the  hall. 

"Lawl"  says  Miss  Kittikins,  "what  a  boy  that  is  1  Come 
down  stairs,  or  we  shan't  get  anything  I" 

So  down  we  went.  Lord  o'  Goshen  !  There  sot  the  table  all 
askew,  and  there  was  them  infant  Kittikins — all  as  dirty  as  rag- 
pickers. 


54  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

One  on  Jem  was  a-top  the  table,  diggin'  pieces  out  of  a  leg  o' 
mutton,  and  t'other  was  eatin'  apple-sars  with  two  tablespoons, 
one  in  his  mouth  and  one  in  the  dish  the  hull  time,  so's  to  get 
the  more.  Another  young  man  was  peggin'  potatoes  at  his  lit- 
tle sister,  and  the  baby  had  put  the  pepper-caster  into  the  sugar- 
bowl,  and  was  just  emptying  in  the  mustard.  Land  o'  Goshen ! 
I  sot  down  and  started. 

"Naughty  little  souls!"  says  Miss  Kittikins.  "But  we  were 
like  them  once.  Sit  down  and  help  yourself,  Miss  Grinder." 

"Well,  mum,"  says  I,  "as  to  helpin'  or  bein'  helped,  I 
dunno.  I  hain't  eat  my  peck  o'  dirt  yet,  and  I  shan't  begin 
now. " 

"Oh,"  says  she,  not  a  bit  put  out.  "Well,  people  that  have 
never  had  children  are  always  particular.  Biddy,  is  there  any- 
thing they  haven't  handled  ?" 

"  Some  bologny, "  says  Biddy. 

"Well,  fetch  me  that,"  says  I,  "and  a  bit  cut  out  o'  the 
middle  of  a  loaf,  for  I'm  about  starved.  ' '  What's  the  matter, 
Miss  Kittikins  ?" 

Says  she,  "The  teapot  spout  is  stopped  up  with  something. 
It  won't  pour  out " 

Biddy  took  a  spoon  and  dived  into  the  pot,  and  says  she  : 

"  Whool  St  Peter  over  us  !  this  is  a  fine  place  for  the  baby's 
illigent  new  blue  stocking  that  we  lost  from  the  wash  !  Masther 
John  put  it  in,  or  my  name's  not  Biddy !" 

"No  tea  for  me,  Miss  Kittikins!"  says  I.  "Seems  to  me  the 
old  boy's  in  the  house  !" 


THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS.  55 

"Little  contretemps  will  occur,"  says  she. 

"I'd  baste  contrary  Toms  with  horsewhips  then,"  says  I,  for  I 
was  mad  to  be  cheated  out  of  my  tea. 

"Biddy,"  says  she,  "make  a  little  new  tea  for  Miss  Grinder." 

Away  went  Biddy,  and  in  she  comes,  sooner  than  I  expected, 
with  a  teapot. 

"Thare's  a  clane  cup  for  ye,"  says  she,  but  when  I  tasted  it — 
excuse  me  for  writin'  such  vulgar  words,  but  it  tasted  o'  bed- 
bugs. 

Says  I,  "This  ain't  tea. 

Says  Miss  Kittikins,  "Where  did  you  get  it,  Biddy?" 

Says  Biddy,  "There  was  a  paper  of  it  on  the  top  shelf.     The 

other  was  out. " 

' '  A  blue  paper  ?"  says  Miss  Kittikins. 

"Yes,  mum,"  says  Biddy. 

"Law!"  says  she.  "That's  the  old  stuffin  out  o  my  mat- 
tress. I  wrapped  it  up  to  show  the  upholsterer  what  I  wanted 
my  new  one  filled  with.  Who  put  it  on  the  shelf,  I  don't 
know,  but  I  knowed  it  by  its  singular  smell  when  it  was  found 
out. " 

I  never  felt  so  sick  before  since  the  hour  I  was  born. 

Well,  that  finished  my  meal,  and  I  up  and  left  the  table. 

Before  I'd  got  out  o'  the  room  Cousin  Kittikins  follered,  and 
we  was  all  together  up  stairs  agin.  I  du  believe  even  Miss  Kit- 
tikins felt  kinder  squalmish. 

She  says,  as  she  comes  into  the  parlor : 

"Why  don't  you  ever  wear  the  Bloomer  costume,  Miss  Grin- 
der ?"  says  she. 


5 6  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Says  I,  "'Cause  I  don't  fancy  cloth  pants  and  docked  petti- 
cuts  would  be  becomin'. " 

"Oh,"  says  she,    "'Tisn't  for  that  one  should  wear  them." 

" 'Tain't, "  says  I.      ''What  for,  then,  mum?" 

"Oh,"  says  she,  "to  set  an  example  to  the  rest  of  our  sex." 

' ' '  Twould  take  more  than  that  to  make  me  figger  round  the 
cloth  pants, "  says  I. 

She  kinder  groaned,  and  then,  says  she  : 

"One  o'clock.  I  must  be  off.  Biddy,  where  is  my  bon- 
net?" 

"I  hain't  seen  it,"  says  Biddy 

"You  must  says  she.  "I  hung  it  on  a  peg  in  the  kitchen 
when  I  came  in  yesterday." 

Then  one  o'  the  young  uns  bawled  : 

"Ma,  Sam  had  it  on." 

"Where  is  it,  Sam?"  says  she. 

"Up  chimbly,"  says  he. 

"Go  get  it,"  says  she;  and  out  he  went  and  pitched  in  suth- 
in'  all  soot  and  ashes. 

"Shocking,"  says  she.      "Biddy,  brush  it  off,  and  bring  my 

shawl. " 

"The  shawl  is  on  Miss  Kitty's  bed  for  a  blanket,"  says  Biddy. 
' '  I  can't  make  beds  twice  a  day. " 

"Impertinent  menial,"  says  Miss  Kittikins.  "Obey  me  or 
tremble !" 

And  Biddy  went  arter  the  shawl. 

Naturally  '  twas  mussed,  and  besides  there  was  a  scorch  in  the 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  57 

middle  that  showed  it  had  been  used  for  an  ironing  blanket — 
just  the  stamp  of  a  flat  iron. 

Miss  Kittikins  put  it  on,  and  the  bonnet  too,  and  says  she  : 
"Miss  Grinder,  I'm  obliged  to  leave  you,  but  I  hope  I  shall 
find  you  here  when  I  come  back.     Help  yourself  to  anything 
you  like,  and  amuse  yourself  as  you  please.     Au  revoir." 

Away  she  marched,  and  away  I'd  er  marched  tu,  only  a  thought 
struck  me.  What  that  thought  was  I  can't  tell  you  until  next 
chapter,  on  account  of  bein'  dreadful  overcome  with  sleep ;  but 
you  shall  hear  of  it,  then,  or  my  name  isn't  Charity  Grinder. 


58  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER   SEVEN. 

HOW   CHARITY    CLEARED    UP   A    HOUSE, 

The  idea  that  struck  me,  that  I  told  you  I'd  mention  in  this 
chapter,  was  that  I'd  as  well  as  not  stay  where  I  was  and  clear  up 
a  little.  I  always  was  a  master-hand  to  clean,  and  I  kinder  itched 
for  to  get  a  hold  of  a  broom  and  scrub-brush.  Here  wus  a 
chance,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  how't  the  minute  they'd  gone 
— for  he  wus  a  goin'  arter  her  with  a  load  o'  papers  and  a  num- 
berill — I'd  drive  that  lazy  Bridget  round  and  set  things  straight 
for  Cousin  Kittikins. 

Poor  fellow,  I  did  pity  him.  Men  ain't  to  be  blamed  for  sich 
things  as  happened  since  I  arrived  tu  the  house.  It  was  all  her 
fault  for  bein'  so  intellectable. 

So  I  remained,  and  the  minute  I  beared  the  door  bang,  down 
stairs  I  went  I  found  Biddy  with  her  feet  on  the  kitchen 
hearth,  eatin'  peanuts,  and  every  livin'  thing  stuck  up  with  dirt 

" Here,"  says  I,    "d'ye  know  what  time  it  is ?" 

i  I 

Says  she,    "M'um,  our  clock  is  stopped." 
"Should  think  it  must  be,"  says  I,    "and  you  along  with  it 
Come  now,  no  foolin',  fetch  your  broom  and  dust-pan,  and  an 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  59 

extra  one  fur  me,  and  mizzle  up  stairs.  Miss  Kittikins  has  left 
me  to  keep  house,  and  I'm  a  goin'  tu  keep  it.  It's  been  spook- 
in'  along  of  itself  so  far,  I  should  say.  Where's  the  young 
uns  ?" 

"Out  in  the  street,  I  reckon,"  she  says. 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "fetch  'em,  no  foolin'.  I  will  hev  my  orders 
attended  to." 

And  in  a  minute  in  came  the  hull  bilin'  driv  like  a  passel  o' 
pigs,  and  black  with  dirt 

"There,"  sez  I,  "stop  proceedins.  Lift  off  the  biler  and 
give  me  soap  and  sody,  and  a  crash  towel ;  I'm  goin'  tu  wash 
these  ere  up  fust" 

And  so  I  did.     Soused  every  one,  rubbed  'em  till  they  shone 

i 
wrapped  'em  up  in  counterpanes,  and  sot  'em  in  a  row  on  the 

wash-bench,  with  each  a  spellin'-book,  and  orders  to  study. 

"And  don't  you  budge,"  sez  I.  "When  the  house  is  clean 
you  shall  have  some  clean  clothes,  and  study  catechise  for  a 
change. " 

They  all  yelled,  but  I  didn't  care  for  that,  and  up  stairs  I 
went. 

"Top  o'  the  house  fust,"  sez  I.  "Which  is  the  nastiest 
room  ?" 

"Missuses,"  sez  she,  and  in  we  went 

Massy  !  what  a  hole.  On  the  mantel-piece  was  four  bottles  of 
ink,  and  one  upset ;  a  dozen  dirty  pens,  a  bowl  of  victuals  of 
some  kind,  a  fork,  her  t'other  bonnit,  a  lamp  all  ile  outside,  a 
book  open  on  its  face,  and  a  dirty  towel. 


60  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

On  the  floor  \vus  his  boots  and  her  slippers,  the  young  uns 
dirty  aprons  and  a  pair  o'  tongs,  a  dead  kitten,  and  a  lot  o' 
ashes  out  o'  the  grate,  couple  o'  palm  leaf  fans,  and  a  flat-iron. 

Under  the  bed  wus  the  heft  o'  the  family's  siled  clothes  in  a 
market-basket,  and  a  plate  o'  apples.  On  the  bed  wus  a  cloak 
and  an  old  gown  to  keep  them  warm,  an'  one  o'  the  quilts  wus 
strung  up  in  the  windy  to  play  curtain. 

Last  night's  gas  wus  burnin'  yet,  and  the  wash  hand-basin  and 
drain  in  the  corner  wus  overflowin'  an'  dribblin'  onto  the  floor. 

Besides  that  somebody  had  evidently  been  bathin'  in  the  fish 
biler,  a  real  elegant  one,  with  a  copper  bottom.  The  things  at 
Cousin  Kittikins  seemed  all  good  if  they'd  known  how  to  use 
'em. 

"What's  this  here  room?"  sez  I,  p'intin'  to  the  next 

"It's  the  study,"  sez  she.  "Missus  don't  hev  that  swept 
ever. " 

"She  will  this  time,"  sez  I,  so  in  I  goes,  and  choked  straight 
off  with  the  clouds  of  dust  that  was  riz  by  walkin'  in  it 

There  was  more  books  with  kivers  off,  and  more  dirty  writin' 
paper,  than  ever  I  see  afore. 

"Begin  with  the  wust,"  sez  I.  "The hull  books  we'll  keep, 
and  the  ragged  we'll  burn.  Clear  off  the  shelf!  Here's  a  mess 
o'  scribblin' ;  light  that  fust  in  the  grate.  Don't  throw  in  no 
clean  paper.  I  ain't  goin'  to  countenance  waste. " 

And  we  went  on  pitchin'  in  scribbled  paper  for  ten  minutes. 
Then  I  begun  with  the  old  books. 

"'Bible,'"  sez  I.      "Put  that  safe  on  the  shelf,  if  it  is  all 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  61 

over  'lasses.  'Hymn-Book.'  Stick  that  up  too.  'Bacon.' 
'  Reckon  that's  a  cook-book.  Take  keer  o'  that.  '  Shakespeare. ' 
A  nasty,  wicked  play-book.  Pitch  it  on  the  fire.  'Pope.' 
Mebbe  you're  a  Catholic,  Biddy,  but  /  ain't ;  so  burn  anything 
relatin'  to  the  Pope.  'Volney's  Ruins.'  That's  history,  or 
geography;  keep  it  for  the  children.  These  here  is  verses. 
Burn  'em.  Lot  o'  novels.  Burn  them.  We're  beginnin'  to 
hev  more  room.  Newspapers.  Them  that's  clean  keep  for 
dresser  shelves.  What's  this  ?  '  Byron's  Poems. '  They'd  pison 
the  air ;  and  the  kiver  is  gone,  too.  Pitch  that  in.  Nice  clean 
book — 'Pilgrim's  Progress' — put  that  on  the  shelf.  'New  Tes- 
tament. '  Dear  me !  there's  a  fine-tooth  comb  betwixt  the 

leaves !'' 

And  so  I  went  on,  and  when  all  the  books  but  about  a  dozen 
was  burnt,  and  the  dirty  scribbled  paper,  too,  I  had  the  floor 
scrubbed  and  the  windy's  washed,  and  sot  the  clean  paper  on  the 
desk,  with  the  nicest  inkstand  aside  of  it,  and  darkened  it  up, 

and  went  on  to  her  bedroom. 

Biddy  grumbled  the  heft  o'  the  time,  but  she  was  afeard  to  go 
off,  because  her  wages  was  due,  and  she  thought  she  mighn't 
get  'em  in  that  case. 

Twas  half-past  six  when  we'd  got  through,  and  then  pork  and 
beans  was  ready  and  the  table  sot,  and  all  the  children  dressed 
clean,  at  their  cipherin',  for  there  warn't  no  catechises  in  the 

house. 

"They'll  feel  thankful  for  once,"  sez  I. 

"Just  see  if  they  will,"  sez  the  girl,  with  a  grin,  and  at  that 

minute  in  walks  Miss  Kittikins. 


62  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

She  stared  at  the  children,  all  sittin'  in  a  row  as  nice  as  wax, 
and  says  she  : 

"Great  Heavens!" 

"They  air  clean,"  says  I. 

She  sinks  into  a  chair,  and  says  she,  "  Obadiah !"  and  in 
comes  Kittikins. 

Says  she,  "Behold  our  wretched  babes  injuring  their  health, 
and  ruining  their  constitutions  and  eyesights  over  books!" 

He  looks  at  me,  and  says  he : 

"Air  you  aware,  Miss  Grinder,  that  we  have  come  to  the  res- 
olution that  study  is  injurious  to  infant  minds?  Develop  the 
body, "  sez  he,  ' '  and  the  brain  will  develop  itself.  Throw  aside 
your  volumes,  children,  and  fly  to  the  gymnasium  !" 

"They  can't  do  that,  sir,"  sez  Biddy.  "If  ye  plaze,  it's  all 
burnt  up." 

"The  poles — the  ropes — the  dumb-bells — the  Indian  clubs!" 
says  Kittikins. 

Sez  I,  "If  you  mean  them  nasty  clothes  lines,  and  dirty 
sticks  and  bats  in  the  garret,  they  air  burnt  Hadn't  a  idee  they 
was  Jim  what's-his-names.  I've  cleared  yer  house  for  ye  from 
top  to  bottom." 

Then  them  two  Kittikins  looked  at  each  other  and  flowed  out 
of  the  room,  and  back  he  came  first,  yaller  with  rage,  and  says 
he: 

' '  My  manuscript,  my  manuscript,  my  manuscript !  Restore 
my  manuscript?" 

"Hain't  seen  it     What  was  it?"  says  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  63 

"Bugram,  the  Regum;  or,  the  Ghastly  Guest,"  says  he. 
"Hob,  the  Happy  Hunter  of  the  Heath — Hunki  Dori;  or,  the 
Doctor's  Vengeance,  and  McHeath,  of  McHeath;  or,  the 
Bloody  Doom.  Where  air  they  ?" 

Says  I,    ' '  Was  they  books  ?" 

Says  he,  "Unprinted  books — paper  written  on,  and  sticked 
together. " 

"Law,"  sez  I,  "I'm  afeared  they're  gone.  You'd  orter  a 
left  word  about  em." 

Just  then  in  flies  Miss  Kittikins. 

"Husband,"  says  she,  "Yon  fiend  incarnate  has  destroyed 
my  speech  on  the  Supremacy  of  Woman,  and  my  lecture  on 
the  Haunts  of  a  Barn-Yard  Hen.  And  the  library  is  gone. 
Only  twelve  books  left. " 

Says  he,    "Wretched  Female  1" 

Says  I,    "What  are  you,  I'd  like  to  know?" 

Says  he,  "Listen.  Have  you  burnt  Dunderhead's  proof  that 
an  intellectual  man  never  believes  in  anything  ?" 

Says  Miss  Kittikins,    "She^w." 

Says  he,    "I  cannot  forgive  that.     No,  I  cannot  forgive  that 
We  will  say  adieu  forever,  Miss  Grinder." 
" Not  before  I've  had  my  dinner,"  says  I. 

And  I  went  to  work  at  the  pork  and  beans  with  a  will. 

• 
"I've  heerd  tell  of  folks  so  dirty  they  didn't  know  themselves 

when  they  was  clean,  and  you  belong  to  'em.     You'd  orter  go 
onto  yer  bended  knees  and  thank  me  'stead  o'  talkin'  so. " 


64  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

Says  Kittikins,  "  You've  destroyed  the  fruits  of  a  year's  study 
and  labor." 

"D'ye  mean  the  apples  that  was  under  the  bed?"  sez  I, 
' '  They've  been  washed  and  are  in  the  pantry. " 

Says  he,    "I  speak  of  the  products  of  my  pen. " 

"Lor',"  sez  I,  "you've  got  lots  o'  clean  paper  and  room  to 
write  in.  What  I  burnt  was  too  dirty  to  be  used.  I've  done 
my  duty  by  you, "  sez  I,  "and  I  hope  this  ingratitude  will  be 
forgiven,"  sez  I ;  "anyhow,  I  pity  and  despise  you  too  much  to 
get  mad. " 

So,  havin'  done  dinner,  I  on  with  my  things  and  drops  'em  a 
courtesy  and  walks  out,  and  I  don't  walk  in  to  the  Kittikins 
again  in  a  hurry. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  65 


NUMBER  EIGHT. 

WHY   CHARITY    REMAINED    MISS    GRINDER. 

Didn't  never  hear  nuthin'  o'  my  precious  history,  did  ye? 
Law,  no,  I  reckon  not — though  I  hev  been  in  print,  too.  Mrs. 
Cluppins,  that  come  down  tu  our  place  to  write  a  cook-book, 
got  my  recipe  for  a  plum  puddin',  and  named  it  arter  me — 
Charity  plum  puddin' ;  and  once  I  contribbited  a  five-dollar  bill 
to  the  association  for  providin'  the  Humbug  Islanders  with  pin- 
cushions, and  was  alluded  to  as  Miss  C.  G.,  of  P ,  $5. 

However,  about  my  love  affairs.  I've  acted  nobly,  and  never 
told  no  reporters  nothin'  whats'ever  about  'em,  on  account  o' 
the  feelin's  o'  them  that  might  read  'em.  I  hev  been  called  the 
Glory  of  Peekskill  in  my  young  days,  though  t'aint  for  me  to 
mention  it ;  and  I  ain't  so  orful  old  now,  for  the  matter  o'  that. 

I  could  give  a  list  o'  risin'  young  men  that  offered  themselves 
to  me  in  my  airly  youth,  and  two  widdiwers,  with  immense  for- 
tunes ;  but  I  turned  up  my  nose  at  all  on  'em — even  one  that 
followed  me  fifteen  years,  and  committed  suicide  by  plungin'  into 
dissipation,  after  he'd  come  to  the  determination  that  nothin' 
could  induce  me  to  alter  my  detarmination.  Poor  dear !  he 
only  died  four  years  ago.  His'n  was  such  a  slow  method.  His 


66  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

affection  was  entirely  disinterested,  and  his  heart  entirely  mine. 
He  warn't  but  six  years  junior  to  me,  and  his  fust  offer  was 
made  about  a  week  arter  Grand'ther  Billins'  death.  Poor  old 
man  !  he  left  his  property  'twixt  brother  Jonathan  and  me,  when 
he  stated  that  some  folks  had  mixed  motives  for  devotin'  them- 
selves to  their  enameraters,  but  that  his'n  was  pure  as  mornin' 
dew.  Beautiful,  warn't  it?  I've  got  his  letters  to  hum,  in  a 
bushel  basket,  kivered  with  an  old  linen  pillarcase.  Allers  was 
keerful  of  my  things,  from  a  child. 

Said,  in  one  on  'em,  nuthin'  would  please  him  better  than  for 
tu  hev  the  privilidge  o'  strewin'  my  path  with  flowers.  Warn't 
it  beautiful  ?  Used  the  most  illegant  langwidge,  and  no  bad 
grammar.  I  don't  abomilate  nuthin'  as  I  do  the  use  o'  bad 
grammar.  Graddyated  myself  at  Miss  Squizzle's  Seminary; 
worked  a  piece  in  cross  stick,  and  got  a  prize  for  a  composition, 
writ  in  verse.  To  tell  the  truth,  Sally  Spiggot  writ  it  for  me — 
but  then  I  did  her  sums. 

This  is  how  it  begun  : 

"Achilles'  wrath,  to  Greece  the  direful  spring 
Of  woes  unnumbered,  heavenly  goddess,  sing ! 
That  wrath  which  hurled  to  Pluto's  gloomy  reign 
The  souls  of  mighty  chiefs,  untimely  slain." 

There  was  more  on't,  and  the  examiners  praised  it  to  the 
skies,  and  says  one  on  'em,  "Considerin'  her  age,  it's  mighty 
smart. " 

'Nuther  on  'em  scratches  his  head,  and  says  he,  "Seems  to 
me  'tain't  purely  original.  Is  it  all  your'n,  little  miss  ?"  and  I 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  67 

says,  "Yes,"  as  bold  as  brass,  for  I  warn't  goin'  to  tell  how't 
Sally  Spiggot  writ  it  for  me. 

Lor',  yes — I  always  was  well  thought  of,  an'  kep'  the  fust  so- 
ciety wherever  I  went — none  o'  your  low,  uneddicated  folks — I 
despise  'em. 

That  was  an  examination.  You  don't  see  none  such  nowhere 
now.  We  all  parsed  grammar,  and  ciphered  sums,  and  did 
hist'ry,  and  some  on  'em  recited  pieces  they'd  selected. 

The  parents  was  to  teach  'em,  and  poor  little  Jemmimy 
Sprouts,  she  hadn't  no  mar,  and  she  went  and  stood  up  when 
called  on,  and  begun  to  repeat  this  here  : 

"  To  the  dark  and  silent  tomb 
Soon  I  hastened  from  the " 

There  she  was  choked  by  Miss  Squizzle,  and  carried  into  a  class- 
room and  feruled  on  both  hands.  Though  how  was  a  mother- 
less child  to  know  how't  an  epitaph  on  a  new-born  infant  warn't 
the  thing  to  speak. 

But  this  here  ain't  my  topic.  I  wanted  to  tell  ye  how  I  didn't 
happen  for  to  marry. 

You  see  I  never  took  no  notion  to  none  o'  my  numerous  ad- 
mirers, only  Mozart  Jenks ;  and  though  I  knowed  he  was  infa- 
tooated  with  my  charms,  seemed  as  if  he  wouldn't  never  come 
to  the  pint ;  knowed  he  adored  me,  but  he  was  too  bashful  to 
say  so.  We  went  round  a  heap  together,  and  he  sot  up  with 
me  a  number  o'  times  in  the  parlor  till  twelve  o'clock  ;  but  then, 
even,  he  didn't  never  speak  six  words.  Most  you'd  get  out  of 


68  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

him  was,   "Reckon  we'll  hev  a  spell  o'  weather,"  or  the  like  o 
that. 

Well,  this  hed  been  a-goin'  on  a  year,  when  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  bring  him  to  the  pint,  for  fear  he'd  spile  some  other 
match  for  me,  and  never  speak  himself  arter  all.  Concluded  to 
do  it  in  the  evenin'  we  was  invited  to  spend  to  Miss  Knockter- 
nal's. 

Twarn't  a  reg'lar  party.  Sort  o'  a  sociable  affair,  ye  know — 
the  gals  and  married  women  folks  went  tu  tea,  and  the  gentle- 
men they  came  arter.  I  went  purvided  with  a  couple  o'  mottoes 
— two  red  sugar  hearts  tied  together  with  blue  ribbon,  and  these 
here  verses  : 

"If  you  love  me  as  I  love  you, 

No  knife  can  cut  our  hearts  in  two." 

Well,  them  was  in  my  pocket,  done  up  in  silver  paper,  and 
I'd  made  up  my  mind  jest  what  tu  du  before  I  went  over. 

Miss  Knockternal  was  mighty  glad  to  see  me — all  my  friends 
allers  hev  adored  me — and  we  sot  down  to  hev  a  chat,  along 
with  some  o'  the  other  ladies,  and  I  happened  to  be  knittin'. 

' '  Law, "  says  she,  ' '  Charity  Grinder,  I  du  swan  tu  man  ef 
you  hain't  a  master  hand  tu  knit !  Law  !"  says  she,  "I  wish  I 
could  do  as  well.  I  kin  knit  stockin's,  but  not  mittens,  and 
here's  a  lot  o'  white  and  scarlet  wool  would  make  Amelia  So- 
phronia  a  nice  pair." 

Says  I,  "Hand  it  over,  Miss  Knocternal ;  I'll  knit  'em  in  no 
time — they  ain't  a  circumstance." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  69 

"Thank  ye,"  says  she,    "I'll  jest  wrap  up  one  of  her  old  un 
for  you  to  know  the  size. " 

So  up  she  wrapped  it,  and  I  stuck  it  in  my  pocket,  and  na- 
t'rally  didn't  think  of  it  agin. 

Well,  we  had  tea.  Miss  Knockternal  had  four  kinds  o'  cake 
and  three  kinds  o'  sweetmeats — sugar  was  high  that  year,  but 
law,  Miss  Knockternal  wus  allers  one  to  hev  'em.  Arter  tea  we 
went  up  stairs.  Then  the  gentlemen  came,  and  apples,  and 
nuts,  and  cider,  and  more  cake,  were  handed  round ;  and  Mr. 
Mozart  Jenks  he  came,  sot  alongside  o'  me,  and  devoted  himself 
to  me  the  heft  of  the  evenin'. 

When  it  came  time  to  go,  sez  he  : 

' '  Miss  Grinder,  may  I  have  the  pleasure  o'  escortin  you  hum  ?" 

Sez  I,    "Yes,  Mr.  Jenks." 

So  we  started  together.  For  half  a  mile  he  moved  along, 
suckin'  his  cane  head,  and  not  sayin'  nuthin'.  Kinder  made  me 
mad  to  see  him  so  spoony,  and  sez  I,  I'll  fetch  him — I'll  hev 
the  proposition  out  of  him  tu-night,  or  I  ain't  Chat  Grinder. 
So  I  heft  a  great  sigh. 

"What  ails  ye?"  says  he. 

' '  Nuthin', "  sez  I,  and  I  puts  my  handkercher  to  my  eyes, 

"Oh,"  sez  he,    "du  tell  me." 

Sez  I,  "I'm  thinkin'  what  a  desert  this  here  world  is  without 
a  companion  what  congeliates  with  a  body's  soul." 

Sez  he,    "Sing'lar.     I  wus  thinkin' nigh  about  the  same." 

'"Howcurus,"  says  I. 

"Ain't  it?''  says  he. 


70  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

Sez  I,  ' '  Didn't  know  you  of  the  male  sect  ever  sighthed  for 
congeniality  in  the  opposite  one. " 

"Why,"  sez  he,  "we all  do  that's  worth  anything.  Lovely 
woman  is  needful  tu  our  happiness. " 

Then  I  thought  'twas  comin'.  But  law,  he  only  sucked  his 
cane  head  agin. 

Sez  I,  arter  a  pause,  ' '  Wonder  you  never  thought  of  marryin', 
with  them  sentiments." 

Says  he,    "I  hev. " 

"Why  hain't  you?"  says  I. 

Says  he,  "I  warn't  sure  she'd  hev  me,  and  I  thought  I'd  feel 
flat  if  she  didn't" 

"Mebbe  her  sentiments  is  reciprocal,"  sez  I. 

"Mebbe  they  be,"  sez  he,    "but  I  can't  find  out" 

"Faint  heart  never  won  fair  lady,"  says  I. 

He  jest  sucked  his  cane.     I  could  ha'  punched  him. 

We  walked  on  a  spell,  and  cum  in  sight  o'  our  house.  'Twas 
a  summer  night,  and  our  folks  was  sittin'  onto  the  porch.  I 
knowed  there'd  be  no  chance  soon.  Says  I : 

"I  don't  believe,  Mr.  Jenks,  you  care  to  know  her  senti- 
ments." 

"I'd  give  a  big  punkin  to  know  'em,"  says  he. 

I  put  my  hand  in  my  pocket  in  a  hurry. 

Sez  I,  "Take  this  hum,  Mozart  Jenks,  and  p'raps  'twill  re- 
veal her  sentiments." 

So  I  stuck  (as  I  supposed)  the  two  hearts  into  his  hand,  and 
run  in  and  left  him. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  7I 

Twas  done,  and  I  reckoned  he'd  be  down  next  mornin',  but 
he  warn't  Nuther  wus  he  there  next  day,  nor  Sunday.  I'd 
been  plain  enough,  Lud  knows,  even  for  Mozart  Jenks,  and  I 
was  perplexed. 

When  Monday  came  I  was  in  dretful  tribbilation,  and  was 
settin'  by  the  windy  when  ma  cum  in,  and  says  she  : 

"Chat,  Miss  Knockternal  has  been  a  speakin'  o'  some  mitts 
you're  knittin'  fur  her.  I  hain't  seen  'em. " 

"They  hain't  commenced,"  sez  I. 

Well,  goodness  knows,  I'd  as  lief  knit  as  not,  and  I  stuck  my 
hand  in  my  pocket,  and  out  I  fetches  the  odd  mit  fur  a  pattern. 
It  felt  kinder  hard,  and  I  undone  it  in  a  hurry. 

Land  alive  !  'Twarn't  the  mit,  'twas  the  two  hearts  united  by 
blue  ribbon  and  the  motto.  I'd  gin  him  the  mitten  by  mistake, 
and  if  ever  a  girl  felt  distracted  I  did. 

Few  days  arter  I  got  a  note.     It  run  this  way  : 

"Miss  GRINDER:  You  needn't  have  took  the  trouble  to  give 
me  the  mitten  before  I  asked  you.  The  lady  I  alluded  to  was 
Miss  Grampkins,  and  her  sentiments  is  reciprocal.  I  don't 
send  the  mitten  back  because  'taint  likely  you'll  ever  have  occa- 
sion for  it,  and  subscribe  myself, 

"Yours,  respectfully,  MOZART  JENKS. 

"P.  S. — I'm  to  be  married  Thursday.  M.  J." 

Of  course  I  knowed  'twas  all  out  of  spite.  He  hadn't  had 
no  thought  before  of  Miss  Grampkins.  But  the  milk  was  spilt, 
and  that's  the  last  of  it 

So  as  I  hain't  seen  Mozart's  equal  since,  I  remain  in  singular 
blessedness  to  this  day,  and  don't  suppose  Mozart  knows  how't  I 
only  gave  him  the  mitten  by  mistake. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  NINE. 

CHARITY   GRINDER   ATTENDS    A    MATINEE. 

If  there  is  an  angel  in  man's  guise  on  earth,  I  do  think  it  is 
dear  Horace  Billiwinkle.  Out  of  a  hair-dresser's  window,  or 
one  of  those  dentists'  show-cases,  where  they  keep  putting  their 
talse  teeth  in  with  cambric  handkerchiefs  (the  wax  images,  I 
mean,  you  know),  there  never  was  such  a  complexion,  or  such 
dear  pink  nostrils,  or  such  a  sweet  little  mouth.  And,  then, 
his  mustache  !  No  matter  what  that  envious  Miss  Sourgrapes 
tells  you,  don't  believe  that  it  is  dyed,  for  the  raven  hue  is  na- 
ture's own. 

When  I  see  him  coming  up  the  street,  his  beautiful  gray  in- 
expressibles, so  exactly  like  legs  of  mutton  in  shape,  and  his 
sleeves  to  match,  and  his  heavenly  boots,  so  tight  and  shining, 
and  his  dear  little  bob-tailed  coat,  and  his  Dundreary  neck-tie, 
and  his  diamond  studs,  and  the  daintiest  mauve  gloves,  or  some- 
times lemon  color,  six  and  a  quarter  ladies'  size,  and  the  little 
cane,  with  an  ivory  dog's  head,  that  he  twirls,  are  so  bewitching 
that  I  feel  it  impossible  to  portray  my  sensations  vividly  with 
my  pen.  And  then,  when  I  think  that  I  may  call  that  magnifi- 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  73 

cent  creature  mine  some  day,  fancy  what  the  pride  of  my  heart 
must  be. 

And  now,  though  I  intended  to  write  anonymously,  I  find  I 
must  give  you  my  real  name.  I  am  Florabella  Alice  Elizabe- 
thina  Perkins. 

I  wouldn't  for  the  world  have  you  fancy  I  might  be  Miss 
Sourgrapes,  to  whom  Horace  Billiwinkle  never  paid  the  least 
attention  that  could  have  been  regarded  as  serious  by  any  sen- 
sible peason. 

I  am  the  idol  of  his  heart.  I  know  it,  for  he  has  told  me  so 
fifty  times.  And  though  Perkins  is  a  common  name  compared 
with  Billiwinkle,  and  my  grandfather  was  a  shoemaker,  and  it 
was  only  his  great-grandfather's  father  who  kept  a  junk  shop,  and 
sold  rags,  and  bottles,  and  things,  we  are  on  a  par  now,  and  who 
cares  for  ancestors  so  long  as  they're  not  publicly  mentioned  ? 

There  has  been,  I  admit,  a  coldness  between  the  families 
since  that  wretch  of  a  cousin  of  ma's,  Miss  Charity  Grinder,  in- 
troduced a  number  of  awful  people  into  our  parlors  at  a  party 
we  gave,  and  would  talk  about  poor,  shoemaking,  respectable 
grandpa.  She  should  have  felt  sympathy  instead.  Mrs.  Billi- 
winkle should ;  for  though  the  junk  shop  man  died  too  long 
ago  to  be  dragged  into  conversation,  I  don't  believe  he  was  re- 
spectable, and  went  to  church,  and  all  that.  In  fact,  Mrs. 
Crampton  Codfish  says  human  bones  were  found  in  his  shop 
after  his  decease. 

Poor  old  Mrs.  Crampton  Codfish,  she  needn't  talk,  for  though 
it's  ages  ago — as  much  longer  before  the  junk  man  as  the  junk 


74  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

man  was  before  the  shoemaker — there  was  a  Codfish  who  came 
to  be  hung.  So,  as  ma  says,  when  the  carriage  rolls  past, 
with  only  little  shriveled  Mrs.  C.  inside,  and  four  servants 
outside  in  livery,  her  line  begins  in  a  noose.  For  all  that, 
though,  nobody  can  help  envying  her  the  carriage  and  all  those 
calves  in  silk  stockings  dangling  about  it  It  is  so  stylish. 

There  I  go,  wandering  away  from  the  point.  I  set  out  to  tell 
you  about  what  happened  to  us — Horace  and  I — last  Saturday ; 
for  Horace,  as  I  meant  to  say  when  I  left  off,  is  not  altered  by 
circumstances  over  which  I  had  no  control. 

We  meet — and  oh !  a  piece  of  romance  is  so  delightful — 
against  Mrs.  Billiwinkle's  will ;  sometimes  at  that  sweet  Matilda 
Dorkine's,  who  is  my  dearest  confidante  and  friend,  sometimes 
in  Broadway  itself,  at  least  three  times  a  week. 

Last  Saturday  we  had  an  appointment  to  go  to  a  matinee  to- 
gether. A  musical  matinee  of  the  most  elegant  and  select  de- 
scription, or  Horace  Billiwinkle  never  would  have  invited  me. 
He  ol  all  persons  dislikes  to  mingle  with  the  vulgar  rabble. 

First  we  were  to  lunch  at  Maillard's,  and  there  we  met.  (It 
wasn't  wrong,  for  ma  knew  all  about  it,  though  of  course  she 
pretends  to  be  deceived. ) 

We  were  sipping  our  chocolate.  I  had  on  my  pea-green  silk' 
looped  up  over  a  skirt  of  black  and  silver ;  my  velvet  basq  ue 
and  the  last  new  bonnet,  just  the  shape  of  a  Roman  helmet,  and 
as  much  false  hair  as  I  could  fasten  on,  though  my  own  is  very 
abundant,  and  measures  a  yard.  In  fact  I  was  stylish  enough 
to  match  dear  Horace,  and  I  knew  it. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  75 

Well,  we  were  sipping  our  chocolate,  and  conversing,  as  we 
do  converse  at  times  when  no  one  listens  to  us  but  the  angels, 
when,  oh,  gracious  goodness !  I  heard  somebody  scream  : 

' '  There  you  are,  Florabella  !  I  du  declare,  New  York  is  the 
greatest  place  for  meeting  folks !  How's  your  ma  ?  Hoppin' 
mad  with  me  yet,  I  reckon.  Ain't  I  glad  to  sit  down — this 
here  bundle  is  as  heavy  as  a  ton  of  coal." 

And  down  in  the  seat  before  us  plumped  Charity  Grinder. 

It's  a  mercy  one  of  the  cups  didn't  fly  at  her  head.  I  felt  my 
fingers  closing  round  the  handle  so  closely. 

"Is  it  the  lady  from  the  country?"  asked  Horace,  in  his 
charming,  unaffected  way.  "Weally,  what  does  she  want?" 

"I  can't  think,"  I  whispered.  Then  I  said,  with  a  smile,  for 
in  society  we  must  smile  though  our  hearts  are  bleeding : 

"Come  in  for  refreshments,  I  suppose,  Miss  Grinder?" 

"Yes,."  said  Charity.  "Them  waiters  won't  hook  my  bundle 
if  I  sot  it  on  the  floor,  will  they  ?" 

"Oh,  no,"  said  I,  looking  at  my  watch.  "Mr.  Billiwinkle, 
I'm  afraid  we're  late.  Sorry  to  leave  you,  Miss  Grinder,  but  we 
are  going  to  a  matinee." 

Horace  took  the  hint 

' '  Vewy  sorry, "  he  said,  and  then  he  beckoned  a  waiter,  and 
gave  him  a  bank  bill. 

"You  see  that  elderly  lady  with  a  parcel?"  he  whispered. 
' '  Stuff  her  with  charlotte  russe  and  things,  and  keep  the  change. " 

"That  will  keep  her  safe,"  he  said  to  me.  And  we  smiled, 
and  bowed,  and  left,  I  thinking,  as  Horace  so  wittily  remarked, 
that  Charity  was  "safe"  for  an  hour  or  so. 


76  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Alas,  we'd  only  walked  a  block  when  a  crossin'  sweeper  ran 
up  to  us,  and  said  : 

"Stop  a  minute,  missus;  there's  some  one  coming  after 
you. " 

I  knew  in  a  flash  who  it  was.  Before  I  could  think  of  a  plan 
of  escape,  Charity  was  up  with  us.  I  thought  I  should  die. 
She  had  her  bundle  in  one  hand  and  her  blue  cotton  umbrella 
in  the  other,  and  came  up  talking. 

"Lawful  suz  1"  she  shouted.  (Why  is  it  nature  gives  such 
people  such  loud  voices?)  "Thought  I'd  never  catch  ye. 
Here,  Mr.  Billiwinkle,  take  my  numberill,  and  I'll  catch  hold 
of  your  arm,  so's  not  to  get  separated. " 

And  she  did  run  her  paw,  in  a  great  glove,  with  fur  at  the 
wrist,  up  to  the  elbow,  through  Horace's  arm,  and  put  the  um- 
brella into  his  hand.  I  don't  know  whether  he  was  bewildered 
or  afraid  of  her,  she  was  so  big  and  strong,  but  he  took  the  um- 
brella— such  a  baggy  one,  with  no  ferule,  and  a  great  hook  at 
the  end  of  the  long  pole — and  let  her  hold  fast  to  him.  I've 
described  his  dress — fancy  him  with  Charity,  in  a  yellow  shawl, 
and  her  awful  bonnet  a  quarter  of  a  yard  above  her  head  on  the 
face,  and  with  nine  blue  cabbage  roses  and  an  imitation  lemon 
on  the  brim,  and  a  bundle  tied  up  in  a  red  handkerchief  on  her 
arm — with  his  cane  in  one  hand  and  the  umbrella  in  the  other, 
and  his  mouth  wide  open,  and  his  eyes  shut  tight,  with  an  eye- 
glass in  one  of  them — so  horrified  by  what  had  happened  to 
him  that  his  senses  had,  I'm  sure,  left  him  for  a  while  entirely. 
It  was  my  impulse  to  rush  from  the  spot  and  hide  myself  in  an 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  77 

omnibus.  But  could  I  desert  my  Horace  under  such  horrible 
circumstances  ?  Lord  forbid  !  I  walked  by  his  side,  feeling  that 
if,  after  such  a  sacrifice,  he  could  ever  cease  to  adore  me,  he  was 
less  than  man.  And  all  the  while  Charity  was  talking. 

"When  I  heerd  you  say  you  was  goin'  to  a  mattyneigh,  I 
thought  I'd  go  tu,"  she  said.  "I  never  seen  one,  and  I  want 
tu  see  all  the  sights.  Lor' !  here  we  are,  ain't  we  ?"  For  just 
then  a  wretch  of  a  Jew  boy  thrust  himself  before  us,  crying, 
"Opera-glasses  for  the  matinee,  sir  !" 

"  Hurry  in,"  said  Charity,  "and  get  good  places." 

And  she  dragged  Horace  on ;  and  he,  like  one  out  of  his 
senses,  took  three  tickets,  and  went  straight  on. 

"  Horace,"  I  whispered,  "make  her  let  go,  can't  you  ?" 

And  he  answered  like  one  in  a  dream  : 

"Pewhaps  we  can  lose  her  in  the  cwowd." 

He  got  her  into  a  seat,  and  in  the  bustle  of  entrance  people 
didn't  notice  much,  or  thought  she  didn't  come  with  us.  Then 
away  we  went,  as  fast  as  we  could,  to  the  other  part  of  the  house ; 
though  Horace,  in  his  confusion,  held  tight  to  the  umbrella, 
until  I  absolutely  took  it  out  of  his  hand  and  put  it  under  a 
seat. 

The  orchestra  began  to  play,  and  the  audience  to  whisper, 
and  fans  to  flutter,  and  I  allowed  Horace  to  touch  my  toe  with 
his,  and  it  was  as  like  Paradise  as  earth  could  be. 
But,  alas  !  earthly  bliss  is  ever  fleeting. 

Signora  Screechorina  had  just  begun  that  lovely  thing  from 
the  Bandit's  Bride,  which  the  libretto  translates : 


78  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"  Horrible  villain  as  them  art, 
Still  my  soul  adores,  respects  thee  !" 

(though  there  is  something  so  funny  about  those  translations, 
you  can't  be  sure  of  them  unless  you  know  Italian) ;  when  we 
heard  some  one  say  : 

"Shove  along,  mister  man,  and  let  me  get  to  where  my  folks 
is — them  young  folks  there.  He's  courtin'  her,  and  she's  my 
first  cousin' s  darter, "  and  along  came  Charity,  with  every  glass 
in  the  house  turned  toward  her. 

"Thought  I'd  come  alongside  of  you,"  she  said.  "I'm 
kinder  puzzled.  Which  is  the  mattyneigh ?  Him  or  her?  or 
the  />zanner ;  or  what?  or  ain't  it  come  on  yet?  Good  gracious ! 
where's  my  numberill  ?  You  hain't  lost  it" 

"Do  hush  !"  I  whispered. 

"Hush!"  says  Charity.  "No  I  won't — that  numberill  cost 
two  dollars  when  it  was  new, "  and  up  she  rose. 

"Sorry  to  interrupt  the  mattyneigh,"  she  shouted.  "But 
my  numberill  has  been  gone  off  with.  Blue  cotton,  with  a 
hook  for  the  handle.  Anybody  that  took  it  had  best  bring  it 
back  to  Mr.  Billiwinklum,  sottin'  beside  me,  or  I'll  have  'em 
arrested.  Goon,  mum,"  she  said  to  the  signora,  nodding  z\ 
her.  "And  after  all,  if  I  have  interrupted  you,  I  don't  keep  on 
jawin'  all  the  time  like  the  rest  of  em ;  so  you  needn't  stare  at 
me." 

And  down  she  sat  again. 

I  felt  something  fell  against  me.  It  was  the  form  of  Horace 
Billiwinkle.  He  had  fainted. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  79 

Of  course  they  took  him  out — of  course  Cousin  Charity  came 
with  us,  and  the  climax  was  arrived  at  when  she  would  take 
him  home  in  a  cab  and  looked  out  of  the  window  to  tell  the 
driver. 

"You  see  it's  my  duty  to  see  to  him.  He's  engaged  to  my 
Cousin  Perkins'  darter — Florabella  Alice." 

I  should  wish  myself  dead,  only  I  knew  Charity  is  pious,  and 
is  sure  to  go  to  Heaven,  and  the  first  thing  I  know  I  should  see 
a  ghost  (these  modern  spiritualist  ideas  upset  one's  theology  so, 
they  used  always  to  be  in  white),  a  ghost  in  a  yellow  shawl, 
with  a  bundle,  who  would  say  : 

' '  Lor',  Florabella  Alice — here  you  are.  I  must  say  it's  a  sur- 
prise, seein'  you  ain't  a  Baptist. " 

Maybe  it's  wicked  to  write  such   nonsense,    but  I'll  go  to 
Grace  Church  twice  next  Sunday,  and  try  to  make  up  for  it 
Your  wretched 

FLORABELLA  ALICE  ELIZABETHINA  PERKINS. 

P.  S. — Despite  of  what  has  happened,  Horace  Billiwinkle 
and  I  still  adore  each  other. 

F.  A.  E.  P. 


8o  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  TEN. 

MISS   CHARITY   GRINDER   MAKES   A    MISTAKE. 

It  is  the  fault  of  New  York  for  being  so  similar,  and  I  ain't 
tu  blame.  Besides,  I  was  the  most  skeered  of  the  hull  bilin', 
so  ef  any  one  is  tu  complain,  it's  me.  While  I  was  under  the 
impression  it  was  housebreakers,  I  thought  I  should  conglom- 
merate.  Laws  a  mighty !  how  my  blood  did  friz  in  my  veins, 
to  be  sure ! 

You  see,  this  is  how  it  happened.  I  went  to  pay  a  visit  to 
Miss  Pecksalter — she  'twas  Abby  Brownbags.  She  ain't  no  re- 
lation, but  her  ma  was  a  neighbor  of  ourn,  when  she  was  four 
years  old ;  so  we  may  consider  her  an  intimate  friend  o'  the  fam- 
ily. She  married  fust-rate,  and  has  lived  in  New  York  ever 
since. 

I  had  her  name  found  out  for  me  in  the  directory,  and  went 
up  there  one  afternoon,  and  she  received  me  very  politely,  made 
all  the  world  of  me,  and  had  on  two  kinds  o'  preserves,  and  two 
kinds  of  cake,  and  potted  salmon,  and  lots  o'  things.  Peck- 
salter is  in  the  hullsale  grocery  line,  and  is  a  good  provider. 

She  lived  in  a  brick  house,  with  brown-stone  steps  and  facings, 
and  iron  railings,  and  there  was  ten  houses  in  a  row,  all  alike 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  81 

except  the  numbers.  The  fun  of  it  was  they  was  all  furnished 
alike,  tu.  It's  generally  so  in  York — what  one  has  t'others  will 
hev  tu — so't  you'd  think  they  was  all  relations. 

Reason  ain't,  I  reckon,  there's  so  many  would  like  to  be  fust 
folks,  and  ain't  quite  sure  how  that  they  look  around  and  see 
other  folks  in  the  same  predicament,  and  kinder  try  to  imitate 
'em,  thinkin',  to  be  sure,  they  know,  when  they  don't  no  more 
than  t'others. 

It's  so  with  Miss  Pecksalter.  'Twarn't  tu  be  expected  she'd 
be  up  to  the  inquisitions  o'  serciety,  when  her  ma  took  in  wash- 
in',  and  was  glad  tu  get  it,  tu,  poor  old  lady.  She's  gone  where 
there  ain't  no  washin',  an'  things  must  be  done  up  to  stay  so, 
accordin'  to  the  gineral  idee  of  their  whiteness.  'Taint  about 
poor  old  Miss  Brownbags,  however,  I  sot  down  to  tell  you, 
but  about  what  happened  to  me. 

Miss  Pecksalter  was  mighty  polite — I  never  seen  nobody  more 
so — and  J  staid  with  her  about  a  week.  Toward  the  eend  o' 
that  time  I  went  and  spent  an  arternoon  with  a  friend  o'  mine 
(I'll  mention  more  pertickeler  some  day)  by  the  name  of  Low- 
ery,  and  as  there  was  to  be  company  there,  I  expected  I'd  stay 
late. 

"If  you  do,"  says  Miss  Pecksalter,  says  she,  "take  the  latch- 
key, and  you  won't  hev  to  wait  for  the  door  to  be  opened. " 

So  I  was  very  much  pleased  with  the  idee,  and  took  it  and 
went. 

I  stayed  where  I  went  until  about  eleven,  and  then  was  seen 
hum. 


82  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

Mr.  Lowery  came  with  me,  and  says  he : 

"Shall  I  wait  until  they  let  you  in?" 

"No,"  says  I;  "I've got  a  latch-key,"  and  off  he  went,  and 
in  I  walked,  easy  enough,  shut  the  door  arter  me,  and  went 
up  stairs. 

My  room  is  the  back  one  on  the  second  floor  (that's  Miss 
Pecksalter's  spare  bedroom),  and,  of  course,  when  I  got  in 
'twas  as  dark  as  Egypt  I  had  thought  I  should  find  the  matches 
on  the  shelf,  but  they  warn't  there,  and  'twas  a  good  while  be- 
fore I  found  'em  on  the  bureau.  Then  I  lit  the  gas  and  un- 
dressed. 

I  had  put  on  my  nightgown  under  my  dress  to  be  ready  in 
case  of  staying,  if  it  rained,  at  the  Lowery's.  So  I  didn't  waste 
no  time  rummaging.  Tossed  the  things  I  took  off  on  a  cheer ; 
turned  the  gas  low,  and  got  into  bed.  In  five  minutes  I  was 
sound  asleep,  and  dreamin'.  I  remember  I  dreamed  I  was  at 
the  Kitterkins',  and  she  was  makin'  dirt  pies  for  dinner,  when  a 
noise  woke  me  up. 

I  lifted  up  my  eyes  and  saw  the  door  open  and  a  man  come 
in! 

I  tried  to  scream  out,  but  was  too  skeered,  so  I  just  laid  still. 

He  shut  the  door  arter  him,  and  walked  in,  and  straight  up 
to  the  gas,  which  he  turned  on,  full  head,  and  then  over  to  the 

bureau,  which  he  began  to  rummage.     I  thought  I  should  die. 

i 

Next  thing  I  expected  he'd  take  out  some  kind  of  a  weapon, 
and  begin  to  murder  me. 

However,  he  didn't  seem  to  see  me ;  so  I  laid  out  as  flat  and 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  83 

straight  as  I  could,  and  hardly  breathed,  though,  for  the  life  of 
me,  I  could  not  help  leaving  a  place  in  the  quilts  to  peek  through. 
He  was  the  boldest  housebreaker  I  ever  saw,  I  thought ;  for  he 
took  off  his  overcoat,  and  took  a  cigar  from  the  pocket,  and  be- 
gan to  smoke.  Then  I  knew  it  was  all  up  with  me,  for  smok- 
in'  always  chokes  me.  Well,  I  was  right ;  in  five  minutes  I  be- 
gan to  cough. 

I  hadn't  given  two  coughs,  when  he  looked  around. 

"Sing'ler,"  says  he,  and  went  on  smokin'.  In  a  minute  more 
I  barked  agin,  and  says  he  : 

"By  George,  that's  in  my  room,"  and  he  got  up,  and  began 
to  poke  about.  The  minute  he  said  "  that's  in  my  room, "  I 
began  to  guess  what  I  had  done.  I'd  gone  in  next  door  instead 
of  tu  Miss  Pecksalter's,  and  this  here  was  the  bachelor  brother 
that  was  expected,  as  Miss  Pecksalter  told  me,  to  leave  all  his 
property  to  the  children. 

He  was  quite  on  in  years,  but  very  musical — I'd  heard  him 
singin'  often. 

Yes,  that  was  him,  and  this  was  his  room,  and  when  I  com- 
prehended it,  I  turned  cold  all  over.  I  laid  as  flat  as  I  could, 
but  in  a  minute  he  spied  me  out 

"There's  somebody  in  the  bed,"  says  he. 

Then  I  was  obligated  to  put  my  head  out,  and  the  only  mis- 
ery there  was  in  that  awful  dispensation  was  that  I  had  on  my 
best  nightcap — Swiss  muslin,  with  inserting  in  the  border,  and 
lace  on  the  ends  of  the  strings. 

The  minute  he  saw  me  he  cried  out : 


84  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

' '  Angels  and  ministers  of  grace  defend  us  !     It's  an  old  lady !" 

' '  Old  yourself, "  says  I ;  for  I  was  so  mad  I  forgot  everything 
else. 

Then  the  hull  horror  of  my  situation  burst  upon  me,  and  I 
wept. 

Says  he  :  "Well,  this  is  the  queerest  go  I  ever  did  see.  Who 
may  you  be?" 

"I'm  the  unhappy  Miss  Charity  Grinder,"  says  I.  "I've got 
here  by  mistake.  I  live  next  door.  If  you've  got  any  perlite- 
ness  in  you  you'll  go  into  the  pantry  and  shet  the  door  while  I 
dress. " 

When  I  said  that  he  turned  as  red  as  flannel,  and  says  he : 

"With  the  greatest  pleasure,  ma'am,"  and  flowed  into  the 
pantry. 

I  got  up,  turned  the  key  on  him,  put  a  bit  o'  paper  in  the 
keyhole,  and  dressed  faster  than  I  ever  did  in  all  my  life  before. 
Then  I  unlocked  it  and  cut  out  of  the  room,  and  down  stairs  tu 
the  street  door. 

More  haste  less  speed.  Ef  I  hadn't  been  so  fast  I'd  have  been 
surer.  Half  way  down  I  tumbled  and  came  near  breaking  my 
neck. 

The  noise  I  made  brought  somebody  to  the  door  of  the  front 
room.  The  lady  of  the  house,  I  calkerlated,  by  her  voice. 

She  called  out  ' '  Who's  there  ?"  three  times ;  but  you  may 
bet  I  didn't  answer.  And  I  got  the  door  open,  and  was  at  the 
next  house,  and  had  that  unlocked  before  you  could  count 
sixty. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  85 

I  made  my  way  up  stairs  as  fast  as  I  could — for  I  wouldn't 

'  have  anybody  find  out  what  had  happened  for  worlds — and  got 

into  my  own  room  and  into  my  own  bed,  thank  fortune,  at  last. 

And  as  I  went  to  sleep,  I  was  glad  nobody  knew  it  but  the 
old  bachelor,  who'd  be  sure  to  say  nothin',  for  he  must  feel  as 
bad  as  me.  But,  lawful  suz !  there  is  times  when  the  hull  crea- 
tion seems  agin  you.  I  might  as  well  hev  hollered  it  out  at 
once. 

Not  knowin'  that,  I  went  down  to  breakfast  lookin'  as  ef  noth- 
in' had  happened,  and  got  talkin'  to  Mr.  Pecksalter  about  York 
markets. 

Sez  I,    "I  hain't  seen  one  yet. " 

Sez  he,  "Well,  I'm  goin'  to  market  this  mornin'.  Get  on 
your  things  and  I'll  show  you  what  New  York  markets  are. " 

So  I  went  up  to  get  'em.  There  was  my  bonnet,  but  there 
was  somethin'  that  didn't  seem  like  my  new  cloak  that  I'd  only 
bought  the  day  before.  It  felt  so  funny  about  the  arms,  and  was 
kinder  tight  in  the  skirt.  I  called  to  Miss  Pecksalter. 

"See  here,"  sez  I,  "we  hain't  changed  cloaks,  hev  we? 
This  don't  appear  to  fit. " 

"It's  a  man's  coat,"  says  she,  in  astonishment.  "Why,  what 
on  earth  have  you  been  doin'?  'Tisn't  Mr.  Pecksalter's.  His 
is  brown.  Seems  to  me  I've  seen  it  before,  tu.  How  could  you 
change  your  cloak  for  this  without  knowing  it?" 

Then  she  dived  into  a  pocket,  and  out  came  a  cigar-case  with 
a  name  on't. 

4 'Land  alive  !"  says  she,  reading  the  name ;  "it's  Mr.  James 


86  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS, 

Dumpling.     Why,  that's  the  old  bachelor  that  lives  next  door." 

' '  It  can't  be  his, "  says  I. 

"Then  whose  is  it?"  says  she,  and  I  felt  turning  scarlet. 

What  I  should  have  said,  I  don't  know,  but  at  that  minute 
there  came  a  ring  at  the  bell,  and  somebody  asked  to  see  Miss 
Grinder. 

It  was  the  Dumpling's  hired  girl,  and  she  looked  very  red  and 
discomfiscated. 

"Could  I  see  you  alone,  miss?"  says  she. 

"Certainly,"  says  I,  and  I  took  her  up  to  my  bedroom. 

Then  she  laid  down  a  bundle  she  had,  and  says  she : 

"Mister  James  Dumpling  says,  'If  you  please,  send  him 
his'n. ' " 

And  I  saw  it  was  my  cloak  she'd  brought  along  with  her. 

I  took  up  his  coat  and  gin  it  to  her.     Says  I : 

"  I  s'pose  you  know  all  about  it?" 

Then  she  burst  out  a  laughin'. 

"Yes,"  says  she.  "Missus  found  this  in  Mr.  James'  room, 
and  he  had  to  tell,  miss.  They're  roarin'  about  it  over  the 
breakfast  this  minute." 

After  that,  of  course,  there  was  no  payin'  her  not  to  mention 
it.  And,  indeed,  she'd  told  the  hull  to  our  girl  in  the  area  an 
hour  before.  And  the  story  got  about,  and  I  was  grinned  at  in- 
doors, and  grinned  at  out,  until  I  was  fairly  sick  on't 

At  last  it  got  to  be  too  bad  to  bear,  and  I  packed  up  and 
went  over  to  Brooklyn,  where  I  have  some  connections. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  87 


NUMBER  ELEVEN. 

MISS   CHARITY   MEETS   A   POSTMASTER-GENERAL. 

Ever  since  I've  cum  down  from  Peekskill  I've  intended  for  to 
write  to  Miss  Griffin.  Somehow,  though,  I've  gone  and  put  it 
off  and  put  it  off  until  seemed  to  me  I  wouldn't  never  do  it. 
However,  last  Sunday  was  a  week,  I  did  sot  down  and  give  her 
an  account  of  most  o'  the  things  that  I'd  been  through  since  I 
got  to  York,  with  the  heft  of  what  I  could  find  out  about  the 
folks  I  visited,  and  all  I  reckoned  about  the  rest — made  it  as  in- 
terestin'  as  I  could,  and  put  it  in  an  envelope  and  directed  it, 
so's  to  have  it  by  me  Monday  mornin',  when  I  intended  to  hunt 
up  some  relatives  o'  mine  I'd  heered  was  come  to  York. 

Well,  Monday  came,  and  as  I  started  out  I  said  to  Cousin 
Marthy,  (I'm  there  agin  a  spell,) 

"Where's  the  post-office,  Marthy?" 

"Coin'  to  put  in  a  letter  ?"  says  she. 

"Yes,"  says  I. 

"Oh !"  says  she.  "Well,  you  needn't  go  to  the  post-office; 
only  jest  slip  it  into  one  o'  them  boxes  on  the  lamp-posts. 
They'll  do  as  well. " 


88  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Says  I,  "  Land  alive,  what's  York  comin'  to?  Be  them  post- 
offices  ?" 

She  laughs,  and  says  she  . 

"Well,  they're  letter-boxes,  and  they  save  a  long  journey. 
They're  quite  a  convenience." 

"Of  course  they  be,"  says  I,  and  out  I  went  to  put  the  letter 
in  first  off  before  I  did  another  thing. 

I  walked  along,  looking  for  a  lamp-post,  and  soon  I  come  to 
one.  There  was  a  box  to  it,  and  beside  it  stood  a  young  man 
in  a  plaid  waistcoat  and  very  ily  hair,  smoking  and  whistling. 

"Is  this  here  the  post-office,  young  man?"  says  I. 

He  looks  at  me  a  minute  and  grins — what  fur,  I'd  like  to 
know — and  says  he: 

"Yes'm,  and  I'm  postmaster-general  of  this  corner." 

"  Oh !"  says  I.  "Well,  you  needn't  take  such  airs  if  you  are. 
You  government  officials  always  presumes  on  your  position  in 
society  to  be  imperdent  to  them  that's  full  as  good  as  you,  if  not 
a  little  better.  None  o'  your  airs  to  me.  I  want  a  letter  put  in 
to  the  office  for  Peekskill.  What  d'ye  tax  ?" 

"Oh,"  said  he,  "that  depends  on  weight,  mum." 

"Well,"  says,  I,  "what  does  this  weigh  ?" 

I  gin  him  the  letter,  and  he  balanced  it  upon  his  thumb,  and 
says  he : 

"Well,  this  is  a  purty  heavy  letter.  I'll  tax  seventy-five  cents 
for  it  It's  less  than  it  ought  to  be,  but  considerin'  you're  an  old 
lady " 

"Like  your  imperdence,"  says  I.     "Old  1" 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  89 

"Middle-age,  I  meant,"  says  he. 

"  Oh ! "  says  I ;  "  say  so  next  time.  Seventy-five  cents.  What 
an  awful  postage !" 

"It's  owin'  to  the  rise  in  cotton  and  gold,"  says  he.  "They 
went  up  double  yesterday. " 

"Oh!"  says  I.  "Well,  I  suppose  it  can't  be  helped.  But 
I  sha'n't  write  much  more  at  that  rate ;  correspondence  would  be 
too  expensive.  Will  you  take  it  safe?" 

"Of  course  I  shall,"  says  he.  "Come,  now,  my  time  is  of 
value. " 

So  I  gave  him  the  letter,  and  three  twenty-five  cent  stamps, 
and  went  away,  but  as  I  looked  back  I  saw  him  goin'  in  to  a 
liquor  store. 

' '  I  didn't  like  the  looks  o'  that,  and  it  struck  me  I'd  stop  at 
Marthy's  agin  and  ask  her  whether  he  was  trustworthy.  So  I 
did.  I  tapped  at  the  basement  window  and  she  came. 

"Marthy,"  says  I,  "what  kind  of  a  fellow  is  the  postmaster- 
general  at  the  corner  ?" 

" Hey?"  says  she. 

"The postmaster-general  at  the  corner,"  says  I. 

Says  she,  ' '  What  on  earth  has  been  happening  to  you  now  /*" 
So  I  up  and  told  her.  When  I  did  she  set  to  laughing  until  I 
thought  she'd  get  hysterics.  By  and  by,  seeing  how  mad  I  was 
getting,  she  stopped  and  begun  to  explain — how't  there  warn't 
no  such  officiate,  and  how't  the  letter  and  the  money  was  likely 
stolen. 


90  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"The  letter  ain't,"  says  I;   "I  seen  him  put  that  in  the 
box. " 

"Oh,"  says  she,  "then  if  it  was  stamped  it  will  go." 
"Land  alive,"  says  I,  "it  hadn't  no  stamp  on  it.     Up  home 
I  always  give  the  money  to  the  people  at  the  office,  and  they 
put   them  on.     So    I    thought   he   would.       Where   d'ye   get 
stamps?" 

' '  Oh, "  says  she,  ' '  I  have  plenty  here, "  and  she  opened  her 
pocket-book  and  gave  me  a  couple. 

"Now  if  I  had  my  letter  out,  I'd  put  it  on,"  says  I. 
She  laughed,  and  says  she  : 
"You'll  have  to  write  another  one." 

But  I  was  determined  not  to.  I  didn't  say  nothin'  to  Marthy, 
but  I  posted  up  to  my  bedroom,  and  got  a  long  bit  o'  whale- 
bone, and  made  a  hook  on  the  end  of  it  with  a  pin,  and  then 
down  I  marched  to  the  corner  and  began  to  try  to  get  out  my 
letter. 

It  was  plaguey  work.  The  little  flap  kept  a  falling  down, 
and  fish  as  I  could,  I  couldn't  find  nothing.  I've  got  a  heap  of 
spirit,  though,  and  I  kept  on.  At  last  the  pin  did  stick  in 
something,  and  I  fished  a  letter  up,  so's  I  could  stick  in  my 
fingers  and  get  it  out.  'Twasn't  mine,  though;  'twas  directed 
to  a  Miss  Albertina  Briggs. 

I  was  provoked,  I  tell  you,  and  I  held  it  in  my  hand  while  I 
fished  again.  About  ten  minutes  after  up  come  another.  Then 
I  thought  I'd  got  mine,  for  sure,  but  this  time  'twas  a  dirty 
affair,  directed  to  Bridget  Rooney. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  91 

What  on  earth  possessed  me  not  to  put  'em  back,  I  don't 
know,  but  I  held  'em  while  I  went  on  peepin'  into  the  little 
hole  and  forgettin'  everything  else,  when  down  comes  a  hand  on 
my  shoulder,  and  a  voice  says  in  my  ear  : 

"Caught  you  at  last,  eh?" 

And  there  was  a  policeman. 

"What  are  you  doin'?"  says  he. 

"Trying  to  get  my  letter  out,"  says  I. 

"Needn't  play  the  innocent  on  me,"  says  he.  "Come,  give 
me  your  implements. " 

And  he  took  away  the  letters  and  the  whalebone  and  pin,  and 
caught  me  by  the  arm,  and  marched  me  away  up  street 

There  was  a  train  of  boys  a  mile  long  arter  us,  and  I  shrieked 
the  hull  way. 

I've  knowed  ever  since  jest  how  what's-her-name,  with  yaller 
hair — Antoinette  somebody,  that  brother's  got  an  engraving  of 
over  the  mantletry  tu  hum — felt  when  the  French  Revolutioners 
were  dragging  her  away  to  the  gillytine.  It's  spelt  more  French- 
ified in  the  engraving,  but  I  can't  jest  remember  how.  I  haven't 
a  doubt — though  I  had  no  looking-glass — that — my  phizma- 
hogany  had  jest  the  touchin'  expression  o'  hern. 

They  took  me  to  a  station-house — they  did,  indeed  ;  and 
then  the  policeman  says  to  the  gentleman  behind  a  desk  : 

' '  Here's  the  person  who  has  been  robbing  the  letter-boxes  in 
this  ward.  I've  jest  captured  her  and  her  implements. 

"Oh,  what  a  dreadful  thing!"  says  I.  "I  ain't,  Mr.  Judge 
and  Jury,  I  airit.  I'm  highly  respectable  and  a  professor,  and 


92  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

I'll  have  him  sued  for  libel  the  minute  I  can  write  to  my  brother 
to  come  down  and  do  it." 

"Silence."  says  the  gentleman.  "This  is  a  very  ingenious 
contrivance,"  and  he  looked  at  the  whalebone  and  pin  like  an 
owl.  ' '  Were  there  any  letters  on  her  person  ?" 

"Two,"  says  the  policeman,   handin'  'em  up. 

' '  I  was  goin'  to  put  'em  back, "  says  I. 

"Silence  !"  says  the  gentleman. 

"Hold  your  own  tongue !"  says  I.  "I  suppose  you'd  like  to 
hang  me  and  not  have  me  speak  a  word." 

"This  is  useless,"  says  the  gentleman.  "But  in  consider- 
ation of  your  age  and  sex  I  may  promise  you  some  clemency, 
if  you  give  up  your  accomplices. " 

"Well,"  says  I,  "I  kin  knit,  and  work  cross  stitch,  and  make 
paper  flowers,  and  do  tambour  work,  and  I  did  once  paint  a 
piece  on  velvet,  but  the  teacher  finished  it  up. " 

"Is  the  woman  crazy?"  said  the  gentleman. 

"Them's  my  accomplices,"  says  I,  "and  I  allers  hev  been 
considered  accomplished  up  tu  Peekskill. " 

"No  evasion,"  said  the  gentleman.  "If  you  are  in  league 
with  light-fingered  Dick  you  might  as  well  own  it." 

"I  ain't  engaged  to  nobody,"  says  I.  "Parson  Scrag  does 
call  tu  brother's  now  and  then,  but  'tain't  for  me  to  say  he 
comes  to  see  me. " 

' '  She's  a  deep  one, "  says  the  policeman. 

"It  will  not  avail  her,"  said  the  gentleman.  "I  must  com' 
mil  her." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  93 

i 

"I  knowed  that  was  a  legal  term  for  sending  me  to  prison, 
and  down  I  flopped  on  my  knees. 

"Don't,"  says  I;   "I'll  make  full  confession." 

' '  Very  well, "  says  the  gentleman ;  and  another  sat  down  at 
his  desk  and  begun  to  write. 

' '  I'm  Miss  Charity  Grinder, "  says  I . 

"Got  that  down,  secretary?"  says  the  gentleman. 

"Yes,  sir,"  says  he. 

"I'm  from  Peekskill,"  says  I,  "and  my  brother  is  named 
Jonathan,  and  I  belong  to  Dr.  Cluppins' " 

'•'Is  he  one  of  the  gang?"  says  he. 

"Gang  !"  says  I.      "  He's  our  pastor. 

"Oh  !"  says  he. 

"I  come  tu  York  to  visit  my  relatives  and  see  the  sights,' 
says  I;  "and  if  this  is  one  of  'em,  I  wish  I'd  staid  at  home. 
I  wouldn't  never  hev  been  here  if  it  hadn't  been  for  the  post- 
master-general. " 

"Gracious  goodness !  what  does  the  woman  mean  ?"  says  the 
gentleman. 

So  I  told  him  the  hull  on't  about  the  letter  and  the  seventy- 
five  cents,  and  all,  and  says  I : 

' '  I  didn't  want  nobody  else's,  but  when  I'd  fished  'em  I  was 
afraid  of  catchin'  'em  agin,  so  I  didn't  want  to  put  'em  back,  Mr. 
Judge  and  Jury,  until  I'd  got  mine.  If  that  there  policeman 
had  knowed  his  duty,  he'd  hev  seen  I  was  a  respectable  lady, 
and  never  hev  took  me  up  for  a  highway  housebreaker." 

Then  I  give  him  Cousin  Marthy's  address,  and  told  him  he 


94  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

knowed  'twas  all.true.     It  appeared  he  was  well  acquainted  with 
her  husband,  and  he  begun  to  believe  me. 

He  called  a  policeman  and  sent  him  to  the  house,  and  soon 
Marthy  came  around,  in  an  awful  rage  with  me.  I  could  see 
that  by  her  face.  No  more  sympathy,  the  cruel  wretch,  than  if 
I'd  been  a  stranger. 

What  she  said,  however,  was  enough ;  and  they  didn't  send 
me  to  prison ;  but  I  heard  Marthy  ask  in  a  whisper : 

"Isn't  there  any  legal  way  of  making  her  go  home?  I'm 
sure  she'll  manage  to  disgrace  us  completely  if  she  stays  much 
longer.  She  ought  to  be  in  Bedlam." 

I  was  goin'  to  flare  up  at  that,  but  I  decided  not  You  see 
York  folks  is  so  techy  that  most  on  'em  where  I've  been  is 
offended  a' ready ;  and  I  mean  to  stay  till  I've  made  my  match, 
and  I  don't  mean  to  board  while  I  do.  Boardin'  is  expensive. 
Besides,  there's  real  good  eatin'  at  Marthy's.  Wouldn't  be, 
though,  if  she  hadn't  a  nigger  to  cook,  and  I  ain't  goin'  to  give 
her  a  chance  to  quarrel  with  me.  I  walked  home,  hookin'  arm 
with  her,  and  all  the  sassy  boys  we  met  kept  a  hollerin', 
"There's  the  woman  that  was  took  up !"  the  hull  way. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  95 


NUMBER  TWELVE. 

CHARITY       IS       ECONOMICAL. 

Sence  I've  come  to  York  the  thing  that's  flabbergusted  me 
most  (I  don't  mind  tellin'  you,  Mrs.  Lemon,  now  we're  takin' 
a  quiet  cup  o'  tea  together),  has  been  the  fashions.  1  can't  get 
at  'em.  They  look  plain  enough,  but  there's  allus  a  mystery 
connected  with  'em. 

Now,  there's  the  hair.  Du  you  suppose  it  grows  nat'ral,  sort 
o'  standin'  on  eend,  in  York,  and  all  frizzled,  or  do  they  du  it? 
Du  it,  hey.  Well,  what  they  want  tu  look  like  colored  folks, 
that  hain't  had  time  to  use  the  fine-tooth  comb,  for,  I  don't 
know. 

Well,  along  when  I  fust  come  they  wore  bonnets  without  no 
crowns  tu  'em ;  and  then,  jest  as  I  got  mine  cut  out,  they've 
took  to  wearin'  the  curiousest  kind  of  a  bugle  tu  the  back. 
The  hull  affair  looks  more  like  a  tin  puddin'-case,  with  the 
cover  lifted,  than  anythin'  else;  and  do  all  I  would,  mine 
wouldn't  stick  up  so. 

Well,  altogether  I've  tried  and  tried  to  be  fashionable,  until 
my  brains  is  wore  out,  and  yet  I  heerd  one  o'  the  helps  (I'm 


96  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

stayin'  tu  Mirandy's  now,  and  she's  got  lots  of  'em),  say  I  was 
the  oldest-fashionedest  critter  she  ever  did  see.  That  riled  me, 
Mrs.  Lemon,  and  when  I  came  to  consider  on't  I  made  up  my 
mind  that,  come  what  would,  I'd  show  'em  I  could  be  in  fashion 
tu. 

That  day  I  looked  at  Mirandy's  eldest  gal,  and  took  perticke- 
ler  notice  what  she  stuck  on.  Fust,  she  had  a  tight  jacket,  with 
a  short  tail,  and  then  her  dress  was  festooned  up,  and  under  she 
had  a  striped  petticoat,  and  a  pair  o'  boy's  boots,  and  a  boy's 
hat,  with  a  vail  tu  one  side,  and  her  hair  was  fixed  roundetv 
towndety,  as  slick  as  you  please,  I  thought  I  would  ask  one 
question. 

"Em'ly,"  says  I,  "what  do  you  call  that  way  o'  doin'  hair?" 

"A  coil,"  says  she. 

"Lor' !"  says  I,    "what  a  lot  o'  hair  you  must  hev !" 

"Oh,"  says  she,  "it's  around  suthin',  you  know.  No  mortal 
hair  could  make  one  as  big  as  this  without. " 

Well,  I'd  got  what  I  wanted  to  about  the  hair,  and  I  could 
see  the  rest,  and  next  Sunday  I  made  up  my  mind  to  be  in  the 
fashion,  and  do  it  cheap,  tu.  I  ain't  goin'  to  spend  all  creation 
— leave  that  for  Mirandy.  If  underskirts  with  stripes  in  'em 
was  stylish,  I  could  cut  off  a  striped  one  I  had,  and  I  could  pin 
up  my  frock,  .tu. 

That  arternoon  I  went  out  to  make  the  other  purchases.  I 
got  the  boy's  hat  in  the  Bowery,  and  the  boots  at  a  little  cob- 
bler's up  town  aways,  and  the  bologny  at  a  butcher's  shop,  of 
course.  What  is  a  bologny  ?  Why,  one  o'  them  bologny  saus- 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  97 

ages,  smoked,  you  know.  I  could  see  as  plain  as  daylight  that 
one  o'  them,  or  somethin'  for  all  the  world  like  it,  was  what 
Em'ly  had  under  her  coil.  I  was  goin'  to  hev  a  coil,  tu. 

I  went  hum  and  locked  myself  into  my  room.  I  had  one  o' 
them  long  vails  they  used  to  wear  fifteen  or  twenty  years  ago. 
and  that  I  tacked  on  tu  one  side  o'  the  boy's  hat,  and  then  I  tuk 
the  feather  out  o'  my  bunnit,  and  put  that  in ;  and  then  I  cut 
off  my  striped  skirt  and  hemmed  it  for  a  balmoral.  I  couldn't 
get  used  to  the  boots,  but  if  they  was  fashionable  I  was  bound 
to  wear  'em.  I  had  a  tight  jacket,  tu — one  I  used  to  wear  in- 
doors ;  and  I  sot  tu  and  put  fringe  on  that.  And  then  I  waited 
for  Sunday.  The  worst  time  I  had  was  gettin'  the  bologny  soft. 
It  was  as  stiff  as  a  wire  at  first.  Bimeby,  though,  I  got  it  sos't 
'would  twist. 

Mirandy's  folks  go  to  a  splendid  church  in  Broadway,  where 
the  folks  take  mighty  airs,  I  can  tell  you ;  and  that  mornin'  I  let 
'em  go  first.  Then  I  sot  tu  work  and  dressed.  My  hair  always 
has  been  heavy,  and  it  covered  the  bologny  up  right  smart. 
Law,  what  a  crick  in  the  neck  it  gave  me,  though ;  and  how 
cold  I  felt  without  my  cap  and  my  ears  all  bare.  Then  I  stuck 
on  the  boy's  boots,  and  pinned  up  my  frock,  and  stuck  the  hat 
on,  and  took  one  of  my  biggest  pocket  handkerchiefs  by  the 
middle  along  of  my  best  numberill  handle — and  if  I  wasn't  fash- 
ionable at  last,  'twasn't  my  fault. 

Folks  did  stare  at  me  as  I  went  down  street ;  but  law,  I  stared 
back,  and  when  I  cum  to  the  church  they  were  howlin'  away  in- 
side for  dear  life.  They  don't  sing  altogether,  like  they  ought 


98  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

tu,  but  one  young  woman  goes  away  ahead,  with  a  shriek  like 
a  steam-engine,  and  a  man  (I  judge  by  his  voice,  for  it's  all  down 
in  his  stomach)  comes  after  her  two  words  and  two  notes  be- 
hind, as  if  he  was  a  passenger  tryin'  to  catch  up  to  the  train  and 
couldn't;  and  the  rest  don't  seem  to  be  very  particular  about 
anything  but  not  pronouncing  their  words  plain.  Em'ly  and 
Mirandy  say  it's  splendid ;  for  my  part,  I  should  think  there'd 
be  a  judgment  on  'em  for  not  lettin'  the  congregation  jine  in. 

Well,  they  was  singin'  when  I  went  in,  and  I  went  up  the 
aisle  after  a  very  nice  young  man,  that's  took  such  a  notion  to 
me  he  always  gets  me  a  seat.  Couldn't  see,  for  my  part,  what 
folks  grinned  for  so.  I  wasn't  the  only  one  cum  in  late. 

He  took  me  to  Mirandy's  pew.  She  was  asleep,  and  Em'ly 
was  lookin'  at  the  young  men;  but  when  I  whispered  "shove 
up,  and  lemme  in,"  they  both  looked  at  me.  And  how  they 
looked. 

"Ah,"  says  I,  in  a  whisper,  you  see  I  kin  be  fashionable,  too, 
if  I  like — the  coil  was  the  hardest ;  but  I'm  goin'  to  wear  it 
reg'lar  now." 

They  didn't  say  nothin',  but  they  looked  very  curious. 
Seemed  if  Mirandy  was  going  to  faint. 

Says  I :   "Ain't  you  well?" 

Says  she,  in  a  whisper:  "Go  home;  don't  stay  here  no 
longer." 

Says  I :   "Why?" 

"Don't  you  see  the  people?"  says  she.  And  they  were  all 
grinning. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  99 

•'  I  ain't  got  nothin'  black  on  my  face,  have  I  ?"  says  I ;  and 
just  then  I  felt  suthin'  cold  on  my  neck — for  all  the  world  like 
a  snake. 

"Ugh,"  says  I,  and  puts  up  my  hand  ;  and  law  the  hair  had 
got  loose,  and  the  coil  was  comin'  down,  and  there  was  the  bo- 
logny  slippin'  lower  and  lower. 

"Stick  it  up  for  me,  Em'ly,"  says  I ;  but  she  didn't  budge. 
And  next  minute,  bang  came  my  bologny,  and  my  back  comb, 
and  the  hat,  and  feather,  and  vail  into  the  middle  aisle. 

There  wasn't  no  need  o'  askin'  me  to  go  home  then.  I  jest 
ran,  leavin'  'em  where  they  was.  When  I  got  out,  I  put  my 
handkercher  over  my  head  and  cut  home. 

Mirandy  and  Em'ly  came  home  in  the  carriage  arter  awhile, 
and  begun  to  have  high-strikers.  Seein'  that  was  the  thing,  I 
sat  tu  and  helped  'em,  and  that  brought  'em  tu.  Then  it  come 
out  that  I'd  done  wrong  altogether. 

'Stead  o'  getttin'  boys'  boots,  I'd  orter  got  "Polish  boots, '» 
and  'stead  o'  havin'  a  boy's  hat,  I  orter  had  a  ' '  Derby. "  And 
my  basque  wasn't  the  thing  neither,  and  the  bologny  was  worst 
of  all. 

They  don't  wear  bolognys,  but  a  kind  o'  thing  made  of  nig- 
ger's wool  on  wires. 

"Anyway,"  says  Mirandy,  "you'd  orter  dress  suitable  tu 
your  age,  if  you'd  had  the  best  things  tu  be  bought. " 

"How's  that ?"  says  I. 

"Like  me,"  says  she. 

Says  I :   "I  hev  dressed  that  way  all  along." 


ioo  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

Says  she:  "It's  plain  you  don't  understand  the  fashions, 
Charity." 

And  between  you  and  me,  I  reckon  I  don't ;  not  York  fash- 
ions, any  way,  and  what's  more,  I  don't  wan't  to. 

But,  upon  my  word,  Mrs.  Lemon,  the  boy's  hat  and  the 
Derby,  and  the  boots  I  had,  and  them  Em'ly  had,  didn't  look 
any  different  to  me.  And  as  for  the  bologny,  if  it  hadn't  come 
out,  it  was  the  slickest 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  101 


NUMBER  THIRTEEN. 

CHARITY     GRINDER      IS     POISONED. 

How  am  I  ?  Wai,  I'm  alive,  and  the  only  wonder  is  I  ain't 
here  to  invite  ye  to  my  funeral  ?  Been  sick  ?  Why,  lawful 
suz !  I've  been  nearer  dead  than  I  ever  was  before.  I've  been 
pisoned  !  I  ain't  over  it  yet  Jest  put  the  rocking-cheer  before 
the  fire  and  give  me  a  footstool,  and  any  kind  of  a  piece  of  cake 
and  a  glass  of  wine  you've  got  handy,  and  I'll  tell  you  all  about 
it.  You  see  I've  been  so  shook  that  I  always  feel  a  kind  o' 
empty  gnawing  tu  the  pit  o'  my  stomach  at  twelve  o'clock,  un- 
less I  hev  somethin'  tu  eat.  I  don't  keer  for  no  solid  lunch ; 
some  cold  ham  or  chicken,  or  a  few  biscuit,  will  du  me  until 
dinner.  And  don't  make  no  fuss  over  dinner  for  me;  ef  I  hev 
roast  beef  and  two  kinds  o'  vegetables,  and  some  kind  o'  pud- 
din'  for  dessert,  I'm  perfectly  contented,  and  allers  have  been. 

Yes,  Evelina,  I  hev  been  pisoned — so's  all  the  Lowerys,  the 
hull  bilin'  of  'em ;  and  somebody'chorter  to  be  hung  for  it — who, 
I  can't  say,  but  I  lay  it  tu  the  nigger.  You  see  they've  got  one, 
a  Freedman  young  woman,  from  down  South,  black  as  the  han- 
dle o'  that  numberill,  and  jest  as  sarcy  as  she  kin  live  and  be. 
I've  tried  help  o'  all  kinds — Irish,  and  Dutch,  and  Americans— 


loz  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

and  I'll  say  this:  though  they're  all  pests,  I  wouldn't  hev  a 
Freedman  young  woman  in  the  place  o'  the  worst  on  'em. 

I've  allers  had  a  kind  o'  dread  that  them  black  critters  would 
pison  ye  ef  they  got  mad ;  but,  land  alive !  when  I  axed  Miss 
Lowery  whether  she  warn't,  says  she  : 

' '  No,  ma'am.  The  oppressed  race  is  vilely  slandered.  The 
best  indiwiduals  I  ever  encountered  had  black  skins. " 

"Du  tell!"  says  I.  "You  think  they're  as  good  as  white 
folks,  then,  du  you  ?" 

Says  she,  "Better,  ef  anything,  Miss  Grinder,"  and  Mr. 
Lowery  he  speaks  up,  and  says  he : 

' '  Far  better.  It  is  my  opinion  that  they  are  destined  some 
day  to  be  the  rulers  of  this  land. " 

I  didn't  make  no  answer.  'Twarn't  no  use.  I  allers  knowed 
the  Lowerys  was  abolitionists,  and  I  didn't  want  to  quarrel  with 
'em.  However  I  watched  the  Freedman  young  woman  purty 
sharp,  and  took  good  care  to  lock  my  door  when  I  went  to  bed 
nights,  and  I'd  staid  there  a  week  afore  anything  happened. 
Then  I  found  her  in  my  room  washin'  her  face  with  my  old  cas- 
tile  soap.  I  don't  never  use  the  nasty  common  soap  these  here 
city  folks  hev,  and  the  night  before  I'd  happened  tu  been  talkin, 
to  Miss  Lowery. 

Says  I,  ' '  Why,  I  lay  my  skin  bein'  so  good  entirely  to  that 
soap.  Travelin'  'round  as  I  hev  this  summer,  I'd  hev  been  as 
black  as  that  gal  with  freckles  ef  I  hadn't  used  it.  You  see 
there's  iron  into  it,  and  that's  good  for  freckles." 

Well,  it  seems  the  Freedman  young  woman  heerd  me,  and 


THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS.  103 

next  day  I  found  her  scourin'  herself  before  the  glass.     Minute 
I  caught  her  down  she  went  on  her  knees,  and  says  she  : 

"Oh,  please  don't  tell  on  me  !  please  don't,  old  missus !" 

Says  I,  "Land  alive!  'Twouldn't  be  no  use  to  tell,  consid- 
erin'  the  Lowerys  wouldn't  tech  ye  if  ye  was  to  murder  me. 
But  what  possessed  ye  to  take  that  soap  when  there  was  lots  o 
brown  down  stairs?" 

Says  she,  "I  heerd  you  say  you'd  been  as  black  as  me  efyou 
hadn't  used  it,  and  I  thort  mebbe  ef  I  did  I'd  come  white. " 

I  couldn't  help  larfin. 

"Land  o'  Goshen !"  says  I.  "It'll  take  more'n  soap  to  get 
you  white,  and  ef  you  tech  this  agin  I'll  take  my  shoe  to  you," 
and  I  locked  the  door  on  her ;  and  for  fear  she  might  meddle 
agin,  I  went  and  wrapped  my  soap  up  in  paper  and  stuck  it  in 
my  buzzum,  arter  I'd  washed  it  well,  of  course. 

When  I  went  down  stairs  I  found  Miss  Lowery  down  in  the 
kitchen,  makin'  cake.  She  was  dreadful  busy,  and  I  set  to  and 
helped  her.  I'm  a  master-hand  for  gingerbread,  and  this  one  I 
made  riz  up  light  and  brown  and  as  handsome  as  a  pictur. 

"We'll  hev  that  warm  for  tea,"  says  Miss  Lowery.  "Ginger- 
cake  is  good  warm. " 

And  she  praised  it  tu  the  skies,  as  well  she  might,  for  it  beat 
hers  all  holler.  Then  I  went  up  stairs  agin  tu  wash  my  hands, 
and  made  sure  to  find  the  soap  in  my  buzzum ;  but,  land-alive, 
'twarnt  there  !  I  run  down  agin  and  looked,  but  I  couldn't  find 
it;  and  I  knowed  for  sartin  the  Freedman  young  woman  had 
got  it  somehow,  so  I  marched  up  to  her,  and  sez  I : 


104  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Now,  Hanner," — that's  her  name — "I  jist  want  that  soap 
back  agin. " 

' '  I  ain't  got  no  soap,  missus, "  sez  she. 

Sez  I,    "You  hev." 

And  jist  then  Mrs.  Lowery  came  in,  and  I  told  her  the  hull 
story. 

"She's  got  it  agin,"  sez  I. 

And  what  d'ye  s'pose  Mrs.  Lowery  sez  ? 

She  ups  with  her  hands  and  she  rolls  her  eyes,  and  sez  she  : 

"Oh,  Hanner,  Hanner!  fur  shame  fur  tu  try  tu  wash  away 
that  badge  o'  honor,  a  black  skin — you'd  orter  glory  in  it !" 

Sez  Hanner,    "I'd  ruther  be  a  white  lady,  please  'm." 

Sez  she,  "That's  because  you've  been  kept  in  ignorance, 
Hanner.  No,  Miss  Grinder,  Hanner  is  above  stealin'  your 
soap. " 

"Heaps  above  it,  ole  missus,"  sez  Hanner. 

Sez  I,    "Say  old  missus  to  a  young  lady  agin  if  you  durst !" 

And  away  I  marched,  and  didn't  come  down  until  tea  time, 
for  I  felt  sure  she'd  got  the  soap,  and  I  was  mad  at  Miss  Lowery 
for  not  believing  it. 

When  the  bell  rung,  down  I  came,  though,  and  fust  thing  I 
seen  was  my  ginger-cake  on  a  plate. 

"That's  Miss  Grinder's  makeo'  ginger-cake,"  sez  Miss  Low- 
ery, "and  I  know  it's  nice." 

She's  real  good-natured,  Miss  Lowery  is,  fur  I  allers  give 
everybody  their  due. 

Well,  arter  we'd  eat  our  bread  and  butter  and  cold  meat,  she 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  105 

begun  passin'  around  plum  sass  and  ginger-cake,  and  we  all  had 
a  good-sized  slice.  They  don't  shave  cake  like  chipped  beef  tu 
Miss  Lowery's,  as  most  Yorkers  du. 

The  Freedman  young  woman  was  tu  the  table.  Miss  Lowery 
don't  consider  color  no  objection,  and  I  noticed  she  didn't  eat 
the  cake  very  hearty.  For  that  matter  I  didn't  myself — seemed 
tu  me  it  had  a  curus  taste.  Purty  soon  one  o'  the  young  us — 
I'd  noticed  he'd  eat  most — begun  to  yell. 

"What's  the  matter,  pet?"  sez  his  ma. 

"Tummick  ake,"  sez  he. 

He  can't  but  jist  talk,  and  before  he'd  said  it,  Miss  Lowery 
turned  the  color  o'  chalk  and  rushed  out  o'  the  room. 

That  commeced  it,  and  in  ten  minutes  the  hull  of  us  was  an 
sick  as  if  we'd  been  tu  the  middle  of  the  oshin  in  a  storm. 

"We're  pisoned!"  sez  I,  the  minute  I  could  find  breath  tu 
speak.  "There  ain't  a  doubt  on't,  Miss  Lowery !" 

Sez  she,  "I  know  it,  Miss  Grinder,  and  I've  sent  for  the  doc- 
tor. For  a  wonder,  poor  Hanner  ain't  sick. " 

' '  Wonder  ?"  says  I.  ' '  No,  Miss  Lowery,  it  ain't  no  wonder, 
for  she's  pisoned  me.  She  was  forever  pokin'  her  nose  into  that 
cake  while  I  was  makin'  it,  and  she's  done  it " 

"It's  all  your  prejudice,"  says  Miss  Lowery.  But  she  hadn't 
time  to  say  much,  for  she  turned  worse  just  then,  and  by  the 
time  the  doctor  came  the  house  looked  like  a  hospital.  Some 
was  on  sofys,  and  some  on  the  floor,  and  I  was  in  a  big  arm- 
cheer. 

The  minute  I  saw  him  I  screeched  out : 


io6  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

"We're  pisoned,  doctor,  and  the  Freedman  3roung  woman 
did  it_  With  my  dyin'  breath  I  insist  on  havin'  her  hung. " 

"It's — pre — ju — dice,"  gasps  Miss  Lower}-. 

The  doctor  didn't  say  nothin',  but  he  looked  at  our  tongues, 
and  felt  our  pulses,  and  says  he  : 

' '  There's  every  symptom  of  poisoning  by  prussic  acid, " 

"I  know  it,"  says  L      "How  long  will  I  live  ?'' 

Says  he,    ' '  Oh,  we'll  have  you  well  again ;  don't  be  agitated. " 

Says  I,  "Agitated!  Why,  what  du  ye  expect  ?  Don't  I  know 
symptoms  is  allers  fatal.  When  a  body  comes  tu  symptoms  it's 
time  tu  gin  up. " 

"Tut,  tut,"  says  he,  "nonsense,  nonsense.  I'll  prepare  a 
nannygoat " 

Must  hev  said  antidote,  hey?  Well,  I  ain't  sure.  I  was  so 
discomfusticated — he  mought 

Says  I,  "Nannygoats  nor  nuthin' won't  help;  but  before  I 
die  o'  these  symptoms,  I  want  that  Freedman  young  woman 
hung. " 

Says  he,  "She  can't  escape  punishment;  but  I  sha'n't  let  you 
die." 

He  looked  awfully  discomfited,  though  I  knowed  by  his 
phyzmahogany  he'd  give  us  up.  By  this  time  t'other  doctor  that 
he  sent  for,  it  seems,  arrived,  and  he  sot  up  his  opinion  that  the 
symptoms  was  arsenic ;  and  then  another  came,  and  his  belief 
was  strychnine.  When  I  heerd  that,  and  heerd  him  say  that 
you  expired  with  it  instantaneous,  slap  dab,  the  minute  it  got 
intu  your  stomach,  I  felt  there  wasn't  no  hope.  Meanwhile 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  107 

they  went  to  work  dosin'  us,  and  each  one  dosed  his  patient  for 
what  he  thought  it  was,  and  they  looked  like  tiger-cats  at  each 
other ;  and  one  of  'em  says,  "Gross  malpractrice ;  and  another, 
"Abominable  ignorance;"  and  the  youngest,  "Absurd  old 
fogyism. " 

You're  sure  about  nannygoats  ?  I  know  what  he  give  me  was 
nasty  enough  to  be  anything. 

Well,  we  was  all  at  the  pint  o'  death,  when  some  o'  the  neigh- 
bors, that  had  been  called  in  by  the  news,  came  intu  the  parlor. 
Among  'em  was  an  old  lady  by  the  name  o'  Perkins,  and  the 
minute  she  came,  she  looks  at  us,  and  then  at  the  tea-table,  and 
says  she : 

"What  hev  ye  been  eatin',  Miss  Lowery?" 

Says  I,  "'Twas  in  the  ginger-cake  (Miss  Lowery  couldn't 
speak).  I  tasted  suthin'  suspicious,  and  the  Freedman  young 
woman  did  it " 

' '  Don't  be  tu  sure, "  says  she,  ' '  it  may  be  accident ;  we  ought 
not  tu  bear  false  witness  agin  our  neighbors, "  and  she  goes  to 
the  table. 

She  cuts  the  cake  and  smells  it,  and  tastes  it,  and  spits  it  out  ; 
and  says  she : 

"Tis  in  the  cake,  sure  enough.  But  ye  needn't  be  afeerd  o' 
dyin'.  It's  soap  as  plain  as  daylight  Look-a'-here,  doctor,  if 
'tain't  soap  I'm  a  baby. "  !, 

Well,  the  doctor  went  and  smelt,  and  tasted,  and  the  rest  done 
the  same,  and  finally  they  made  up  their  minds  it  was  soap,  and 
come  to  cut  it  up,  there  was  my  piece  of  pink  pin  paper  with  a 


io8  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

bit  o'  melted  soap  in  it  yet,  right  in  the  middle.  I  s'pose  it  had 
fell  out  o'  my  buzzum  while  I  was  mixin'  the  cake. 

Them  that  wasn't  sick  begun  to  laugh  then,  and  them  that 
was  sick  begun  to  get  better,  and  we're  all  alive  tu  this  day. 
But  for  all  that,  I  think  the  Freedman  young  woman  ought  tu 
be  hung ;  for  though  the  soap  was  there,  there  must  hev  been 
pison  tu,  for  the  three  doctors  all  said  we  had  symptoms,  and 
symptoms  can't  be  fetched  on  by  common  soap.  Miss  Lowery 
sticks  tu  it  how't  was  nuthin'  but  soap ;  so  does  he.  But  when 
I  gets  tu  jawin',  I  always  says : 

"Look  here,  Mr.  Lowery,  them  medical  gentlemen  says  we 
had  symptoms,  and  only  differed  as  tu  whether  they  was  prussic 
acid,  or  strychnine,  or  arsenic  ;  and  as  you  haven't  got  a  diplo- 
my  as  I  knows  on,  I  don't  think  you've  any  right  to  know 
more'n  doctors." 

He  allus  stops  jawin'  then,  fur  he  knows  I'm  right  But  he 
won't  own  it ;  men  never  won't 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  109 


NUMBER   FOURTEEN. 

CHARITY  VISITS   THE    HOPKINS    BARKERS. 

Miss  Scribbles  to  hum?  Hain't,  hey?  Why,  what  a  ever- 
lastin'  fib  !  I  see  her  peekin'  over  the  hand-rail. 

How  de  du,  Partheny?  Reckon  you  didn't  expect  to  see  me. 
Here's  your  gal  sayin'  you  ain't  tu  hum. 

Land  o'  liberty !  what  a  time  I've  bed  tu  find  ye.  York  folks 
is  the  greatest  hands  for  never  knowin'  nobody.  I  went  intu  the 
groceryman  and  axed  him  did  he  know  a  writerman  by  the  name 
o'  Scribbles.  Hed  a  wife  with  red  hair  and  a  awful  humbly  face, 
and  was  kinder  scraggy.  Thought  to  be  sure  they'd  know  ye, 
seein'  writin'  is  sech  a  poor  business  and  you'd  be  apt  tu  owe 
'em  suthin'.  But  they  didn't.  Shouldn't  ha'  got  here  as  I 
knows  of  ef  it  hadn't  a  bin  for  this  here  good  little  boy.  Give 
him  tenpence  for  fetchin'  me,  Partheny ;  I  told  him  how't  you 
would.  I  thought  he  must  be  yourn  at  fust,  on  account  o'  his 
bustin'  out  tu  the  knees  and  elbers. 

Why  should  your  children  be  ragged  ?  Why,  ye  needn't  fire 
up  so !  It's  a  awful  thing  tu  hev  a  bad  temper.  Ye  know 
writin'  folks  like  Mr.  Scribbles  don't  never  make  no  money. 


i  io  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Up  tu  Peekskill  they've  got  a  story  round  how't  he  don't  do 
nuthin'  but  loaf,  and  you  take  in  washin'. 

Instead  o'  that,  Mr.  Scribbles  has  a  little  property,  and  you 
keep  plenty  o'  help,  eh  ?  Wai,  ye  needn't  flare  up,  and  stick  up 
yer  nose  about  that,  'cause  it  would  be  a  heap  more  credit  tu  ye 
tu  du  yer  own  work.  A  married  wimmen's  place  is  in  the  kitch- 
ing. 

Wai,  it's  a  good  thing  Mr.  Scribbles  hed  a  little  property. 

'Twas  a  reg'lar  blow  tu  me  when  I  heerd  who  you  was  mar- 
ried tu.  I  allers  sot  a  heap  on  you. 

Sez  I,    "Who's  Partheny  married,  Miss  Mankles?" 

Your  ma  perks  up,  and  sez  she : 

"A genus,  Charity." 

' '  A  who  /'  sez  I. 

"A  genus.     One  o'  these  here  book  writers,"  sez  she. 

"Land  o'  Goshen !"  sez  I,  "I'd  a  heap  ruther  hearn  'twas  a 
chimbly  sweep,  'cause  he'd  a  earnt  his  breaktwist  afore  he  swol- 
lered  it " 

Yes,  du  take  my  bunnit  and  shawl,  and  don't  put  'em  down 
in  the  dirt  and  dust.  I'm  mighty  keerful  o'  my  things ;  and  if 
you  kin  get  me  a  little  o'  the  best  brandy,  and  some  hot  water 
and  sugar,  p'raps  I  sha'n't  faint. 

What  ails  me?  Why,  I've  had  the  awfulest  turn  you  ever 
knowed.  It's  a  marsy  I  ain't  a  crowner's  inquest  at  this  identi- 
cal minute.  I'm  goin'  tu  write  tu  Jonathan  tu  see  ef  I  can't 
hev  the  law  of  the  Hopkins  Barkers.  Never  was  so  ill-used  be- 
fore. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  in 

You  see,  she's  one  o'  Betsy  Jane  Griffin's  darters,  and  she  was 
married  a  spell  ago  tu  Hopkins  Barker. 

Allers  promised  I'd  go  and  see  'em,  but  didn't  till  last  week. 
Then  I  packed  up  and  started,  and  got  there  about  dusk. 

She  was  overjoyed  tu  see  me,  but  arter  tea  him  and  her  had 
tu  go  out  on  account  o'  a  neighbor's  child  dyin',  and  they  bein' 
expected  tu  come. 

Well,  of  course  I  was  all  alone  in  the  house,  for  the  gal  was 
gone  out,  tu,  and  I  hadn't  nothin'  much  tu  amuse  myself  with, 
so  I  thought  I'd  see  what  she  had. 

I  ain't  one  o'  them  people  that's  allers  pryin'  intu  other  folks' 
affairs.  Them  I  abominate  ;  but  I  like  naturally  to  know  what 
folks  hev. 

Fust  off  I  looked  intu  her  wardrobe  closet  and  bureau  draw- 
ers. 

She  hain't  had  but  one  silk  frock  since  she  was  married,  that's 
sartin.  But  her  underclothes  is  the  heft  of  'em  worked.  She's 
got  a  green  merino,  tu,  that's  purty  good,  and  a  yaller  brown 
delain  jest  made  up. 

He  was  amazin'  well  off  fer  collars  and  cravats,  and  they've 
got  no  end  o'  gloves. 

I  had  every  livin'  thing  out  and  looked  at  it,  and  still  'twern't 
seven  o'clock. 

I  didn't  know  what  tu  du  with  myself,  and  so  when  I  had  got 
through  up  there  I  went  down  tu  see  ef  Hopkins  Barker  was  a 
good  provider. 


ii2  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

How  was  I  goin'  tu  find  that  out  ?  Why,  by  lookin'  at  the 
pantries. 

Wall,  I'll  say  fur  him,  fur  a  young  man  he  does  purty  well. 
The  jellies,  and  presarves,  and  pickles  was  interestiner  than 
usual.  I'd  got  the  jars  counted,  and  was  up  on  a  barrel  tu  the 
further  eend,  a  lookin'  at  som'e  hams,  when  I  hears  a  key  in  the 
front  basement  door,  and  I  knowed  some  one  was  a  comin'.  In 
a  minute  I  see  how  'twas  the  help.  Now  gals  o'  that  kind  is  so 
narrer-minded  she  might  a  thought  I  was  meddlin'  with  Miss 
Hopkins  Barker's  things,  so  sez  I  tu  myself,  ' '  I  ain't  goin'  tu 
let  her  see  me,"  and  I  blowedmy  light  out  and  stood  flat  agin 
the  wall  on  the  barrel.  'Twas  easy  tu  du  that,  'cause  I  hadn't 
got  no  hoops  on,  and  was  in  my  dimity  wrapper  and  slippers,  tu 
be  comfortable. 

I  expected  the  help  would  streak  up  stairs  tu  bed  straight  off, 
but,  land  o'  liberty !  she  didn't  She  walks  in,  hollerin'  to 
some  one  behind. 

"Come  in,  Pat;  the  missus  and  masther  is  both  out  for  the 
avenin',  I  know." 

And  in  walks  a  great  Irishman,  with  a  big  stick  under  his 
arm. 

"May  Saint  Father  kape  'em  out,"  sez  he,  and  then,  true  as 
my  name  is  Charity  Grinder,  he  put  his  arms  around  her  waist 
and  kissed  her ! 

The  idee  o'  a  respectable  help  allowin'  herself  tu  be  kissed  1 
But  the  hull  world  is  goin'  backwards  intu  wickedness,  like 
Uncle  Pratt's  wagon  backed  off  intu  the  mill  crick !  When  I 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  113 

was  young  no  gal  never  allowed  no  feller  tu  kiss  her — leastways 
none  never  durst  attempt  it  tu  me.  Thinks  me,  ' '  Jest  you  wait, 
that's  all.  You'll  hear  of  this. " 

But  I  tell  you  'twas  gettin'  mighty  cold  in  the  kitching  pantry. 
You  see  I'd  took  off  my  gownd  and  had  on  my  nightgownd  and 
a  pair  o'  slippers.  'Twas  a  caution,  the  way  I  shivered. 

Bimeby  they  got  talkin'  of  her  missus,  and  she  told  what  a 
temper  she  had,  and  how  she  locked  up  things. 

"No  such  thing  as  a  poor  gal  gettin'  a  bit  o'  cake  for  lunch," 
sezshe,  "without  it's  give  out  But  I  wish  ye'd  been  here,  Pat, 
yestherday,  for  I  laid  the  best  half  of  a  chicken  to  the  cat,  the 
while  it  was  hid  undher  me  bed,  for  a  bit  o'  supper.  There's 
nothin'  for  ye  now  but  some  cowld  mutton. " 

"That'll  be  wilcome,"  sez  he,  and  she  went  down  cellar  and 
fetched  it  up. 

Then  sez  she,  "I'll  get  ye  a  pickle,"  and  into  the  pantry  she 
walks. 

I  stood  flat  against  the  wall,  hopin'  how't  she  wouldn't  see  me  ; 
but,  land  o'  liberty !  the  next  minute  she  looked  u  and  gin  a 
awful  howl,  and  rushed  out  and  banged  the  door. 

"What's  the  matther,  honey?"  sez  the  man. 

Sez  she,    ' '  Och,  there's  a  ghost  in  it,  tin  feet  high. " 

I  had  my  nightgownd  on,  and  I  hain't  a  doubt  but  what  I  did 
look  ethereal.  'Tain't  tu  be  wondered  at  the  gal  took  me  for  a 
spook. 

"A  ghost,  is  it?"  sez  he,  and  open  he  pulls  the  door. 

"  Howly  murther,  it  is  !"  sez  he,  and  with  that  out  he  pulls  a 


ii4  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

pistol,  and  ef  I  live  tu  the  age  o'  old  Hale  I  sha'n't  never  forget 
my  sensations. 

"Don't!"  I  hollered,    "I'm  Miss  Charity  Grinder!" 

Sez  he,  "It's  spakin'  to  me  !  Say  a  bit  iv  an  ave  fur  me, 
Biddy  darlint,  or  I'm  lost !"  and  bang,  bang,  bang  went  the 
pistol. 

I  yelled  each  time,  but  that  didn't  do  no  good.  The  more  I 
screeched  the  more  he  shot  his  pistol ;  and  the  more  I  said 
"I'm  Miss  Charity  Grinder,"  the  more  he  considered  how  'twas 
a  spook  from  t'other  place  addressin'  him. 

I  lifted  up  first  one  foot  and  then  t'other,  and  I  scrouched 
down,  and  I  leaned  over,  and  I  couldn't  budge  one  way  nor 
t'other  fur  fear  o'  tumblin'  off  the  barril ;  and  whenever  I  hear 
anybody  braggin'  like  old  Miss  Scotchcake  does,  how't  their 
boys  is  "good  shots,"  I'll  tell'em  they  wouldn't  be  so  glad  if 
they'd  ever  been  a  target  like  me  that  night.  The  best  thing 
pistols  kin  du,  is  not  tu  hit  the  mark. 

Well,  the  help,  she'd  run  down  to  the  grocery  man's,  and 
cum  back  with  him  and  his  big  dog ;  and  he  was  just  as  Dutch 
as  anybody  ever  I  see — couldn't  speak  a  word  a  Christian  could 
understand ;  and  when  he  was  told  'twas  spooks,  nat'rally  he 
thought  that  was  American  for  robbers.  Fust  he  said  : 

"Oh,  mien  Got,  so  much  droubles  for  Miss  Barker." 

Then  he  sot  his  dog  on  in  Dutch,  and  then  he  run  for  more 
help. 

The  dog,  he  come  clear  down  tu  the  eend  o'  the  long  pantry. 
It  was  a  good  long  one,  with  a  windy  in  it,  as  big  as  some  places 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  115 

York  folks  calls  rooms,  and  there  he  jumped  up  ontu  the  barril 
with  his  fore  paws,  and  barked  and  bit  at  my  ankles.  Wonder 
I  didn't  guv  up  the  spook.  I  was  near  about  skeered  to  death. 
He  was  barkin'  and  Biddy  screamin',  and  Pat  beatin'  on  the 
door  with  his  stick,  when  in  came  a  couple  o'  neighbors. 

One  was  a  little  short  old  man,  and  one  a  tall  young  'un. 
You  see,  I  could  see  out,  'cause  the  kitching  was  light,  and  they 
couldn't  see  in,  'cause  the  pantry  store-closet  was  dark. 

Sez  the  old  gentleman  : 

"How now — what's  the  matter?" 

"It's  a  ghost!"  sez  Biddy. 

"Tut,  tut,"  sez  the  old  gentleman. 

"  Thrue  for  ye,"  sez  Pat.  "  I  seen  the  face,  and  it's  the  divil, 
more  betoken  three  shots  went  clane  threw  him  widout  hurtin'  a 
hair. " 

"Nonsense,  nonsense,"  sez  the  young  gentleman.  "The 
devil  don't  hide  in  pantries.  It's  a  housebreaker. " 

"  Thin  we'll  all  be  murthered  in  our  gory  beds,"  sez  Biddy, 
banging  the  door  tight  on  me  and  the  dog. 

The  dog  barked  and  I  screamed. 

"Oh,  lemme  out !  I'm  the  wretched  victim  o'  a  most  drefful 
mistake  !  I'm  Charity  Grinder  o'  Peekskill." 

But  they  didn't  hear  me  for  the  noise. 

Purty  soon  the  young  man  peeks  in. 

"The  burgulars  is  a  hidin'  tu  the  further  eend,"  sez  I. 

"  How  many  on  'em,  Lawyer  Trats?"  sez  the  old  gentleman. 

"Near  as  I  can  see,  two,"  sez  he.      "Look  yourself  doctor." 


1 16  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Doctor  he  looks. 

"I  see  four  !"  sez  he. 

"We  can't  cope  with  'em,"  says  Lawyer  Trats.  "We  must 
barrycade  the  door  and  send  for  a  possy  o'  perlice.  Fetch  'em, 
Bridget." 

And  then  I  heerd  'em  pilin'  up  the  kitching  table  and  refrig- 
erator, and  cookin'  stove  and  things  agin  the  door. 

"Did  you  notice  whether  they  was  armed?"  sez  the  lawyer. 

"Yes,"  sez  the  lawyer.  "  I  think  I  observed  a  double-bar- 
reled gun  in  one  o'  their  hands. " 

Purty  soon  there  was  an  awful  trampin'  that  I  reckoned  was 
the  possy  a  comin',  and  sure  enough  I  heerd  the  lawyer  say  : 

' '  Do  yer  know  you  hain't  done  yer  dooty  in  this  here  case, 
perlicemen  ?  Here's  a  citizen's  home  invaded  by  a  gang  o'  bur- 
gulars,  and  none  o'  you  on  hand  for  a  hour  or  more.  It's  a  case 
o'  deriflection  from  dooty." 

"Nun  o'  yer  sass,  young  man,"  sez  one  perlice.  "Tend  to 
the  subjec',  for  our  time's  precious.  Where's  the  burglars  ?" 

' '  In  the  store-closet, "  sez  the  doctor.  ' '  We've  had  a  conflict, 
but  succeeded  in  imprisonin'  'em.  The  dog  is  on  guard  inside. 

"Yah,  yah,"  sez  the -Dutchman.      "Good  tog." 

"How  many  on  'em  air  they,"  sez  a  perlice. 

"Three,"  sez  Lawyer  Trats. 

"  Four,"  sez  the  doctor. 

"So  many  ash  den,"  sez  the  Dutcnman. 

"Form  in  ranks,"  sez  the  perlice.     "Clubs  out.     Don't  use 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  117 

yer  weppins  until  the  last  minnit,  but  hev  'em  ready  for  imme- 
diate use. " 

I  heerd  every  word,  and  I  screeched  and  danced  up  and  down 
on  the  barril,  and  in  a  minnit  in  went  the  head  and  me  and  my 
ruffled  dimity  nightgownd  and  the  kerosene  ile  lamp  intu  as  full 
a  barril  o'  pickled  pork  as  ever  was  put  up. 

' '  Murder  1"  sez  I.  ' '  Bow-wow, "  sez  the  dog,  and  in  marches 
the  perlice,  and  out  they  drags  me,  drippin'. 

"It  is  a  ghost,"  sez  Biddy.  "  It's  thedivil,"  sez  Pat.  "Has 
nobody  got  a  bit  of  a  howly-bone  or  the  like  for  a  poor  boy  to 
howld  on  by.  Sind  for  the  praste.  Sind  for  the  sisthers.  It's 
the  divil  himself  in  a  nightcap. " 

"This  is  a  pretty  thing  tu  call  us  out  for,"  sez  a  perlice. 
"This  ain't  nuthin'  but  petty  larceny." 

"Probably  the  others  has  escaped,"  sez  the  doctor. 

"I  ain't  a  petty  larcenee,"  sez  I.  "I  am  Miss  Grinder,  from 
Peekskill,  onto  a  visit  tu  York.  Oh  !  spare  my  money  and  take 
my  life — I  mean  t'other  way.  Don't  send  me  to  the  Tombs,  nor 
Sing  Sing.  How'd  ye  like  tu  be  hung  yerself,  beside  being  shot 
at  and  bit  by  a  Dutch  mad  dog,  and  up  tu  yer  neck  in  souse  ?" 

"Is  she  out  of  her  mind?"  sez  the  perlice. 

"Plainly,"  sez  the  doctor. 

"It's  all  pretense  to  evade  arrest,"  sez  the  lawyer. 

And  as  Biddy  had  never  seen  me,  bein'  gone  out  when  I  come, 
I  dunno  what  might  hev  happened  ef  just  then  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Hopkins  Barker  hadn't  come  hum.  They  told  who  I  be,  of 
course, and  reskied  of  me.  The  minnit  the  house  was  clear  I 


ii8  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

went  intu  spasms,  and  kep'  'em  up  as  long  as  I  could,  and  I 
sha'n't  forgive  the  Baikers  for  the  way  they  acted,  and  for  her 
sayin' : 

"  If  you'd  kept  out  o'  other  people's  closets  you  wouldn't  have 
got  intu  such  a  scrape." 

Sez  I,    "I  hope  you  don't  expect  me  o'  meddlin'." 

' '  Only  of  prying, "  sez  she. 

"In  that  case,"  sez  I,    "I'll  darken  yer  ruff  no  longer." 

"As  you  please,"  sez  she. 

So  as  soon  as  I'd  had  my  breaktwist  next  morning — that's  this 
— I  went  Mehevin'  been  in  the  barril,  of  course  they  couldn't 
use  the  pork,  and  they  gin  it  away,  charitable  like,  tu  a  poor 
Irish  famerly.  They  didn't  know  about  the  kerosene  lamp  bein' 
at  the  bottom,  and  I  forgot  tu  tell  'em.  So  jest  as  I  started  the 
man  they  gin  it  tu  brung  th3  lamp  round  and  was  threatenin'  tu 
hev  the  life  o'  Mr.  Hopkins  Barker  for  tryin'  tu  pison  his  child- 
ren. Dunno  how  it  ended,  for  I  didn't  stay. 

Oh  !  Partheny,  I  fetched  that  dimity  gownd  along  fur  you  tu 
du  up  fur  me.  And  let's  hev  dinner,  or  lunch,  or  suthin'  as 
soon  as  you  kin,  fur  the  excitement  has  made  me  faint. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  119 


NUMBER  FIFTEEN. 

HOW   CHARITY   GRINDER    ELOPES    WITH    COLONEL    KATERMOUNT. 

I  du  think  Miss  Colonel  Katermount  was  the  jealousest  critter 
ever  I  did  see.  She  never  let  the  colonel  hev  a  minnit's  peace 
o'  his  life  from  the  time  she  tuk  his  name  down  tu  the  last  I  seen 
of  her ;  and  'twarn't  as  ef  the  man  had  been  a  gay  Otheller, 
neither.  He  never  done  nothin'  fur  tu  exasperate  her ;  and  as 
fur  admirin'  o'  wimmin,  the  one  he  hed  was  enough  tu  make 
him  disgusted  with  the  hull  bilin'. 

She  didn't  think  so,  though.  I  du  b'lieve  she'd  a  got  jealous 
of  an  old  bunnit  without  no  head  in  it,  ef  the  colonel  hed 
looked  at  it  He  didn't  durst  speak  tu  a  little  gal  o'  fourteen 
nor  a  old  woman  o'  seventy ;  and  in  church,  ef  he  looked  off 
his  book,  she  nudged  him  with  her  elber,  and  kept  him  awake 
all  night  a  talkin'  o'  the  imperpriety  o'  a  married  man  starin'  at 
the  gals.  As  fur  the  fair  sect,  she  did  think  they  was  all  dyin'  o' 
love  fur  Colonel  Katermount. 

He  was  an  awful  humbly  man,  too.  What  he  had  left  of  his 
hair  was  red,  and  he'd  hed  the  small-pox,  and  there  was  one  big 
wart  on  his  nose,  and  another  onto  his  chin.  Besides,  poor 
man,  he  hed  a  wooden  leg,  and  was  cross-eyed ;  but,  bless  you, 


izo  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

ef  he'd  been  Apolly  hisself,  she  couldn't  a  had  a  bigger  idee  o' 
his  powers  o'  fascernation. 

I  used  ter  oilers  go  tu  tea  tu  Miss  Colonel  Katermount's  when 
the  colonel  was  out,  ef  I  could,  'cause,  et  you  coughed  or  blow'd 
yer  nose,  she  thought  'twas  a  secret  signal,  and  ef  you  spoke  tu 
him  she  got  mad,  and  ef  you  didn't  she  considered  'twas  tu  de- 
ceive her,  and  you  talked  all  the  more  behind  her  back. 

She  was  pertickler  jealous  o'  me,  'cause  when  we  was  both 
young  gals  the  colonel  used  to  be  quite  intimate  tu  our  house, 
and  she  knowed  that,  ef  I'd  been  a  mind  tu,  I  could  ha'  been 
Miss  Colonel  Katermount. 

"Did  he  propose?" 

Well,  not  exactly.  But  I  know  he  would  ef  I'd  encouraged 
him.  Didn't  though.  Whenever  I  seed  him  comin'  tu  offer 
me  his  attentions,  I  used  tu  stick  up  my  nose  and  prance  away 
like  a  queen. 

Well,  they'd  been  married  twenty  years  or  so,  when  we  had  a 
new  minister  over  our  church.  The  old  one  hevin'  evinced  a 
dispersition  to  be  a  Universaller,  went  so  fur  as  tu  say  he  didn't 
know  but  even  old  tipsy  Jenkins,  that  was  found  dead  to  the 
tavern  one  night,  might  git  tu  heaven,  and  that  'twarn't  Chris- 
tian-like tu  be  sartin  o'  the  ultimate  destination  o'  nobody.  Con- 
sequently, we  hed  another  in  his  place,  and  in  proper  time  we 
give  him  a  donation  party. 

Brother  Jonathan  and  me  was  a  goin'.  He  took  a  cheese, 
and  I  took  a  caliker  dress  patron  fur  the  minister's  wife ;  and 
bein'  'twas  quite  a  distance,  we  went  intu  the  waggin.  Lots  o' 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  121 

folks  come  in  waggins  that  night,  on  account  o'  the  things  they 
brung  along.  'Mong  'em  was  Miss  Colonel  Katermount.  They 
fetched  a  side  o'  bacon  and  a  bushel  o'  turnips.  Me  and  Jona- 
than and  them  got  there  fust,  so  we  nat'rally  fell  tu  talkin'. 

"  How  air  you  all?"  sez  I.      "  Hain't  seen  ye  fur  an  age." 

"Well,"  sez  she,  "we're  as  well  as  kin  be  expected.  Hev 
you  heerd  how't  my  married  darter,  Sophrony,  has  got  a  heir  ?" 

"A  what?"  sez  I. 

"A  son  and  heir,"  sez  she.  "We're  goin'  over  there  tu- 
night.  Thought  we'd  stop  tu  the  party  fust,  and  then  ride  out. 
It's  a  good  piece,  and  we  calkerlate  tu  stay  a  spell ;  me,  anyway, 
fur  while  Sophrony  is  shut  up  up  stairs,  ef  there  ain't  nobody  tu 
watch,  like  as  not  Mr.  Butterbanks  will  go  a  kissin'  the  gal. " 

"Du  tell,"  sez  I.  "Well,  you  hain't  much  o' a  opinion  o* 
the  men  sect,  Miss  Colonel  Katermount. " 

"Nobody  o'  a  penetratin'  mind  has,"  sez  she.  "There's  se- 
crets in  my  buzzim  what  nobody  knows  on.  I  ain't  a  goin'  tu 
mention  'em ;  but  they're  in  my  journal,  and  I've  got  a  brother 
down  in  York  that'll  publish  'em  arter  my  decease.  Then  the 
world  will  larn  about  what  wimmin  has  tu  bear." 

"There's  some  men  different  from  other  some,"  sez  I. 

"There  may  be,"  sez  she.  "But  the  heft  o'  them  that's 
gifted  with  the  snare  o'  beauty,  like  the  colonel,  is  alike. " 

I  didn't  make  no  remark  when  she  said  that,  and  I  went  tu 
talk  tu  the  rest  o'  the  folks  I  seed  comin'  in.  It  was  a  pecooliar 
kind  o'  a  church — there  wasn't  no  sociabillitude,  and  on  occa- 
sions like  this  here  half  o'  the  folks  stared  at  the  other  half  as  ef 


122  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

they  was  afeard  they'd  bite.  Elder  Ninepin  used  to  introduce 
folks,  but  they  wouldn't  stay  introduced.  They'd  put  on  their 
best  things  and  go  tu  the  church  sociable,  and  things,  and  sit 
with  their  noses  in  the  air  until  the  minister  would  say,  "Now 
we'll  close  this  here  delightful  evenin'  with  a  hymn,"  and  then 
he'd  give  one  out,  and  nobody  wouldn't  sing  only  him,  and  then 
they'd  hand  the  plate  round  and  go.  This  here  donation  party 
was  purty  much  like  the  rest,  and  when  the  hymn  was  sung,  I 
went  tu  Jonathan,  and  sez  I : 

"Ducome  along,  I'm  sleepy." 

Sez  he,  "I've  got  a  word  or  two  tu  say  tu  Brother  Ninepin ; 
you  go  along  down  and  get  intu  the  waggin,  and  I'll  come — it 
stands  right  o'  the  door,  tied  tu  the  fence." 

Well,  seein'  I  was  sleepy,  I  thought  I  would.  So  I  bid  the 
folks  good-by,  and  went  down  and  got  intu  the  waggin,  wrap- 
ped up  so  you  couldn't  see  my  nose,  and  before  Jonathan  got 
down  I  was  a'most  asleep.  He  warn't  much  o'  a  talker,  so  I 
warn't  surprised  when  he  didn't  make  no  remark,  and  we  driv 
along  a  spell  without  speakin'.  That  made  me  sleepier,  so  I 
put  my  head  agin  the  waggin  cover  and  snored  away  in  good 
earnest  in  less  than  five  minutes. 

When  I  woke  'twas  a  snowin',  and  it  seemed  to  me  we'd  been 
a  good  while  on  the  road.     I  nudged  Jonathan,  and  sez  I 
i      "Ain't  we  most  there?" 

And  sez  he,  from  under  his  comforter : 

"Not  half." 

I  never  heerd  his  voice  so  gruff  before.     Sez  I  : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  123 

"You've  took  cold." 

"I  hain't,"  sez  he. 

"  You  hev,"  says  I.  "  You're  as  hoarse  as  a  raven.  How  it 
snows  !" 

"  Yes,"  sez  he.      "Shouldn't  wonder  ef  I'd  iost  my  way." 

"Should  think  you'd  know  it  blindfold,"  sez  I.  "Beside, 
'tain't  long  enough  to  lose. " 

Sez  he,    "It's  five  mile." 

"Hey?"  sez  I,  thinkin'  he'd  gone  crazy. 

"Five  good,"  sez  he;  "and  there's  the  fork.  Ef  I  hev  got 
off  the  track  'twas  at  the  fork.  I'll  know  purty  soon  now. " 

"Why,  Jonathan,  hev  you  been  drinkin?"  sez  I,  skeered  out 
o'  my  senses. 

When  I  said  Jonathan,  he  gave  a  start. 

"Land  o'  liberty!"  sez  he,  "what  are  you  callin'  me  Jona- 
than for?  Either  I'm  gettin'  deaf,  or  that  ain't  Miss  Colonel  Kat- 
ermount's  voice. 

"Of  course  it  ain't,"  sez  I.  "And  you  ain't  Jonathan  Grin- 
der !" 

"I'm  blest  ef  I  am,"  sez  he.      "  I'm  Colonel  Katermount" 

The  hull  horror  o'  my  sittywation  rushed  onto  me  with  a  bang, 
and  sez  I : 

"Oh,  dredful  suz!  How  have  we  got  conglomerated?  I 
hain't  no  business  tu  be  travellin'  with  a  married  man,  much 
less  at  this  here  solemn  hour  o'  midnight  There  ain't  nuthin' 
can't  be  said  agin  me  now.  Oh !  drive  back,  colonel,  as  you 
vally  the  opinion  of  serciety." 


124  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Serciety !"  sez  he.  "  I  ain't  a  thinkin'  o'  them,  but  o'  Miss 
Colonel  Katermount.  She's  been  bad  enough  when  she  hadn't 
no  reason ;  what'll  she  be  when  she  has  ?" 

"'Tain't  too  late  for  tu  repair  our  errer,"  sez  I.  "Oh !  drive 
back,  du." 

Sez  he,  "The  difficulty  is  tu  du  it.  Ef  we're  in  the  right 
road,  I  kin.  Ef  we  ain't,  how  kin  I  ?  Hows 'ever  I'll  try. " 

So  he  turned  the  hoss,  and  away  we  galloped,  most  pitchin' 
me  out,  when  we  hit  agin  stones,  and  the  snow  was  fallin',  and 
it  was  pitch  dark,  and  arter  a  while  the  old  hoss  tumbled,  and 
down  he  come. 

Colonel  Katermount  got  out  and  tried  to  boost  him,  but  it 
warn't  no  use. 

"Here's  a  awful  state  o' things, "  sez  he.  "Dunno  more'n 
the  man  in  the  moon  where  we  be.  I'm  goin'  down  tu  where  I 
see  a  light,  tu  ask.  Don't  you  be  skeered,  Miss  Grinder. " 

When  he'd  said  that  he  went  away,  and  'twas  a  quarter  o'  an 
hour  afore  he  came  back.  Then  there  was  a  man  along  o'  him, 
and  he  hed  a  lantern. 

"Hev  you  any  notion  where  you  be?"  sez  he. 

"No,"  sez  I. 

"Ten  miles  from  Peekskill,"  sez  he.  "It's  the  wrong 
road,  and  ef  you  hed  the  old  hoss  on  his  legs  agin  you  couldn't 
get  back  till  mornin'. " 

Then  was  heerd  three  awful  groans. 

'Twas  me  expirin'. 

Well,  they  looked  at  the  old  hoss,  and  he  was  gin  out — no 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  125 

makin'  him  go;  and  we  couldn't  walk  ten  miles,  and  there 
wasn't  no  stage  that  night,  and  all  we  could  du  was  tu  go  tu  the 
tavern. 

The  lady  that  kep'  it,  when  she  heerd  my  story,  gin  me  her 
sympathy,  and  fetched  out  some  brandy  and  water,  and  was  quite 
motherly ;  but  nuthin'  couldn't  swage  my  woes  nor  the  colonel's. 
He  sot  with  his  head  onto  his  hands,  and  every  word  she  sed  to 
comfort  him  he'd  shake  it,  and  say : 

"Much  obleeged,  mum,  but  you  don't  know  my  wife.  Ef 
you  had  the  pleasure  o'  Miss  Colonel  Katermount's  acquaintance 
you'd  understand  my  feelin's. " 

And  as  fur  me,  I  shouldn't  hev  expected  nobody  tu  think 
nuthin'  o'  my  moral  rectitude  ef  I  hadn't  gone  intu  the  very 
worst  o'  highstrikes,  and  kep'  intu  'em  all  night. 

Next  mornin',  lo  and  behold !  the  snow  was  deeper  than  it 
hed  been  for  ten  years  afore,  and  the  hoss  warn't  able  to  budge, 
and  the  stage  warn't  goin'  tu  run,  even  as  fur  as  the  railway,  un- 
til the  next  day,  and  there  warn't  no  vehicle  tu  be  hed.  Colonel 
Katermount  tried  to  walk  it,  and  got  half  froze,  and  we  was  in 
despair. 

The  landlady  wept  with  me  the  heft  o'  the  day,  and  the  colonel 
he  tried  to  drown  his  sorrers  in  ale.  It  got  intu  his  head,  and 
they  had  tu  put  him  tu  bed  at  three  in  the  arternoon.  It  did 
seem  tu  me  I  should  go  crazy.  That  night  I  didn't  sleep  none, 
and  when  the  stage  come  I  was  ready,  and  so  was  the  colonel. 
The  landlady  was  goin'  along,  at  our  request,  tu  explain  things, 
and  the  colonel  was  goin'  tu  pay  her  for  goin'.  I  sobbed  so  all 


126  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

the  way  hum  that  everybody  in  the  stage  asked  what  that  inter- 
estin'  lady  was  a  weepin'  fur. 

The  stage  run  clear  tu  Peekskill,  and  when  we  got  out  the 
fust  person  we  met  was  a  newsboy,  a  sellin'  the  Peekskill  Patriot. 
He  come  up  to  the  colonel,  and  sez  he  : 

"Hev  a  paper,  sir?  Interesting  elopement  in  religious  cir- 
cles— awful  disclosures  concernin'  a  prominent  gentleman." 

The  colonel  he  turned  white  as  he  could,  and  sez  he: 

"I'll  take  a  paper,  boy,"  and  he  paid  him  and  took  it 

Land  o'  Goshen !  the  fust  thing  was  headed  with  them  words 
the  boy  had  spoke,  and  when  he  read  it  out  I  thought  I  should 
faint. 

"Awful  disclosures  concerning  a  distinguished  gentleman  and 
a  lady  hitherto  considered  a  model  o'  exemplary  conduct." 

Then  it  went  on  tu  tell  how't  we  was  at  a  delightful  party  to- 
gether, and  in  the  midst  o'  the  evenin'  he  contrived  to  evade  the 
observation  o'  his  pardner  and  elope. 

It  described  the  anguish  o'  Miss  Colonel  Katermount,  and 
spoke  o'  us  in  dreadful  terms. 

I  swooned  the  moment  the  colonel  hed  got  through  readin' 
on't.  But  I  got  over  it  immediate,  because  'twas  necessary  to  go 
to  our  places  o'  residence  as  soon  as  possible. 

Folks  was  gettin'  up,  and  the  heft  on  'em  stared  at  us  as  if 
we'd  been  ghosts. 

When  we  come  to  the  colonel's  house  there  was  a  red  flag  at 
the  door,  and  a  man  standing  on  the  stoop.  He  was  a  stranger, 
and  the  colonel  walks  up  tu  him,  and  sez  he : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  127 

"  Hullo,  sir,  who  be  you  ?" 

Sez  he,    ' '  You'd  better  be  civil. " 

Sez  the  colonel,    ' '  I  am. " 

"Oh  !"  sez  he,  "in  that  case  I  don't  mind  tellin'  you  I'm 
Mr.  Higgs,  come  down  to  auction  off  the  desirable  furniture  o' 
this  here  family  mansion.  The  things  is  all  good,  and  we're 
sellin'  'em  for  the  benefit  o'  a  deserted  wife  that's  been  abandoned 
by  her  spouse,  and  is  goin'  home  to  her  parents. " 

•'Hey?"  sez  the  colonel,    "you  air,  air  you?" 

And  he  squares  off  and  hits  the  auctioneer  in  his  waistcoat, 
and  he  hollers,  and  out  comes  Miss  Colonel  Katermounts  bro- 
ther and  flies  at  the  colonel,  and  out  comes  Miss  Colonel  Kater- 
mount  herself  and  flies  at  me,  and  had  me  in  ribbons  in  a  min- 
nit ;  and  I  hollered  and  she  screeched,  and  we  kept  at  it  until 
we  both  swooned. 

The  poor  landlady  told  me  arterward  how't  she  never  had  such 
a  time  before  as  she  had  then  explainin'  matters,  and  arter  every- 
body else  believed  her,  Miss  Colonel  Katermount  wouldn't. 

All  she'd  say,  pintin'  at  me  in  a  state  o'  bunnit  that  you'd  a 
thought  'ud  a  moved  the  heart  o'  any  o'  the  female  sect,  was  : 

"I'll  tear  her  eyes  out !" 

And  the  only  wonder  is  she  didn't. 

Me  and  she  never  spoke  arterward.  And  fust  place  Colonel 
Katermount  sued  the  paper  for  a  libel,  and  then  the  auctioneer 
he  sued  him  for  'salt  and  battery.  And  I  often  sit  and  reflect 
how  onsartain  life  is,  and  how  much  was  brought  about  by  me 
gettin'  into  the  wrong  waggin. 


iz8  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  SIXTEEN. 

CHARITY       GOES       H O U S E - H U NT I N G. 

Jemmimy  Brisket  and  me  ain't  no  relation.  I've  heered  some 
o'  these  Yorkers  has  said  how't  Charity  Grinder  was  endeavorin 
to  establish  relationships  where  none  didn't  exist.  So  I  state 
plainly  how't  she  and  me  ain't  none.  Her  pa  was  my  mother's 
brother,  and  they  quarreled,  and  didn't  hev  nuthin'  tu  say  tu 
each  other.  However,  she  and  me  was  allers  intimate,  and  I 
went  tu  see  her  as  soon  as  ever  I  could  find  her  direction. 

She  was  in  a  peck  o'  troubles,  and  the  first  words  she  said 
were  these  : 

"Oh,  Charity,  Charity,  I  du  expect  tu  be  homeless.  There 
ain't  nobody  will  take  us  in. " 

"Why,  what's  the  matter?"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,  '' '  We've  gin  up  our  house  and  it's  let  over  our  heads, 
and  there  ain't  none  tu  be  had.  We  can't  afford  a  nine-story 
residence,  with  brown  stone  fronts  and  floors ;  they  won't  let  to 
them  that  has  children,  and  there  ain't  no  small  houses,  and 
we've  got  tu  set  in  the  streets.  I  spend  the  heft  o'  the  time  in 
the  street,  and  the  gal  explodes  the  kerosene  lamp  and  tumbles 
down  stairs  with  the  baby,  and  the  big  children  sets  fire  tu  the 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  129 

house,  and  Araminty  has  the  young  man  I  disapprove  of  callin' 
on  her;  and  Washington  Jefferson  smokes  cigars  every  time  I 
go  out,  and  Mr.  Brisket,  he  hain't  time  to  go." 

"Lawful  suz!"  sez  I,    "what  did  ye  think  o'  movin'  fur?" 
Sez  she,    ' '  Why,  Mr.  Brisket  don't  only  get  nine  hundred  a 
year,  and  this  here  home  is  riz  tu  a  thousand.     Of  course,  if  we 
was  tu  live  here,  we  couldn't  calkerlate  tu  pay  the  rent  at  all. " 

' '  Well, "  sez  I,  ' '  York  folks  is  all  gone  crazy  together,  I  reck- 
on. Tell  you  what  I'll  du.  I'll  go  a  house-huntin'  for  ye.  I'll 
jest  hev  my  things  fetched  here,  and  it  won't  be  no  trouble.  I 
like  tu  see  how  folks  lives. " 

So  that's  the  way  I  come  tu  be  a  house-huntin'. 

****** 

"How  many  rooms  did  you  say  you  had  tu  let,  mum?" 

"Second  floor  and  back  basement." 

"Oh,  well,  I'd  like  tu  see  'em." 

"Can't  until  ten." 

"Oh,  pshaw  !  I've  heerd  jest  how  I'd  be  treated,  but  I  ain't 
tu  be  put  off.  Excuse  me  fur  goin'  up  fust.  Land  o'  Liberty  ! 
ye  needn't  look  so  mad.  Is  this  the  parlor  ?  'Tis,  hey  ?  Well, 
I've  seen  dirty  paint,  but  never  the  equal  o'  this  here  ?  Don't 
you  never  scrub  it?  Well,  I  reckon  'twill  come  clean,  so  that 
don't  make  no  difference.  The  paper  ain't  so  bad.  Whose 
portrait  is  that?  Your'n?  Du  tell.  Why,  I  should  a'  thought 
some  good-lookin'  woman  sot  for  it  It's  got  real  good  clothes 
on  tu,  but  I  suppose  you've  got  them  fur  best  If  'tain't  a  im- 
pertinent question,  where  du  you  keep  clothes  in  this  place  ?  I 


130  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

don't  see  no  closets.  Be  these  bedrooms  ?  Why,  they  hain't  no 
windys.  Not  a  morsel  o'  air,  and  ye  can't  get  around  the  bed 
tu  make  it.  That  is  a  new  patron  patch-quilt,  ain't  it  ?  Seems 
tu  me  I  never  seen  it  before.  I'll  jest  look  at  it,  so's  tu  get  the 
patron.  Du  you  know  them  pillercases  ain't  felled?  You 
thought  I  wanted  tu  see  the  house,  and  not  the  bed  things  ?  So 
I  du.  This  is  the  dining-room,  hey?  Well,  ef  'twas  furnished 
up  nice,  it  might  look  better.  Though,  after  all,  it's  kinder 
skewjawed.  I'd  like  tu  see  the  closet  It's  only  shelves,  hey? 
Well,  a  body  wants  tu  see  before  they  hire,  shelves  or  not  Now 
for  the  kitchen.  Can't  I  wait  until  to-morrow  ?  Oh,  laws  a 
mussy,  no  !  How  d'ye  know  any  on  us  will  ever  see  to-morrow. 
'Tain't  a  Christian  duty  to  procrastinationate.  That  your  little 
boy?  He's  awful  thick-complected.  You'd  orter  give  him 
suthin'  for  his  blood. 

"Wall,  ef  you  call  this  a  kitchen,  why,  I've  got  a  spice-box 
full  as  big  tu  Peekskill.  Hain't  been  whitewashed  for  a  spell,  I 
reckon. 

"Clean  it  up,  and  it's  better,  I  suppose.  You  mustn't  be  of- 
fended by  my  plain  remarks.  You  see  I  allers  come  out  jest  as 
I  feel,  up  and  down. 

"A  bad  habit?  WThy,  land  o'  liberty!  it's  considered  the 
amiablest  treat  o'  my  character  up  tu  hum.  Fact  is,  where  the 
truth  ain't  pleasant,  folks  doesn't  like  tu  hear  on't,  nat'rally. 

"Jest  makin'  tea,  ain't  you?  Well,  as  I'm  up  so  early,  I'll 
jest  take  a  cup,  and  don't  trouble  yourself  for  me.  Slice  o'  that 
cake  in  the  closet  is  plenty.  How  on  arth  du  you  come  to 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  131 

breaktwist  so  late?  Husband  was  out  last  night,  and  ain't  up, 
I  suppose?  He  don't  drink  nur  nuthin',  does  he?  Sartinly 
not !  Lawful  suz !  you  needn't  perk  up  so — the  heft  o'  the  men 
sect  dues.  That's  the  reason  I  hain't  never  united  myself  in  the 
bounds  o'  wedded  bliss.  Didn't  calkerlate  'twas  pleasant  to  hev 
nobody  comin'  in  whenever  they  was  disposed,  and  mebbe  goin' 
tu  bed  with  ther  boots  on.  Kurnel  Jingle  used  to  hev  his  spurs, 
tu,  but  he  was  a  millingtary  ossifer,  and  them  is  wuss  than  most 
o'  the  men  sect  as  fur  as  mortals  goes.  Put  another  pinch  o' 
tea  in,  fur  I  don't  like  weak  slops,  and  I'll  take  another  cup, 
since  you're  so  pressing. 

"Any  more  rooms?  Kitching,  dining-room,  parlor,  bed- 
rooms, ef  you  call  'em  so — I  should  say  rat-holes.  What's  this 
here  ?  It  belongs  tu  the  apartments,  but  I'd  better  not  go  in  ? 
Why  not? 

"You  wouldn't  advise  me  tu?  Why,  land  o'  liberty  1  I 
mean  tu  see  the  hull  before  I  go.  Door  kinder  sticks,  hey? 
There  it  goes 

"Oh! — ah! — ooh  ! — my! — gracious  goodness  1  There's  a 
indelicate  man  in  there  a  bathin'  hisself. 

"Ohl  ah  !  What  doin's!  You  told  me  not  to  ^o  in,  be- 
cause Mr.  Brown  was  performing  his  toilet.  Land  o'  liberty ! 
why  didn't  you  say  so  ?  I  sha'n't  get  over  this  here  in  a  hurry. 
Ain't  you  got  a  glass  o'  wine  nor  nuthin'  tu  resusitate  my  spirits  ? 
Fetch  a  fan,  du. 

"Well,  I  did  think  better  o'  yer  delicacy.     You'd  orter  be 


I32  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

ashamed  o'  yerself !     It  seems  tu  me  you  might  blush  instead  o' 
grinnin'. 

"How  soon  du  you  calkerlate  tu  move?  Not  till  fust  o' 
May.  Du  I  suppose  I'll  take  the  house?  Why,  I'm  huntin' 
fur  a  friend,  and  of  course  'twon't  suit  her.  Eleven  in  fammer- 
ly,  besides  it's  tu  dirty — she's  used  to  a  nice  place.  And  then, 
didn't  I  tell  ye  she'd  made  up  her  mind  tu  go  to  Brooklyn, 
found  the  place,  and  signed  papers  and  all.  I  jest  thought  I'd 
see  what  some  more  houses  was  like  before  I  stopped.  You 
wonder  at  my  impudence,  hey  ?  Law,  du  you  ?  I'd  hev  you  tu 
know  that  I  wonder  at  yourn ;  but  them  that's  dirty  is  ginerally 
sassy,  and  I  don't  expect  much  o'  Yorkers,  anyhow  !  Good- 
mornin'.  I  was  oilers  fetched  up  to  remember  good  manners, 
ef  you  wasn't.  My  mar  was  a  lady,  and  my  Aunt  Tibbs  a  mem- 
ber o'  the  fust  serciety.  I  ain't  used  to  associatin'  with  no  low 
people,  and  as  for  the  abuse  o'  such  a  nasty,  ineddicated  critter 
as  you,  I'd  answer  it  back,  only  I  won't  so  abase  myself.  Good 
mornin'. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  133 


NUMBER  SEVENTEEN. 

CHARITY      DISCOVERS      A      SECRET. 

I  never  did  think  much  o'  Pamela  Pondicherry — never.  When 
she  was  a  gal,  by  the  name  o'  Pamela  Tid,  she  was  always  kinder 
hity-tity — tu  fixy  tu  suit  me.  I  warn't  never  took  in  by  her  as 
some  was.  "Handsome  is  as  handsome  does,"  sez  I ;  jest  wait 
and  see.  And  I  did  wait,  and  I  and  the  rest  o'  us  seen. 

Can't  say  she  ever  let  the  cloven  foot  peek  out  very  plain  while 
she  was  a  gal,  but  she  winded  up  by  elopin'  with  Packenham 
Pondicherry.  Afore  her  folks  caught  up  with  'em,  they  was 
united  in  bonds  o'  matermony  by  the  Rev.  Silas  Speers. 

That  warn't,  tu  my  way  o'  thinkin',  a  very  creditable  way  of 
steppin'  off.  But  'twas  done,  and  they  couldn't  du  nuthin'  tu 
prevent  it,  so  they  jest  sot  and  took  it.  Old  Mr.  Tid  said  how't 
he'd  disown  Pamely ;  but  seein'  he  didn't  hev  nuthin'  tu  speak 
on,  only  a  house  with  a  mortgage  ontu  it  about  three  times  its 
vally  (couldn't  ha'  bin?  Why,  I  know  it  on  the  first  authority), 
and  an  old  hoss,  that  was  blind  o'  an  eye,  and  lame  o'  a  leg,  and 
there  was  three  sons  tu  divide  amongst  arter  Miss  Tid,  his  pard- 
ner,  had  had  her  thirds.  Pamely  didn't  lose  much. 

Mr.  Pondicherry  is  intu  the  customus  now.     He  was  a  kind 


1 34  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

o'  a  clerk,  or  suthin'  there.  Twarn't  considered  much  o'  a 
match ;  but  he  has  clim  up  amazin' — scum  rises,  you  know. 
'Twas  said  how't  old  Miss  Pondicheny  went  out  washin'. 

Well,  arter  I'd  been  tu  York  a  spell,  Maria  sez  tu  me : 

"Seen  anythin'  o'  Pamely  sence  you  come?" 

"No,"  sez  I,    "I  hain't." 

Sez  she,  "They're  livin'  in  fust-rate  style.  He's  in  the  cus- 
tomus,  and  the  daughters  is  highly  accomplished.  You'd  orter 
go  and  see  'em." 

"Reckon  I  will,"  sez  I.  So  I  took  the  direction,  and  went 
up  there,  with  some  things  in  a  portmantle,  the  next  day. 

"Why,  land  o'  liberty!"  sez  she,  when  she  sot  eyes  on  me; 
"'tain't  you?" 

"Tis,"  sez  I.  "But  how  awful  fat  you  be,  Pamely.  Is  it 
dropsy,  or  du  you  hev  your  helth  ?" 

Sez  she,  "  I'm  very  well,  thank  you  ;  and  I'm  not  considered 
fat  by  my  friends — a  little  on  bong  pwan. "  (That's  what  she 
said ;  what  she  meant,  I  dunno. )  "A  little  on  long  pwan  is 
considered  becoming." 

"So  it  is,"  sez  I ;  for  I  reckoned  'twas  some  highfalutin  word, 
and  I  warn't  a-goin'  tu  giv  in  tu  Pamely  Pondicheny.  ' '  And 
how's  Packenham  ?" 

"  He's  purty  well, "  sez  she.  "Attention  tu  business  ruther 
wears  onto  him ;  but  he's  purty  well. " 

"Glad  tu  hear  it,"  sez  I.  "And  I  du  suppose  the  young  uns 
is  purty  well  growed  up. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  135 

Sez  she,  "They're  all  tu  boardin'-school — won't  you  take  off 
your  things  ?" 

"Of  course  I  will,"  sez  I.      "I've  come  tu  stay  a  week." 

| 

She  didn't  speak  as  perlite  as  she'd  orter,  I  thought,  when  I 
said  that ;  but,  lor,  if  she  hadn't  no  manners  'twarn't  my  fault. 

She  sent  the  gal  to  show  me  a  spare  bedroom,  and  had  lunch 
at  wonst — a  purty  respectable  kind  o'  a  lunch,  tu.  Land  o' 
liberty  !  the  airs  she  took  tu — 'twould  a  made  any  one  larf  that 
could  a  seen  her  and  remembered  Pamely  Tid,  with  her  sleeves 
rolled  up,  whitewashin'  the  kitchen — a  nigger  behind  her  cheer, 
and  pink  wash-hand  glasses  fur  tu  dip  yer  fingers  in.  I  took  a 
drink  before  I  knowed  what  they  was. 

Well,  there  hain't  much  to  tell  about  the  fust  few  days.  We 
had  our  reg'lar  meals,  and  went  tu  bed  and  got  up.  The  things 
I'm  now  about  to  depicter  occurred,  or  begun  for  tu  occur,  a 
Thursday.  That  night  him  and  her  went  tu  a  ball — they  might 
a  took  me,  but  they  didn't  offer  tu,  so  I  staid  tu  hum.  She 
asked  me  where  I'd  prefer  for  tu  set,  and  I  said  in  my  own  room. 
So  I  had  a  fire  there,  and  made  myself  comfortable. 

My  objeck  in  settin'  there  was  tu  be  handy  tu  her  room. 
There  was  suthin'  there  I'd  made  up  my  mind  tu  investigate  for 
the  sake  o'  maintainin'  them  there  rules  o'  moral  rectitude  which 
air  necessary  for  the  well-bein'  o'  serciety.  I  warn't  inquisitorial 
— I'd  scorn  it — but  I  did  desire  tu  know  what  on  airth  Pamely  .* 
Packenham  had  intu  her  desk. 

I  allers  knowed  she  was  kinder  hity-tity,  and  I  felt  sure  she 
had  a  secret ;  and  there  was  suthin'  in  the  way  she  locked  up 


136  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

that  desk  that  excited  my  suspicions.  I'd  read  enough  o'  fash 
ionable  serciety  tu  know  how  holler  it  was,  and  I  made  up  my 
mind  that  if  Pamely  was  a  carryin'  on,  I'd  expose  her.  What 
she  could  hev  in  the  desk  I  didn't  know,  but  I  had  a  presenti- 
ment how't  I  should  diskiver  it 

I  waited  until  the  heft  o'  the  help  was  abed,  and  then  I  jest 
went  intu  Pamely 's  room — 'twas  next  tu  mine — and  got  her  keys 
— I  knowed  where  they  was  kept — and  opened  that  there  desk. 
'Twas  a  leetle  one,  and-  inside  there  was  a  lot  o'  writin'  paper, 
and  a  gold  pen,  and  a  ink  bottle,  shape  o'  a  cullud  purson  (you 
took  off  his  head  and  there  was  the  ink),  and  there  was  a  pen- 
wiper, and  a  lot  o'  stamps  and  enveloyps.  Nuthin'  for  tu  satisfy 
my  suspections  in  all  them ;  but  behind  there  was  a  lot  o'  pigin' 
holes  full  o'  letters.  Now  ef  a  woman  or  a  gal  goes  tu  carryin' 
on,  you  may  be  sure  you'll  find  there's  letters  mixed  up  with  the 
preceedins  somehow. 

So  I  fetched  them  letters  intu  my  room,  and  sot  down  tu  read 
'em.  Fust  off  there  was  some  from  her  ma,  and  her  brother 
Zeke.  Next  there  was  bills  and  things,  and  some  invites  tu  par- 
ties. And  then  there  was  a  rubbish  o'  letters,  mixed  up  pro- 
miscus,  from  this  and  that  and  'tuther,  not  a  word  wuth  readin 
in  the  hull  bilin'.  I  began  tu  think  Miss  Pamely  Pondicherry 
was  tu  deep  for  me  arter  all. 

And  jest  as  I  began  tu  think  so  I  come  across  a  bundle  o'  let- 
ters tied  up  with  blue  ribbon,  and  when  I  opened  them — land  o' 
liberty !  ef  they  warn't  love  letters.  Every  one  on  'em  love  let- 
ters o'  the  most  pertickler  kind,  and  begun,  ' '  My  ever  dear 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  137 

Tamely,"  or  "My  angel,"  or  "Sweetest,"  or  suthin'  o'  the 
sort.  She  must  a  answered  the  hull  o'  'em,  tu.  They  warn't 
signed  reg'lar — the  villain  was  tu  deep  for  that — and  the  enve- 
loyps  was  torn ;  but  I  knowed  'twas  Pamely  Pondicherry  they 
was  writ  tu,  and  I  knowed  now  what  kind  o'  critter  she  must  be. 

Sez  I  to  myself,  "Charity  Grinder,  what  is  your  duty  tu  du 
in  this  here?" 

And  sez  I,  in  answer,  ' '  You  should  feel  tu  be  thankful  how't 
it's  been  throwed  in  your  way  tu  accidentally  diskiver  iniquity, 
and  you  should  tell  Mr.  Pondicherry  how't  he's  been  nourishin' 
a  viper  intu  his  buzzum  tu  the  fust  oppertunity. " 

Sez  I,    "I  will." 

And  I  put  the  rest  o'  the  letters  back,  and  locked  the  desk, 
and  put  the  others  under  my  piller,  and  slept  the  sleep  o'  con- 
scious respectability. 

Next  mornin'  I  was  up  airly,  washed  and  combed,  and  cleaned 
my  teeth  before  the  clock  struck  six.  Then  I  went  down,  and 
sot  in  the  parlor  until  I  heerd  Mr.  Pondicherry  comin'  past.  He 
allers  took  his  break  twist  before  anybody  else,  so's  tu  be  off  in 
season.  She  was  a  reg'lar  sleepy  head — never  ris  till  nine. 

When  I  heerd  him,  I  steps  out,  and  sez  I : 

"Mr.  Pondicherry,  I'd  like  tu  hev  a  few  minutes  o' private 
conversation  with  you." 

Sez  he,    "Sartainly,  Miss  Grinder." 

And  in  he  comes,  and  I  shuts  the  door,  and  sez  I  : 

"  It's  my  painful   duty  for  tu  reveal  a  very  afflictin'  circum- 


138  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

stance.     'Tain't  agreeable  tu  my  feelings  for  tu  do  so,  but  the 
cause  of  respectabilitude  demands  it." 

"Ah,"  sez  he  ;   "suthin'  regardin'  a  servant?" 

"No,"  sez  I.  "It's  closer  hum,  Mr.  Pondicherry.  It's  in 
relation  tu  the  pardner  o'  your  buzzum. " 

"To  who?"  sez  he. 

"To  Miss  Pamela  Pondicherry,"  sez  I. 

"Gracious  goodness  !"  sez  he. 

Sez  I,    "I  feel  tu  sympathize  with  you,  sir. " 

"Go  on,"  sez  he.     "Go  on." 

Sez  I,  "It's  a  painful  duty,  but  I  will.  Circumstances,  what 
I  hadn't  no  control  over,  has  accidentally  throwed  me  in  the 
way  o'  diskiverin'  how't  Miss  Pondicherry  has  got  a  beau,  and 
bein'  a  married  woman — I  blush  tu  speak  on't." 

"A  beau!"  sez  he.  "Oh,  your  mistaken — quite  mistaken. 
She  allows  no  one " 

Sez  I,  "I  hev  the  proofs.  She's  been  tu  the  theayter  with 
him  ;  she's  met  him  o'  a  moonlight  night,  by  appointment,  and 
she's  goin'  tu  elope  with  him  a  Thursday  next  She  calls  you  a 
tyrant,  and  sez  how't  she  ain't  a-goin'  tu  put  up  with  it  no  lon- 
ger ;  and  she  calls  him  her  dear,  and  her  lover,  because  he  re- 
peats them  sentiments  out  o'  her  letters  in  his'n. " 

When  I  said  that,  Mr.  Pondicherry  begun  tu  stamp  and  clinch 
his  fists,  and  sez  he  : 

"Who  is  the  rascal?     Who  is  he?     Tell  me  his  name!" 

"I  dunno  that,"  sez  I;  "but  these  here  is  his  letters,  and 
perhaps  you  can  diskiver  for  yourself. " 


THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS.  139 

He  snatched  them  from  me  tu  wonst,  and  sez  he  : 

"Who  could  hev  suspected  it?  False  as  fair,  woman,  thy 
name  is  treachery. " 

And  he  tore  at  his  hair,  and  stamped,  and  flung  himself  on 
the  sofy,  and  groaned.  By  and  by  he  riz  up,  and  sez  he : 

"You  see  before  you  a  broken-hearted  wretch,  Miss  Grinder. 
Words  can't  tell  how  I  hev  adored  that  woman. " 

Sez  I,    "I  feel  tu  be  sorry  fur  ye. " 

"You  can't  understand  my  feelings,"  sez  he.  "Nobody 
could.  But  I  will  not  act  until  I  am  calmer.  I  will  wait  until 
to-night  before  I — ah  ! — oh ! 

And  he  kinder  howled,  and  rushed  out  o*  the  house. 

I  kept  my  eyes  on  Miss  Pondicherry  all  day,  I  tell  ye.  And 
whenever  she  took  tu  airs,  I  sez  tu  myself,  ' '  There's  a  rod  in 
pickle  for  you,  my  dear.  You  won't  hold  yer  head  so  high  to- 
morrow." And  'twas  amusin'  tu  see  how  she  tossed  her  head, 
and  turned  up  her  nose,  when  you  knowed  what  she  actually 
was.  Tell  ye,  I  was  actually  tickled  when  I  heerd  the  door  open 
that  night,  and  seen  Mr.  Pondicherry. 

He  walked  in,  the  color  o'  a  spook,  and  he  shets  the  door  and 
locks  it,  and  sez  he,  lookin'  at  his  wife  : 

"Oh,  Pamely!     Pamely  !     Oh!" 

Sez  she,    "Oh,  mercy!     What  is  the  matter,  my  dear?" 

Sez  he,    "  Don't  be  a  hypocrite,  Pamely." 

"No,  don't,"  sez  I. 

"  Law  !"  sez  she,    "what  has  happened  ?" 

Sez  he,    "The  wreck  of  all  my  earthly  hopes." 


HO  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS 

"You  ain't  failed?"  sez  she. 
He  walks  up  tu  her,  and  sez  he  : 
''Fiend!     Traitoress !     Sarpent!" 
"Well,"  sez  she,   "hev  you  gone  mad?" 

Sez  he,  "I  hev  discovered  your  treachery.  Tell  me  his 
name. " 

"Who's  namel"  sez  she. 

"The  writer  o'  these  letters,"  sez  he. 

She  put  on  the  biggest  heap  o'  astonishment,  and  sez  she  : 

"Let  me  see  them." 

"No,"  sez  he.  "I  shall  keep  'em  for  proofs.  I  shall  hev  a 
divorce,  ma'am.  I  hev  your  love  letters  here,  ma'am — your 
love  letters." 

' '  It's  news  to  me,  ef  I've  got  any, "  sez  she,  cool  as  a  cucum- 
ber. "Where  did  you  find  'em  ?" 

"I  owe  the  diskivery  tu  Miss  Grinder,"  sez  he. 

"And  where  did  you  get  them  ?"  sez  she. 

"Out  o'  your  desk,"  sez  I.  "I  seen  you  when  you  leetle 
thought  o'  bein'  observed  ;  and  I  calkerlate  to  put  down  sich 
carryins  on  wherever  I  diskiver  'em.  You're  a  disgrace  tu  the 
wummen  sect,"  sez  I. 

"  Ah  !"  sez  she.  "Well,  I  missed  some  letters,  and  ef  you'll 
be  kind  enough  to  read  'em  out,  I'll  tell  you  who  writ  'em. " 

Sez  he,  "Your  audacity  beat?:  everything,  woman.  Listen, 
then,  viper  : 

"'Dearest  Pamela — I  have  but  a  moment  to  spare;  but  I 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  141 

seize  upon  it  to  send  these  few  lines  on  the  wings  of  love,  per 
boy,  to  you. 

"'To-night  the  tyrant,  whose  heart  could  never  have  been 
young,  will  be  absent,  I  am  informed.  Meet  me,  then,  beneath 
the  rays  of  the  moon,  and  ramble  for  a  brief  but  blissful  hour 
with  him  who  adores  you. ' " 

"What  do  you  say  to  that,  ma'am  ?"  sez  I. 

She  shrugged  her  shoulders,  and  he  went  on. 

"Here  is  another : 

"'Lovey,  can  you  elude  the  vigilance  of  you  know  who, 
and  go  with  me  to  see  the  Lady  of  Lyons,  to-night  ?  One  more 
hour  in  your  presence  I  must  have.  I  long  to  feel  your  hand 
upon  my  arm — to  look  into  your  eyes.  I  kiss  the  paper  twice, 
thrice;  but  the  boy,  our  confidential  messenger,  is  waiting. 
Adieu. ' " 

"How  du  ye  feel  now,  you  disgrace  tu  respectabilitude ?"  sez 
I.  "You  won't  stick  your  nose  up  quite  so  high  again  I  reck- 
on." 

She  tossed  her  head  and  laughed,  as  brazen  as  you  please. 

"Next  comes  this  awful  disclosure,"  sez  he. 

"  'Sweetest  angel — all  is  prepared  for  our  flight.  On  Thurs- 
day night  the  cab  will  be  in  waiting.  Oh,  bliss  to  call  you  mine ! 
Oh,  rapture ! — my  soul ! — my  seraph  !  be  in  time,  and  guard 
against  detection.  Your  devoted  lives  in  an  agony  of  suspense 
until  he  clasps  you  to  his  bosom  !' 

"There are  more  of  'em,"  sez  Mr.  Pondicherry,  "but  I  shall 
read  no  more.  The  name,  unhappy  woman,  the  name  ?" 


142  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Miss  Pondicherry  got  up  and  shrugged  her  shoulders,  and  sez 
she : 

"Well,  I  should  hev  thought  you'd  hev  known  who  'twas  by 
this  time.  Look  at  the  date,  and  you'll  find  that  it's  1858  ;  and 
maybe  you'll  remember  your  own  old  love  letters.  You  wrote 
every  one  of  'em  yourself. " 

Mr.  Pondicherry  stared,  and  opened  his  mouth,  and  looked 
at  the  tops  o'  the  letters,  and  then  he  pitched  'em  on  the  floor, 
and  rushed  across  the  room,  and  begun,  straight  before  me,  to 
hug  and  kiss  Miss  Pondicherry. 

Sez  he,    "Forgive  me !" 

Sez  she,    "You  old  goose,  you  don't  deserve  it,  but  I  will." 

Then  he  comes  across  tu  me. 

"Where  shall  I  tell  the  carriage  tu  drive  tu  ?"  sez  he. 

"What  carriage?"  sez  I. 

"Mine,"  sez  he.  "I  shall  order  it  tu  take  you  home;  and 
I  beg  you  will  never  enter  my  doors  agin. " 

"Marsy  sakes  !"  sez  I.  "Is  this  the  way  you  treat  me  fur 
duin'  you  a  service  ?  You'd  orter  be  grateful  to  me ;  and, 
what's  more,  if  I  ain't  found  nuthin'  out  about  Miss  Pondi- 
cherry, that  ain't  tu  say  there  isn't  nuthin' " 

He  rings  the  bell,  and  sez  he  : 

"Thomas,  the  carriage  fur  Miss  Grinder." 

And  I  despised  him  tu  much  tu  say  nuthin'. 

So  here  I  am,  Amandy.  How's  yer  pa  ?  Purty  chirk  ?  Glad 
tu  see  it.  I  always  was  a  favorite  o'  his'n. 


THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS.  143 


NUMBER  EIGHTEEN. 

CHARITY   SAVES    JONATHAN    FROM    A    DESIGNING   WIDOW. 

How  are  ye,  Miss  Dusenbury  ?  Purtyspiy?  Wall,  consider- 
in'  ye  always  was  kinder  scrawny  you  du  seem  tolerable.  How 
am  I  ?  Well,  I'm  jest  able  tu  crawl.  My  nerves  is  so  shook. 
You  know  I  said  I'd  be  here  last  week,  and  what  d'ye  'spose 
kept  me  ?  I've  been  back  tu  Peekskill  tu.  save  my  brother  Jona- 
than from  a  designin'  widder.  Who  do  I  mean  ?  You  didn't 
never  know  Miss  Moriarty,  did  ye?  Used  tu  be  Carline  Lump- 
kins.  Warn't  married  very  young,  and  hadn't  old  Moriarty 
come  she  couldn't  get  nobody  else.  He  had  some  money,  but 
she  never  had  a  decent  gownd  tu  her  back  'till  she'd  jawed  and 
bothered  him  out  of  the  world ;  but  when  that  was  done  she 
spent  the  heft  o'  what  was  left  in  bugles,  and  sot  her  cap  for  an- 
other. 

What  du  I  mean  ?  Why,  land  o'  Caanan,  Miss  Dusenbury, 
hain't  you  never  seen  that  kind  o'  mournin'  ?  Looks  as  ef  the 
individual  that  wears  it  was  first  dipped  in  gum,  and  then  poked 
intu  a  bag  o'  bugles.  There  warn't  an  inch  o'  Miss  Moriarty 
that  hadn't  a  bunch  o'  'em  stuck  on  somehow. 

Commin'  up  the  road  o'  Sundays  she  shined  considerable 


144  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

more'n  the  tin  peddler.  As  fur  widders'  caps,  don't  never  men- 
tion 'em  in  my  hearin'  agin,  Miss  Dusenbury,  arter  what  I've 
seen. 

Miss  Dusenbury,  ef  you  know  any  reason  why  a  fat  critter  o' 
forty,  with  red  hair  and  freckles,  and  eyes  the  color  o'  milk  and 
water,  should  think  herself  handsome,  jest  mention  it  Sure  as 
I'm  a  livin'  sinner  lhat  critter  did.  So  did  our  Jonathan.  Never 
was  so  beat  out  as  I  was  when  he  said  so  one  day.  He  was  a 
lookin'  out  o'  the  windy  with  his  chin  ontu  his  hands,  and  his 
eyes  cast  up  tu  the  moon,  and  I'd  said  twicet,  "Time  tu  retire, 
Jonathan,"  afore  he  spoke. 

Then  sez  he,  kinder  sleepy  like  : 

"I  was  a  thinkin'  which  was  the  good-lookinest  female  person 
tuPeekskill." 

"Land  o'  Goshen,"  sez  I,  "tu  my  mind  ther  ain't  much 
choice.  Who've  you  decided  ontu  ?" 

"Miss  Moriarty,"  sez  he. 

"Hey?"  sez  I. 

"Yes,"  sez  he,   "by  a  bushel  full." 

' '  Du  tell, "  sez  I.      ' '  Why,  she's  middlin'  aged. ' 

Sez  he,  ' '  P'raps  she  ain't  so  young  as  some,  but  then  she's 
got  more  dignitude,  and  she's  fatter,  and  when  she's  drest  in  her 
go-tu-meetin's,  she  shines  most." 

"Shines?"  sez  I.      "Why,  I  could  shine  tu  ef  I  wore  bugles." 

"Bugles  or  not,  it's  what  I  call  queenly,"  sez  he. 

Arter  that  I  didn't  say  nuthin  ,  but  I  jest  shut  the  windy,  and 
shut  him  up,  and  packed  him  off  tu  bed. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  145 

There  warn't  nuthin'  more  said  between  us,  but  the  next  week 
you  may  judge  o'  my  emotions  when  I  heerd  how't  the  widdy 
was  goin'  tu  hire  old  Roster's  place.  'Twas  the  next  tu  Jona- 
than's, and  I  knowed  then,  jest  as  well  as  I  know  now,  that  her 
only  object  was  to  be  where  she  could  set  her  cap  at  him. 

Sez  I,  tu  myself,  "It's  well  fur  that  misguided  man  that 
she's  got  a  sister  fur  tu  purtect  him.  Ef  he  was  all  alone,  with- 
out nobody  of  the  wimmen  sect  tu  keep  an  eye  ontu  her,  she'd 
hev  him  in  a  month  ;  fur  men  is  weak-minded  critters.  Miss 
Dusenbury  and  them  designin'  members  o'  the  sect  can  come 
round  'em  in  the  most  surprisin'  manner ;  and  the  older  they  be 
the  softer  they  be,  seems  tu  me,  like  mush-melons. " 

Well,  of  course,  the  minnit  Miss  Moriarty  come  down  she 
run  over  tu  see  me,  and  said  how't  we,  bein'  such  near  neigh- 
bors, must  be  sociable,  and  how't  me  and  my  brother  must 
come  in  often. 

"Thank  ye,"  sez  I,  "I'll  come ;  but  Jonathan  ain't  no  great 
o'  a  visitor,  'tain't  likely  I  could  persuade  him. " 

She  tried  tu  grin,  but  I  could  see  she  was  awful  discomfisca- 
ted. 

The  next  day  she  sent  over  tu  know  whether  Mr.  Grinder,  ef 
he  was  goin'  tu  market,  wouldn't  jest  drive  her  tu  town. 

I  knowed  he'd  jump  tu  du  it,  but  I  took  keer  not  tu  tell  him, 
and  sent  back  by  the  gal,  Mr.  Grinder  wasn't  a  goin,  but  how't 
Miss  Charity  would  stop  fur  her  in  the  gig  when  she  went  down. 

Bless  you,  when  I  got  there  the  critter  had  a  dretful  spell  o' 


J46  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

newralogy  intu  her  head  and  couldn't  go.      I  knowed  she 
wouldn't. 

Purty  soon  she  screeched  that  thar  was  a  snake  in  her  garding, 
and,  "Oh,  du  cum  and  save  me,  Mr.  Grinder." 

And  Jonathan  he  went  then.  Thar  warn't  no  stoppin'  him. 
But  I  pitched  on  my  shaker  and  went  tu.  Thar  was  a  moderate 
size  o'  an  earth  worm  on  the  path,  and  I'll  bet  ten  cents  she'd 
digged  that  up  a  purpose. 

Sez  she,    "Oh,  is  it  pisonous ?     Oh  !  oh  !" 

Sez  Jonathan,  "No  mum,  don't  be  alarmed,"  and  smashes  it 
with  his  bute  heel. 

"Oh!"  sez  she,  "you've  saved  my  life!"  and  faints  away, 
and  he  cotches  her. 

Up  marches  me  at  that,  and  takes  her  in  my  arms,  and  sez  I : 

"Now  you  clear  out,  Jonathan,"  sez  I.  "Twould  be  on- 
proper  fur  you  fur  tu  stay ;  I've  got  to  unhook  her. " 

She  comes  tu  at  that,  and  sez  she  : 

"Oh,  don't  go,  Mr.  Grinder!     I'm  better." 

Sez  I,   "She  hain't,  Jonathan;  you  go." 

And  he  scooted. 

'Twarn't  often  Miss  Moriarty  had  had  a  person  o'  my  detarmi- 
nation  o'  mind  tu  deal  with,  and  she  turned  acterly  green,  she 
\  was  so  mad. 

"Fetch  some  feathers  fur  tu  burn,"  sez  I,  "and  come  and 
slap  her  hands,  Betsey  Jane, "  that  was  the  help. 

But  Miss  Moriarty  she  sots  up,  and  sez  she  : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  147 

"No  matter,  thank  ye.  I'm  better.  Sorry  tu  hev  troubled 
ye." 

Sez  I,  "I  perceive  thar's  a  wonderful  improvement.  Good- 
mornin'/'  sez  I. 

Sez  she,    "Du  sot  longer." 

"No,"  sez  I,  "obliged  tu  ye.  My  brother  don't  approve  o' 
wimmin  gadding.  So  I  endeavor  tu  be  intu  my  own  hum  as 
much  as  possible." 

She  bows  and  grins,  and  away  I  goes,  and  Jonathan  was  a  set- 
tin'  ontu  our  porch  a  waitin'  fur  me. 

Sez  he,    "Is  she  better?" 

Sez  I,  "She  warn't  never  nun  the  wuss,  so  you  needn't  fid- 
get" 

And  he  shet  his  head. 

Arter  that  the  widder  let  us  alone ;  and  when  I  come  away 
she  hadn't  spoke  tu  him  fur  a  month.  Didn't  expect  she  would, 
fur  she  was  makin'  her  best  endivors  fur  tu  ketch  Capting  Crump, 
o'  the  tavern.  And  even  widdys  can't  marry  two  tu  the  same 
time  without  being  subpoenaed  fur  burglary. 

Well,  I'd  been  in  York  quite  a  spell,  when  one  day  there 
came  a  letter  tu  me,  directed  ' '  in  haste ;"  and  when  I  opened 
it,  'twas  from  our  help,  Eveliny  Buckstaver,  and  the  contents 
was  sich  that  I  acterelly  thought  I'd  keel  over  : 

"I  take  up  my  pen  in  hand,"  says  the  faithful  critter,  "fur 
tu  have  the  pleasure  of  apprising  you  how't  she's  cotch't  him  at 
last.  Oh,  why  did  you  leave  him,  Miss  Charity  ?  fur  what's  only 
a  help,  when  it  comes  to  widders,  and  she  says,  when  you  say 


148  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

he's  out,  'No  matter,  I'll  wait.'  They're  tu  be  married  a  Mon- 
day next,  fur  he  proposed  the  question  tu  her  in  our  own  back 
parlor — I  had  my  eye  tu  the  keyhole — and  she  sez,  sez  she, 
'Yes,'  sez  she;  'fur,'  sez  she,  ' my  feelin's  is  o' that  reciprocal 
natur  that  I  can't  say  no.  But, 'sez  she,  'what,'  sez  she,  'will 
your  sister,  Miss  Charity,  say?'  sez  she.  'Oh,'  sez  he — them's 
the  actual  words,  miss — 'Oh,'  sez  he,  'who  in  thunder  keers 
what  she  sez  ?'  sez  he.  Then  he  kissed  her ;  and  fur  the  love  o' 
goodness  gracious  sakes  alive,  come  home  immediate,  fur,  true 
as  you  live,  she'll  hev  him  Monday  ef  you  don't.  Yours,  with 
the  greatest  of  respects,  EVELINY  BUCKSTAVER. 

"P.  S.— Hurry,  and  oblige  E.  B." 

That  night  I  was  up  tu  Peekskill. 

When  I  got  hum,  land  o'  liberty !  ef  the  front  door  warn't 
painted  green  and  the  hall  wall  papered,  and  true  as  you  live, 
the  parlor  was  fixed  up  with  a  new  carpet,  and  there  was  teu  new 
gilt  vases  on  the  mantletry. 

I  gin  one  look  and  marched  up  stairs,  and  there  was  Jonathan 
jest  puttin'  a  new  suit  o'  clothes — white  pants  and  vest — intu  his 
bureau. 

He  shook  all  over  when  I  looked  at  him  and  sot  down. 

Sez  I,    "What's  this  I  hear?" 

Sez  he,    "Haow?" 

Sez  I,  "You  know  what  I'm  alludin' tu.  Be  you  goin'  tu 
git  married  or  not  ?" 

"Wall,"  sez  he,    "I  be." 

"At  your  age?"  sez  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  149 

' '  Better  late  than  never, "  sez  he. 

"Deceivin'  o'  me,"  sez  I. 

"Wall,"  sez  he,  "I  hain't  no  patience  with  rows,  and  I 
thought  I'd  do  it  slick  and  quiet. " 

"Oh,"  sez  I,  "it's  for  this  I've  darned  your  socks,  is  it? — 
and  made  yer  things  and  kep'  house  fur  ye  ?  Ye're  a  disgrace  tu 
the  men  sect.  You've  hed  the  priveliges  o'  female  serciety  and 
never  knowed  what  'twas  tu  lose  a  button,  and  you  must  marry 
a  widdy — a  freckled,  red-haired  critter " 

"A  lot  better  lookin'  than  you  be,"  sez  he. 

"Hey?"  sez  I, 

"Or  ever  will  be,  or  ever  was,"  sez  he. 

Then  I  flowed  at  him  and  scratched  at  his  phizmahogany. 
Twarn't  behavin'  with  my  usual  dignitude,  but  I  was  exaspera- 
ted. 

Sez  I,  "Jonathan  Grinder,"  sez  I,  "ef  you  think  how't  I'm 
goin'  fur  tu  play  second  fiddle  where  I've  played  fust  so  long, 
you're  mistaken.  You  can't  marry  that  humly  critter. " 

' '  How're  you  goin'  ter  perwent  it  ?"  sez  he.      "I'm  engaged. " 

Sez  I,   "No  matter— I  will. " 

He  sot  quite  still,  and  arter  a  while  sez  he  : 

' '  Come,  Charity — you  know  you'll  allers  be  welcome  here — 
du  be  friendly. " 

I  didn't  say  nuthin'.  From  that  minnit  on  I  never  spoke  tu 
him.  'Twas  a  Friday  night  Never  said  a  word  Saturday  nor 
Sunday.  He  went  over  to  call  on  the  widdy  Sunday,  and  warn't 


1 50  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

hum  till  twelve.     I  never  took  no  notice  o'  it     I  was  a  maturin, 
o'  a  plan  tu  save  him. 

Arter  tea  I  told  Eveliny  what  'twas,  and  got  her  tu  help  me. 
Jonathan  is  an  amazin'  heavy  sleeper  when  he  gets  a  goin' — 
snores  like  a  steam  injin — and  so  I  warn't  afeared  o'  wakin'  him. 
I  went  intu  his  room  and  I  got  out  o'  the  chest  o'  drawers  and 
places  every  livin'  article  o'  rayment  the  deluded  critter  had  tu 
his  back — his  shoes,  and  butes,  and  everything,  only  jest  his 
dressin'-gownd — and  I  packs  'em  in  a  crockery  crate,  and  me 
and  Eveliny  takes  it  and  puts  it  down  cellar,  and  piles  things 
ontu  it  and  fixes  it  so't  no  mortal  could  diskiver  it,  and  then  we 
retired  tu  our  peaceful  slumbers,  rectified  by  the  knowledge  how't 
we'd  saved  a  human  bein'  from  the  snares  o'  wickedness. 

Didn't  wake  up  until  broad  daylight,  and  then  'twas  with  the 
awfullest  yellin'.  I  went  out,  and  there  was  Jonathan  intu  his 
dressin'-gownd  and  gray  worsted  stockin's,  and  sez  he  : 

"I've  been  robbed,  Charity;  I  hain't  a  rag  !  Oh,  murdera- 
tion,  what  shall  I  du  ?  Holler  thieves  !  holler  fire !  Go  and 
catch  'em  !  Murder  !  help  !  Oh,  Jehoshaphat !" 

Sez  I,  cool  as  a  cucumber,  ' '  Tis  onfortunate,  on  this  here 
pertickler  occasion." 

Sez  he,   ' '  Oh,  du  you  know  where  they  be  ?" 

' '  Where  you  won't  find  'em, "  sez  I. 

"Oh,"  sez  he,  "have  mercy,"  sez  he.  "Tell  me  where 
they  be,"  sez  he.  "They're  tu  be  tu  church  tu  ten." 

"Ah!"  sez  I. 

"Oh,"  sez  he,   "I'll  present  ye  with  the  elegantest  o'  gowld 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  151 

watches,  and  two  silk  gownds,  and  a  bunnit ;  only  tell  me  where 
the  weddin'  suit  is !" 

"Thank  ye,"  sez  I,   "I  kin  afford  tu  dress  myself." 

Sez  he,  "  I'll  pay  you  anything  you  ask.  Jest  say  what  you'll 
take." 

Sez  I,  ' '  My  own  way,  Jonathan,  without  thankin'  you.  I 
said  you  shouldn't  be  married  tu  that  widder." 

Sez  he,    " I'll  go  so." 

Sez  I,    "Ef  you  like." 

Then  he  went  onter  his  knees  and  begged  o'  me. 

Sez  I,  "I'm  only  thinkin'  o'  yer  own  good.  I  ain't  tu  be 
moved,  no  more'n  the  old  hoss  chestnut  yonder. " 

Then  he  went  tarin'  round,  huntin'.  But  o'  course  he  couldn't 
find  'em.  I  never  seen  nobody  in  such  a  rage.  Old  fools  is 
the  wust  fools. 

Eveliny  shet  herself  up  in  the  garret,  so's  not  tu  see  him,  and 
I  was  tremblin'  fur  fear  somebody  would  come  tu  the  door,  but 
nobody  didn't. 

Ten  o'clock  come,  and  Jonathan  did  start  in  his  dressin'- 
gownd,  but  he  only  went  as  fur  as  the  gate. 

We  hed  an  awful  time,  but,  thanks  tu  marsy,  nobody  didn't 
come  a  near  us,  and  when  tea  time  come  I  felt  safe. 

"Run  over  tu  the  widdy's,"  said  I  tu  Eveliny,  "and  peek  in 
and  find  out  what  has  become  o'  the  critter." 

The  gal  went 

When  she  come  back,  sez  she  : 

"Miss  Moriarty  is  intu  highstrikes,  and  her  uncle  is  usin'  o' 


152  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

profane  langwidge,  and  threatenin'  tu  murder  Mr.  Grinder,  and 
the  minister  hes  gone  ten  mile  tu  preach  a  funeral." 

"All  safe,"  sez  I.  "We  kin  let  the  deluded  critter  hev  his 
things." 

So  we  fetched  'em  up.  Never  heerd  him  swear  afore.  Shows 
what  widders  influences  is. 

Well,  he  was  jest  gettin'  intu  somethings  when  there  was  a 
banging  at  the  front  door.  I  opens  it,  and  in  comes  the  wid- 
der's  uncle  with  a  horsewhip  intu  his  hand,  and  sez  he  : 

"Where's  Mr.  Grinder?" 

"Up  stairs,"  sez  I. 

"Is  he  ill — dangerously  ill  ?"  sez  he. 

"Never  better  as  tu  health,"  sez  I. 

Jonathan  hears  the  voice  and  down  he  comes. 

"Sir,"  sez  the  uncle,  "what  do  you  mean  by  this  here  in- 
famous conduct?"  sez  he.  "You  are  no  gentleman,"  sez  he. 
' '  Explain, "  sez  he. 

Sez  Jonathan,  "  Twarn't  my  fault,  colonel.  I  swan  tu  man 
'twarn't  my  fault  I — I  couldn't  find  my  butes  and  things. " 

The  colonel  he  didn't  wait  for  no  more. 

"  Couldn't  find  your  butes,  hey?"  sez  he.  "  Feel  mine,"  sez 
he. 

And  he  gin  Jonathan  a  hist,  and  then  begun  a  floggin'  o'  him. 

Me  and  Eveliny  held  ontu  his  coat  tails,  but  'twas  like  holdin' 
ontu  them  of  an  elephant  He  jist  set  us  spinnin'  as  ef  we 
hadn't  no  more  heft  than  a  fly,  and  before  we  marched  away  we 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  153 

was  all  lyin'  fur  dead  in  the  hall.  Jonathan,  groanin',  I  was  in 
highstrikes,  and  Eveliny  in  spasms. 

I  staid  up  tu  Peekskill  until  Wednesday.  Then  I  come  down 
agin  tu  York  tu  finish  my  visitin' ;  but  afore  I  left  the  widdy 
had  constituted  a  case  o'  breach  o'  promise  o'  marriage  agin 
Jonathan,  and  every  lady  said  she'd  get  the  verdick. 

So  there  hain't  no  danger  o'  her  now,  and  I  reckon  Jonathan 
won't  think  o'  marryin'  fur  a  spell  yet,  so  I'm  here.  My  things 
is  comin'  up  by  a  boy,  and  I'm  goin'  tu  stay  a  week.  How's 
the  family,  and  how  are  you  ?  And  don't  hurry  yourself — but 
these  events  has  so  conglomerated  my  nerves  that  I  feel  obligated 
tu  ask  ye  how  soon  ye're  goin'  tu  hev  dinner. 


154  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  NINETEEN. 

MISS   GRINDER    EATS    HER   PECK   OF   DIRT. 

Don't  say  nuthin',  Emma  Jane.  I've  been  hevin'  the  awful- 
lest  time.  Wish  tu  marcy  I  hadn't  never  left  Peekskill.  York 
folks  is  the  dirtiest  critters  born,  and  them  Peelers  is  the  nastiest 
o'  the  bilin'.  Talk  about  your  peck  o'  dirt  I've  had  it  in  one 
mess.  Augh  1  It  riles  me  tu  think  on't  Du  give  me  suthin' 
to  settle  me.  Augh  1 

Never,  no  never,  so  long  as  I'm  a  livin'  sinner,  will  I  go  to  see 
Volumny  Peeler.  It's  as  much  as  a  body's  life's  worth.  You 
wouldn't  think  it  tu  look  at  the  house,  fur  they  take  great 
airs.  The  heft  o'  the  dirt's  down  kitchen.  I  went  down  there 
once,  and  found  the  help  a  polishin'  the  tumblers  with  her 
apron,  and  warn't  anxious  to  go  agin.  I  begun  to  suspect  then 
what  I  found  out  arterwards,  fur  I  ain't  told  you  the  worst  by  a 
good  deal. 

Volumny  is  quite  young,  and  so's  her  pardner.  They've  got 
a  couple  o'  children,  and  two  aunts  o'  his'n  live  with  'em.  One 
is  a  dredful  fleshy  old  lady.  T'other  thin  as  a  rail.  The  fleshy 
one  is  Aunt  Partheny ;  she's  got  suthin'  the  matter  with  her  feet 
Some  days  she  can't  only  wear  Mr.  Peeler's  slippers.  And  the 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  155 

thin  one  is  Aunt  Mirandy ;  she's  got  a  glass  eye.  As  a  gineral 
thing,  she  don't  wear  it  only  when  she's  dressed  fur  company. 
Both  on  'em  is  intilectable.  Miss  Partheny  goes  in  fur  wim- 
min's  rights;  and  Miss  Mirandy  write's  fur  the  "Youth's  Advi- 
ser. " 

They  hev  a  way  o'  turnin'  up  their  noses  at  other  folks,  and  I 
can't  say  I  took  a  notion  tu  'em.  But  Volumny  was  head  o' 
the  house,  and  she  was  quite  a  sociable  critter,  besides  adorin' 
me.  As  fur  Mr.  Peeler,  he's  a  temprancer ;  won't  hev  no  spirit- 
ual lickers  drunk  under  his  ruff,  and  considers  beer  a  pisen. 
Poor  Volumny  can't  even  put  no  brandy  in  her  mince  meat. 

Now,  as  a  beveridge,  I  never  touch  nuthin' ;  but  I'm  obliged 
tu  keep  myself  from  sinkin',  now  and  then,  by  a  little  as  a  medi- 
cine. Water  floats  on  my  stummick — so  I  ain't  tu  be  blamed. 
And  after  I'd  been  in  Volumny's  quite  a  spell  I  begun  to  feel 
kinder  faintish. 

Thinks  me — this  here  teetotal  talk  ain't  mebbe  jest  what  it 
sounds.  I  know  I've  smelt  sumthin'  in  Miss  Partheny 's  room, 
and  I  ain't  Charity  Grinder  ef  I  don't  find  out  what  it  is.  I  al- 
ways was  a  cute  one,  and  secrets  ain't  tu  be  kept  from  me. 

If  Peeler  is  a  temprancer,  Partheny  isn't. 

That  was  about  seven  o'clock  Sunday  evenin'.     It  come  intu 
my  head  like  a  streak  o'  lightening  and  I  jest  took  off  the  bun- , 
nit  I  was  puttin'  on  tu  go  tu  church. 

"I've  got  rather  of  a  headache,"  sez  I,  "and  think  I'll  stay 
tu  hum,  ef  you'll  excuse  me,  Partheny  ?" 


156  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Oh,  certainly,"  sezshe.  "I  suppose  you'll  find  suthin' tu 
amuse  you  ?" 

"Thank  ye,"  sez  I,    "I  shall." 

And  I  meant  tu. 

The  hull  o'  'em  went,  gal  and  all,  Mr.  and  Miss  Peeler,  tu 
the  Baptists'  meetin',  and  the  old  ladies  to  a  pecooliar  kind  o'  a 
meetin'  'us,  where  they  don't  approve  o'  one  person  preachin', 
but  all  speak  in  turns. 

So  the  house  was  shut  up  with  only  me  and  the  cat,  and  I 
begun  tu  look  intu  things.  Purty  soon  I  found  what  I  wanted. 
There  was  a  bottle  in  Partheny's  closet,  and  in  the  bottle  there 
was  whisky.  I  felt  awful  faint  that  night,  so  I  made  myself  a 
glass  and  went  tu  bed — tickled  tu  think  how  I'd  found  out  the 
old  critter. 

Arter  that,  whenever  I  felt  faint,  and  knowd  Partheny  was  out 
o'  the  way,  I  nat'rally  helped  myself. 

About  a  week  from  then  it  blew  up  awful  cold,  and  I  caught 
a  influenzy. 

There  ain't  nuthin'  fur  the  influenzy  like  toddy ;  so,  while  the 
family  was  down  stairs  at  tea-time,  I  made  some  kind  o'  an  ex- 
cuse and  got  away.  'Twas  quite  dark,  and  there  warn't  no  glass 
in  my  room,  but  I  found  one,  half  full  o'  water,  in  Miss  Miran- 
dy's,  and  jest  managed  to  get  a  drop  o'  spirits  out  o'  Partheny's 
bottle  and  back  to  my  own  room  before  I  heard  the  old  ladies 
comin'  up. 

Seein'  I  had  a  cold,  I  mixed  more'n  usual  and  swallered  it 
down.  Land  o'  Goshen,  how  skeered  I  was!  There  wassuth- 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  157 

in'  in  the  glass  as  hard  as  a  bone,  and  I  come  near  chokin'  tu 
'death  with  it  I  was  black  in  the  face,  I  know,  but  I  wouldn't 
holler  fur  fear  o'  bein'  found  out.  It  went  down  at  last,  and  I 
came  out  o'  my  room,  and  was  goin'  down  stairs,  when  I  heard 
Miss  Mirandy  jawin'  away  tu  the  gal : 

"You  hev,"  sez  she. 

"I  hain't,"  sez  the  gal. 

"I  left  it  here,"  sez  she. 

"I  hain't  seen  it,"  sez  the  gal. 

"What's  the  matter?"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,  "  I've  lost  my  glass  eye.  I  allus  put  it  in  a  tumbler 
o'  water  on  the  table,  and  there  it  was  an  hour  ago.  She's 
moved  it." 

I  begun  to  turn  sick. 

"This  here  table?"  sez  I. 

"Jest  here,"  sez  she. 

And  that  was  the  place  I'd  got  my  glass  from  ;  and  I  knowed 
as  well  as  I  know  now,  I'd  swallowed  Miss  Mirandy's  glass  eye. 

"Oh  !"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,    ' '  What's  the  matter  ?" 

"I'm  kinder  faintish,"  sez  I. 

And  out  I  goes.  Miss  Partheny's  door  was  open,  and  I  run 
in. 

"Excuse  me,"  sez  I,  "but  I  turned  so  sick  I  hev  tu  sit 
down." 

She  sat  me  a  cheer,  and  sez  she  : 

"  Excuse  my  continuing  fur  tu  do  this." 


158  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

SezI,   "Sartainly." 

And  then  I  saw  she  was  a  bathin'  her  feet.  She  had  a  basin 
and  she  had  a  bottle.  It  was  the  bottle  I  had  diskivered,  a  kind 
o'  flat  one. 

Sez  she,   "  I'm  ordered  fur  tu  bathe  'em  in  whisky." 

"Oh,"  sez  I. 

"Yes,"  sez  she. 

"It  must  come  expensive,"  sez  I. 

"Not  very,"  sez  she. 

I  jest  watched  her.  There  was  a  tin  funnel  on  the  table,  and 
I  wondered  what  that  was  for.  I  didn't  wonder  long ;  for  oh, 
Emma  Jane  !  when  that  nasty  critter  had  bathed  her  feet,  and 
wiped  'em,  and  put  on  her  shoes  and  stockins,  she  jest  took  the 
funnel  and  put  it  in  the  bottle,  and  pitched  the  whisky  through 
it  agin. 

I  screeched  out 

She  laughed. 

Sez  I,   ' '  What  air  you  doin',  for  the  love  o'  goodness  ?" 

Sez  she,    ' '  I  allers  du  it  for  tu  save. " 

"Aliens?"  sez  I. 

"Until  it's  tu  dirty,"  sez  she. 

1 '  How  often  hev  you  changed  this  ?"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  she,    "about  ten  times,  I  guess." 

I  got  up  and  tried  to  go,  but  'twas  tu  dreadful.  I  keeled 
over,  and  gin  myself  up  to  spasms. 

She  screeched  and  fetched  the  rest,  and  somehow  in  my  agony 
o'  terror  I  let  the  hull  out  I  got  the  essense  o'  Miss  Partheny's 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  159 

feet  and  Miss  Mirandy's  eye  in  me  both  together,  and  I  didn't 
keer  fur  nuthin'  else  jest  then. 

Well,  I  called  'em  dirty  critters,  and  they  answered  back. 
And  Volumny  took  their  parts,  and  Peeler  begun  a  temprance 
lectur,  and  the  very  next  mornin'  I  cum  away ;  and  here  I  am. 
Shouldn't  wonder  ef  I  died,  though  I'm  goin'  to  take  sassafrax 
by  the  gallon,  tu  try  tu  git  the  eye  and  them  feet  out  o'  my  blud, 
where  I'm  sure  they've  gone. 


160  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  TWENTY. 

CHARITY      GOES       A      MAYING. 

You  mustn't  think  hard  o'  me,  Penelopy  Jane,  fur  not  hevin' 
bin  here  before.  I've  bin  helpin'  Mandy  and  her  par  tu  move, 
or  I  should  a  bin 

Don't  you  know  'em  ?  Lor  !  why  they're  fust  chop  for  gen- 
tility. He's  one  o'  the  fust  o'  Intelligence  Office  Keeper's,  and 
Mandy 's  ma's  pa  was  a  gentleman  boss  butcher. 

Miss  Floger  would  ha'  bin  Mrs.  Floger  ef  he'd  a  thought 
'twas  any  use  tu  step  up  tu  me.  He  knowed  'twarn't,  though  ; 
'twas  purty  well  knowed  in  Peekskill  how't  I  hadn't  no  great  o' 
an  opinion  o'  the  men  sect. 

"Well,  shes  gone,  and  Amandy  is  purty  well  growed  up. 
Takes  arter  her  pa,  and  ain't  a  mite  good-lookin',  nuther.  She 
ain't  no  gret  o'  a  housekeeper ;  sweeps  up  behind  the  grate-pans 
and  tucks  rubbish  inter  the  pantrys,  and  the  help  is  nat  rally 
them  he  can't  git  rid  of  tu  the  Intelligence  Office,  and  don't  turn 
out  partic'larly  well.  They  hev  one  a  week,  and  while  I  was 
there  the  fust  got  tfpsy  and  was  blowed  up  along  of  a  kerosene 
lamp,  and  the  second  walked  off  in  Mandy 's  bunnit,  and  the 
third  was  sich  a  dirty  critter  that  the  wonder  is  mushrooms  didn't 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  161 

grow  in  the  dirt  on  the  kitching  table.  'Twas  thick  enough, 
goodness  knows,  and  the  place  was  damp  enough.  'Twas  the 
damp  decided  'em  to  move  a  fust  o'  May. 

"Movin'  is  a  terrible  job,  Miss  Grinder,"  sez  he;  "'specially 
when  there  ain't  nobody  o'  experience  tu  manage  the  goin's  on. " 

"Lor!"  sez  I,  "it  must  be,"  sez  I.  "But  don't  you  fidget, 
Mr.  Floger ;  I'll  stay  and  help. " 

He  looked  at  me  with  the  most  touchin'  expression  o'  grati- 
tude, and  sez  he : 

"Miss  Grinder,  I  shall  be  deeply  thankful." 

Oilers  was  a  polite  man  from  his  youth. 

So  I  staid ;  and  it's  well  I  did.  Dunno  what  on  airth  that 
poor  critter  would  a  done  ef  I  hadn't,  for  Mandy  ain't  no  more 
use  than  a  tree-toad. 

They  tried  fur  to  get  in  before  the  fust  o'  May,  but  the  family 
that  was  a  goin'  out,  where  they  was  goin',  didn't  want  to  go, 
and  insisted  how't  they  wouldn't  budge  until  twelve  o'clock  May 
day.  When  Mr.  Floger  heard  that  he  jest  tugged  at  his  hair — 
hain't  none  too  much,  neither — and  sez  he  : 

"Desperation  1" 

"Why,  what's  the  matter?"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,    "Ever  moved  in  New  York  on  May  day?" 

"No,"  sez  I. 

"  Wait  and  see, "  sez  he.      "Wait  and  see!     Ah,  ha!" 

"  Du  tell,"  sez  I.      "What  on  airth  ?" 

Sez  he,    "It  oilers  rains." 

Sez  I,    "The  almanac  sez  'Sot  fair.'" 


1 62  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"No  matter,"  sezhe,  "it  will.  Next  place  the  carters  charge 
you  double,  and  don't  come  when  they  promise,  at  that  You 
get  mixed  up  with  folks  comin'  in  and  the  folks  goin'  out  get 
mixed  up  with  you,  and  the  heft  o'  the  things  is  smashed,  and 
what  ain't  smashed  is  lost,  and  you  don't  hev  nothin'  tu  eat, 
and  you  hev  tu  sleep  up  chimbly  on  a  mattress,  and  you  can't 
find  soap  or  towels,  or  toothbrushes,  and  you  can't  get  to  rights 
until  you've  had  whitewash  people  and  scrubbing  people  to 
make  the  place  sloppy,  and  the  carpets  won't  fit,  and  there's  no 
room  for  the  bedstead. " 

Then  he  kinder  groaned  and  stopped. 

Sez  I,    "Things  sha'n't  be  so  this  time." 

Sez  he,    "Bless  you  ef  they  ain't,  but  I  don't  believe  it" 

Poor  man  !  I  felt  tu  pity  him.  How  he  needs  a  wife.  It's 
his  bounden  duty  fur  to  espunge  some  competent  person  o'  ex- 
perience fur  to  direct  his  household. 

Amandy,  I  must  say,  ain't  like  her  pa.  She  don't  appreciate 
me.  She  ain't  as  much  obleeged  fur  my  endeavors  to  sot  things 
right  as  she'd  orter.  But  I  allude  it  to  her  ignorance,  and  pity 
her.  I  staid,  though  she  as  much  as  told  me  there  warn't  no 
need  until  the  fust  come. 

We'd  packed  a'most  everything,  and  we'd  cleared  out  the  base- 
ment fur  the  Jones  folks,  poor  critters.  They  was  movin'  where 
we  was  quittin',  because  Mr.  Jones  hadn't  only  a  thousand  a 
year,  and  the  landlord  had  riz  their  rent  tu  two  thousand. 

Never  felt  so  sorry  fur  nobody  as  I  did  fur  her.  I  took  lunch 
with  her.  Her  brother  was  a  sea  cappen,  and  she  had  lots  o1 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  163 

nice  furrin  things  in  jars,  and  quite  kep  her  sperrits  up,  poof 
thing,  tellin'  her  how  damp  the  house  was,  and  what  a  bad  neigh- 
borhood 'twas,  and  cetery. 

By  the  time  I  was  through  our  carts  had  come,  and  I  run  up 
stairs. 

"Now,  Mandy,"  sez  I,  "you  cut  round  tu  the  new  house 
and  be  there  to  receive  the  things. " 

"Well,"  sez  she,  " sence  you've  took  matters  in  hand  I  s'pose 
I  might  as  well. " 

Critter  was  as  mad  as  hop,  though. 

Off  she  went,  and  me  and  Mr.  Floger  staid. 

The  cartmen  was  mostly  Irish,  and  the  way  o'  movin'  was  tu 
wedge  tables  and  things  tight  intu  doorways  and  then  holler  that 
they  wouldn't  go  through,  and  then  Mr.  Floger  had  tu  go  tu 
work  and  argy  that  what  had  went  in  would  go  out 

At  last  sez  he,  "I  must  help  'em,"  and  off  he  peels  his  coats, 
and  hangs  'em  on  a  nail,  and  sez  he  : 

"Be  keerful  o'  them  coats,  Miss  Grinder." 

"O'  course,"  sez  I ;  and  I  kep  an  eye  on  'em." 

Purty  soon  one  load  was  on,  and  off  he  went  with  it,  carryin' 
a  clock,  and  perched  up  in  front  in  his  shirt  sleeves. 

I  hollered  tu  him,  but  he  didn't  hear,  and  I  sot  down  on  a 
feather  bed  tu  wait  until  the  carts  came  back. 

Land  o'  liberty,  how  tejus  it  was  ! 

Wall,  I  hadn't  sot  there  long,  when  I  seen  a  man  gettin'  over 
the  balcony  rails.  He  was  a  young  feller,  with  a  head  o'  black 
hair  close  tu  his  head,  as  ef  it  had  been  chawed  down  by  some 


1 64  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Sid  cow,  and  at  fust  I  didn't  like  his  looks.  But  when  I  hollered 
out,  "  What  du  you  want  ?"  sez  he,  "The  gentleman  that's  jest 
gone  off  sent  me. " 

"Oh,"  sez  I.      "Who  be  you  !" 

"The  confidential  help,"  sez  he. 

"Hey?"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,    ' '  Mebbe  you're  a  stranger  in  York  ?" 

"I  be,"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "you  know,  mum,  cartmen  is  so  dishonest 
that  'tain't  safe  tu  trust  the  wallyables  tu  'em,  so  them  that  is 
prudent  employs  us.  We're  warranted  honest  by  the  Tract  So- 
ciety, and  is  all  highly  respectable  young  men. " 

"How  looks  will  deceive!"  sez  I. 

"Yes'm,"  sez  he. 

"So  Mr.  Floger  sent  you?"  sez  I. 

"Yes'm,"  sez  he.  "Mr.  Floger  said  fur  you  tu  send  every- 
thing wallyable  by  me. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,    "there's  the  pianner." 

"Oh,"  sez  he,  "yes'm;  but  you  see  I  mean  small  things. 
I'd  be  glad  enough, "  sez  he,  ' '  tu  take  the  pianner,  only  I  ain't 
hed  the  strength  bestowed  on  me.  I  think,"  sez  he,  "the  gen- 
tleman mentioned  stiver." 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  and  I  fetches  a  basket.  "The  forks,  and 
spoons,  and  cake-basket,  and  teapot  is  here.  Don't  joggle  'em 
to  scratch  'em.  I'll  put  this  here  photography  album  intu  it, 
tu, "  sez  I ;  "  and  there's  a  lot  o'  damask  napkins.  Kin  you 
carry  any  more  ?" 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS,  165 

"  Yes'm,"  sez  he. 

"Then  here's  the  mantelry  ornamentations,"  sez  I.  "They 
cost  a  lot,  so  be  keerful.  And  I  tell  you  what  yu  du — jest  take 
these  coats  on  your  arm,  and  tell  Mr.  Floger  to  put  'em  on. 
The  dear  man  will  catch  his  death  in  his  shirt  sleeves. 

He  took  the  coats. 

"I'm  afeered  you'll  find  them  things  heavy,"  sez  I. 

"No'm,"  sez  he;  "and  ef  they  air,  I'm  thankful  tu  exert  my 
strength.  I  wish,"  sez  he,  "I  could  take  the  hull  that's  here 
— I  du,  indeed." 

Off  he  went,  and  I  sot  down  agin  tu  think  what  an  excellent 
young  man  he  must  be,  and  while  I  was  thinkin'  back  comes  the 
carts — Mr.  Floger  on  one  o'  em  in  his  shirt  sleeves  yet  He 
comes  into  the  room,  and  sez  he  : 

"I'm  chilled  tu  death.  Shouldn't  wonder  ef  I'd  hev  fever  an' 
ager.  Where's  my  coats?" 

"  Land  o' liberty  !"  sez  I,  "you've  passed  the  help.  I  sent 
'em  by  him." 

"What  help?"  sez  he. 

"The  confidential  help  recommended  by  the  Tract  Society," 
sez  I. 

He  sot  down,  and  sez  he  : 

' '  Who  sent  him,  Mandy  ?" 

"He  said  you  did,"  sez  I.  "I've  giv  him  the  silver,  and 
manteltry  ornaments,  and  your  coats,  and  two  dozen  o'  damask 
napkins.  So  I  hope  it's  all  right" 


1 66  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Yes,"  sez  he,  "all  right — quite  right  Only  what  I  ex- 
pected— you've  gin  'em  tu  a  thief. " 

I  went  intu  highstrikes. 

My  feelin's  was  past  description ;  but  Amandy  Floger  actually 
said  how't  ef  I  hadn't  bothered  round  it  wouldn't  a  happened. 
She  said,  tu,  how't  the  bottom  o'  the  barril  I'd  packed  the  best 
chany  in  comin'  out  and  smashin'  everything  tu  flinder,  was  my 
fault,  and  attributed  the  handles  o'  the  fryin'-pan  goin'  through 
the  eye  o'  Miss  Floger — her  pictur,  I  mean — tu  me. 

'Twarn't  pleasant  tu  see  her  exhibit  such  an  unchristian  tem- 
per, so  I  left  until  they  got  cleaned  up,  and  was  heving  reg'lar 
dinners  agin. 

I  shall  go  tu  see  'em,  however,  agin,  for  though  Amandy  is  a 
disagreeable,  sot  up  piece,  I  highly  respect  her  pa.  He'd  orter 
unite  himself  with  a  second  pardener  o'  the  highest  respectabil- 
latude  and  economy,  that  would  see  tu  things  fur  him ;  don't 
you  think  so,  Penelopy  Jane  ?  The  only  objection  I  hev  tu  goin' 
there  is,  that  he's  a  widdiwer,  and  folks  o'  narrer  minds  might 
say  I  wanted  fur  tu  catch  him. 

Folks  that  knows  me  through,  knows  the  way  I've  always  re- 
garded the  men  sect,  and  that  I'm  above  it.  Guess  so. 

Jest  a  cup  o'  tea,  and  some  muffins,  and  jelly.  Don't  put 
yourself  out  fur  me,  Penelopy. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  167 


NUMBER  TWENTY-ONE. 

CHARITY      BECOMES      A       VICTIM. 

Eveliny  Buckstaver,  what  I  fetched  up,  and  rectified  her  man- 
ners and  her  morals  myself — that  I  thought  was  the  moralest 
young  woman  I  knowed.  Eveliny  Buckstaver,  that  went  and 
warned  me  o'  the  doin's  o'  the  Widder  Moriarty.  She  that  helped 
me  to  discomfiscate  the  snares  o'  a  designin'  female,  and  has 
said,  a  dozen  times  and  more:  "Oh,  Miss  Grinder,  how  any 
female  o'  common  sense  kin  unite  herself  tu  a  member  o'  the 
men  sect,  I  can't  diskiver. "  She  that's  said  them  words  as  ef  she 
meant  'em.  Why,  it's  enough  tu  make  any  indiwiddle's  hair 
stand  on  eend.  Mine  riz  up  like  wires  when  I  fust  knowed  it. 

Last  Saturday,  while  I  was  a-settin'  in  Mirandy's  parlor,  there 
come  a  knock  at  the  door,  and  the  help  comes  in,  and  sez  she  : 

"There's  a  person  tu  the  door  wants  tu  see  Miss  Grinder,  by 
the  name  o'  Eveliny  Buckstaver." 

"  Lor ! "  sez  I.      "  Eveliny !     Well,  show  her  in. " 

In  she  comes  and  I  shakes  hands.  (Oh,  the  nasty,  yaller, 
scrawny  critter,  how  she  deceived  me  !)  And  sez  she  : 

"  How  are  ye,  Miss  Grinder?" 

"Tu  be  crawlin',"  sez  I.      "What  fetches  you  down?" 


1 68  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Oh  !"  sez  she,  "nuthin'  much.  I  axed  Mr.  Jonathan  ef  I 
mout  come.  Thought,  seein'  you  was  tu  York,  you'd  go  a 
shoppin'  with  me.  York-boughten  things  is  considerable  supe- 
rior tu  them  tu  Peekskill. " 

"Sartinly,  I  will,"  sez  I ;   "and  what  you'd  do  in  this  awful 
city  I  dunno  ef  you  hadn't  a  pusson  o'  experience  tu  show  you 
its  perils.      Yes,  Eveliny,  I'll  shop  with  you. " 
=So  I  did. 

"  How's  Jonathan  ?"  sez  I,  when  we  was  out  on  the  street 

Sez  she,    "Purty  middlin'." 

"Is  he  dejected  consarnin'  the  widdy  ?"  sez  I. 

"Oh,  Lor',  no  !"  sez  she.      "'Twarn't  only  skin-deep." 

"Does  she  come  arter  him?"  sez  I. 

"Not  she,"  sez  Eveliny. 

"I  heerd  she'd  got  the  case,"  sez  I. 

"So  she  has,"  says  Eveliny.      " But  she  won't  get  him. " 

Then  we  both  larfed,  fit  tu  kill  ourselves. 

-- 

"What  air  you  goin'  tu  buy?"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  she,  "a  gown,  and  a  shawl,  and  a  bunnit,  and 
fixin's.  I've  got  a  lot  o'  savin's." 

And  jest  as  she  said  that,  we  cum  to  a  store. 

It  was  one  o'  them  big  places  in  Broadway,  and  I  walks  up  tu 
one  o'  them  young  men,  and  sez  I : 

"See  here,  mister.  I've  fetched  you  a  new  customer.  Here's 
Eveliny  Buckstaver,  my  help,  that  I  fetched  up,  and  she's  goin' 
tu  buy  a  heap." 

He  grins,  and  sez  he : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  169 

"What  would  you  like  tu  see?" 

"A  silk,"  sez  Eveliny. 

"Lor7,"  sez  I,    "goin'  tu  make  a  splurge!" 

Sez  she,    ' '  I'd  ortu  hev  a  silk. " 

"Wall,"  sez  I,    "p'raps  so." 

The  young  man  sez?,    "A  black?" 

' '  No, "  sez  she  ;   ' '  that's  too  old-womanish. " 

He  fetches  out  a  blue,  and  a  red,  and  a  pink,  and  then  a  yal- 
ler,  and  a  brown.     He  said  the  brown  was  a  "queer"  color, 
thought  so  tu. 

"But,"  sez  Eveliny,  sez  she,    "I  want  suthin'  lighter." 

Out  he  fetches  some  more,  and  she  pitches  on  a  kind  of  a 
pearl. 

"Why,"  sez  I,    "  sho,  you  ain't  goin'  tu  get  that  />     Hain't  no 
wear  intu  it     You'll  hev  it  dyed  in  six  months. " 

Sez  she,    ' '  I  sha'n't  wear  it  often. " 

"Wall,"  sez  I,    "  fling  your  money  in  the  street,  ef  you  like. 
Tain't  my  advice." 

Well,  she  bought  the  dress,  and  the  linin',  and  the  buttons, 
and,  sez  she,    "I'll  see  a  shawl." 

When  the  young  man  heard  that,  he  sent  us  up  stairs,  and  ef 
Eveliny  didn't  buy  a  white  shawl. 

"  You  air  crazy, "  sez  I. 

"Oh,  no  I  ain't,"  sez  she. 

"You'll  look  like  a  bride,"  sez  I. 

"Oh,  get  out !"  sez  she. 

"You  will,"  sez  I. 


1 70  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"So  long  as  I  ain't,  1  don't  care,"  sez  she. 

Well,  then  she  bought  gloves  the  color  o'  her  dress,  and,  af- 
terward, a  white  bunnit  Perfectly  ridiculous  for  a  help ;  but 
she  only  laughed  when  I  said  so. 

I  felt  as  mad  as  a  meat-ax,  and  we  were  goin'  to  where  she 
was  a  stoppin' — she  larfin  and  me  a  givin'  it  to  her  well — when 
I  comes  bump  agin  somebody,  and,  land  o'  liberty,  'twas  Jona- 
than. 

"Why!"  sez  I. 

' '  'Tain't  you, "  sez  he.      ' '  Wall,  Eveliny  I" 

She  grins. 

"She's  ashamed  o'  herself.  Been  a  wastin'  o'  her  Money," 
sez  I.  "What  she's  bought  is  fit  for  a  bride." 

Sez  he,   "She'll  hev  tu  be  one,  and  wear  'em,  then." 

Sez  I,   "I  hope  she  knows  better, " 

Sez  he,    ' '  Them's  your  idees. " 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"Oh  !"  sez  he.     "Wall,  now,  ain't  you  hungry?" 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

And  he  walked  us  into  the  shiniest  place  I  ever  saw,  and 
treated  us  tu  a  dinner.  Never  saw  him  so  good-natured. 

Before  he  was  through,  sez  he : 

"Charity." 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"I  don't  owe  you  no  grudge  about  the  widdy,"  sez  he. 

' '  Hope  not, "  sez  I.     "  You'd  orter  be  thankful. " 

"Wall,"  sez  he,   "she " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  171 

Eveliny  she  larfed. 

Sez  he,    "  I  was  mistook.     1  didn't  care  much  for  her. " 

' ' Well, "  sez  I,    "I  knowed  it. " 

Then  he  and  Eveliny  both  larfed  hearty. 

Thinks  me,  "It's  only  goin'  tu  prove  how  changeable  the 
men  sect  is.  He  adored  the  widdy  once,"  but  he  didn't  say 
nothin'. 

Arter  a  while  Eveliny  said  she  was  anxious  to  go,  and  they  left 
me  tu  Mirandy's,  and  went  away  tu  take  her  bundles  tu  her 
cousin's,  where  she  was  a  stoppin'. 

I  didn't  see  nothin'  of  her  for  a  few  days,  but  Jonathan  called 
in  the  evenin'  twice. 

Before  the  most  horrid  o'  calamities  folks  is  ginerally  carm.  I 
didn't  expect  nothin'.  I  slept  and  took  my  reg'lar  meals  like  a 
innocent  lamb  before  it's  slaughtered. 

Sabberday,  a  young  gal  that's  sewin'  for  Mirandy,  come  intu 
my  room  tu  ax  me  tu  lace  her  stays. 

Sez  she,  ' '  I'm  goin'  tu  our  church,  to-day — there's  to  be  a 
weddin'. " 

"Goodness!"  sez  I.      "I'll  go  tu,  then." 

Sez  she,    "Du,  Miss  Grinder,  weddin's  is  so  sweet." 

"They  air  warnin's, "  sez  I.      "I  go  as  a  matter  o'  duty." 

"Oh  !"  sez  she,  and  grins. 

I  was  mad  enough  to  box  her  ears  ;  but  they're  all  alike,  the 
hull  of  'em.  We  took  a  car  and  went.  We  wasn't  very  early, 
and  the  church  was  full,  so't  we  had  to  take  a  back  seat. 

"Can't  see  much  o'  the  bride,"  sez  I. 


172  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"No,"  sez  she. 
How  provokin'. 

Well,  the  church  kept  fillin'  up,  and  when  the  weddin'  party 
came,  I  couldn't  see  nuthin'  of  'em,  but  a  kind  o'  a  shine  of 
white. 

"Is  she  pretty?"  sez  I,  tu  the  young  woman.  She  was  taller 
than  me. 

' '  No, "  sez  she. 

"And  him?" 

"As  humbly  as  a  stone  fence." 

The  service  was  goin'  on,  and  I  listened. 

The  minister  axed  everybody  that  had  anything  fur  tu  say  agin 
the  union  fur  tu  speak,  or  ever  after  hold  their  tongues.  Then 
he  went  on  a  marryin'  of  'em. 

Sez  he,  "Will  you,  Eveliny,  take  this  man  fur  tu  be  your 
wedded  husband?"  and  the  rest  on't. 

"Lor',"  sez  I,  "I  know  a  voung  woman  by  the  name  o' 
Eveliny,  and  I  larfed. 

Pretty  soon  he  was  talkin'  tu  the  man. 

Sez  he,  ' '  Will  you,  Jonathan,  take  this  woman  fur  to  be  your 
wedded  wife?" 

"Lor',"  sez  I,  "my  brother  is  named  Jonathan.  How  cu- 
rious !" 

"Yes,"  sez  she. 

And  the  minister  went  on  and  finished. 

Then  sez  she  : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  173 

"Hurry  out,  and  stand  on  the  payment,  and  we'll  see  'em  get 
into  the  carriage." 

So  we  went,  and  stood. 

Purty  soon  out  they  comes.  I  stares  and  stares,  and  then  I 
begins  tu  clasp  my  hands. 

"Oh,  'tain't,"  sez  I. 

"What?"  sez  she. 

"Arter  all  my  bringin'  up,"  sez  I. 

"What  is  it?"  sez  she. 

"Oh!"  sez  I,    "oh!" 

"What  is  the  matter?"  sez  she. 

"  It  is,"  sez  I,  "the  awful  truth  sinkin'  intu  my  mind.  It  is 
my  brother,  Jonathan  Grinder,  and  our  help,  Eveliny  Bucksta- 
ver. " 

"Du  tell!"  sez  she. 

"Stop  'em,"  sez  I.      "Tell  the  minister  I  won't  have  it" 

"He  said  fur  you  tu  speak  then,  or  ever  arter  hold  your 
tongue, "  sez  she. 

So  he  had,  and  I'd  kept  my  head  shut,  and  the  time  was  past. 

' '  Come  with  me, "  sez  I,  and  the  young  gal  went 

We  got  tu  the  cousin's  house  in  about  ten  minutes,  and  found 
'em  all  at  dinner.  In  I  goes,  and  before  'em  I  stands  like  a 
sperit. 

"Wretches  1"  sez  I.      "Behold  her  you  hev  betrayed  1" 

"Land  o'  liberty!"  sez  the  cousin  "Is  it  his  fust  wife? 
Scratch  his  eyes  out!  Oh,  the  fiend  !" 

Sez  Eveliny,   "It  ain't  nobodv  but  Miss  Charity." 


174  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

' '  Oh, "  sez  I,  ' '  don't  speak  tu  me.  This  here  is  your  opinion 
o'  the  men  sect,  is  it  ?  aidin'  and  abettin'  my  brother  in  his  in- 
iquity. " 

Sez  she,    ' '  We're  both  o'  age. " 
' '  Reckon  you  air, "  sez  I. 

Sez  she,  "This  here  disturbance  at  a  weddin' ain't  respect- 
able, Miss  Grinder." 

"Ain't  it,"  sez  I.  "Is  it  respectable  fur  tu  act  like  a  wolf  in 
a  sheepfold,  and  marry  my  brother  while  I  was  as  you  supposed 
— out  o'  hearin'  ?  You,  that  pretended  to  be  my  friend,  and 
that  I  fetched  up  and  made  a  help  of?" 

"Oh,"  sez  she,  "I've  allus  felt  tu  pity  Mr.  Grinder,  and 
knowed  he  was  treated  dreadful. " 

"By  who?"  sez  I. 

"By you,"  sez  sne.      "Old  maids  is  allus  tyrants." 

"Let  me  get  at  her,"  sez  I.  And  I  flowed,  but  Jonathan 
catches  me. 

"  You  sha'n't  tech  her, "  sez  he ;  "  she's  my  wife.  I've  prom- 
ised fur  tu  pertect  her,  and  I  will.  Ef  you'll  set  down  and  dine, 
well  and  good  ;  ef  not,  you'd  better  go. " 

"I'll  go,';  sez  I.      "I'll  go  ;  but  I'll  hev  vengeance." 

"Very  well,"  sez  he.  "You  can't  stop  me  now,  you  know  ; 
so  go  ahead. " 

I  did.  I  hev  a  sperit  still.  The  worm  turned.  I  went  up 
to  Peekskill  that  night.  I  got  intu  the  house.  I  smashed  all 
the  chany,  and  tore  off  all  the  wall  paper,  and  cracked  the  look- 
ing-glass, and  rubbed  lime  intu  the  front  parlor  carpet,  and  I 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  175 

whitewashed  the  mahogany  furniture,  and  pulled  up  the  flowers 
in  the  garden,  until  there  was  a  satisfaction  in  reflectin'  that  no 
bride  ever  went  hum  to  sech  a  house  ;  and  that  I'd  given  her 
work  for  a  month,  and  him  expenses  tu  match.  Then  I  writ  in 
charcoal  on  the  hall  wall:  "Miss  Charity  Grinder's  compli- 
ments," and  took  my  things  and  came  away.  I  shall  live  in 
York  fur  good,  and  never  speak  to  either  of  'em  while  I  live. 


176  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  TWENTY-TWO. 

MISS   GRINDER   DETECTS   AN   ATROCIOUS   PLOT. 

He  wore  his  hair  dreadful  long,  and  had  a  hat  with  a  slopin' 
crown,  and  a  cord  and  tussel,  and  his  collar  was  wide  open. 
Ef  I'd  a  hed  seech  a  humbly  throat,  I'd  hev  buttoned  it  close  ; 
and  he  hed  a  black  mustache,  and  was  altogether  the  awfullest- 
lookin'  critter  ever  I  see. 

"Keturah,"  sez  I — I  was  stoppin'  a  spell  tu  Keturah  Kalso- 
mine's;  she's  separated  from  her  pardner,  and  earns  a  livin' 
keepin'  genteel  boarders — "Keturah,  don't  you  take  him." 

' '  Lor', "  sez  she.      ' '  Why  not,  Charity  ?" 

Sez  I,    "I  misdoubt  him." 

Sez  she,  "He's  a  very  interestin' young  man,  /think.  Be- 
sides, "  sez  she,  ' '  he's  offered  fur  to  pay  in  advance. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "you  air  your  own  mistress,  Keturah;  but 
as  fur  me,  I'd  sooner  sleep  under  the  ruff  with  a  cannibal." 

Sez  she,  "What  on  airth  has  given  you  such  a  pecooliar  opin- 
ion o'  Mr.  Chalker?" 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I'm  partially  prejudiced  by  his  wearin' his 
hair  like  a  gorilla,  and  partially  by  his  hevin'  no  buttons  tu  his 
collar." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  177 

"Well,"  sez  she,  "I  <&#'/admire  his  hair,  but  the  Rev.  Cata- 
line  Crump,  that  came  back  frum  a  mission  tu  the  heathens,  he 
wore  his'n  so,  and  the  collar  is  the  identical  image  o'  Lord  By- 
ron's. " 

Sez  I,  "  Probably  there  was  excuses  fur  the  Reverend  Mister 
Catiline  Crump.  When  you  live  at  Rome  you  must  du  as  the 
Romans  du,  and  prob'ly  that  was  the  fashion  amongst  the 
heathens ;  but  don't,  for  goodness'  sake,  mention  Lord  Byron 
before  me.  I  consider  how't  'tain't  proper  fur  a  lady  even  tu  hear 
his  name.  Shouldn't  wonder  ef  that  new  boarder  o  yourn  was 
like  Lord  Byron  in  more  things  than  his  collar. " 

She  larfed,  and  sure  enough  my  words  didn't  make  no  im- 
pression onto  her  mind,  and  that  young  man  was  admitted  be- 
neath her  ruff.  I  knowed  then  suthin'  dretful  would  come  on't. 
I  wouldn't  a  gone  tu  sleep  with  the  door  o'  my  room  unlocked 
fur  no  money. 

Besides  his  hair  and  his  collar,  Mr.  Chalker  was  pecooliar  in 
other  things.  He  had  a  habit  of  groanin'  and  another  habit  o' 
sithin.  He  used  tu  sit  up  until  the  awfulest  late  hours,  burnin' 
the  gas,  full  head,  as  poor  Keturah  said,  without  remorse ;  and 
often  and  often,  I  know  fur  sartin  how't  he  didn't  go  tu  bed  at 
all  until  he'd  hed  his  breakfast. 

Another  thing  he  was  perdicted  tu  was  smoke.  I  never  knew 
a  chimney  as  bad  as  him  in  them  respects ;  but  then  I  must  say 
this  o'  the  present  gineration  o'  young  men,  you  can  tell  when 
the  heft  o'  'em  is  comin',  fust  by  a  smell  o'  stale  tobaccer,  and 
then  by  a  smell  o'  stale  gin,  and  pertickerlerly  by  a  train  o'  little 


178  THE  GR1XDER  PAPERS. 

puddles  where  they've  bin  a  spittin'.     Mr.  Chalker  warn't  much 
worse  than  the  rest,  only  he  kep'  it  up  later. 

What  he  did  fur  a  livin'  I  couldn't  tell.  I  warn't  curus  about 
it,  but  in  the  cause  o'  respectabilitude  I  consider  it  a  Christian 
duty  fur  tu  find  out  who  folks  be. 

On  Tuesday  evenin'  I  retired  at  a  unusually  early  hour. 
'Twarn't  without  a  motive. 

At  that  hour  Mr.  Chalker  went  out  for  a  walk,  reg'lar,  staid 
about  an  hour,  and  then  come  back.  His  room  was  opposite 
mine,  and  my  key  opened  his  door.  Ef  'twas  possible  tu  dis- 
kiver  what  he  was,  I  meant  tu  du  it 

Nat'rally  seein'  how't  this  was  my  intention,  I  didn't  undress. 
I  jist  slipped  on  my  purple  calico  double  gown,  and  a  nightcap, 
and  when  I  heerd  him  go  out,  run  across  and  in. 

The  room  was  upside  down,  and  smelt  o'  smoke,  and  there 
was  four  bottles  on  the  manteltry.  But  things  was  locked  up, 
with  the  exception  o'  his  trunk.  I  looked  intu  that  He  hadn't 
no  shirts  but  two  flannel  ones ;  but  he  had  a  lot  o'  paper  buz- 
zums,  and  collars,  and  cuffs.  He  was  forehand  for  neck-ties, 
tew,  and  I  was  jesttryin'  tu  see  what  was  in  a  paper  passel,  when, 
land  o'  liberty !  I  heerd  the  lock  turn,  and  in  a  minnit  I  knowed 
he'd  returned.  There  warn't  nuthin'  left  for  me  but  tu  slip  intu 
a  pantry,  and  blow  my  light  out  The  next  minnit  in  he  walks, 
along  with  another  person  of  the  men  sect.  My  heart  palpita- 
tioned  with  the  knowledge  o'  how  indelicately  I  was  sittiwated, 
and  ef  it  hadn't  a  been  for  fear  o'  bein'  heerd,  I  should  hev  con- 
sidered it  my  duty  for  tu  hev  had  highstrikes. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  179 

The  other  gentleman  was  very  stout,  and  wore  his  head  a'most 
shaved,  as  near  as  I  could  see. 

Mr.  Chalker  sot  a  cheer,  and  sez  he,   "Be  seated,  sir." 

"Thank  ye,"  sez  the  other. 

"Shall  I  light  the  gas?"  sez  Mr.  Chalker. 

"No,"  sez  the  other.  "I  prefer  such  conversation  as  we're 
about  to  hev  to  be  had  in  the  twilight.  You  can  think  better — 
eh?" 

Then  Mr.  Chalker  poured  out  suthin',  and  they  both  drank, 
and  then  they  lit  a  couple  o'  cigars  and  smoked.  Then  sez  the 
visitor : 

"See  here,  Chalker,  I  dunno  as  you'll  thank  me  for  sayin'  so, 
but  I  don't  like  your  plot. " 

"What's  the  matter  with  it?"  sez  Mr.  Chalker. 

' '  There  ain't  enough  action  intu  it, "  sez  the  other.  ' '  There's 
talkin'  and  no  dewin'. " 

I  folds  my  hands  and  rolls  up  my  eyes,  and  thinks  me,  ' '  Air 
I  the  instrument  for  tu  be  used  intu  the  detection  o'  a  plot  ?' 

Then  I  listened. 

"Well,"  sez  Mr.  Chalker,  "I  dunno.  I've  broke  off  Eveli- 
ny's  marriage,  and  kidnapped  her  sweetheart  and  sent  him  to 
sea,  and  I've  forged  a  letter  tellin'  her  how't  he's  unfaithful,  and 
she's  goin'  to  marry  Black  Dungarry. "  I. 

"And  the  hull  o'  this  time  I  hain't  nuthin'  to  do,"  sez  the 
other  wretch. 

"The  risin'  moon  discloses  you  a  waitin'  in  the  woods  fur  to 


180  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

murder  the  old  grandfather,  for  tu  obtain  his  will,"  sez  Mr. 
Chalker.  "That's  what  I  call  a  strikin'  p'inL" 

I  groaned  in  sperit,  but  I  didn't  durse  to  groan  aloud,  and  I 
went  on  listenin'. 

The  other  ruffian  sez  sez  he : 

"Do  you  suppose  'twould  be  likely  fur  him  to  carry  the  will 
intu  his  pocket  in  the  woods?  No,"  sez  he.  "Tell  you  what 
— I'll  conceal  myself  in  the  old  gentleman's  room.  He's  pious, 
ain't  he?  Well,  I'll  be  behind  the  curtain  and  he'll  come  in. 
Of  course,  he'll  take  out  his  will  and  talk  about  it ;  then  he'll 
kneel  down  fur  to  pray.  There'll  be  a  dim  light  intu  the  room, 
and  I'll  start  forward  to  slow  music  with  my  knife  lifted — don't 
you  see?  He  turns,  says  '  Ha !'  and  I  plunge  it  into  his  heart 
—eh?" 

"Very  good,"  sez  Mr.  Chalker. 

"Oh,  the  wretches  !"  sez  I. 

"Then,  you  see,  I  obtain  the  property,"  sez  the  wretch, 
' '  and  there  ain't  nothin'  left  but  to  pison  Carlos  and  stab  his 
brother." 

"Very  well,"  sez  Mr.  Chalker;  "but  Tompkins  must  carry 
off  Eveliny  on  her  wedding-night  I  can't  alter  that  You've 
got  plenty  to  do  now,  surely. " 

"I  should  think  he  had,"  sez  I.  "Oh,  land  o'  liberty!  ef  I 
ever  get  safe  out  o'  here  it'll  be  a  miracle.  The  critters  will 
murder  me  fur  hearin'  of  their  plot  if  they  diskiver  me.  What 
shill  I  du?— what  shiil  I  du?" 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  181 

I  felt  the  hull  horror  of  my  sittyation  rush  upon  me,  and  I 
'kinder  groaned. 

"  Hullo  !"  sez  the  other  wretch. 

"What's  that?"  sez  Mr.  Chalker. 

"A  ghost  in  the  cellerage,"  sez  the  fust. 

I  made  sure  o'  being  diskivered,  and  I  groaned  again. 

' '  Can't  find  a  match, "  sez  Mr.  Chalker. 

Then  he  runs  out  mtu  the  hall  and  hollers  "Biddy." 

And  my  presence  o'  mind  come  to  my  aid,  and  I  slipped  past 
'em  in  the  dark,  and  across  the  entry  intu  my  own  room.  There 
I  locked  myself  in  and  went  to  bed,  with  four  gas-jets  burnin', 
and  a  hammer  in  my  right  hand,  and  my  numberill  in  my  left. 
I  heerd  'em  tellin'  how't  a  burglar  was  concealed  intu  their 
room,  and  had  slipped  out,  and  I  thanked  fortune  nobody  knew 
'twas  me.  Then  I  begun  tu  reflect  how  it  was  my  duty  tu  act ; 
finally  I  decided,  and  sez  I,  ' '  I'll  du  it  at  any  price.  Charity 
Grinder,  nerve  yourself,"  sez  I,  "and  be  brave." 

I  waited  until  the  house  was  quiet,  and  then  I  riz  up  and  put 
on  my  double  gownd  and  slipped  intu  Keturah's  room.  She 
was  snorin'  dreadful,  and  so  was  her  three  young  'uns. 

Boardin'-housekeepers  is  ginerally  crowded,  but  I  warn't  pre- 
pared fur  tu  find  the  hull  family  sleepin'  with  their  ma. 

I  leans  over  and  shakes  her,  and  sez  I : 

"Keturah." 

"Well,"  sez  she,    "it  ain't  mornin'." 

"No,"  sez  I,  "it's  the  solemn  hour  o'  half-past  one.  I've 
got  a  dreadful  disclosure  fur  tu  make. " 


1 82  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

She  kinder  shrieks,  and  sot  up,  and  sez  she  : 

"Oh,  what  has  happened?" 

Sez  I,  "Don't  say  nothin',  Keturah.  Come  intu  my  rcom 
and  I'll  tell  ye." 

She  comes,  white  as  a  spook,  and  all  shakin'. 

"Oh!"  sez  she,   "oh,  du  speak,  quick!" 

Sez  I,    "I  was  right  about  Mr.  Chalker." 

"Hey?"  sez  she. 

Sez  I,  "Accident  has  throwed  me  in  a  sittywation  fur  tu  hear 
a  conversation  betwixt  him  and  another  wicked  critter.  I've 
overheerd  a  plot." 

"A  plot  in  a  respectable  boardin'-house  ?"  sez  she. 

Sez  I,  "Yes,  Keturah.  Du  you  know  anybody  o'  the  name 
o'  Eveliny  that's  engaged  tu  a  young  man  ?" 

Sez  she,    ' '  Yes.     There's  Miss  Perkins,  over  the  way. " 

Sez  I,    "  Has  she  a  grandpa  ?" 

Sez  she,    "She  keeps  house  fur  him." 

Sez  I,    "It's  her." 

Sez  she,   "What's  her?" 

Sez  I,  ' '  Mr.  Chalker  has  had  the  young  man  she's  engaged 
tu  kidnapped  and  sent  tu  sea,  so's  to  hev  her  marr"  some  one 
else." 

"How you  talk  !"  sez  she. 

"He  sez  so,"  sez  I;  "and,  besides,  the  otner  wretch  is  tu 
hide  in  the  old  gentleman's  room,  and  when  he  sees  him  kneel 
down  tu  say  his  prayers,  come  behind  him  and  murder  him. 
Arter  that,  they're  tu  pison  and  stab  a  couple  more — jest  this 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  183 

minnit  I  disremember  their  names — and  one  on  'em  is  tu  cany 
off  Miss  Perkins." 

Sez  Keturah,  sez  she,  "You  must  be  crazy,  Charity;  this 
here  can't  be  so. " 

Sez  I,  "Where's  the  family  Bible?  I'm  willin'  tu  take  my 
afterdavid  on't. " 

Sez  she,  "It must  be  some  horrid  dream,"  sez  she.  "It's  a 
awful  thing  not  to  hev  nobody  o'  the  men  sect  tu  rely  ontu  in 
this  here  emergency.  I  think  'twas  real  mean  o'  Mr.  Kalsomine 
fur  tu  run  off  when  he  knowed  how  females  was  sittiwated  alone 
in  the  world. " 

Sez  I,  "Seein'  sich  is  the  case,  and  us  two  tugether,  I  don't 
think  'twould  be  unproper  for  tu  rouse  up  Dr.  Bloonder  and 
Mr.  Meggs." 

' '  Perhaps  not, "  sez  she. 

"Come,"  sez  I. 

So  arter  she'd  slipped  on  a  mornin'  gownd,  we  went  tu  Dr. 
Bloonder's  room  door. 

She  knocks,  and  he  cries : 

"What's  that?" 

"Oh!"  sez  I,  "excuse  me,  Dr.  Bloonder.  We  shouldn't 
trouble  you  at  the  dead  o'  night  ef  'twurn't  a  case  o'  life  and 
death. " 

In  a  few  minnits  out  he  comes,  and  sez  he : 

' '  Who's  ill  ?    Who  is  ill,  my  dear  ladies  ?" 

Sez  I,    "It's  wuss  than  indispersition  o'  the  body." 

"Ah!"  sez  he. 


1 84  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Yes,"  sez  I.  "Wake  Mr.  Meggs,  please,  and  jine  us  in 
the  dinin'-room. " 

Sez  he,    "  It  ain't  fire  or  thieves  ?" 

"You  shall  hear,"  sez  I.      "Be  calm,  and  you  shall  hear." 

So  she  and  me  proceeded  to  the  dinin'-room,  and  they  fol' 
lered. 

I  closes  the  door,  and  turns  up  the  gas,  and  we  sits  down. 
Miss  Kalsomine  commenced. 

Sez  she,  "Gentlemen,  I'm  sorry  to  inform  you  how't  Miss 
Charity  Grinder  has  diskivered  suthin'  awful  regardin'  Mr. 
Chalker." 

"Ah  !"  sez  the  doctor. 

Sez  Mr.  Meggs,  "I  haven't  much  o'  an  opinion  o'  Chalker's 
morals  myself." 

Sez  Miss  Kalsomine,  ' '  It's  more  than  you  can  imagine,  Mr. 
Meggs.  Miss  Grinder  happenin' " 

' '  Permiscously  tu  be  passin'  the  door, "  sez  I. 

"Yes,"  sez  she.  "Overheard  him  a  talkin'  tu  another  man, 
and  connivin'  o'  a  plot  And,"  sez  she — a  sobbin'  so't  I  felt  tu 
pity  her — "lu  think  o'  livin'  respected,  and  keepin'  the  best 
o'  tables  at  the  prices  things  is  now,  fur  tu  hev  plots  connived 
under  my  own  ruff. " 

Sez  the  doctor,  "Trewth,  Miss  Kalsomine,  is  stranger  than 
fiction." 

Sez  Mr.  Meggs,    "We're  all  attention." 

"Well,"  sez  Miss  Kalsomine,   "  Miss  Grinder  heerd  the  plot, 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  185 

as  I  said.  They're  goin'  first  tu  kidnap  Eveliny  Perkins,  and 
send  her  tu  sea. " 

"No,"  sez  I ;   "it's  her  young  man." 

"That's  what  I  mean,"  sez  she.  "And  then  they're  goin'tu 
come  behind  the  old  gentleman,  her  grandfather,  and  murder 
him  while  he's  sayin'  his  prayers,  fur  the  object  o'  stealin'  his 
will." 

"Gracious  heavings,  what  du  I  hear?"  sez  the  doctor. 

' '  When  is  this  here  atrocious  plot  to  be  consummated  ?"  sez 
Mr.  Meggs. 

Sez  I,    "That  I  didn't  hear." 

Sez  he,    "It  may  be  this  very  night" 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,  "We  must  warn  the  Perkinses  at  once.  Some  of  us 
must  guard  the  house  tu  prevent  the  villain's  escape,  and  others 
go  over  to  the  Perkinses.  Meggs,  wake  up  Tompkins,  and 
Brown,  and  Blossom — will  you?  We  three  will  go  over  to  Per- 
kins'." 

We  went.     Mr.  Perkins  came  to  the  door. 

"Excuse  me,"  sez  I,  "fur  intrudin'  at  the  solemn  hour  o' 
nearly  tew,  but  your  lives  depends  on't" 

He  begins  tu  yell   "Fire  !  fire  !  fire  !"  at  the  top  of  his  lungs. 

"Hush  !"  sez  the  doctor.      "Tisn't  fire — it's  a  plot" 

"Oh,"  sez  he.  "Come  in,  du.  Excuse  my  costoom — I 
didn't  expect  ladies.  I'll  be  back  in  a  minute." 

He  went  away,  and  purty  soon  down  came  Miss  Perkins,  in 


1 86  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

nightcap  and  shawl,  and  Eveliny,  with  her  hair  in  papers.     Then 
enters  Perkins  with  more  on. 

Sez  the  doctor,  sez  he,    "Don't  be  needlessly  alarmed." 

"Thank  ye,"  sez  Mr.  Perkins. 

"But,"  sez  the  doctor,  "this  lady  is,  I  believe,  betrothed  to 
a  young  gentleman  ?" 

"Yes,"  sez  her  ma. 

"Oh  !"  sez  Eveliny.      "Has  anything  happened  to  Jones?" 

Sez  he,  "I  hope  not,  but  there  is  a  plot  fur  to  kidnap  him 
and  send  him  to  sea.  One  who  calls  himself  Chalker  is  the 
ringleader.  Probably,  however,  that  is  an  alias. " 

"Oh!"  screams  Eveliny,    "oh!  oh!" 

"A  moment,"  sez  the  doctor.  "You  hev  an  aged  parent 
under  the  ruff?" 

"Yes,"  sez  Mr.  P. 

"He's  pious?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

' '  And  has  made  a  will  ?" 

"Well,  yes — so  it's  understood,"  sez  Mr.  P. 

"There's  a  plot  agin  him,  tu,"  sez  Mr.  Meggs. 

"Horrors!"  sez  Mr.  Perkins. 

"The  assassin  is  to  conceal  himself  in  his  room,  wait  until  he 
sez  his  prayers,  and  then  murder  him  and  take  his  will, "  sez 
Mr.  Meggs. 

They  all  shrieked. 

"Trewth,"   sez  the  doctor  agin,    "is  stranger  than  fiction. 


.  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  187 

We  owe  this  here  discovery  tu  the  lady  next  you — Miss  Grinder, 
of  Peekskill." 

"How  can  we  thank  her?"  sez  Mr.  Perkins. 

"Bless  her  forever!"  sez  Miss  P. 

"Jones  and  me  is  her  devoted  friends  fur  life,"  sez  Miss  Eve- 
liny.  ' '  But,  oh  !  may  it  not  be  tu  late  ?" 

"Well,"  sez  the  doctor.  "The  ringleader  is  guarded,  and 
I'd  advise  gettin'  a  warrant  and  havin'  him  arrested.  I'll  go  with 
you." 

"Thank  ye,"  sez  Mr.  P. 

So  they  went.  Mr.  Meggs  staid  to  protect  the  house,  and  I 
went  hum  with  Keturah. 

We  found  Mr.  Tompkins  guarding  the  door. 

"He  slumbers  yet,"  sez  he,  "little  knowing  his  plot  is  frus- 
trated. " 

Then  they  all  complimented  me  on  my  discernment,  and 
pitied  poor  Keturah. 

In  about  an  hour  some  police  came  over  with  Mr.  Perkins 
and  the  doctor,  and  they  woke  Mr.  Chalker  up,  arrested  him, 
and  walked  him  off. 

To-morrer  I'm  tu  give  evidence.  I  retire  with  the  conscious- 
ness o'  havin'  dun  my  duty.  I  wish  every  one  could  say  the 

same. 

******* 

Morning — half-past  eleven. 

What  is  the  use  o'  doin'  your  duty  ?  you  ain't  never  appre- 
ciated. This  here  mornin'  convinces  me  o'  that 


1 88  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

I  went  tu  court  with  Keturah,  and  there  I  found  Mr.  Chalker 
and  the  other  ruffian.  They  both  was  grinnin',  and  the  white- 
headed  old  gentleman  behind  a  desk  was  grinnin',  tew,  and  the 
doctor  and  Mr.  Meggs  was  lookin'  womblecropt,  and  they  turns 
on  me,  and  sez  one : 

"Miss  Grinder  was  our  authority." 

"Yes,"  sez  I.     "I'll  take  my  afterdavid." 

Sez  the  old  gentleman  : 

"You  will,  eh,  Miss  Grinder?" 

"Yes,"  sez  I.      "Justice  shill  have  its  way." 

"It  shill,"  sez  he.  "Well,  now,  ma'am,  we  want  your  evi- 
dence. How  did  you  overhear  the  conversation  between  these 
two  gentlemen?  Remember,  you're  on  oath." 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  was  in  the  pantry.  I  had  suspicions,  and 
I  hid  there." 

"That's  what  we  heard,"  sez  Mr.  Chalker. 

"Well,"  sez  the  old  gentleman,  "can  you  repeat  the  conver- 
sation ?" 

' '  The  sense  on't, "  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  he. 

"Fust,"  sez  I,  "that  ruffian  said  how't  he  didn't  think  Mr. 
Chalker's  plot  was  terrible  enough,  and  that  he  wanted  more  tu 
do.  And  then  Mr.  Chalker  said  how't  Eveliny  Perkins  young 
man  was  tu  be  kidnapped,  and  she  made  tu  marry  some  one 
else.  And  then  they  decided  how't  one  on  'em  (that  one)  was 
tu  hide  in  Gran'ther  Perkins'  room,  and,  when  he  kneeled  down 
tu  say  his  prayers,  murder  him,  and  take  his  will.  'And  then,' 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  189 

sez  he,  'there's  nothin'  tu  do  but  tu  pison  Carlos,  and  stab  his 
brother,  and  carry  off  Eveliny  on  her  weddin'  night. ' " 

Sez  the  old  gentleman,  "  You  will  swear  tu  the  name  of  Per- 
kins ?" 

"Well,"  sez  I — no;  I  told  Miss  Kalsomine,  and  she  said 
who  it  must  be. " 

I  only  heard  'em  say  Eveliny,  and  talk  about  her  gran'ther. 

The  hull  of  'em  laughed,  and  sez  the  old  gentleman  : 

"Miss  Grinder,  you've  made  a  serious  mistake.  The  Eveliny 
alluded  to  is  the  heroine  of  a  play.  This  gentleman  is  a  dra- 
matic author,  and  this  one  a  manager  and  actor,  who  is  to  per- 
form the  villain  of  the  piece.  It  is  not  possible  to  proceed 
against  you,  sir,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  bowing  to  the  other 
wretch;  "though,  indeed,  the  last  time  I  witnessed  your  per- 
formance it  was  so  true  to  nature  that  I  felt  inclined  to  issue  a 
warrant  for  your  arrest " 

Then  every  one  laughed  again. 

"You  can  go  home,"  said  the  old  gentleman.  "We  have  no 
further  need  of  you,  Miss  Grinder ;  and  pray  reassure  the  Per- 
kins family." 

I  bridles  up,  and  sez  I : 

' ' I  trust  no  one  is  larfin'  at  me ;  and  as  for  you, "  sez  I,  "I 
hev  that  opinion  o'  play  actors  that  I  hain't  a  doubt  whatever 
you  haven't  done,  you're  bad  enough  for  anything.  I  don't  be- 
lieve it's  a  play.  I  heerd  you  call  it  a  plot. " 

Then  I  pranced  away  with  dignitude. 

Me  and  Keturah  had  a  fallin'  out  when  we  got  hum,  and  I  left 


i9o  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

her  with  disgust.  There  ain't  no  use  of  bein'  a  benefactor  of 
the  human  race — you  ain't  appreciated.  Ef  I  hed  brought  tew 
villains  to  justice  I  might  a  hed  a  monnyment  erected  to  me  in 
the  City  Hall  Park ;  but  bein'  I  made  a  mistake,  I  only  got 
grinned  at.  Sich  is  life.  But  mark  my  words:  Mr.  Chalker 
will  come  to  be  hung  yet.  Nobody  but  a  villain  could  wear  his 
hair  like  a  gorilla. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  191 


NUMBER  TWENTY-THREE. 

TWO   EPISTLES   DROPPED    INTO   A   CORNER   LETTER-BOX. 

Letter  First. 

NEW  YORK,  May  30th,  1866. 

DEAR  PIETY  : — I  take  up  my  pen  in  hand  fur  tu  write  you  a 
few  lines.  Ever  sense  I  came  tu  York  I've  intended  tu  write, 
but  such  a  place  is  enough  tu  skeer  all  literary  ideas  from  the 
most  intilectable  o'  minds,  and  what  with  the  fixes  you  get  intu 
continnerly,  and  the  thievin'  critters  and  impostures,  and  the 
number  o'  streets,  and  their  distance  apart,  and  the  length  o' 
time  it  takes  to  go  to  places,  and  the  number  o'  cars  that  run 
the  wrong  way  that  you're  sure  tu  get  in,  I  ain't  had  time  fur 
nothin'.  Besides,  I  suppose  you've  heerd  o'  Jonathan's  weddin'. 
He's  united  in  the  matrimonial  sittervation  o'  life  tu  that  critter, 
whose  name  I  can't  mention,  even  on  paper,  such  is  my  emo- 
tions— she  'twas  brought  up  with  principles  o'  rectitude,  and  has 
turned  out  a  viper,  and  knows  how't  'twouldn't  be  consistent 
with  my  principles  fur  tu  live  tu  Peekskill  no  longer.  I'm  purty 
well  off,  thank  fortune,  and  kin  live  where  I  choose,  and  jest 
now  I  think  I'll  stay  tu  York. 

I'm  tu  Amandy  Floger's  pa's,  at  present.     I  was  there  the  fust 


192  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

of  May,  and  rendered  'em  considerable  assistance  in  movin'. 
Dunno  how  they  could  hev  got  along  without  me.  Mandy  is 
young  and  don't  take  that  there  heartfelt  interest  in  housekeepin' 
that  we  o'  the  age  o'  approachin'  maturity  does.  Her  ma  is  de- 
ceased, you  know,  and  she  hain't  had  no  partickerler  bringin' 
up,  only  what  her  pa  could  give  her,  and  men  arn't  no  great 
hands  at  fetchin'  up  o'  gals.  She's  learnt  fur  tu  play  the  pianny, 
and  sing,  and  cetery ;  but  what's  accomplices  tu  a  elderly  man 
o'  middle  age  ?  What  he  wants  is  a  partner  o'  discretion,  that 
can  cook  well,  and  save  money.  Seein'  the  late  Miss  Floger 
was  took  he'd  orter  have  purvided  himself  with  another.  Time 
enough  yet,  though.  It's  better  for  tu  show  judition  in  sech 
important  affairs.  I've  allers  thought  I'd  never  take  the  awful 
step  o'  selectin'  a  pardner  before  I  was  able  to  choose  one  that, 
to  use  a  poetical  expression,  would  wash  and  wear. 

Wouldn't  hev  you  mention  it  fur  nuthin'.,  Piety,  but  Mr.  Flo- 
ger is  very  partickerler  in  his  intentions  tu  me. 

I  feel  tu  be  anxious  that  folks  will  pass  remarks  about  me  and 
insinnivate  how't  I  want  tu  catch  him  ;  but  I  can't  hurt  his  feel- 
in's  by  leavin'  when  he's  so  anxious  fur  me  tu  prolong  my  visit, 
even  though  Mandy  Floger  has  behaved  in  a  way  fur  tu  occasion 
me  tu  blush  for  her. 

I  scom  tu  listen,  but  I  accidentally  overheard  her  remark  tu 
an  aunt  o'  hern  that  she  "wished  the  old  thing  would  go." 

"Old  thing,"  meant  me,  Piety.  No  matter.  I  don't  say 
nuthin',  but  I'll  remember  it  A  pretty  state  o'  things  it  has 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  193 

arrived  at,  when  a  young  hity-tity  critter  calls  a  lady  approachin' 
the  age  o'  maturity  an  old  thing. 

If  ever  I  consent  fur  tu  bless  Mr.  Floger  with  a  return  o'  his 
emotions  o'  a  tender  natur,  Mandy  Floger  shall  be  sent  tu 
boardin'-school. 

Now,  as  I  sits  a  writin',  I  hear  him  a  walkin'  up  and  down 
his  room,  and  groanin'.  He  has  a  interestin'  habit  o'  groanin' 
when  the  weekly  bills  comes  in.  No  wonder,  when  things  is 
wasted  as  they  be,  and  Mandy  dresses  as  she  does. 

At  this  moment  I  haven't  a  doubt,  Piety  Pratt,  how't  he  is 
thinkin'  tu  himself  o'  your  friend  and  confidential  Charity  Grind- 
er. If  I  was  his'n  economics  would  be  thought  of  beneath  this 
ruff  as  they  never  will  be  while  Mandy  Floger  is  housekeeper. 
She  has  three  jockeys,  two  bunnits,  and  no  eend  o'  dresses,  and 
it's  my  belief  never  sifts  the  cinders  nor  saves  the  drippin's. 
Yesterday,  as  I  handed  Mr.  Floger  the  sassages  tu  breaktwist,  I 
thought  o'  that,  and  sithed.  He  thought  on't,  tew,  I  guess,  fur 
he  sithed  back.  Yesterday  there  was  a  button  off  his  bosom. 
I  remarked  it  I'd  like  tu  hev  sewed  it  on ;  but  you  know  he 
might  have  took  the  liberty  o'  kissin'  me  ef  I'd  done  it,  and  I'm 
the  patron  o'  perpriety,  and  allers  hev  been.  I  told  Mandy  so, 
and  she  said,  "I  needn't  be  afraid."  Piety  Pratt,  I'd  a  good 
mind  tu  du  it  straight  off,  fur  tu  show  her  I  had. 

It's  only  silly  critters,  Piety,  that  considers  how't  airly  youth 
is  the  time  fur  sentiments  o'  a  tender  nature.  As  Mr.  Floger 
remarks,  "A  man  never  knows  the  real  vally  o'  a  pardner  until 


I94  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

he's  had  the  rheumatics.     It's  trew,  Piety,  ef  one  o'  the  men  sect 
did  say  it 

I  suppose,  seein'  you  ain't  acquainted  with  Mr.  Floger,  you 
can't  understand  how  my  emotions  toward  the  men  sect  has 
changed.  But  ef  you  knowed  him,  Piety,  you'd  understand 
that  there  is  varieties  in  everything,  and  that  there  air  men  that, 
as  fur  as  it  is  in  the  nature  o'  the  sect  tu  be,  is  near  about  as 
good  as  middlin'  nice  wimmin — not  many,  but  there  air  a  few, 
and  Mr.  Floger  is  one  o'  'em. 

He's  thinkin'  o'  purchasin'  this  house.  I  quite  encourage 
him  in  the  idee — it's  jest  tu  my  mind.  As  soon  as  I  can  with 
perpriety  go  ahead  in  furnishin',  I  shill  have  green  velvet  cheers 
bought,  and  a  marble-top  table  fur  the  parlor.  The  late  Miss 
Floger,  that's  hangin'  on  the  wall  over  the  manteltry,  will  have 
tu  come  down  and  go  up  attic,  I  guess,  fur  I  want  the  place  fur 
my  own  photography,  the  size  o'  life,  in  a  gilt  frame,  that  I  cal- 
kerlate  Mr.  Floger  will  hev  took  in  weddin'  costoom. 

Of  course  when  I  allude  tu  Miss  Floger  hangin'  on  the  wall  I 
mean  her  pictur'.  You  might  think  Mr.  F.  was  like  Bluebeard 
ef  I  didn't  explain. 

She  was  a  very  respectable  lady  I  haven't  a  doubt — ef  she 
hadn't  a  been  Mr.  Floger  wouldn't  hev  hed  her ;  but  I  shouldn't 
want  her  starin'  in  my  face  perpetooal.  Then  Mandy  should 
give  up  the  best  bedroom,  and  go  in  the  back  attic.  Good 
enough  fur  a  young  critter  o'  seventeen.  I  don't  calkerlate  tti 
keep  no  help — make  her  stir  round  a  bit  and  do  her  health 


THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS.  195 

good.     She  sleeps  in  old  kids  now,  Piety,  fur  tu  keep  her  hands 
white. 

As  fur  that  aunt  o'  her'n,  I  don't  calkerlate  she  shill  darken 
my  ruff.  She's  displayed  tew  onchristian  a  spent  fur  me  tu  con- 
taminate myself  with  her  society ;  besides  she'd  allers  make  a 
patron  o'  her  late  sister  tu  me.  It's  the  natur  o'  relationships  tu 
du  so. 

Now,  Piety,  the  minute  he  asks  the  question  I  shall  write  tu 
you  tu  be  bride-maid.  The  last  fashion-plate  fur  a  bride  in 
Godey's  is  tu  be  my  dress.  I  shill  calkerlate  on  havin'  you  stay 
a  month,  and  shill  invite  Tabby  Mouser  along  with  you.  I  hate 
the  critter  like  pison,  but  I've  heerd  say  how't  she  said  ''Charity 
Grinder  would  never  hev  a  chance  tu  change  her  name  as  long 
as  she  lived  ef  the  men  sect  was  o'  her  opinion,"  and  seein'  how 
hard  she's  tried  and  couldn't,  I'd  like  her  tu  be  present  at  my 
nuptyals,  and  see  the  devotion  o'  Mr.  Floger. 

Ef  I  could  I'd  give  her  an  invite  without  mentionin'  the  occa- 
sion, so't  she  wouldn't  get  rigged  up  tu  cut  a  dash,  as  she  will 
ef  she  knows. 

You  and  she  shall  hev  the  back  bedroom,  on  the  second  floor. 
That  I  shall  keep  fur  spare.  Mandy's  aunt  sha'n't  come. 

You  mustn't  tell  nobody,  but  there's  one  or  two  I'd  as  soon 
as  not  would  find  it  out,  Jonathan  and  his  disgustin'  wife  among 
'em.  Them  that's  allers  on  the  lookout  themselves  thinks 
others  would  if  they  could,  and  is  disappinted. 

Your  affectionate  confidential, 

Miss  CHARITY  GRINDER. 


196  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

P.  S. — Look  at  Godey's  and  see  if  you  think  the  bride  cos- 
toom  is  handsome.  CHARITY  GRINDER. 

P.  P.  S.— Would  you  hev  curls  or  bands?  C.   G. 

EXTRA  P.  P.  S. — I  hear  him  groanin'  agin.  I  know  it's  the 
butcher's  bill.  My  soul  feels  tu  pity  him.  Next  time  I  sign 

mebbe  it  won't  be  Charity  Grinder,  but  Charity  F .  Spare 

my  blushes,  I  can't  konklude. 


Letter  Second. 

NEW  YORK,  May  3oth,  1866. 

DEAR  BROTHER  THOMAS  : — Don't  be  alarmed  when  I  tell  you 
that  unforeseen  circumstances  compel  me  to  leave  New  York  at 
once.  I  haven't  murdered  any  one ;  I  haven't  run  off  with  any 
one's  money — I  haven't  been  trusted  with  any ;  it  isn't  fear  of 
the  cholera ;  it's  something  more  dreadful  than  that  epidemic, 
which  I  had  far  rather  have  than  Miss  Charity  Grinder.  It's  out 
now,  Thomas.  It's  a  woman.  If  I  don't  leave  New  York  she'll 
make  me  marry  her. 

You  are  a  bachelor,  Thomas.  You  don't  know  what  curtain 
lectures  are.  You  don't  know  what  it  is  not  to  be  allowed  to 
smoke — to  have  some  one  always  jealous  of  the  housemaid. 
An  angel  couldn't  induce  me,  and  Miss  Grinder  is  not  an  angel. 

You  ask  why  I  allow  myself  to  be  thus  terrified.  You  don't 
know  the  woman.  She  is  in  my  house.  She  rules  the  house- 
hold ;  she  snubs  Amanda ;  she  insults  young  Jones,  to  whom 
Amanda  is  engaged ;  she  makes  love  to  me.  Some  day  she  will 
say  I  have  proposed — perhaps  will  compel  me  to  do  so — and 
will  marry  me II I 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  197 

I  never  was  determined,  firm,  self-asserting — whatever  you 
please  to  call  it.  I  can't  say,  "Miss  Grinder,  you  must  go 
home."  Amanda  daresn't.  Whenever  I  go  out  I  have  Miss 
Grinder  on  my  arm.  She  sings  off  my  hymn-book  in  church. 
People  have  said  to  Amanda,  "I  hear  your  pa  is  about  to  give 
you  a  step-ma. " 

I  can't  withstand  the  tide  of  public  opinion.  I  can't,  as  a 
gentleman — if  Miss  Grinder  says,  ' '  Mr.  Floger,  will  you  have 
me?" — say  "No."  I  must  fly  before  she  does  it.  You  smile 
with  scorn.  Pity  me  !  I  shall  leave  to-night,  by  stealth,  like  a 
burglar.  I'm  going  to  Boston.  Tibbets  has  employed  me  to 
do  some  collecting.  I  want  you  to  go  down  and  shut  up  the 
office.  The  rent  is  paid  a  month  in  advance.  Perhaps  Miss 
Grinder  may  go  in  a  month,  and  I  may  return.  Watch  the 
house  and  write  me  on  the  instant  when  that  event  occurs. 

I  can't  save  myself;  Amanda  can't  save  me.  Brave  as  you 
are,  you  couldn't,  my  dear  brother  Thomas.  Already  she  has 
given  away  silverware  and  things  to  a  person  calling  himself  a 
confidential  assistant ;  sold  my  winter  overcoat  to  a  Jew,  who 
gave  her  two  pink  vases  for  it ;  scratched  the  lights  out  of  the 
eyes  of  a  portrait  with  a  table-knife,  under  the  impression  they 
were  spatters  of  whitewash ;  kindled  the  fire  with  a  very  rare  old 
edition  of  Shakespeare  ;  given  a  good  girl — as  girls  go — warning 
without  permission,  and  made  me  a  red  flannel  dressing-gown, 
which  she  will  make  me  wear  every  evening. 

A  week  ago  she  cooked  a  detestable  mess  for  dinner,  and  on 
tasting  it  I  involuntarily  uttered  an  exclamation  of  disgust. 


198  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Is  anything  the  matter?"  said  she. 

Said  I,  not  to  be  impolite,  "A  sudden  pain,  ma'am.  It  is 
over. " 

And  then,  oh  !  Thomas,  and  then  she  scraped  the  chimney — 
the  kitchen  chimney — and  made  soot  tea,  which  she  said  was  the 
only  remedy  for  symptoms  of  cholera. 

The  more  I  declared  I  had  none,  the  more  she  said  I  had, 
and  at  last  muttered  these  awful  words : 

"No,  Mr.  Floger;  there  ain't  no  use  denying  on't.  You 
only  don't  want  fur  tu  alarm  your  too  susceptible  Charity.  Buj 
it's  her  duty  fur  tu  take  keer  on  you,  and  she'll  du  it.  Hold 
your  pa's  nose,  Amandy,  and  I'll  make  him  swaller. " 

And  the  dear  girl,  whom  she  had  alarmed  concerning  the 
cholera,  did  hold  my  nose,  and  I — swallowed — the — soot — tea  ! 
Augh ! 

May  you  never  have  such  a  mouthful ! 

You  see,  my  dear  brother,  I  must  fly.  Tell  Amanda  not  to 
feel  anxious,  but  don't  inform  her  where  I  am.  Charity  Grinder 
will  have  it  out  of  her  i'  you  do,  and  may  follow  me. 

It  is  eleven  o'clock.  I  must  go,  if  I  would  catch  the  train. 
My  portmanteau  is  packed.  Adieu  until  we  meet 

Your  afflicted  brother,  PETER  FLOGER. 

Capt.  THOMAS  FLOGER,  N.  Y. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  199 


NUMBER  TWENTY-FOUR. 

MISS       CHARITY      SPEAKS       OF      DENTISTS. 

No,  Miss  Dusenberry,  I  can't  say  as  how  I  hev  any  pertick- 
eler  faith  in  dentifrices.  My  belief  is  how't  when  Providence 
gives  you  the  toothache,  you've  got  to  grin  and  bear  it. 

How  I  talk  1  you  think  you  kin  be  saved  most  o'  the  pain  by 
takin' your  teeth  in  time?  Ridiculous!  Why,  lean  prove  tu 
the  contrary  by  my  cousin,  Tiffany  Briggs.  Never  heerd  on 
him?  Wall,  I  declare!  He  was  considered  a  very  talented 
young  man — consid'rable  above  the  rest  o'  the  Brigges,  in  pint 
o'  intelectability — took  more  arter  me  in  that  respect. 

Well,  the  rest  on  'em  was  tinsmiths,  and  they  calkerlated 
how't  Tiffany  would  be  glad  to  ketch  hold  and  help,  when  he 
was  old  enough ;  but,  land  o'  liberty !  he  didn't  take  no  sense  o' 
the  tin  perfession. 

Sez  he  to  his  pa,  "Pa,"  sez  he,  "it's  well  enough  for  Ned 
and  Dick  to  live  among  sarcepans,  but  I'm  o'  another  natur'," 

sez  he. 

t 

"Lor',"  sez  his  pa.      "How  in  thunder  did  ye  come  by  it?" 
"Dunno,"  sez  Tiffany.      "It  was  born  in  me — I  can't  stoop 
tu  tins." 


200  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"  Well, "  sez  his  pa,  "seein'you  ain't  no  airthly  use  in  the 
shop,  I'm  willin'  to  humor  ye,  and  ef  you'd  like  to  be  a  mason, 
there's  Plaster  Brickman  will  take  you  'prentice. " 

"  Oh, "  sez  Tiffany,  groanin',  "don't  jest,  pa.  These  here 
ieelin's  o'  mine  is  tu  holy.  A  mason,  never  !" 

"Well,  what  then  ?"  sez  his  pa. 

"  I'd  like  tu  be  a  poet,"  sez  Tiffany. 

"  You  sha'n't !  that's  flat,"  sez  his  pa. 

"Then  I  must  be  a  learned  perfession,"  sez  Tiffany. 

"Ef  the  tin  line  ain't  that,  what  is?"  sez  Mr.  Briggs. 

"Well,"  sez  Tiffany,  "you  didn't  comprehend,  pa;  there's 
but  three  learned  perfessions — doctorin',  preachin',  and  lawyer- 
in'. " 

"What  du  you  know  about  any  on  'em  ?"  sez  B. 

' '  Well, "  sez  he,  "  ef  I  had  a  diplomy,  I'd  doctor. " 

' '  You  desarve  to  be  hung, "  sez  his  pa. 

Jest  then  his  ma  comes  in  with  the  paper,  and,  hearin'  what 
was  goin'  on,  sez  : 

"Why,  land  o'  Goshen  !  why  don't  you  be  a  dentifrice  ?  Take 
a  set  o'  lessons,  and  then  sot  up  in  Peekskill.  It  can't  take 
long,  and  you'd  be  called  '  doctor.' ' 

Sez  Tiffany,  ' '  I  will,  ma. " 

And  next  week  he  went  tu  York.  He  took  six  lessons,  and 
came  back  perfect.  He  fetched  along  three  big  .gold  teeth  to 
hang  out,  and  a  sign  a  yard  long,  and  a  lot  o'  gold  leaf  and  wax, 
and  purty  soon  'twas  all  over  town  how't  Tiffany  Briggs  was  a 
graddyated  dentifrice. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  201 

He  was  good-lookin',  fur  a  Briggs  ;  so  it  'twarn't  long  before 
every  gal  found  out  she  hed  suthin'  tu  du  tu  her  teeth,  and  Tif- 
fany had  a  run  o'  bizness.  The  heft  of  'em  had  the  toothache 
reg'lar  arter  once  goin'  tu  him ;  which  I  think  was  a  judgment 
for  not  submittin'  in  the  fust  place. 

Well,  one  day  Melindy  Jenks  came  in  to  me,  and  sez  I : 

"How  are  ye,  Melindy?" 

Sez  she,    ' '  Miserable  I" 

"Lor',"  sez  I,    "what  ails  ye?" 

"A  tooth,"  sez  she.  "I  spent  a  hull  week  in  York  tryin'  to 
hev  it  out." 

"Wouldn't  it  come?"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  she,  "the  truth  is,  every  dentist  I  went  tu,  the 
minnit  I  got  into  the  cheer,  away  up  in  the  air,  and  had  my  head 
well  back,  they  went  and  kissed  me. " 

"All  of  'em?"  sez  I. 

' '  Yes, "  sez  she.  ' '  Even  an  old  sinner  with  gray  hair.  Then, 
of  course,  I  wouldn't  stay. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "that  comes  o'  not  hevin'  a  person  o'  digni- 
tude  along  fur  tu  purtect  ye.  Tell  ye  what,  Melindy,  you  come 
to  my  Cousin  Briggs,  and  I'll  sot  by,  and  eff  he  was  so  inclined, 
he  wouldn't  durst  kiss  ye. " 

Sez  she,   "  I'll  go,  and  thank  ye 

And  we  went. 

Well,  there  was  Tiffany,  with  a  mustache  half  a  yard  long ; 
and  he  purtended  tu  take  airs  and  graces,  and  fur  tu  doubt 
whether  he  hed  time  fur  another  patient.  I  stopped  him  short 


302  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Jest get  Melindy's  tooth  out/'  sez  I.      "The  hull  o'  Peeks- 
kill  ain't  a  comin'." 

So  he  ground  her  up  in  a  cheer,  and  took  out  a  lot  o'  instru- 
ments, and  went  toward  her. 

She  shut  her  mouth  tight. 

Sez  he,   "  Ef  ye  don't  open  your  mouth  I  can't  extract  your 
tooth. " 

"Oh,"  sez  she,    "I  know  you'll  hurt" 

"I  won't,"  sez  he  ;   "  it's  rayther  pleasant" 

"Well,"  sez  she. 

She  opens  her  mouth,  and  he  puts  in  his  thingumbob,  and 
she  yells. 

He  takes  it  out 

Sez  she,   "Is  it  over?" 

Sez  he,    "  It  ain't  tetched." 

She  opens  her  mouth  agin,  and  he  pulls  and  she  screeches, 
and  out  comes  a  tooth — a  rale  nice  white  one. 

Sez  she,    "Oh,  you've  made  a  mistake!     I  tried  to  speak, 
but  you  smothered  me.     It's  a  wrong  tooth  !" 

So  'twas  ;  on  the  other  side. 

So  sez  he,   "No  matter,"  sez  he,   "I  can  put  it  in  agin." 

"Will  it  grow?"  sez  I. 

" Of  course,"  sez  he ;   "  like  a  weed." 

So  in  he  sticks  it 

"Which  is  the  tooth?"  sez  he. 

"The  black  one."  sez  she. 

So  he  grabs  agin. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  203 

Out  comes  suthin'. 

Melindy  kicks  like  mad. 

Sez  she,    ' '  It  ain't  right  yet " 

"Must  be,"  sez  he. 

And,  come  tu  see  it,  it  wasn't 

So  Tiffany  plants  it  back  and  pulls.  This  time  'twas  the 
right  one,  but  only  the  top. 

He  looks  in,  and  sez  he,   "Well,  thats  all  right" 

Sez  she,    ' '  It  aches  worse. " 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "you  see  there  ain't  nuthin' tu  ketch  hold 
of;  so  I've  got  tu  leave  the  root.  The  tooth  is  out — it's  only 
the  root  is  there.  Put  hops  tu  your  face,  and  I  reckon  you 
won't  hev  no  trouble. " 

"I  hope  not,"  sez  she.      "Well,  now,  what  du  you  tax?" 

"Well,"  sez  Tiffany,  "seein"  it's  a  friend  o'  Cousin  Charity's, 
I'll  do  it  cheap.  I've  extracted  three  teeth — that's  six  dollars ; 
and  then  a  dollar  a  piece  fur  puttin'  the  two  you  changed  your 
mind  about  back — that's  eight" 

Melindy  paid  it,  and  went  hum.  That  night  she  had  the  aw- 
ful est  fit  o'  neuralogy  in  the  head,  groaned  and  shrieked,  and 
they  had  tu  send  fur  the  doctor.  He  gin  her  lots  o'  medicine, 
and  bled  her.  Didn't  du  no  good,  though,  and  there  she  laid  a 
week,  'most  out  of  her  mind. 

Seemed  as  ef  she  was  a-goin',  she  suffered  so.  She  wouldn't 
let  no  one  come  near  her  mouth,  and  couldn't  eat  nuthin'. 
Well,  seein'  she  was  so  bad,  they  sent  for  most  o'  the  relation- 
ships, and  'mongst  'em  came  Aunt  Peggy,  from  Prattsville. 


204  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

The  minute  she  saw  her,  sez  she  : 

"Why,  how  the  gal's  face  is  swelled  !" 

' '  It's  a  sign  o'  the  wust, "  sez  I. 

"Nonsense!"  sez  she.  "It's  a  tooth.  Where  does  it  hurt 
you  ?"  sez  she. 

"My  hull  head,"  sez  Melindy. 

"Water  on  the  brain,"  sez  I,  whisperin'.  "The  doctor,  he's 
given  her  camelmile  and  kwinine,  and  he's  bled  her,  and  all. 
Medicine's  o'  no  avail." 

Sez  Aunt  Peggy : 

' '  Nonsense,  Charity.  Tell  ,ye  it's  teeth ;  the  wurst  o'  tooth- 
aches seems  to  be  all  over  ye.  Open  yer  mouth,  honey. " 

She  opens  her  mouth. 

"How  it's  swelled,"  sez  she.  " Can't  hardly  see  the  teeth. 
But,  land  alive,  Melindy,  I  never  heerd  o'  teeth  mortifyin'.  The 
tew  next  the  eye-teeth  looks  like  it." 

Sez  she,    ' '  Oh,  aunt,  them's  what  was  put  in  agin. " 

So,  arter  that,  Aunt  Peggy  had  the  hull  story.  She  opens  the 
windy  wide,  and  looks  at  the  teeth,  and  sez  she  : 

"The  nasty,  good-for-nothing  ignoramus.  Dentist!  Why, 
he's  a  butcher !" 

"Eh?"  sez  I.  "You're  speakin'  o'  a  relationship  o'  mine, 
Miss  Peggy,  I'd  hev  ye  know. " 

Sez  she,    "I  don't  care.     Send  for  the  doctor  this  minnit" 

And  I  was  skeered,  and  sent  little  Tom,  for  Aunt  Peggy  was 
a  smart  woman,  and  I  knew  it. 

' '  What  has  he  done  ?"  sez  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  205 

"Well,"  sez  she,    "fustly,  left  the  tooth  that  ached  in." 
'     "Only  the  root,"  sez  I. 

"Bah,"  sez  she.  "Then  he's  put  the  other  two  back — up 
side  down — and  the  flesh  has  swelled  'round  'em,  and  fastened 
'em  tight  as  wax. " 

Melindy  begins  to  cry.      "Air  you  sure?"  sez  she. 

"Yes,"  sez  Aunt  Peggy.  "There's  the  roots  stickin  up— 
look  for  yerself,  Miss  Grinder. "  Wall,  she  was  right. 

Old  Doctor  Doseum  he  came,  and  he  lanced  the  gums,  and 
pulled  out  the  teeth ;  and,  as  soon  as  she  could  bear  it,  took 
out  the  root.  And  Aunt  Peggy  poulticed,  and  bathed,  and 
fed  Melindy  up,  and  pitched  out  the  rest  o'  the  camelmile  and 
kwinine,  and  Melindy  was  well  in  a  week. 

Her  pa  called  on  Cousin  Tiffany,  and  when  he  heerd  what 
had  occurred,  he  offered  tu  give  back  the  tew  dollars  for  plantin' 
the  teeth,  seein'  they  was  in  upside  down. 

The  old  gentleman  took  it ;  but  he  didn't  act  with  dignitude, 
and  offered  tu  kick  Cousin  Tiffany,  and  called  him  a  lot  o* 
names.  The  families  warn't  friends  from  that  minute. 

So,  you  see,  Miss  Dusenberry,  I  hain't  no  faith  in  these  here 
dentifrices. 

Cousin  Tiffany  graddyated  in  a  course  o'  six  lessons,  and  had 
all  that  was  required  to  use  in  his  perfession,  and  he  didn't  du 
Melindy  no  good.  It's  goin'  agin  Providence,  and  won't  be 
blest ;  though  Tiffany  is  practicin'  yet  a  few  miles  out  o'  Peeks- 
kill,  and  they  do  say  there  never  was  such  an  awful  place  for 
toothache  as  them  parts  is. 


206  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS, 


NUMBER   TWENTY-FIVE. 

CHARITY      DISCOVERS      MORE      INIQUITY, 

I  never  had  no  aynomosity  agin  Dorinda  Sniffin.  I'd  scorn  it. 
Let  them  hev  feelin's  o'  that  natur'  that  ain't  above  it,  and  don't 
allude  it  to  me.  Ef  she  says  I  had  any  inclination  fur  tu  avail 
myself  o'  the  intentions  o'  Mandy's  pa,  I  won't  tell  her  she  lies, 
only  that  she's  mistook.  But  ef  she  ain't  no  more  of  a  lady 
than  tu  say  how't  I  meant  ' '  tu  catch  him, "  I'm  obligated  as  a 
rectangular  person  and  a  member  tu  tell  her  that  it's  a  falsehood. 
Me  that  had  ruther  be  a  vestal  virgin  than  a  Benedictine  any 
day. 

Kevin'  writ  so  much  for  the  public  o'  late,  I  feel  myself  quite 
fetched  before  the  world  and  called  upon  tu  defend  myself  from 
such  objurations.  Otherwise  I'd  retire  with  the  usual  dignitude 
o'  my  character,  without  a  word.  Seein'  as  things  is  as  they  be, 
though,  I  feel  obligated  tu  state  the  reasons  why  I  wouldn't  hev 
Mandy's  pa  fur  nothin'  the  Garden  o'  Eden  couldn't  offer,  let 
alone  a  miserable  muddy  world  o'  woe.  Fustly :  He  is  Mandy's 
pa ;  and  bein',  I  feel  tu  regret  that  Mandy  is  sure  tu  turn  out 
awful.  I  shouldn't  like  folks  tu  allude  her  eend  tu  her  step-ma, 
as  they'd  be  sure  tu. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  207 

Secondly  :  I  might  hev  had  him  ef  I  would,  and  I've  said  a 
dozen  times  tu  him,  when  he  sithed  and  looked  tender,  and  told 
me  how  blest  his  existence  had  orter  be  ef  he  possessed  my 
hand. 

"No,  sir,  I  couldn't  think  o'  enterin'  intu  conjugular  rela- 
tions with  a  widiwer.  Abandon  the  idee, "  sez  I,  ' '  and  forgit 
Charity  Grinder." 

He  couldn't,  poor  man,  and  he's  flowed. 

Fustly — I  mean  thirdly — he's  old  enough  to  be  my  pa,  and  he 
wears  a  wig,  and  his  opinions  doesn't  coinsist  with  mine.  And 
thems  the  reasons  I  didn't  hev  him,  not  because  I  couldn't 
catch  him.  Dorinda  Sniffin  judges  by  herself. 

I  didn't  mean  to  drive  him  out  o'  his  senses.  F'raps  ef  I'd  a 
known  the  effect  my  conduct  would  hev  I  shouldn't  ha'  been  so 
obdurate  in  my  declension  o'  him.  But  unless  you  hev  the  gift 
o'  prophesy  ye  can't  forsee  events  which  is  tu  happen  in  the  mor- 
tal world.  I  grieve  tu  ha'  caused  the  absconsion  of  Mandy's 
pa  ;  but  I  couldn't  give  my  hand  where  my  heart  hadn't  went, 
and  ef  my  refusal  has  driv  him  from  his  native  land  tu  Bosting, 
I  feel  tu  be  sorry,  but  not  to  blame  myself.  As  fur  Dorinda 
Sniffin  I  pity  and  despise  her. 

However,  when  yer  life  is  spent  in  duin'  acts  o'  benevolents, 
as  mine  is,  it's  easy  tu  forget  them  that  is  narrer-minded  enough 
tu  talk  agin  you ;  and  at  present  my  mind  is  occupied  with  a 
young  woman  o'  the  name  o'  Parten  that  lives  jest  opposite  tu 
where  I  am  stoppin'  with  Gusty  Gulliver. 

They  re  very  nice  people    the  Gullivers.     She's  fashionable, 


208  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

and  he  is  suthin'  down  town  that  makes  him  as  mad  as  hops 
when  things  in  the  eatable  way  goes  down.  Someun  told  me  he 
was  a  speculater,  and  whatever  bi/ness  that  may  be  it  appears  tu 
be  a  tryin'  one  tu  the  temper. 

It's  a  good  way  up  town,  in  a  quite  romantical  spot  near  the 
North  River.  Folks  as  is  addicted  tu  sentiment  walk  down  to 
the  banks  o'  pleasant  evenin's ;  but  the  muskeeters  is  tu  thick 
for  me.  I  generally  sit  tu  the  winder  observin'  human  nature ; 
and  if  there's  one  I've  observed  more'n  another,  it's  that  Miss 
Parten.  Firstly,  she's  dreadful  hity-tity,  and  thinks  herself 
good-lookin',  and  nextly,  I  have  my  suspicions  how't  she  ain't 
all  she  should  be. 

Well,  I've  kept  my  eye  on  her  off  and  on,  and  remarked  how 
late  she  sot  up,  and  how  she  read  novels  a  Sabberday ;  and  so 
when  I  heerd  anything  peculiar  I  was  apt  tu  take  notice. 

One  night  I  did.  'Twas  a  kind  o'  wailin'  cry.  I  got  up  and 
peeked  out  o'  my  windy,  and  there,  sure  enough,  was  a  light  in 
Miss  Parten's,  and  I  heerd  her  voice  a-talkin'.  'Twas  a  very 
handsome  night,  and  everybody's  sashes  was  up. 

Sez  she,    "The  thing  is  sick,  or  it  'twouldn't  yell  so." 

Sez  the  masculine  voice  o'  Mr.  Parten,  "Mebbe  'taint  bin 
fed." 

Sex  she,  "It  has.  I  won't  be  bothered  this  here  way  forever. 
I'll  get  rid  o'  the  plague. " 

Sez  he,    "You  can't." 

Sez  she,    "I  will,  if  I  have  this  to  bear  agin," 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  209 

And  then  1  heerd  a  kind  o'  whacking  sound,  and  all  was  si- 
lent 

'Bout  an  hour  arter  it  begun,  though,  and  then  I  knowed  'twas 
the  voice  o'  a  child.  The  poor  creeter  kept  it  up  all  night — 
sich  moans  and  screeches  I  never  heerd.  They  continued  until 
the  dawn  o'  day.  I'd  heerd  o'  unnat'ral  parents,  but  never  o' 
any  so  unnat'ral  as  the  Partens. 

Next  day  I  felt  it  my  duty  tu  keep  an  eye  on  'em.  He  was 
goin'  somewhere  with  a  portmantel,  and  she  staid  tu  hum. 
The  hull  day  I  heerd  the  cries  of  the  neglected  infant,  and  in 
the  evenin'  they  was  worse.  At  last  I  retired  tu  bed  and  sunk 
into  a  agitated  slumber. 

About  ten  I  was  awoke  by  a  light  on  my  ceilin*.  I  seen  at 
once  how  'twas  Miss  Parten  movin'  a  lamp.  I  jumped  up  and 
went  tu  the  winder.  There  was  a  light  in  her  chamber,  and  she 
was  standin'  there  with  a  basket  in  her  hand  a-tyin'  down  the 
cover  after  puttin'  in  a  brickbat  My  blood  froze  in  a  minute  ; 
I  knew  what  she  was  a  doin'.  It  all  rushed  on  me  like  a  whirl- 
wind ;  and  when  I  seen  her  put  on  a  hat  and  shawl  and  come 
out  o'  her  door,  I  thought  I  should  keel  over. 

But  the  presence  o'  mind  I'm  remarkable  for  come  tu  my  aid, 
and  I  seized  a  quilt  petticut  o'  mine  and  a  shawl,  and  put  'em 
n,  and  rushed  down  tu  the  Gullivers'  room. 

I  knocked  in  a  agitated  manner,  and  sez  she,  ' '  What's  the 
matter  ?" 

Sez  I,    "It  ain't  for  no  common  thing  I'm  summoning  you 


210  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

at  this  disrespectable  hour.  But  it's  your  duty  to  wake  Mr.  Gul- 
liver immediate." 

They  was  skeered  at  that,  and  out  in  the  entry  in  a  minute. 

"Du  you  want  to  be  humble  instrument  o'  preventin'  parra- 
cide?"  sez  I. 

"Yes,"  sez  he,    "of  course." 

"Then,"  sez  I,  "foller  me.  The  young  woman  opposite 
has  jest  put  a  new-born  infant  in  a  basket  along  with  a  brickbat, 
and  is  goin'  tu  the  river  tu  drown  it. " 

"What  du  I  hear?"  sez  he 

"The  solemn  truth,"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,  ' '  There  ain't  no  time  to  be  lost "  So  he  gets  his  hat 
and  things,  and  we  all  three  went  down  stairs. 

"You  tew  go  on  and  watch  her,"  sez  Mr.  Gulliver.  "I'll 
bring  a  policeman ;"  and  away  he  scoots,  and  we  tew,  purtected 
by  our  consciousness  o'  doin'  our  duty,  went  on  alone. 

The  young  woman  wasn't  in  no  hurry,  but  she  was  goin'  tu 
the  river  straight. 

Sez  I  tu  Miss  Gulliver : 

' '  Could  you  imagine  there  was  sich  iniquity  in  the  world  ?" 

Sez  she,  "Yes;  and  so  could  you  if  you'd  took  the  New 
York  papers  as  long  as  I  have. " 

Jest  then  I  held  up  my  hand  for  silence,  for  we  was  close  be- 
side her.  and  she  was  goin'  ontu  the  wharf. 

Jc^t  then,  tew,  we  observed  Mr.  Gulliver  fetchin'  a  policeman 
around  the  corner. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  211 

We  went  a  leetle  nearer,  and  she  stopped.  She  sots  the  bas- 
ket down,  and  sez  she,  out  loud  :  - 

' '  I  don't  half  like  it,  poor  little  wretch.  It's  got  to  be  done, 
though." 

Then  she  picks  up  the  basket  and  swings  it,  and  sez  she : 

"  Here  goes  then " 

But  I  caught  her  gownd,  and  Miss  Gulliver  screeched,  and 
the  policeman  and  Mr.  Gulliver  rushed  up  and  caught  her. 

Sez  she,  "Oh  dear!  oh  dear!  Help!  murder!  thieves! 
Oh!" 

Sez  the  policeman,  "None  of  that,  young  woman;  'twon't 
save  you. " 

Sez  she,    "Oh,  let  me  go!" 

Sez  he,    "When  I  get  you  to  the  station-house." 

Sez  she,    "You  ain't  arrestin'  me  ?" 

Sez  he,    "Don't  play  innocent." 

Sez  she,  "Oh  !  where  is  Mr.  Parten?  Why  ain't  he  here  tu 
purtect  me?" 

Sez  I,  "Nothin'  won't  purtect  you,  you  parracide.  You're 
caught  in  the  act.  Poor  little  critter  !  a  minute  more  you'd  a 
ended  its  life.  Give  me  the  basket. " 

"Lor',"  sez  she,    "all  this  fuss  ain't  about  this?" 

Sez  I,    "You  wretch!" 

Sez  Mr.  Gulliver,    "You  fiend  !" 

Sez  Miss  Gulliver,    "You  onnat'ral  relative  !" 

Sez  the  policeman,   "There'll  be  a  little  more  fuss  yet     I 


212  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

never  seen  anybody  take  it  so  cool  as  you.  Du  you  know  the 
penalty  ?" 

"No,"  sez  she.      "Du  you  belong  to  the  Humane  Society  ?" 

"No,"  sez  I.  "But  we  are  able  to  prevent  depravity  o'  this 
nature.  We  ain't  a-goin'  tu  stand  by  and  see  a  young  creeter 
murdered. " 

' '  Well, "  sez  she,    ' '  the  thing  was  sick. " 

"You'd  orter  cared  the  more  for  it,"  sez  Miss  Gulliver. 

"And  kept  me  awake  nights,"  sez  she. 

"Walk  along,"  sez  the  policeman. 

Sez  she,    ' '  You've  no  right  to  use  me  so. " 

Sez  I,    "How  hev  you  used  your  child?" 

"My  child?"  sez  she.      " I  haven't  one. " 

' '  No, "  sez  I,  ' '  p'raps  not  by  this  time.  It  may  be  smothered. 
Untie  the  strings,  Miss  Gulliver. " 

"Smothered?"  sez  she. 

"Yes,"  sez  I,    "it  may  be." 

She  stares,  and  sez  she  : 

"I  beg  your  pardon,  ma'am,  but  what  du  you  think  is  in  the 
basket  ?" 

"Your  murdered  infant !"  sez  I. 

"Gracious  goodness  !"  sez  she.     "You  ridiculous  old  thing." 

Sez  the  policeman,    "Of  all  hardened  women,  you  beat" 

Sez  Miss  Gulliver,  "I've  got  the  basket  open,  and  the  poor 
little  thing  is  inside.  It's  quite  naked,  but  it's  alive,  for  it 
moves.  Oh!"  sez  she,  "it's  gettin' up!"  and  she  screeches. 

Jest  then  we  came  under  a  street-lamp,  and  we  all  stopped. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  213 

The  light  was  bright,  and  we  all  saw  the  baby  give  a  jump,  and 
rise  up  on  all  fours. 

It  was  naked,  and  as  white  as  a  ghost. 

I  screeched,  and  Mr.  Gulliver  jest  caught  it  in  time  tu  save  it 
from  Tallin'  tu  the  ground  out  o'  the  basket 

"  Heavens  and  earth  !"  sez  he.      "It's " 

"Dead?"  sez  I. 

"No,"  sez  he.  " It  ain't  a  baby  at  all.  It's  a  Newfoundland 
pup.  What  a  confounded  set  of  fools  we  have  been.  If  ever  I 
listen  to  a  word  a  woman  says,  may  I  be  shot. " 

Well,  sure  enough,  it  was  a  pup,  and  instead  o'  turnin'  tu  me, 
as  they  ought,  and  sayin',  ' '  Miss  Grinder,  your  intentions  was 
the  best,  though  unforeseen  circumstances  prevents  them  from 
succeeding  "  they  sot  tew  apologize  tu  Miss  Parten. 

I  didn't  wait  tu  hear  'em  ;  I  jest  turned  away  and  proceeded 
home  with  dignitude,  and  tu-day  I'm  goin  tu  take  up  my  quar- 
ters elsewhere.  The  Gullivers  air  not  congenial,  and  though  I 
wish  'em  well,  I  don't  enjoy  myself. 


214  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  TWENTY-SIX. 

CHARITY   IS   THE   CAUSE   OF   A   DUEL. 

As  a  gineral  thing  I  don't  consider  how't  a  boardin'-house  is 
proper  fur  a  lady  that  ain't  as  yet  united  intu  the  holy  bonds  o' 
matrimony,  but  I've  been  obligated  tu  go  tu  one.  There's  a 
nat'ral  unhosperbility  in  Yorkers,  and  jest  at  present  the  heft  o' 
them  I  know  is  tu  mad  tu  stop  with,  anyway,  so  I've  took  board. 
It's  very  agreeable  here,  and  there's  several  gentlemen  o'  the 
greatest  intilectability.  The  only  fault  I  find  with  'em  is  they 
will  be  so  pinted  in  their  intentions  tu  me.  Can't  so  much  as 
look  at  the  salt  but  they  parse  it,  and  as  fur  butter,  I've  hed  tew 
plates  offered  me  at  once.  Not  that  the  landlady  would  hev 
none  handed  tu  nobody  ef  she  could  help  it,  I  do  believe.  Tew 
the  right  o'  me  sets  Perfesser  Huffin,  and  tu  the  left  there's 
Doctor  Optic,  and  oppersite  there's  a  very  fine  elderly  gentleman 
of  the  name  of  Mister  Brown,  Esquire — I  seen  it  on  a  letter, 
and  oilers  make  use  o'  the  'titles,  though  the  rest  don't;  and 
them  three  is  each  tryin'  tu  cut  the  other  out.  Makes  me  quite 
confused,  sometimes,  and  the  landlady,  Miss  Butler,  hoppin'1 
mad.  You  see,  like  the  heft  o'  widdys,  she  sottin'  her  cap  fur 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  215 

anybody  she  kin  get,  and  wants  tu  keep  the  hull  o'  their  inten- 
tions for  herself. 

Things  hed  gone  on  in  this  here  way  a  considerable  time, 
when  one  day  we  sot  down  tu  dinner  as  usual,  and  got  a-talkin 
o'  the  weather. 

"Amazin'  cold  for  this  time  o'  the  year,"  sez  the  perfesser. 

"Very,"  sez  the  doctor. 

"Good  nights  fur  sleepin',"  sez  Mr.  Brown,  Esquire. 

"Sleep,"  sez  the  perfesser.  "There's  no  sleep,  cold  or  warm, 
fur  the  cats.  Minute  I  retire,"  sez  he,  "tew  seek  kind  Natur's 
sweet  disturber,  that  minuU  they  begin  tu  howl. " 

"It  is  awful!"  sez  Miss  Butler,  puttin'  in  her  oar.  "Poor 
Miss  Jennings  and  famerly  didn't  rest  at  all,  they  say." 

"It's  infamous!"  sez  the  perfesser,  handing  round  the  bread. 

There  was  tew  dishes  on  the  table,  and  it  so  happened,  jest  as 
he  handed  me  his'n,  Mr.  Brown,  Esquire,  handed  me  one  from 
the  other  side. 

Now  I  was  in  a  diplomy — you  may  imagine.  Ef  I  took  the 
perfesser's,  why,  nat'rally,  I'd  offend  Mr.  Brown,  Esquire. 

"La,"  sez  I,  my  heart  palpi tatin',  though  I  strove  tu  conceal 
it.  "La !  I'm  forehanded  fur  bread — dunno  which  tew  take." 

"Mine  is  the  nearest,"  sez  the  perfesser. 

"So  it  air,"  sez  I,  and  helped  myself.  "Obligated  all  the 
same  tu  you,  Mr.  Brown,  Esq.,"  sez  I. 

He  looked  smilin',  but  I  knowed  how't  he  hed  a  command  o' 
countenance,  and  was  able  fur  tu  dissimerlate. 


2i6  THE  GR1XDER  PAPERS. 

There  was  more  talk  about  the  cats  and  things  arter  that,  and 
then  some  about  the  high  prices,  and  when  they'd  come  down. 

"Peas  is  exorbiant,"  sez  Miss  Butler,  "and  as  fur  grass,  you'd 
be  astonished  tu  know  how  much  it  comes  tew,  and  I'm  sure 
they  only  put  a  quart  in  their  half  pecks  nowadays. " 

"I  should  think  so,"  sez  I.  "You  must  be  cheated  awful, 
Miss  Butler;  the  taters didn't  more'n  go  round  once." 

She  turns  up  her  nose,  and  speaks  to  the  waiter  gal,  and  she 
fetched  in  the  pie — about  tew  inches  tew  each  head  of  boarders, 
and  a  fork  as  big  as  a  pitchfork  to  pick  it  up  with. 

The  perfesser  made  tew  bites  o'  his'n,  but  the  doctor  jest  swal- 
lowed his  at  one.  He  eats  purty  quick,  because  he's  in  a  hurry 
tew  get  back  tew  his  room,  on  account  o'  a  book  on  the  causes 
o'  dispepsy  he's  writin'. 

Well,  he  hurried  off,  but  Mr.  Brown,  Esq.,  and  the  perfesser 
lingered  tew  the  last 

We'd  left  the  table,  and  I  was  lookin'  out  o'  the  windy,  when 
I  heerd  the  fust-named  gentleman  say  : 

"Perfesser,  may  I  hev  a  moment  o'  conversation  with  you?" 

"Sartainly,  sir,"  sez  the  perfesser,  and  in  a  minute  I  began  to 
guess  what  was  goin'  on. 

I  seen  'em  go  tew  the  balcony,  and  I  follered.  Nat' rally  I 
was  obliged  tew  wait  a  minute  before  I  concealed  myself  in  the 
curlings,  so  I  lost  the  fust  o'  the  conversation.  But  I  heerd 
enough,  as  it  was. 

The  fust  words  I  remember  was  these  : 

"You  agree  then,  sir?" 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  217 

"Delighted,  I'm  sure,"  sez  the  perfesser. 

"I'm  a  good  shot,"  sez  Mr.  Brown,  Esq. 

"So  am  /,"  sez  the  perfesser.  "Dew  you  prefer  a  Minie  rifle 
or  a  revolver  ?" 

"A  revolver,"  sez  Mr.  Brown,  Esq. 

"I'll  take  the  rifle,"  sez  the  perfesser. 

"Well,  at  eleven,  then.     You'll  meet  me  here?" 

"Punctually,"  sez  Mr.  Brown,  Esq. 

And  the  tew  dispersed,  leavin'  me  in  a  swoondin'  condition 
under  the  curtings. 

"What  shill  I  dew?"  sez  I.  "Fervent  it,  if  possible,  but 
heow  ?" 

'Twas  sartain  Miss  Butler  warn't  a  pertickeler  friend  o'  mine, 
but  it  warn't  likely  she'd  be  willin'  tew  hev  a  duel  in  her  house ; 
and,  at  last,  I  concluded  tew  confide  in  her.  The  day  was 
drawin'  tew  a  close,  and  no  time  was  tew  be  lost. 

Jest  as  the  clock  struck  nine,  I  went  intu  the  dining-room, 
where  she  was  mixin'  fritters,  and  sez  I  : 

"  Miss  Butler,  I've  got  suthin'  tew  tell  you." 

"Tew  tell  me"  sez  she. 

"Yes,  'm,"  sez  I.  "It  is  an  affair  o'  the  utmost  importance, 
or  I  wouldn't  hev  troubled  you. " 

' '  'Tain't  bugs,  is  it  ?"  sez  she. 

"No,"  sez  I.  "Them  I  can't  come  tew  speak  of,  whatever 
I  may  feel." 

' '  You  ain't  gettin'  cholera,  I  hope, "  sez  she.  ' '  Because  this 
house  ain't  a  hospital,  and  I  wouldn't  want  it  burned  down,  and 


2i8  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS, 

my  boarders  would  leave  me  if  I  was  put  into  tents  and  barri- 
caded." 

"I  am  puffectly  salubrious,  ma'am,"  sez  I. 

' '  Well, "  sez  she,    ' '  what  is  it  ?" 

"A  affair  o'  bloodshed,"  sez  I. 

"Hey?"  sez  she. 

"A  dewel,"  sez  I. 

"  A  dewel  ?"  sez  she. 

"Yes,"  sez  I.  "Don't  ask  me  who  is  the  unhappy  cause ; 
but  tew  o'  your  boarders  has  quarreled,  and  a  dewel  is  the  con- 
sequence." 

"  Dewels  ain't  fought  nowadays,"  sez  she. 

Sez  I :  "I  heerd  the  app'ntment.  At  table,  Mr.  Brown,  Es- 
quire, and  the  perfesser  both  parsed  the  same  lady,  whose  name 
I  needn't  mention,  a  plate  o'  bread.  From  that  has  ariz  a  quar- 
rel o'  a  fearful  natur',  and  they  are  goin  tew  fight — him  with  a 
revolver,  and  the  perfesser  with  a  gun. 

"When?"  sez  she. 

"At  eleven  tu-night,  on  the  balcony,"  sez  I. 

"The  old  fools!"  sez  she. 

"Lor'!"  sez  I,  "no  such  great  fools.  They  consider how't 
their  affections  has  been  trifled  with. " 

"Bother!"  sez  she.      "The  perfesser  owes  me  tew  weeks' 

}  board.     We  must  tell  Doctor  Optic,  and  get  advice.     Of  course, 

if  we  told  'em  beforehand,  they'd  do  it  somewhere  else.     I  dew 

think  they're   crazy.     They  must  hev  quarreled  about  suthin' 

more  important. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  219 

Sez  I,    "I  wish  I  could  think  so,  Miss  Butler." 

Then  I  sighed. 

"Ruining  a  respectable  boardin'-house,"  sez  she.  "/won't 
hev  it.  People  putting  their  lives  in  danger,  while  they  owe  me 
tew  weeks'  board. " 

Then  she  jest  pulled  down  her  sleeves,  and  we  ran  up  tew  the 
doctor's  room.  There  we  told  him  the  whole  story. 

He  wouldn't  believe  it  at  first  Then  he  said  how  'twas  a 
joke. 

"  'Twouldn't  do  to  accuse  'em  of  it,"  he  said.  "It's  ridicu- 
lous." 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  tell  you  what;  there's  a  pantry  in  the  din- 
in'-room ;  let  us  three  go  in  there  and  watch.  Ef  they  don't 
come,  we're  mistook.  Ef  they  do,  we'll  prevent  bloodshed. " 

Sez  Miss  Butler,  "That's  a  very  good  plan ;"  but,  jest  as  she 
said  that,  the  door-bell  rang,  and  there  come  a  message  how't 
her  married  daughter  Perliny  had  got  a  heir,  and  she  was  tu  come 
and  dress  it. 

"Lor',"  sez  she,  "I've  got  tew  go;  but  here's  the  key  o' 
the  pantry.  You  and  the  doctor  kin  watch  as  well  as  me. 
Mind,  it  locks  outside." 

Well,  I  took  the  keys,  and  as  it  was  gettin'  on,  me  and  the 
doctor  went  down  at  once ;  we  didn't  take  a  light,  and  it  was 
purty  dark,  but  we  unlocked  the  pantry  and  went  in.  I  was 
fur  leavin'  the  door  open,  but  the  doctor  shut  it  tew  avoid  obser- 
vation. 

Well,  we  waited  about  an  hour,  and  at  the  eend  o'  that  time 


220  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

there  was  a  noise — footsteps  a-comin'  down  stairs.  Next  min- 
ute I  heerd  the  perfesser's  voice. 

"Mr.  Brown,"  sez  he,    "here's  the  revolver." 

"Thank  you,  sir,"  sez  Mr.  Brown,  Esq. 

"You  are  right,  after  all,"  sez  the  doctor.  "Gracious 
heavens,  what  a  pair  of  idiots !  Open  the  door,  please,  Miss 
Grinder. 

"I  can't  find  the  handle,"  sez  L 

"  Neither  can  I,"  sez  he. 

Then  the  truth  flashed  onto  me. 

"Doctor,"  sez  I,  "this  here  is  one  o  them  locks  only  onto 
one  side.  We  can't  get  out " 

"You're  right,"  sez  he.      "We're  in  a  trap." 

"We  can't  prevent  the  dewel,"  sez  I.  " They're  at  it  now. 
Kick,  doctor." 

' '  'Tain't  any  use, "  sez  the  doctor ;  ' '  it's  unpossible  tew  git 
out" 

Just  then  suthin' went  "bang'!" 

"They're  shootin',"  sez  I. 

"Great  goodness  !  yes,"  sez  the  doctor. 

Bang  went  suthin'  else. 

"That's  the  rifle,"  sez  the  doctor. 

And  the  perfesser's  voice  was  heerd  : 

"I've  shot  him — through  the  head." 

"He's  murdered  Mr.  Brown,  Esq.,"  sez  I. 

"  Help  !"  yells  the  doctor. 

"Murder!"  sez  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  221 

"Fire  !"  sez  the  doctor. 

"Murder!  murder!  murder!  Thieves!"  sez  I.  "Perfesser 
has  shot  Mr.  Brown,  Esq.  \  Help  1  help !" 

We  heerd  the  boarders  rushin'  about  Soon  they  was  down 
stairs. 

"Where  air  they?"  sez  one. 

"Where  air  they  ?"  sez  another. 

"Inhere,"  sez  somebody. 

And  they  pulled  the  pantry  door  open.  Then  the  hull  horror 
o'  our  sittuvation  rushed  upon  me. 

"What's  the  matter ?"  sez  one. 

"Oh,  it's  Miss  Grinder,"  sez  another. 

Sez  the  doctor : 

"Friends,  this  ain't  no  time  to  explain.  Murder  has  been 
done.  Perfesser  Huffin  has  assassernated  Mr.  Brown." 

"  And  me  the  afflicted  cause,"  sez  I.  "Why  didn't  I  take 
tew  breads  ?" 

The  ladies  was  faintin',  the  gentlemen  standin'  stock-still,  and 
me  a-wringin'  my  hands,  when  the  windy  opens,  and  in  walks 
the  perfesser  with  his  rifle. 

"Apprehend  the  murderer  !"  sez  the  doctor. 

But  nobody  liked  tew  tech  him  for  fear  he'd  fire. 

He  looks  round,  and  sez  : 

"What  on  airth!" 

"  Ah  !"  sez  the  doctor,    "don't  dissemble,  villain !" 

"You've  shot  him,"  sez  I.      "We  heerd  you." 

Sez  he:  "Ihopelhev." 


222  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"  Wretch  !"  sez  the  doctor. 

"Yes,"  sez  he,  "through  the  head.  He'll  not  trouble  me 
again. " 

"Don't  think  I  shall  favor  your  intentions,"  sez  I.  "No; 
Charity  Grinder  is  not  to  be  won  thus." 

" Hey  !"  sez  he.      "He  warn't  yours — was  he?" 

"Sir!"  sez  I. 

"Arrest  the  murderer  !"  sez  the  doctor. 

The  perfesser  stares.  Jest  then  the  winder  opens  again,  and 
in  comes  Mr.  Brown,  Esq.,  with  tew  cats  by  the  tails — one 
black,  and  one  gray. 

"Land  o'  liberty !"  sez  he.  "  Didn't  expect  so  much  company. 
But,  since  you're  here,  this  is  the  perfesser's,  and  this  mine. 
We'll  hev  some  sleep  now,  I  reckon." 

Sez  the  doctor :   ' '  Did  you  come  down  here  tew  shoot  cats  /*" 

"  Yes,"  sez  he.      "Don't  you  see  'em  ?" 

' '  Miss  Grinder  informed  me "  sez  the  doctor. 

But  I  didn't  wait  tew  hear  no  more.  I  flowed  tew  my  room, 
and  this  mornin'  am  about  tew  leave.  Arter  the  remarks  that 
has  been  made  about  me,  my  dignitude  demands  that  I  should 
go- 

P.  S. — Couldn't  the  society  fur  the  development  o'  cruelty  to 
animals  do  nothin'  about  the  shootin'  o'  thim  cats?  I'd  like  to 
hev  the  perfesser  and  Mr.  Brown,  Esquire,  hung  for  it  if  I  could. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  223 


NUMBER  TWENTY-SEVEN. 

CHARITY      REVEALS      A      FAMILY      SECRET. 

He,  he,  he  !  Here  I  am,  Samanthy.  Don't  you  go  to  run- 
nin'  away.  'Tain't  no  stranger — only  me.  I  hate  bein'  stiff 
and  ceremonious,  so  I  jest  come  in  the  back  kitching  way,  with- 
out knocking.  Don't  ye  make  any  company  o'  me.  A  plate 
o'  milk-toast,  or  strawberry  short-cake,  or  an  omlight,  or  any- 
thin'  you  happen  to  toss  up  will  do  for  lunch.  I  allus  make  a 
p'int  o'  takin'  that  at  a  friend's.  These  here  restorationers  cheat 
so.  Land  o'  liberty !  they  charge  all  creation  fur  a  couple  o' 
bites,  and  restoration  vittles  kinder  seems  to  leave  you  empty  ; 
besides,  you  come  under  the  observation  o'  the  men  sect,  which 
has  a  habit  o'  starin'  at  persons  o'  a  prepossessin'  appearance, 
even  if  they  air  approachin'  matoority. 

Washin',  hey  ?  How  yaller  your  things  hev  got  But  playin' 
the  pianner  and  crotcheting  don't  make  good  workin'  hands. 

Well,  I  hain't  seen  ye  sence  you  was  about  thirteen,  I  should 
say.  You  don't  favor  your  age — kinder  scraggy  and  yaller  you've 
got.  But  them  that  marries  early  ginerally  shows  it.  Singular 
blessedness  fur  me,  unless  me  and  my  pardner  was  congenial. 

You  hope  you  and  Simeon  air?     Oh,  well,  I  don't  say  but 


224  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

what  you  be — only  folks  are  allers  askin'  me  how  on  airth  you 
caught  him. 

Didn't  hev  to  ketch,  hey  ?  So  I  allers  say.  Sez  I,  "S'poshY 
I'd  made  up  my  mind  to  hev  any  one.  Sim  Slum  would  have 
been  the  last.  Fustly,  his  hair  is  most  on't  gone,  and  next  his 
legs  is  bow  ;  and  then  the  pecooliarity  o'  his  sittiwation  would 
ha'  deterred  a  lady  o'  my  delicacy  o'  feelin'  from  unitin'  with 
him. 

What  pecooliarity  ?  Never  knowed  nothin',  eh  ?  Why,  good 
gracious !  there's  a'most  an  awful  secret  connected  with  the  birth 
o'  your  pardner.  Sence  he  hasn't  told  it,  probably  I'm  indis- 
criminate in  alludin'  tu  it  I  sha'n't  say  nothin'  more.  Don't 
urge  me.  Pass  me  the  cold  mutton,  please,  and  the  salt. 

You  must  know?  Why,  marsy  me!  I  wouldn't  hev  spoke  ef 
I'd  a-thought — though  'twas  pecooliar  fur  tu  take  a  pardner  with- 
out tellin'  her.  Your  husband,  Miss  Slum,  dunno  tu  this  day 
whether  he's  his  own  uncle  or  his  own  nephew. 

Am  I  crazy  ?  Law,  no !  Jest  keep  up  your  sperits  and  I'll 
tell  ye. 

Old  Grand'ther  Slum  lost  his  fust  wife  airly,  you  know,  and 
him  and  his  son  Eben,  they  kep'  bachelder's  hall  together,  until 
Eben  was  thirty.  Then  he  took  and  got  married  to  a  widdy 
with  a  grown  gal  o'  sixteen.  He  did  it  unbeknownst  to  grand'- 
ther,  and  the  old  gentleman  was  hoppin'  mad. 

Sez  he,  "I'll  punish  him  for  it,  ef  I  kin,"  and  the  way  he 
took  was  to  marry  the  widdy 's  darter. 

He  punished  himself  the  worst,  for  she  led  him  a  awful  life — 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  225 

was  one  o'  them  critters  that  would  go  out — and  he  was  so  jeal- 
ous he  allers  went  with  her,  rheumatics  or  not.  Finally  it  killed 
him — hain't  a  doubt  That  ain't  the  story,  though. 

Well,  the  two  couple  wouldn't  speak  for  awhile,  but  in  a  year 
or  so  they  made  up,  and  went  to  live  in  his  own  house — grand'- 
ther's,  I  mean — away  at  the  eend  o'  Peekskill.  There  they  staid. 

Well,  one  night  I  was  stayin'  with  Miss  Doctor  Kobbles — she 
was  a  friend  o'  mine — when  some  one  flies  up  the  steps  and 
bangs  the  knocker,  and  sez  he,  when  we  looks  out : 

" Doctor  Kobbles  in?" 

Sez  Miss  Kobbles,    "No,"  sez  she.      "Where  is  it?" 

"The  senior  Mr.  Slum's,"  sez  he. 

"Well,"  sez  she,  "what  a  pity  he's  outl  I'll  come,"  and 
off  she  went  in  a  hurry. 

A  few  minutes  arter  the  bell  rung  agin. 

I  went  tu  the  door. 

"Docter  in?"  sez  a  voice. 

"No,"  sez  I,    " but  he's  expected.     Where  is  it?" 

"Well,"  sez  he,    "  it's  at  the  junior  Mr.  Slum's." 

Sez  I,  ' '  I'll  come,  and  leave  word  for  the  doctor, "  and  over 
I  went. 

Well,  two  such  handsome  babies  I  never  saw — you  know  ugly 
people  is  said  to  be  handsome  babies  ginerally — a  couple  o' 
most  beautiful  boys.  Me  and  Miss  Kobbles  dressed  'em  like 
picters,  and  put  'em  side  by  side  in  the  crib  together. 

"Ain't  they  like  twins?"  sez  she. 

"Indeed  they  are,"  sez  I. 


226  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

And  then,  bein'  exhausted  with  the  excitement,  we  jest  sot 
down  and  had  a  glass  o'  toddy.  Not  as  a  beveridge — me  and 
Miss  Kobble  was  above  takin'  it  that  way — but  as  a  medicine. 

There  was  some  cake,  tu,  and  we  eat  that,  and  talked  and 
rocked,  and  had  a  comfortable  time,  until  some  one  knocked  at 
the  door,  and  in  comes  the  two  pas. 

Sez  old  Mr.  Slum,  in  a  hurry,  "Nice  boy,  eh?  Look  like 
me?" 

' '  Law,  yes, "  sez  L      "  The  image. " 

Sez  Mr.  Slum,  junior,    "How  about  mine?" 

"Well,  he  favors  his  ma,"  sez  Miss  Kobbles. 

' '  They're  both  beauties, "  sez  I. 

Just  then  in  comes  the  doctor. 

"The  finest  children  /ever  saw,"  sez  he. 

' '  And  the  senior  Mr.  Slum's  looks  like  him,  don't  he,  doc- 
tor?" sez  Miss  Kobbles. 

' '  Precisely, "  sez  the  doctor. 

"And  the  junior  Mr.  Slum's — he's  the  image  o'  Miss  Slum, 
hain't  he?"  sez  I. 

"Such  a  likeness  /never  knew,"  sez  the  doctor. 

Well,  Mr.  Slum,  junior,  looked  pleased,  and  Mr.  Slum, 
senior,  a  little  taller  than  before ;  and  finally  he  walks  up  to  the 
cradle,  and  sez  he : 

"Well,  now,  this — ah,  yes — this — ahem — which  is  mine, 
Miss  Kobbles  ?" 

She  turns  red  as  a  beet,  and  sez  she : 

"Law,  as  if  you  didn't  know  !     Tell  him,  Charity." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  227 

Sez  I,    "I  sha'n't.     Let  him  guess. " 

' '  Well, "  sez  she,    ' '  doctor,  you  tell  him. " 

"I  don't  know  myself,  my  dear,"  sez  the  doctor. 

Sez  she,    "Massy  me!" 

Sez  I,    "Don't  tell  me,  Miss  Kobbles,  how't you've  forgot !" 

Sez  she,   ' '  Don't  say  you  hev,  Charity. " 

I  sot  down  onto  a  cheer,  and  couldn't  speak.  I  didn't  know 
which  was  which  any  more'n  the  rest  did  ;  and  what's  more  I 
never  did  know,  and  never  expect  to. 

Mr.  Slum,  junior,  stood  and  stared.  Mr.  Slum,  senior,  pulled 
ontu  his  hair. 

"Tell  me  which  is  my  child,"  sez  he. 

Sez  I,    "I  can't." 

Sez  Doctor  Kobbles,   "/can't.     Perhaps  instinct  may  teach 


"Instinct  be  bothered,"  sez  Mr.  Slum.  "Tell  me  which  is 
my  offspring." 

"It's  past  the  power  o'  man,  unless  the  clothes  is  marked," 
sez  the  doctor. 

Sez  I,    "  We'll  find  out  by  them." 

But  come  tu  look  they  were  mixed  up,  tu.  Some  o'  one's  on 
this,  and  some  o'  t'others  on  that. 

Well,  Mr.  Slum,  senior,  tore  his  hair,  and  pounded  his  head 
until  he  skeered  us  ;  and  Mr.  Slum,  junior,  sez  :  I 

"  Pa,  sence  it  can't  be  helped,  make  the  best  on't.  One  baby 
is  the  same  as  another,  a'most. " 

Sez  the  old  gentleman  :   • 


228  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"The  same!  Why,  Eben  Slum,  air  you  distracted?  How 
will  my  unhappy  child  ever  know  whether  he's  his  owa  uncle  or 
own  nephew?  That's  the  awful  consequence  o'  this  mixin'. 
He'll  never  know  his  proper  relationship  tu  his  own  famerly. " 

"Never  thought  o'  that,  par,"  sez  Mr.  Slum,  junior.  "What 
shill  we  du  ?" 

There  warn't  nuthin'  tu  be  done,  only  fetch  'em  up. 
But  old  Mr.  Slum  told  Dr.  Kobbles  how't  he'd  intended  for  tu 
disinherit  Eben,  and  leave  the  heft  o'  the  property  tu  this  child, 
and  now  'twarn't  no  use,  because  he  might  be  makin'  a  mistake 
and  disinheritin'  his  own  child  for  Eben's. 

Then  jest  consider  the  poor  Miss  Slums'  state  o'  mind.  Miss 
Eben  Slum  might  be  nursin'  her  own  half-brother  and  brother- 
in-law,  instead  o'  her  son.  And  Miss  Slum,  senior,  might  fetch 
up  her  step-grandson,  instead  o'  her  own  heir.  Then  what  on 
airth  was  tu  be  done  when  they  was  christened  ? 

Twas  a  house  o'  mournin'  for  a  spell,  and  the  reporters  from 
the  "Peekskill  Budjet  o'  News"  came  down  to  find  out  about 
it,  and  hev  the  babies'  fotographs. 

Poor,  dear  Miss  Slums ;  they  didn't  know  which  to  take  nor 
how  tu  choose. 

Fust  week  they  divided  'em  round,  and  then  'twas  discovered 
that  the  one  Miss  Eben  Slum  had  was  goin'  to  hev  black  hair, 
and  must  be  Miss  Slum's  the  senior,  for  Mr.  Slum  the  senior 
was  dark.  Next  week  the  black  hair  rubbed  off,  and  growed  in 
red,  and  they  changed  back,  for  Eben  had  red  hair.  Finally  it 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  229 

was  discovered  how't  the  red-haired  one  was  goin'  to  hev  a  hor- 
rid big  mouth,  and  Miss  Slum,  junior,  would  change  back  again 
And  so  it  kept  on. 

Finally  one  turned  out  so  pretty  that  both  insisted  he  was 
their'n.  That,  of  course,  warn' t  your  Simeon.  Then  they  sot 
'em  on  the  floor  tu  see  which  they'd  creep  tu,  and  decide  by 
that ;  and  then  there  was  a  heap  o'  changin',  for  they  went  dif- 
ferent every  time ;  and  at  last  whenever  one  cried  very  hard, 
that  one's  pa  would  change  him,  if  'twas  the  middle  o'  the  night, 
feelin'  sure  how't  the  yellin'  one  warn't  his'n  by  the  natur'  o'  his 
feelin'  toward  it 

Poor  Miss  Slum,  junior,  said  she  couldn't  get  no  rest  at  nights, 
it  got  to  be  so  bad  at  last. 

Well,  so  it  went  on  when  they  went  to  school.  If  one  was 
ahead  o'  his  class,  both  mas  claimed  him.  Ef  one  had  the 
hoopincough,  both  mas  was  sartin  sure  he  warn't  their'n,  and 
finally  they  quarreled  so  that  the  husbands  declared  they'd 
stop  it. 

So  they  did,  somehow.  Some  say  they  turned  up  a  cent,  and 
others  agin  that  they  grabbed  'em  up  in  the  dark.  But  any 
way,  at  last  they  took  'em  to  be  christened,  and  kept  'em  after 
that  as  they  was. 

However,  I  don't  believe  they  really  knew,  and  it's  as  true  as 
I  set  here,  how't  I  couldn't  tell  if  I  was  to  die  for  it  whether 
Simeon  Slum  is  his  own  uncle  or  his  own  nephew. 

'Twarn't  right  o'  him  not  to  tell  you.     But  don't  look  so  aw- 


230  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

ful  womblecropt — it's  a  mercy,  seein'  he's  so  humbly,  and  don't 
enjoy  a  good  temper,  that  either  would  hev  him. 

Pass  the  pie,  please,  and  make  my  tea  a  bit  sweeter,  and  then 
if  you'll  lend  me  suthin'  you  may  jest  souse  this  gownd  intu 
your  suds,  for  it  needs  doin'  up. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  231 


NUMBER  TWENTY-EIGHT. 

CHARITY      DISCOVERS       A       BURGLAR. 

York  is  a  most  an  awful  place.  It  takes  a  spell  tu  find  out 
what  the  people  be.  When  I  fust  arrived  I  used  tu  be  contin- 
ooally  imposed  on  tu.  Hed  my  pocket  picked,  gin  away  silver 
tu  a  burgular,  and  was  fur  all  the  world  like  a  poor  innercent 
canary  in  a  garret  full  o'  cats.  Hows'ever,  I've  gained  experience 
now.  And  there's  one  advantage  o'  bein'  o'  the  years  o'  ap- 
proachin'  matoority — you  dew  gain  experience.  I  know  how 
tu  judge  York  human  nature  the  minnit  I  set  eyes  on  'em. 

These  here  young  men  with  light  kids,  and  colored  neck-ties, 
and  mustaches,  and  shiny  tall  hats — them's  all  pickpockets. 
And  them  big  fellers  with  hats  on  the  backs  o'  their  heads,  gin- 
erally  white  ones,  and  their  sleeves  pulled  up  a  bit,  and  nice, 
fat,  white  hands — they're  card-playin'  gambolers.  And  them 
young  gals  with  jockeys  and  men's  straw  hats — they're  female 
pickpockets.  And  them  middlin'-aged  wimmin,  dressed  up  tu 
kill,  are  awful  critters.  And  them  rough  sort  o'  men  with  holes 
in  their  elbers,  and  no  neck-ties — they're  highway  burgulars. 
And  the  men  in  white  cravats,  that  you'd  take  for  clergymen — 
they  are  impostures.  And  the  little  children  that  come  a  beg- 


232  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

gin',  are  all  little  thieves ;  and  the  heft  o'  the  female  help  is 
thieves,  and  the  heft  o'  the  male  help,  murderers,  and  all  tu- 
gether  York  is  a  dangerous  place. 

I  consider,  how't  knowin'  this,  I  can't  be  took  in  any  more. 
A  proof  o'  my  penetration  was  in  what  happened  last  Wednes- 
day down  to  Machias  Tibbs'.  Why,  hain't  you  heerd  on't?  Du 
tell !  Machias  and  me  went  tu  school  tugether,  and  he  used  tu 
be  my  little  beau — warn't  o'  an  intilectible  dispersition,  though, 
and  not  tu  my  taste,  so't  I  fur  one  didn't  care  when  Suke  Peters 
sot  her  cap  fur  him  and  got  him.  He  was  afeard  tu  say  he 
wouldn't  hev  her,  I  reckon,  fur  she  was  awful  humbly,  and  did 
the  heft  o'  the  courtin'  herself.  She  was  a  Bosting  girl.  Well, 
they  stepped  off,  and  made  out  wonderful.  About  a  couple  o' 
weeks  ago  I  met  Machias  trottin'  up  street  with  a  boy  by  the. 
hand  and  was  so  astonished  I  screeched  out 

"Land  o'  liberty!"  sez  I.      "'Tain't  Machias  Tibbs?" 

"  I  reckon  that's  Miss  Grinder,"  sez  he. 

"It  is,"  sez  I.      "  But  I  thought  you  was  tu  Bosting." 

"Sez  he,  "We've  moved  down  here.  Better  place  for  busi- 
ness. " 

"Getting  along?"  sez  I. 

' '  Wonderful, "  sez  he. 

"Miss  Tibbs  well  ?"  sez  I. 

' '  Fat  as  butter, "  sez  he.      ' '  Come  and  see  us. " 

So  I  got  their  number,  and  went  next  day  tu  stay  a  month. 

They  lived  purty  nice.  Had  four  girls  and  a  boy,  and  kept 
two  helps.  First  week  I  was  there  it  all  went  on  nicely,  though 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  233 

I  didn't  like  the  looks  o'  the  chambermaid.  But  the  second 
v/eek,  that  gal  went  off  one  night  in  Miss  Tibbs'  best  cloak  and 
bunnit  and  never  came  back,  and  the  cook  was  found  tipsy  down 
cellar  with  a  barrel  o'  ale  runnin'  away  and  soakin'  her,  and  was 
turned  off.  So  both  gals  was  gone  and  Miss  Tibbs  was  obliga- 
ted to  get  a  couple  more. 

Sez  she,  "Will  you  take  keer  o'  the  home  while  I'm  gone, 
Miss  Grinder?"  sez  she. 

"With  pleasure,"  sez  I.  So  off  she  went  to  the  intelligence 
office,  takin'  the  boy  with  her.  The  gals  was  at  school,  so  the 
hull  responserbility  o'  purtectin'  the  property  rested  on  my  shoul- 
ders. I  had  a  kind  o'  a  presentiment  how't  suthin'  would  hap- 
pen, and  I  sez  tu  myself,  Charity  Grinder,  sez  I,  whatever  tryin' 
sitavation  you  air  placed  in,  remember  fur  tu  show  how't  your 
courage  is  equal  tu  the  emergency,  and  prove  yourself  an  honor 
tu  the  female  sect. 

My  sperits  was  riz  by  this  here  resolution,  and  I  sot  down  tu 
pass  the  time  by  readin'  some  o'  Miss  Tibbs'  letters,  when  the 
bell  rings.  There  was  suthin'  in  that  ring  that  gave  me  a  start 
I  locked  up  Miss  Tibbs'  desk  again  and  went  tu  the  door.  There 
I  found  a  young  man  waitin'. 

Sez  he,    "Is  this  here  Miss  Tibbs?" 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"Own  the  house?"  sez  he. 

' '  Yes, "  sez  I. 

"What's  its  value?"  sez  he. 

I  told  him. 


234  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS 

"  Has  he  money  in  the  bank?"  sez  he. 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"How  much ?"  sez  he. 

"Dunno,"  sez  I. 

And  he  went  on  askin'  questions  and  writin'  'em  down,  until 
I  couldn't  think  what  on  airth  was  the  meanin'  un't,  unless  the 
young  man  was  out  o'  his  mind. 

At  last,  sez  he,    ' '  Is  there  a  pianner  in  the  house  ?" 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  beginnin'  tu  understand. 
Then  sez  he,    "Air  there  any  watches  or  diamonds?" 
Then  I  knowed  for  certain. 

This  here  young  man  a-sittin'  in  the  hall,  alone  with  a  unper- 
tected  female,  in  a  deserted  dwellin',  was  a  burgular. 
' '  Any  watches  or  diamonds  ?"  sez  he. 
Sez  I,  arter  a  minute's  consideration  : 

"Yes,  Miss  Tibbs  has  one  and  so's  he,  and  she's  a  ring  and  a 
pin." 

"Any  silver?"  sez  he. 

' '  Spoons,  and  forks,  and  other  things, "  sez  I. 

"Any  sewing-machine?"  sez  he. 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,    "  Now  what  d'ye  s'pose  the  silver  is  wuth  ?" 

"Well,"  sez  I,   "not  much." 

He  looks  kind  o'  doubtful. 

Sez  I,    "Ef  you'd  like  tu  see  it  you  could  'udge." 

' '  Very  well, "  sez  he. 

"Come  this  way,"  sez  I. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  235 

'Twas  a  kind  o'  an  old-fashioned  house,  and  back  o'  the  stairs 
was  a  big  clothes-press.  Miss  Tibbs  put  winter  things  in  it  fur 
summer. 

I  opened  the  door  o'  this,  and  sez  I : 

"The  silver  is  on  a  shelf  in  there,  ef  you'll  look  in." 

In  he  goes,  and  that  minnit  I  bangs  the  door  tu,  and  locks  it, 
and  puts  the  key  in  my  pocket. 

"Hullo!"  he  hollers.      "What  are  you  doing,  old  lady?" 

Sez  I,  "I'm  goin'  fur  the  perlice,  you  wicked  wretch  you. 
You  thought  you'd  make  a  fool  o'  me,  did  you  ?  I've  lived  in 
York  tu  long  fur  that,  you  abominable  larcening  burgular." 

Then  I  bolts  the  door  in  two  places — fur  it  had  bolts  as  well 
as  keys — and  knowed  I  had  him  safe.  Then  I  sot  out  fur  a 
perlice. 

I  went  without  so  much  as  puttin'  on  a  bunnit,  and  jest  at  the 
corner  who  should  I  meet  but  Mr.  Tibbs.  Some  business  had 
brung  him  home. 

" Heving  has  sent  you,  Mr.  Tibbs,"  sez  I. 

"Why,  what's  the  matter?"  sez  he. 

Sez  I,    "Burgulars  is  in  your  house !" 

"  Goodness  gracious  !"  sez  he. 

' '  They're  locked  up  in  the  pantry,  and  I'm  goin'  fur  the  per- 
lice," sez  I. 

"Goodness  gracious  !"  sez  he.  "How  can  I  ever  thank  you, 
Miss  Grinder?" 

"No  occasion,"  sez  I.  "Merit  is  its  own  reward.  I'm  ob- 
ligated tu  ye  ?" 


236  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Sez  he,  "We'd  better  make  haste.  The  wretch  might  escape, 
or  Miss  Tibbs  might  return." 

"The  house  and  pantry  is  both  locked,"  sezl,  showin' him 
the  keys. 

He  squoze  my  hand. 

Well,  all  this  while  we  were  hurryin'  on,  and  at  last  we  came 
tu  the  station'us. 

Mr.  Tibbs  rushes  in. 

"My  house  is  attacked  by  burgulars,"  sez  he,  "and  I  need 
assistance."  Then  he  kinder  danced  about.  "Immediately," 
sez  he.  ' '  Don't  be  so  long  about  it  I  shall  be  robbed  of 
everything  I  possess  ef  you  don't  make  more  haste. " 

Some  o'  the  perlice  stared  and  didn't  say  nuthin' ;  but,  finally, 
a  couple  came  along  with  us.  'Twas  high  time,  fur  when  we 
got  there  Miss  Tibbs  was  a-standin'  on  the  porch  along  with  the 
new  cook  gal. 

"Land  o'  Goshen !"  sez  she,    "what  on  airth  is  the  matter?" 

Sez  I,  "Be  carm,  Miss  Tibbs;  your  house  is  invaded  by  bur- 
gulars." 

She  clasps  her  hands. 

"Kitch  me,  Tibbs,"  sez  she,    "I'm  goin'  tu  faint." 

"I  hain't  got  time,"  sez  he,  openin'  the  door.  "Now,  per- 
lice, I  hope  you're  well  armed,  fur  no  doubt  you'll  hev  trouble. " 

' ' Oh,  that's  him, "  sez  Miss  Tibbs ;  "I  hear  him  now. " 

And  sure  enough  the  burgular  was  kickin'  and  yellin'  fur  tu 
be  let  out 

Sez  Mr.  Tibbs : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  237 

"We'll  let  you  out  soon  enough,  my  man." 

Then  he  got  behind  the  hall  table. 

"  Du  yer  duty,  perlice, "  sez  he. 

And  the  perlice  unlocked  the  pantry. 

Out  he  pulls  the  young  man,  as  red  as  fire,  fur  it  was  a'most 
air-tight  in  the  pantry,  with  his  portfolio  under  his  arm. 

"Well,"  sez  one,    "you're  a  pretty  fellow,  ain't  you?" 

Sez  the  other,  "Don't  make  no  attempt  at  resistance,  young 
man,  it's  useless." 

The  burgular  puffs  and  pants,  and  after  awhile  he  gets  his 
breath,  and  sez  he  : 

"What  du  you  take  me  fur?  Is  this  here  a  free  country,  or 
is  a  man  tu  be  molested  in  the  discharge  o'  his  duty?" 

"No  humbug,"  sez  the  perlice.      "Come,  now,  march." 

Sez  the  young  man,    ' '  Not  until  I  know  what  I'm  arrested  fur. '» 

Sez  the  perlice,    "Fur  bein'  in  a  gentleman's  pantry." 

"I  wasn't  there  o'  my  own  free  will,"  sez  the  young  man. 
"That  old  critter  poked  me  in  and  locked  me  up." 

' '  I  glory  in  it, "  sez  I,    "  /  did. " 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "unless  you're  crazy  I'd  like  to  know  what 
you  meant." 

"I  meant  this  here,"  sez  I,  "I'm  from  Peekskill,  but  I've  got 
tu  know  what  York  is.  It's  the  awfulest  place  on  airth,  and 
when  you  came  a  questionin'  me  about  watches  and  silver,  I 
wasn't  so  green  as  tu  let  you  hev  'em  and  sheer  off.  I  knowed 
you  was  a  burgular  from  the  minute  I  sot  eyes  on  you. " 

"A  what?"  sez  he. 


238  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"A  petty  larceny,  highway  burgular,"  sez  I. 

"Gracious  hearings !"  sez  he,  " I'm  a  gentleman  in  the  em- 
ploy o'  the  eternal  revenue.  I'm  collectin'  taxes,"  sez  he.  "I 
hev  the  proofs  in  this  here  book, "  and  he  pokes  it  at  the  perlice. 

"I'm  afraid  there's  a  mistake,"  sez  Mr.  Tibbs. 

"You  shall  find  it  more  than  a  mistake,  sir,"  sez  the  young 
man. 

"What  did  he  do?"  asks  Mr.  Tibbs. 

"Asked  questions  about  what  you  were  wuth,"  sez  I,  "and 
who  had  watches,  and  what  the  silver  cost ;  I'll  swear  tu  that" 

' '  He  didn't  tech  nothin',  eh  ?"  sez  Miss  Tibbs. 

"Notyit,"  sez  I. 

"Gracious  goodness!  This  gentleman  was  perfectly  correct 
— excusable — ah!  that  is — I'm  really  shocked,"  sez  Mr.  Tibbs. 

"Then  you  believe  he's  an  eternal  revenner,  du  ye?"  sez  I. 

' '  Why,  yes, "  sez  he.  ' '  I've  no  doubt  you've  been  very  hasty, 
Miss  Grinder. " 

Sez  I,  "You're  imposed  upon.  Don't  be  took  in,  but  hev 
him  took  up." 

But,  land  o'  liberty !  they  didn't  listen  tu  me,  but  was  apolo- 
gizin'  tu  the  burgular,  and  finally  let  him  off. 

Now  Miss  Tibbs  sez  she  hopes  they  won't  be  taxed  double  on 
account  o'  treatin'  the  collector  so ;  but  she  expects  to  be. 

I  feel  disgusted  with  'em.  They'd  orter  hev  better  sense.  I 
never  seen  an  external  revenner;  but  any  one  o' intelectability 
must  know  how't  they  wouldn't  come  askin'  about  watches,  and 
silver,  and  that  That  young  man  was  a  burgular  and  nothin'  else. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  239 


NUMBER  TWENTY-NINE. 

MISS   GRINDER   PREVENTS   A   RASH   ACT. 

A  spell  ago  there  come  tu  the  door  o'  Liberty  Ann  Bolivar 
where  I'm  at  present  residin',  a  boy  with  tickets  for  an  excursion 
o'  a  pious  natur'  that  the  Baptist  meetin'-us  was  about  tu  hev. 
I've  allers  had  an  attendance  tu  pietude,  and  when  I  onderstood 
how't  there  was  music  by  the  band,  and  ice  cream,  and  straw- 
berries, and  cold  turkey,  and  a  openin'  address  by  the  Reverend 
Mister  Quail,  why,  I  bought  a  ticket.  Didn't  calkerlate  at  that 
time  how't  all  the  goodies  was  "extry,"  and  ther  warn't  nothin' 
but  the  address  in  with  the  ticket,  nor  how't  they'd  rig  up  a  little 
gal  with  flowers  and  ribbons  fur  tu  collect  after  the  band  played. 
But  I  was  besot  tu  go,  and  I  went 

I  put  on  my  yaller  muslin,  and  a  blue  bunnit,  and  my  red 
merino  shawl,  fur  fear  it  should  blow  up  cold,  and  I  calkerlated 
1  tu  enjoy  myself!     'Tain't  necessary  tu  say  how't  I  didn't.     Hu- 
man hopes  is  futile,  especially  when  they're  founded  onto  prom- 
ises. 

As  fur  the  jaunt,  that  was  well  enough,  ef  it  hadn't  ben  fur 
the  scroudging ;  but  when  it  come  tu  eatin' — you  was  obleeged 


240  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

tu  pay  fifty  cents  fur  a  snatch  at  things  you  couldn't  get,  arter  all, 
and  wouldn't  ha'  ben  worth  nuthin'  ef  you  had. 

Shouldn't  a-had  no  turkey  myself,  only  when  I  seen  a  great, 
long-armed  critter  o'  a  man  consumin'  the  heft  o'  a  turkey,  I 
jest  stuck  my  fork  in  under  his  arm  and  took  the  third  help  off 
his  plate. 

"Where  !     What !     Who  !"  he  hollers. 

"It's  only  me,  Miss  Charity  Grinder,  from  Peekskill,"  sez  I, 
"and  I'm  goin'  tu  hev  fair  play  and  my  dollar's  wuth." 

As  fur  doughnuts,  I  speared  them  the  length  o'  the  table  with 
the  sharp  eend  o'  my  numberill,  and  got  as  many  as  I  wanted. 
And  as  fur  the  hat,  I  didn't  put  nuthin'  intu  that  when  'twas 
handed  round.  So,  considerin'  how't  the  pious  portion  o'  the 
congregation  sot  elevatin'  their  noses,  fur  tu  prove  they  was  bet- 
ter than  the  rest,  and  the  giddy  ones  sot  tu  work  makin'  fun  o' 
folks,  so't  a  heathen  would  a  blushed  tu  own  'em  fur  relation- 
ship, the  season  was  tol'rable  agreeable. 

Of  course  it  rained ;  but  that  was  tu  be  expected,  fur  it  allers 
rains  when  Sabbady  schools  goes  a  junketing.  But  when  you 
make  a  p'int  o'  allers  bein'  perwided  with  a  numberill,  rain  ain't 
o'  no  pertickler  consequence. 

Finally  we  arrived  tu  the  romantic  spot  where  we  was  tu  lo- 
cate ourselves,  and  the  folks  begun  tu  rush  like  mad  ashore. 
'Twas  purty  damp  arter  the  rain,  and  brilin'  hot  overhead,  intu 
the  bargain,  but  the  scurtioners  didn't  appear  tu  mind  that. 

As  fur  me,  I  pinned  up  my  skirts  and  put  up  my  numberill, 
and  tried  tu  sot  some  o'  'em  a-talkin',  but  they  was  tu  much 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  241 

afeard  o'  exhibitin'  their  ignorance,  and  wouldn't  say  nuthin'. 
So  I  gin  it  up  and  went  and  sot  in  a  romantic  spot  by  the  water, 
tu  eat  the  doughnuts  I'd  put  in  my  pocket  tu  the  table. 

'Twas  a  shady  grove,  and  I  s'pose  there  warn't  no  kind  o'  bug 
or  insect  that  warn't  there  tu  get  up  and  down  you  as  you 
sot  on  the  grass.  One  long,  black  critter  seemed  tu  hev  a  per- 
tickerlar  spite  at  me,  but  I  eended  it  by  stompin'  on  him.  Ar- 
ter  awhile  I  fell  asleep. 

I  was  awakened  by  a  most  extraordinary  splashin'  sound  not 
fur  from  me,  and  lookin'  up  I  saw  tu  my  horror  a  feller-bein'  in 
the  act  o'  attemptin'  tu  commit  feller-de-spree,  as  the  Reverend 
Mister  Parsons,  Esquire,  used  tu  call  it. 

He  was  up  tu  his  waist  in  the  water,  and  appeared  tu  be  tryin' 
to  throw  hisself  on  his  back.  He  warn't  attired  in  no  great  o' 
garments,  but  when  a  feller-bein's  life  is  concerned  fillanthrovy 
is  more  tu  be  thunk  of  than  perpriety.  I  sprung  tu  my  feet, 
claspin'  my  hands  and  castin'  my  expressive  blue  eyes  tu  the  sky, 
and  I  seemed  tu  remember  how't  I'd  heerd  o'  the  Humanitary 
Serciety  rewardin'  a  goold  medal  tu  persons  that  had  saved  a 
feller-bein's  life  at  the  sacrifice  o'  their  own.  Even  if  'twarn't  a 
medal,  but  a  certificate,  'twould  be  suthin'  tu  frame  and  hev  hung 
up  in  the  parlor,  sez  I,  and  ef  I  kin  I'll  save  him. 

So  I  rushes  down  tu  the  bank,  wavin'  my  numberill,  and 
shrieks  at  the  top  o'  my  voice : 

"Come  out  o'  that  water  short  meter!  You  needn't  calker- 
late  on  bein'  allowed  tu  feller-de-spree  yourself  in  the  presence 


242  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

o'  a  person  o'  my  magnitude  o'  mind.     Ain't  you  ashamed  o' 
yerself !     Come,  now — I'm  waitin'  fur  you  tu  come  out !" 

He  didn't  say  nuthin',  but  he  retreated  further  back,  so't  nuth- 
in'  only  his  head  was  visible,  and  there  he  stopped. 

'Twas  tu  fur  tu  go  in  arter  him ;  so,  seein'  a  gentleman  in  a 
white  cravat  on  the  risin'  slope  o'  a  hill,  I  lifts  up  my  voice  and 
hollers. 

"Mister  reverend  gentleman  up  there,  please  tu  hurry  down," 
sez  I.  "It's  a  case  o'  life  and  death." 

Down  he  comes  in  a  hurry. 

"Dear,  dear!"  sez  he.      "What  has  happened?" 

"Feller-de-spree,"  sez  I. 

"Hey?"  sez  he. 

"It's  pecooliar  that  one  o'  your  callin'  shouldn't  understand 
langwidge,  sir,"  sez  I.  " Feller-de-spree  means  self-susinside. " 

Sez  he,   "Ah!  I  comprehend.     But  where — who?" 

I  p'ints  tu  the  head  jest  appearin'  on  the  water. 

"There,"  sez  I.  "I've  tried  my  power  o'  oratic  in  vain. 
'Tain't  tu  be  expected  how't  you'll  succeed  that  way ;  but  you, 
bein'  o'  the  male  sect,  might  tuck  up  your  trowsaloons  and  go 
in  and  fetch  him  out. " 

Sez  he,  "Yes;  but  let  us  try  persuasion  fust.  My  friend, 
don't  you  know  you  are  duin'  very  wrong  ?" 

The  head  answered  up  quite  smart : 

"I'm  only  duin'  what  others  du,"  sez  he. 

"Many  an  onfortunate  wretch  has  done  the  same,"  sez  the 
dominy ;  "but  they're  a-burnin'  on't  in  brimstun  now." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  243 

"In  which  ? '  sez  the  susinside. 

"In  brimstun"  sez  the  dominy. 

"Well,"  sez  the  susinside,  "I  didn't  know  there  was  any  law 
agin  it  in  these  parts." 

"There  air  earthly  and  superior  laws,"  sez  the  dominy. 

' '  Seein'  you  ain't  a  member  o'  perlice  'tain't  your  affair, "  sez 
the  susinside. 

"Are  you  comm'  out?"  sez  the  dominy. 

"No,"  sez  the  poor  critter. 
Sez  the  dominy,   "We'll  be  obliged  tu  fetch  ye,  then." 

"Du  it,  ef  you  durst,"  sez  the  susinside. 

Sez  the  dominy,    "Madam " 

"Miss  Grinder,"  sez  I. 

"Well,  Miss  Grinder,"  sez  he,  "will  you  obleege  me  by  goin' 
up  tu  Elder  Snubbs  and  Deacon  Dodge  and  fetchin'  'em  down  ? 
Du  it  without  lettin'  the  rest  become  aware  o'  this  here  unhappy 
circumstance.  I  will  remain  tu  watch  my  feller  critter. " 

Away  I  fled,  and  soon  I  lound  the  company,  lookin'  rulher 
low-sperrited,  sottin'  about  on  the  grass. 

"Which  is  Elder  Snubbs?"  sez  I. 

"That's  me,"  sez  a  gentleman. 

"The  dominy  requested  me,  Miss  Grinder,  from  Peekskill, 
tu  come  and  request  you  tu  jine  him  in  prewentin'  a  feller  mor- 
tal from  committin'  feller-de-spree,"  sez  I. 

"Heow?"  sez  the  elder. 

"By  drownin',"  sez  I.  "You  and  Deacon  Dodge  is  tu 
come. " 


244  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "I'm  a-comin'.  Who'd  a  thunk  it?  But 
unpleasantnesses  o'  this  natur'  dus  allez  seem  tu  arise  on  picnics. 
Four  chillen  was  drownded  last  occasion  o'  merrymakin',  and 
Mr.  Sproozie  he  broke  his  arm." 

Then  he  waddled  away,  and  Mr.  Dodge,  who  was  a  lean, 
long-favored  critter,  stalked  arter  him,  wrapped  up  in  a  travelin 
shawl. 

The  rest  o'  the  picnic,  both  o'  the  men  and  wimmin  sect,  fol- 
lered  on. 

"Now,"  sez  the  dominy,  when  we  arrived  tu  his  assistance, 
"I  and  this  here  good  lady  has  both  tried  our  powers  o'  persua- 
sion onto  this  person,  who  seems  tu  be  misguided,  ef  he  ain't 
deranged,  and  he  insists  on  continnerin'  tu  perpetrate  his  rash 
act.  I've  enjoyed  a  spell  o'  rheumatics  myself,  so  'twouldn't  be 
correct  fur  me  tu  go  arter  him,  but  there's  no  reason  why  you 
shouldn't.  Seein'  how't  ladies  is  present,  you'd  better  wrap  him 
up  in  your  travelin'  shawl,  Brother  Dodge,  afore  you  fetch  him 
ashore. 

So  the  two  walks  intu  the  water,  and  arter  considerable  trouble, 
fotches  out  the  susinside,  kivered  up,  all  but  his  head.  I  stood 
ready  fur  tu  ask  the  direction  o'  the  Humanitary  Serciety,  and 
send  fur  my  medal. 

They  placed  him  on  the  bank,  and  everybody  came  and  looked 
at  him.  Then  I  regret  fur  tu  say  he  used  the  awfulest  o'  per- 
fane  langwidge,  and  called  the  dominy  an  old  fogy,  and"  wanted 
tu  know  why  he  poked  his  nose  intu  what  didn't  consarn  him. 

"Twas  my  Christian  duty,"  sez  the  dominy.      "And  now, 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  245 

unhappy  man,  may  I  ask  the  reason  o'  your  endeavorin'  tu  com_ 
mit  this  here  rash  act,  and  viblatin'  the  laws  o'  yer  creation  ?" 

"The  reason  />"  sez  the  young  man.  "Well,  I  dunno. 
'Twas  partly  the  warm  weather,  and  partly  dirt.  I  needed  a 
good  wash,  and  I  had  a  holiday;  what's  more,  I'm  goin'  in 
when  I  like,  in  spite  o'  all  the  meddlin'  parsons  and  old  wimmin 
goin'." 

Sez  the  parson,  in  a  kind  o'  a  faint  voice,   "Wash  ?" 

"Yes,  wash.     Didn't  ye  never  du  it?"  sez  the  susinside. 

' '  Young  man, "  sez  the  dominy,  ' '  I  beg  tu  understand  clearly 
— warn't  your  intention  self-destruction  ?" 

"Warn't  it  suicide?"  sez  Deacon  Dodge. 

"Warn't  you  goin'  tu  drown  yourself?"  sez  Elder  Snubs. 

' '  Drown  myself !"  sez  the  young  man.  ' '  Why,  I  hadn't  such 
a  thought.  Like  the  heft  o'  persons  hereabouts,  I'm  fond  o' 
takin'  a  bath.  I  thought  you  was  objectin'  tu  it,  seein'  they've 
stopped  'em  in  New  York. " 

"We're  all  errin' mortals.  Allow  me  to  tender  my  apolo- 
gies, "  sez  the  dominy. 

"I  don't  keerif  I  take 'em,"  sez  the  young  man,  "seein' 
you're  such  a  pack  o'  dough  heads.  Now  ef  these  here  ladies 
will  retire  I  shill  get  my  clothes.  Ef  they  don't  hurry  I  shill  get 
'em  anyhow." 

So  the  wimmin  sect  flowed,  me  along  with  'em,  and  nobody 
as  much  as  complimented  me  on  my  promptitude  o'  action,  but 
the  heft  snickered  at  me  and  laid  the  hull  blame  o'  the  unforseen 
eend  o'  the  occurrence  tu  me. 


246  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  THIRTY. 

CHARITY  SHOPS   FOR   AN  UMBRELLA. 

"Got  'ny  numberillas ?"  Don't  I  see  'em,  eh  ?  Nuno'yer 
sass,  young  man,  and  don't  lag  there  behind  the  counter,  but 
trot  out  and  show  yer  goods,  ef  you've  got  brains  enough.  Let's 
see  yer  numberillas.  What  du  I  want  tu  give  ?  Land  o'  liberty 
— ef  ever  I  heerd  ?  Catch  me  a-tellin'  you  how  much  tu  cheat 
me.  What's  the  price  o' this  here  ?  Ten  dollars?  Why,  'tain't 
no  size  at  all ;  a  mean  little  short  handle,  and  folds  up  flat 
Hain't  got  nuthin'  fur  yer  money  when  ye've  took  it.  That's 
the  present  style,  eh  ?  Don't  tell  me ;  I'm  not  tu  be  took  in 
this  here  way.  I'm  purtickerler  about  my  numberillas,  tu. 
The  last  I  had  I  kep'  upwards  o'  ten  years.  'Twas  a  nice  one  ; 
blue  cotton,  with  a  brass  top.  A  young  man  that's  engaged  tu 
be  united  intu  the  bonds  o'  matrimony  with  a  relationship  o' 
mine,  he  went  and  lost  it  tu  a  matineigh.  Never  gin  me  an- 
other, neither.  'Twas  near  about  bein'  lost  a  spell  before  by  my 
brother  Jonathan.  He's  a  master  hand  to  lose  numberillas. 
He  left  it  behind  him  tu  Peter  Squash's  folks.  They  knowed 
whose  'twas,  you  bet  a  dollar;  but  they  jest  tucked  it  away. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  247 

One  day  I  met  Miss  Peter  Squash  goin'  hum  in  a  rain  under  it ; 
knowed  it  by  its  pecooliarities. 

"How  air  you,  Miss  Squash?"  sez  I. 

"So's  tu  be  crawlin',"  sez  she. 

"La,"  sez  I,  "how  laden  up  ye  be  with  a  market  basket  and 
a  tin  pail,  and  a  bundle,  and  that  numberill. " 

Sez  she,    "Well,  I  am  purty  fore-handed  for  lugs,  that's  a  fact" 

Sez  I,    ' '  I'll  carry  your  numberill,  Miss  Squash. " 

Sez  she,    ' '  Thank  ye. " 

So  I  tuk  a  hold,  and  we  continued  on  a  spell.  Arter  awhile, 
sez  I : 

"He !  he !  he  1  for  marsy  sakes,  this  looks  like  a  numberill  I 
lost." 

Sez  she,  "Mebbe  'tis,  Miss  Grinder;  never  knowed  how  I 
come  by  it.  The  help  found  it  behind  the  kitching  door  one 
day. " 

Sez  I,    "Jonathan  left  it  som'eres';  probably 'twas  there." 

"Well,"  sez  she,    "guess  it  was." 

I  larfed,  but  I  knowed  she  knowed  it.  Thinks  me,  "I'll  fix 
her. "  'Twas  a-pourin'  hard,  and  we'd  just  come  to  the  fork  o 
the  road,  quarter  o'  a  mile  from  her  'us  and  quarter  o'  a  mile 
from  our  'us. 

Sez  I,   "  Well,  here  we  part" 

"So  we  do,"  sez  she. 

Sez  I,  "  Good-by,  Miss  Squash.  I'll  take  the  numberill  my- 
self, and  not  have  you  troubled  in  sendin'  it ;  'bleeged  tu  ye, " 
and  off  I  marched,  takin'  it.  After  she  got  hum,  her  best  bun- 


248  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

nit  was  spiled,  and  a  lot  o'  sugar  in  a  paper  soaked  up,  and  no 
eend  o'  mischief  done.  I  oilers  felt  tu  rejice  when  I  think  on't, 
seein'  'twas  a  judgment  onto  her  fur  cunnivin'  at  the  hookin'  o' 
my  numberill.  No,  young  man,  this  here  flat,  screwed  up  thing, 
with  no  bulge  tu  it,  ain't  the  kind  fur  me.  Besides,  black  ain't 
dressy.  How'd  I  like  a  brown  'un  ?  Well,  no  knowin'  till  I 
see  'em. 

I  declare  this  is  jest  the  shape  o'  the  other.  What's  the  tax — 
five?  an'  it  are  no  size  at  all.  Now,  Miss  Crimps,  up  hum,  has 
a  numberill  she  sots  on.  Lor',  you  know  I  don't  mean  actilly, 
but  she  sots  store  by  it  It's  a  kind  o'  ginghum.  Her  grand- 
'ther  had  it  in  his  youth.  She  hangs  it  up  in  the  keepin'-room, 
and  keeps  the  dusters  intu  it,  and  the  ironin'-rubbers,  and  John- 
nie's top  and  marbles,  and  no  eend  o'  oddsome  shortlies.  She 
sez  it's  as  useful  as  a  trunk. 

Should  think  she'd  spile  it  ? 

Why,  lor',  no.  It  improves  tne  appearance  on't  mightily. 
Things  in  old  times  was  made  tu  use  ;  now,  things  only  tu  sell. 
Awee  up  on  the  top  shelf  there's  one,  I  think,  might  soot  me. 
Why,  how  awful  short  you  be !  Seems  tu  me  the  Yorkers  is  a 
short-legged  race.  Up  tu  Peekskill  the  heft  is  tall,  though  ceil- 
in's  bein'  lower  does  make  a  difference.  What  folks  wants  tu 
build  'em  in  the  sky  fur,  I  dunno.  It  must  be  a  heap  o'  trouble 
tu  whitewash. 

Why,  this  here  is  better ;  longer  handled  and  puffier ;  more 
fur  yer  money.  What's  the  price  ?  There,  don't  say  nuthin'. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  249 

Jest  stand  still  a  minite.  Now  the  light  falls  onto  you,  you  look 
jest  like  him.  Ain't  yer  name  Morgan  ? 

No,  it's  Brown  ?  La !  Now,  mebbe  your  maternelate  rela- 
tionship was  o'  the  name  o'  Morgan  ?  Jest  try  tu  think. 

You  must  be  o'  the  famerly. 

You've  got  a  yaller  complectical  look.  So  had  they;  and 
you've  got  a  wart  ontu  yer  nose ;  so  hev  they  some  on  'em. 
And  yer  inclined  tu  be  scraggy ;  they  air  tu.  Him  that  you  look 
most  like  is  Jenkins  Morgan.  He  was  the  awfulest  character  I 
ever  knowed.  Fust  he  robbed  his  boss  o'  twenty  dollars ;  and 
then  he  ran  off  with  the  wife  o'  Jimmenny  Pipkin  ;  and  arter 
that  he  embezzled  suthin',  and  was  sent  tu  Sing  Sing  for't; 
finally,  'twas  heerd  how't  he  was  hung.  When  you  go  hum  ask 
yer  ma  whether  Jenkins  Morgan  warn't  a  relationship,  and  tell 
her  what  you've  heerd  consarnin'  him.  She'll  feel  tu  be  interest- 
ed. There — a-hangin'  up  ontu  a  hook  is  the  thing  what  appears 
the  nearest  tu  my  idees  o'  a  numberill.  Fetch  it  down.  Green  I 
Well,  green  is  a  nice  color — good  fur  the  eyes,  tu,  they  say. 
What's  the  charge  ?  Well,  fur  say  tew-and-a-half.  I  won't  pay 
no  sech  a  price.  I  ain't  tu  be  taken  in.  Calkerlate  I  won't  be 
suited.  Well,  here  I  sot  till  I  be.  I'm  goin'  o'  a  journey,  and 
there's  no  tellin'  how  useful  numberills  is  at  sech  times. 

You  put  'em  up  ef  it  rains  and  tu  keep  orf  the  sun — and  you 
can  hook  conductors  with  'em — and  pull  the  check  strings,  and 
poke  folks  you  want  tu  speak  tu.  Then  getting  through  a 
crowd  you  kin  make  your  way  better'n  by  scrougin',  fur  number- 
ills  hurt  worse'n  elbers,  and  if  any  one  was  tu  durst  insult  ye  by 


250  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

speakin'  tu  ye — and  the  York  men  sect  is  horrid  that  way — you 
could  thump  'em.  And  they're  splendid  fur  bad  boys,  and 
meddlin'  children,  and  dogs,  and  I  have  heerd  o'  frightenin' 
mad  bulls  by  openin'  it  in  ther  faces  suddent. 

Let's  see,  I've  seen  blue  numberills,  and  green,  and  brown, 
and  black,  but  I  never  seen  a  red  'un.  Them  that  makes  'em 
knows  how't  folks  couldn't  hook  'em  ef  they  was  pecooliar 
colors,  and  'twould  spile  their  trade.  The  heft  o'  numberills  is 
stole  ye  know. 

What  /  call  a  good  'un  don't  never  wear  out.  Things  comes 
off  on't — the  handle,  the  fastenin',  the  top,  and  a  wire  or  two ; 
but  the  body  on't  is  everlastin'.  Wonder  who  has  got  mine. 
Some  o'  the  fash'nable  Yorkers  I  spect,  that  gets  hold  o'  things 
any  way  they  kin,  honest  or  not.  I've  looked  out  fur  it  up 
Broadway  every  time  since  I  lost  it.  I  borryed  one  myself! 
This  here  is  Samanthy  Grigg's  helps  that  I've  got  with  me.  She 
don't  never  use  it  only  fur  rain.  Got  a  hity-tity  pink  thing,  with 
beads,  fur  the  sun.  No  handle  nearly.  Reaches  her  arm  up 
so's  her  elber  is  right  angles  o'  her  nose,  and  hists  it  before  one 
eye  ;  t'other  has  tu  wink,  cause  it  ain't  shaded.  You've  got 
beaded  ones.  Well  I  reckon  you  have,  but  I  ain't  a-goin'  to 
hist  one  and  look  like  a  tamborine  gal  follerin'  a  monkey  and 
organ.  Du  tell,  let's  look,  though ;  might  as  well  see  what's 
goin',  and  know  what  folks  be  in  York. 

That  thing  with  the  gilt  glass  ball  for  a  handle  beats  me  all 
holler,  and  the  one  with  tassels  would  give  a  duck  fits.  S'pose 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS,  251 

I  was  tu  climb  up  and  take  down  what  I  liked,  I'd  get  along 
better ;  wouldn't  I?     Oh  !  well,  if  ye  don't  like  it /don't  keer; 
you  can  wait  on  me.     Fetch  'em  along  till  I'm  suited.     Stop 
now,  while  I  think  on't ;  you  hain't  seen  nuthin'  o'  a  man  that 
mends  numberills,  hev  ye  ?     A  stumpy  kind  o'  a  man,  with  a 
wart  on  his  chin,  and  yallerish  eyes,  wears  a  white  hat  with  a 
dent  in  it,  and  has  a  nose  of  most  an  awful  dimension,  and  a 
green  coat,  and  a  bundle,  a  numberill,  and  stubbed-toed  shoes, 
and  answers  to  the  name  o'  Moses.     Seein'  you  was  o'  the  same 
trade,  thought  I'd  ask.     No   connection  with  such  common 
people  ?     Well,  I  dunno  much  difference  between  mendin'  'em 
and  makin'  'em,  and  sellin'  'em ;  so  ye  needn't  stick  up  your 
nose.     Is  Mr.  Moses  a  relationship  o'  mine  ?    I  vow  tu  man. 
Well,  I  declare — of  course  not.     He  come  tu  Miss  Colonel 
Washman  that  keeps  a  tavern  to  Peekskill,  and,  sez  he,    "I'm  a 
gentleman  in  distressed  circumstances,"  sez  he,    "and  obleeged 
tu  mend  these  here  for  a  livin'.     'Tain't  what  I'm  used  tu, "  sez 
he,    "but  I'll  do  it  cheap,"  sez  he.      "I'll  mend  all  you'll  fetch 
fur  my  night's  lodgin'. "    Well,  she  had  a  lot  needed  fixin',  and 
she  fetched  'em  in.     He  worked  away  like  all  possessed,  and  at 
night  they  gin  him  the  attic.     He  pertended  fur  tu  be  exhausted 
with  his  walk  and  his  work,  and  snored  horrid  till  the  rest  was 
asleep.     Then  he  must  a-got  up  and  opened  Miss  Washman's 
desk,  and   took  up'ards  o'  nineteen  dollars  in  money,  and  a 
watch,  and  arterwards  he  took  a  silver  tea-pot  she  sot  on,  and  a 
gownd  she  wore  a  Sabber-days,  and  scooted.     It  did  make  her 
hoppin'  mad — no  wonder,  and  they  hain't  never  tetched  him  tu 


252  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

ketch  yet.     He  left  all  his  old  numberills,  and  them  he  mended 
came  tu  pieces  right  off  agin. 

Your  boss  is  out,  ain't  he  ?  Now,  what  does  he  look  like  ? 
Is  his  eyes  yallerish — and  has  he  got  a  nose  on  his  chin  ?  Now, 
you  own  up  ef  he  has,  fur  'twould  du  me  good  tu  ketch  the 
critter,  and  send  word  tu  Miss  Washman  I'd  done  it.  The  per- 
prieter  is  your  pa  ?  Well,  there's  no  reason  o'  his  not  bein'  him 
ef  he  is.  Of  course  you'd  hide  it,  though.  I  shouldn't  reflect 
onto  you,  and  I'd  buy  the  numberill  all  the  same,  ef  it  was 
cheap. 

There,  now,  them  white  ones.  They  ain't  intended  for  ladies* 
use.  Hand  'em  over.  Why,  they're  fust-rate.  Hain't  a  doubt 
they'll  wear.  The  handle  is  most  as  long  as  I  be,  and  ferule 
measures  a  quarter  o'  a  yard,  plump.  Strong  and  handsome; 
reckon  you  kept  'em  fur  some  that  you  thought  great  folks.  I've 
cut  my  eye  teeth,  and  lost  'em,  tu,  and  can't  be  cheated.  They're 
meant  for  stage-drivers  and  cartmen  ;  well,  they're  good  judges, 
no  doubt,  they're  out  o'  doors  so  much;  I'll  take  this  here ;  it's 
a  most  an  awful  price,  but  it'll  last  a  life-time,  and  ef  it's  hooked 
I'll  know  it  a  mile  off;  and  ef  I  should acceed  tu  the  induce- 
ments o'  them  that's  anxious  fur  me  tu  except  their  intentions, 
why,  it's  a  reg'lar  family  numberill.  It's  worth  suthin'.  How 
mean  them  flat-foldin'  silk  rag  looks  alongside  on'L 

Well,  good-by.  Ask  yer  man  about  the  name  o'  Morgan ; 
and  take  notice  o'  anybody  o'  the  description  o'  Mr.  Moses  that 
visits  yer  pa,  or  comes  on  business.  And  next  time  you  get  a 
good  customer  don't  keep  back  the  best  o'  the  goods  so  long. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  253 


NUMBER  THIRTY-ONE. 

MISS      GRINDER      IS      IMPOSED      UPON. 

Well,  I  dunno,  Arminty ;  fur  my  part  I  haven't  no  confidence 
in  auctions.  As  a  general  thing  I  think  yer  apt  tu  be  deceived, 
and  took  in,  no  matter  how  much  o'  sagacity  o'  mind  you  may 
hev  by  nature.  Fact  o'  the  matter  is  such  a  gift  o'  the  gab  is 
purty  hard  tu  keep  up  with.  The  hearin'  don't  travel  as  fast  as 
the  sound,  which  was  how  a  scientifical  lecterer,  that  come  tu 
Peekskill  onct,  ef  I  don't  disremember,  accounted  for  thunder 
and  lightnin'. 

Don't  remember  the  Rev.  Mr.  Thumper,  du  ye?  He 
preached  fur  us  up  there  a  spell.  He  was  extremely  impressin' 
in  his  manner.  Deacon  Plunket  said  he  looked  precisely  like 
St.  Paul.  Dunno  how  he  knew  how  he  looked,  but  perhaps  he'd 
seen  his  daggertype.  Deacon  Plunket  has  traveled  a  good  deal. 
Been  tu  Australy,  and  that,  ef  I  remember,  is  handy  tu  Pales- 
tine, where  I  calkerlate  Saint  Paul  lived  considerable,  and  arter 
Cousin  Jones  died  we  found  more'n  twenty  daggertypes  round 
among  his  things,  so  prob'ly  it  might  hev  been  the  same  with 
Paul. 


254  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

And  that  fetches  me  tu  picturs,  and,  arter  all,  picturs  is  my 
subject. 

You  see  the  congregation  was  extremely  took  up  with  Mr. 
Thumper  (while  it  lasted),  and  about  Christmas  time  it  was  con- 
sidered appropriate  fur  tu  donate  him  a  token  o'  esteem.  There 
was  a  private  meetin'  tu  Joel  Burdock's  house,  fur  tu  decide 
what  it  had  orter  be.  Deacon  Plunket  was  the  first  tu  speak. 

Sez  he,  ' '  Brothern  and  sistern  :  We've  met  tugether  fur  a  pe- 
cooliarly  pleasant  reason.  Near  as  I  can  calkerlate  we've  col- 
lected about  a  hundred  dollars,  and  the  objeck  is  tu  donate  a 
Christmas  gift  to  our  pastor.  Now,  the  question  is,  what  shall 
it  be  ?" 

Up  jumps  Mr.  Burdock.  Sez  he,  "Beg  pardon  fur  inter- 
rupting but  ef  the  cheer  will  permit,  I  beg  tu  remark  how't  we 
hain't  took  the  report  o'  the  committee." 

You  see  Mr.  Burdock  had  given  considerable,  and  wanted  it 
knowed. 

"Very  true,"  sez  Deacon  Plunket.  "Now,  Mr.  Peach, 
you're  secretary,  you  go  ahead  and  read  out  the  report " 

Up  jumps  Mr.  Peach.     Sez  he,    "  Ladies  and  gentlemen " 

Sez  Mr.  Burdock,  "You  ain't  tu  make  a  speech.  Your  juty 
is  tu  read  the  reports. " 

"Lor',"  sez  Mr.  Peach,  "I  was  only  a-sayin'  how't  I  was 
about  tu  read  'em." 

"Very  well,"  sez  Mr.  Burdock,    "go  ahead." 

"The  committee  appointed  fur  tu  collect,"  sez  Mr.  Peach, 
not  tu  be  stopped  by  nuthin',  "has  succeeded  beyond  their  ex- 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  255 

pectations.  'Twas  owin',  as  I  calkerlate,  on  their  bein'  all  ladies. 
The  heft  o'  ladies  has  a  overpowerin'  influence  on  the  hearts  o' 
the  men  sect.  When  they're  young  and  beautiful  their  charms 
does  it,  and  when  they're  middlin'-aged  it's  by  a  kind  o'  moral 
swashun " 

"That's  jawin',  ain't  it?"  sez  Captain  Kornkob.  "Ef,  not 
understandin'  Latin,  I  kin  ask  the  cheer,  don't  that  mean  jaw- 
in'  ?" 

' '  Sartingly  not, "  sez  Mr.  Peach,  who  is  studyin'  fur  a  lawyer. 
"It's  a  power  o'  touchin'  the  tenderest  feelin's  o'  the  soul." 

"Thank  ye,  sir,"  sez  the  captain,  and  sot  down,  grinnin'. 

' '  Tu  perceed  with  the  report, "  sez  Mr.  Peach.  ' '  Miss  Griggs, 
Mrs.  Chowder,  and  Miss  Winkle  were  the  committee.  Miss 
Griggs  handed  in  this  here  :  Mr.  Burdock,  fifteen  dollars. " 

Every  one  stared  at  Mr.  Burdock,  and  he  looked  sot  up. 

"Mr.  Veal,  the  butcher,  five." 

Mr.  Veal  coughed. 

"Mrs.  Sammerskin,  two;  Mr.  Chubbs,  three;  Mr.  Charles, 
one.  Makin'  twenty-six  fur  Miss  Griggs." 

"Very  nice  fur  Miss  Griggs." 

"Mrs.  Chowder,"  sez  Mr.  Peach,  " reports  eight  dollars  trom 
Mr.  Grump — the  eend  o'  her  collectin' ;  but  it  proved  her  zeal. 
Mr.  Grump  ain't  much  o'  a  hand  tu  give,  bein'  somewhat  near, 
and  he  hain't  no  interest  into  church,  never  goin'  tu  one,  and 
bein'  an  enemy  o'  Mr.  Thumper  on  account  o'  his  boys  stealin' 
his  tomaterses.  But  Mrs.  Chowder  went,  and  knocked,  and 
thumped,  and  kept  at  it,  on  the  principle  o'  hevin'  it  opened  at 


256  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

last,  and  then  when  she  got  in  and  didn't  get  nuthin',  she  kept 
a-goin',  and  stayed  tu  tea  with  no  invite — and  that  was  costin' 
more  in  the  eend  to  Mr.  Grump — so  he  paid  her,  like  they  du 
the  organ-grinders  down  in  York,  not  tu  come  no  more.  She's 
got  eight  dollars  by  it. 

"Mrs.  Winkle  has  a  lengthy  report.  She  went  among  the 
poorer  classes : 

"  Twenty-five  cents  from  John  Hubbs,  chimbly  sweep 

"Twenty-five  from  Ann  Dolan,  help. 

"Twenty-five  from  a  colored  gal,  name  unknownst.  Told 
her  she  wouldn't  be  apt  tu  go  tu  heaven  unless  she  give  it 

"Twenty-five  from  Timothy  Trot. 

"Half  a  dollar  from  old  Mrs.  Chubbs.  She  was  savin'  up  tu 
buy  a  blanket.  Told  her  prob'ly  the  Lord  would  perwide,  and 
'twas  wicked  tu  be  hoardin'. 

"Half  a  dollar  in  pennies  from  Jane  Chuff,  seamstress.  Said 
how't  she  was  savin'  not  tu  be  in  the  poor'us. 

"  'Jane,'  sez  I,  'du  you  remember  the  parable  o'  the  talents? 
That  applies  tu  your  case.' 

"  'How?'  sez  she. 

"  'Well,'  sez  I,  'you  are  puttin'  'em  away  in  an  old  stockin', 
and  that's  as  bad  as  buryin'  'em,'  sez  I.  'Hand  over  suthin', 
Jane. ' 

"And  she  done  it. 

' '  There's  zeal  fur  ye,  sez  Captain  Kornso^,  grinnin',  'cause 
he  was  pleased  I  reckon. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  257 

"Met  a  little  girl  goin'  for  'lasses  for  her  ma,"  goes  on  Mr. 
Peach.  ' '  Said,  '  What  have  you  there,  my  little  dear  ?' 

"Sez  she,    'Ten  pennies,  ma'am.' 

"Sez  I,    'Will  you  not  contribute  'em  tu  a  good  cause?' 

' '  Sez  she,    '  They're  ma's. ' 

"Sez  I,   'Your  ma  will  rejoice  fur  tu  be  permitted ' 

"She  holds  on  tight 

"'We  ain't  got  no  butter,'  sez  she,  'and  the  bread  is  like 
chips. ' 

"'No  matter,'  sez  I.  'Tell  your  ma  she  has  bought  better 
than  'lasses  with  it.'  Name  o'  Timkins — back  cellar  o'  the  to- 
bacconist. " 

And  so  he  continnered,  until  what  Miss  Chowder  got  amounted 
tu  a  hundred  dollars,  put  along  o'  the  rest. 

"Now,"  sez  Deacon  Plunket,  "what  shill  the  gift  be? 
Downing  has  everything  necessary.  He's  forehanded  o'  com- 
forts ;  this  here  must  appeal  tu  the  taste — must  be  a  article  o 
adornment.  They've  all  got  watches,  and  rings,  and  pins. 
Last  year  we  collected  a  silver  tea-service,  Now,  what  du  you 
say  tu  a  fine  pictur?" 

"Good  idee,"  sez  one. 

"A  hundred  dollars,"  sez  the  deacon,   "orter  recompense 
' >e  fust  o'  artists  for  the  best  pictur.     Perhaps,"  sez  he,  "we 
light  get  a  old  master.     Old  masters  is  highly  prized.     A  re- 
.igious  subject  would  be  appropriate,  and  some  persons  o'  com- 
bined talent  in  arts  and  economy  ought  tu  be  app'inted  tu 
choose. " 


258  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Up  riz  Captain  Higgins  o'  the  public  house.  "Beg  parding," 
sez  he,  "but  my  sister  Samanthy  is  a  reg'lar  artist.  Done  a 
piece  in  theorems  tu  school,  and  a  head  in  colored  chalks,  under 
a  teacher.  I  move  she  be  app'inted." 

"Good,"  sez  the  deacon,  and  they  voted  Samanthy  in.  The 
only  other  person  o'  artistic  debility  was  me.  I  purposed  my- 
self, and  was  choose. 

Ther  was  tu  be  an  auction  o'  waluable  picture  belongin'  tu  a 
departed  gentleman,  at  a  residence  called  Tooker's  Bliss,  up  on 
a  hill,  and  there  we  went  tu  look  one  up,  goin'  in  afore  folks 
had  come. 

The  auctioneer  was  there.  He  nods.  I  walks  up  tu  him. 
Sez  I,  "Sir,  we're  a  couple  o'  ladies  o'  artistic  debility,  app'inted 
fur  tu  select  a  pictur  o'  a  religious  tendency,  fur  tu  donate  a  gift 
tu  the  Reverend  Mr.  Thumper,  Esquire.  Will  any  o'  that  na- 
tur  be  bid  off?" 

He  thinks,  and  sez  he,    "  Yes'm— one. " 

"What  is  it?"  sez  I. 

"  'Eve  givin'  Abel  his  supper,'"  sez  he. 

"Let's  see  it,"  sez  I. 

Well,  there  it  was,  as  big  as  all  out-doors.  Eve  was  settin'  on 
the  grass,  under  a  tree,  with  nuthin'  on  only  a  red  scarf;  and 
there  was  the  beautifullest  tree  overhead,  and  no  eend  o'  doves 
about ;  and  Abel  he  was  perched  on  a  barrel,  drinking  out  o'  a 
splendiferous  chany  mug,  with  the  most  elegantest  o  wreaths  on 
his  head,  o'  grape-vine  leaves,  and  a  bunch  o'  grapes  in  his  t'other 
hand ;  and  he  was  as  fat  as  butter,  and  his  cheeks  like  pinys. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  259 

"Lor',"  sez  Miss  Samanthy,    "it's  elegant;  but  they  hain't 
nuthin'  on  tu  speak  of!" 

Sez  he,    ' '  Bible  picturs  never  has.     Cotton  was  scarcer  in  the 
year  one  than  in  the  year  sixty-five." 

' '  Ther  hadn't  been  no  war, "  sez  she. 

"No,"  sez  he.      "But  you  couldn't  expect  nobody  tu  work 
niggers  and  run  a  mill  only  for  Adam  and  Eve." 

"That's  true,"  sez  she. 

"Observe,"  sez  he — oh,  the  sarpint  \ — "  Observe  the  cherubic 
amiability  o'  Abel,  and  the  affection  o'  his  glances  at  his  ma. 
Thus  we  was  intended  fur  tu  smile,  the  hull  on  us.     See  how 
modest  and  blushin'  Eve  is.     Don't  need  no  words  tu  indicate 
that.     The  fust  o'  women,  in  course,   was  sich.     Why,  your 
dominy  will  be  inspirated  by  that  ere  pictur  fur  no  eend  o' ser- 
mons, I  hain't  a  doubt.     There's  purity  o'  the  furst  inhabitants 
o'  arth  afore  they  had  eat  the  apple.     That  ther  in  Eve's  hand 
ain't  one  o'  the  forbidden — it's  a  golden  pippin.     It's  all  inno- 
cence as  yet.     Why,  your  pastor  'ud  never  be  the  man  without 
that  he'd  be  with  that  work  o'  art.     Besides,  it's  an  old  master, 
painted  in  Rome,  nine  thousand  years  or  more  ago,  by  Reubens, 
and  copied  by  a  lady  o'  taste,  and  from  that  copied  by  a  German 
gentleman  o'  talent,  so't  you've  got  high  art  and  an  old  master 
fresh  done  up,  as  red  and  yaller  as  at  first,  a  regular  improve- 
ment on  the  original,  and  varnished  until  you  kin  see  yer  face  in 
it.     A  durable  article  o'  high  art,  that  can't  wear  out.     Now, 
that'll  sell  for  five  hundred  when  it's  put  up. 

' '  We've  only  got  one  hundred, "  sez  I. 


260  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "I'm  not  forbid  tu  sell  privately,  and  as  it's 
a  scriptur'  piece  for  a  minister,  take  it  at  once,  and  you  may 
have  it  for  a  hundred.  Here  you  go  and  there  you  go.  One 
hundred  dollars  for  high  art  o'  a  scriptur'  natur',  '  Eve  givin' 
Abel  his  supper/  by  Reubens." 

So  we  bought  it,  and  it  was  sent  tu  Miss  Samanthy's  tu  be 
kept  until  Christmas  Eve. 

Then  we  all  assembled  tu  the  parsonage,  and  hired  Jim  Black 
and  his  boy  tu  fetch  it  over. 

The  hull  congregation  was  sottin'  in  the  parlors,  the  minister 
and  his  wife  in  the  middle,  and  the  children  in  a  row  on  the 
sofa,  when  they  bumps  at  the  door. 

"What  hev  we  here?"  sez  the  minister.  "Ah,  ha  !  what  hev 
we  here?"  and  in  it  comes,  all  done  up  in  black  musling. 

Mr.  Peach  hops  up. 

Sez  he,  "Respected  dominy  and  family,  and  the  rest  o' the 
folks :  The  congregation  o'  this  here  church  bein'  desirous  fur  tu 
present  you  with  a  token  o'  our  esteem,  has  gone  and  purchased 
a  work  o'  art  o'  a  religious  attendancy,  fur  tu  adorn  the  walls  o' 
your  parsonage.  It  air  an  aged  master  representin'  Eve,  the  first 
ma,  givin'  her  son  Abel  his  tea.  Jim,  remove  the  kiver. " 

Jim  done  it,  and  the  dominy  began  : 

' '  My  surprise  perwents " 

There  he  stopped.  He  flung  up  his  hand,  and  rolled  up  his 
eyes,  and  yells  he : 

"Send  the  children  out  o'  the  room,  Mrs.  Thumper.  Ladies, 
put  up  yer  handkerchers  until  we  turn  the  pictur  round.  Oh, 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  261 

my  friends,  some  sarpent  has  deceived  you !  This  here, "  sez 
he,  "is  not  Eve  engaged  in  the  maternal  duties  o'  feedin'  her 
son  Abel,  but  Venus  and  Bacchus. " 

Then  he  sot  tu  and  turned  the  pictur  round.     I  riz. 

Sez  I,  "I  hev  the  bill  here.  'For  Eve  giving  Abel  his  sup- 
per, $100.'" 

Sez  he,    ' '  My  good,  kind  friends,  you  are  imposed  upon. " 

Miss  Thumper  wrung  her  hands. 

Sez  I,    "Gracious !  who  was  they? — du  tell  who  they  was?" 

Sez  he,    ' '  Heathen  deities. " 

Sez  I,    "Miss  Thumper,  du  explain." 

Sez  she,    "Ladies,  come  tu  my  room  and  I  will." 

So  we  went 

Sez  she,  "It  ain't  none  o'  yer  faults,  but  the  purson  that  sold 
it.  Bacchus  was  always  tipsy,  and  Venus  warn't  one  bit  better 
than  she  should  be. " 

Then  me  and  Miss  Samanthy  went  intu  highstrikes. 

The  minister  took  it  intu  prayerful  consideration  what  he 
ought  tu  du  with  it,  and  concluded  how't  the  tavern-keeper,  be- 
in'  depraved  a'ready,  couldn't  be  hurt  by  it ;  so  he  offered  tu  sell 
it  tu  him.  He  paid  ten  dollars  for  it,  and  it  hangs  over  the  bar, 
they  say,  tu  this  day,  though  o'  course  I  hain't  never  seen  it. 

And  my  opinion  o'  auctioneers  is,  that  they're  a  degenerated 
race  o'  men,  that  don't  keer  what  they  say  so  long  as  things  is 
sold ;  for  any  one  that  would  impose  on  such  a  thing  as  a  com- 
mittee o'  ladies  o'  artistic  debility,  about  tu  donate  a  gift  tu  ther 
pastor,  wouldn't  stop  at  nuthin'. 


262  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  THIRTY-TWO. 
MISS  GRINDER'S  THERMOMETER  is  TAMPERED  WITH. 

Ef  I  know'd  how  amazin'  hot  a  climate  York  was,  I'd  never 
ha'  left  Peekskill. 

Disagreeable  as  Jonathan's  conduct  has  made  it  fur  me  ther, 
I'd  hev  staid.  I  don't  believe  one  word  o'  what  they  say  about 
its  bein'  unusual.  They  only  du  it  fur  tu  keep  strangers  here 
and  get  their  custom. 

As  near  as  I  can  remember,  the  thermometer  was  a  thousand 
and  four  below  zero,  which  is  bilin'  p'int,  ye  know,  the  last  hot- 
test day,  and  it  ain't  no  wonder  ther  was  so  much  immortality 
in  the  city. 

I  noticed  in  the  Herald  tew  columns  o'  habeus  corpus,  and 
only  one  birth.  It  seemed  singular  in  such  a  great  city,  and 
that  one  o'  English  nativity.  London  papers  please  copy. 

It's  dreadful  weather,  but  it  takes  appetites  away,  and  so  the 
boarding-house  folks  likes  it.  Though  I  make  a  p'nt  o'  eatin' 
all  I  kin,  out  o'  spite. 

Yes,  the  thermometer  was  horrid ;  and  that  puts  me  in  mind 
o'  a  mysterious  circumstance  connected  with  one  I  had  a  num- 
ber o'  years  ago,  when  I  was  quite  a  gal. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  263 

I  had  a  cousin  by  the  name  o'  Christina  Clipper,  that  married 
a  gentleman  o'  the  name  o'  Wogginwalker,  and  went  tu  Cane.  Jy. 
Arter  she  got  ther,  she  used  tu  write  how  amazin'  cold  it  was. 
Now,  I'm  a  favorite  o'  cold  weather;  it  makes  ye  spry.  So  I 
wrote  back  that  I'd  change  with  her  ef  I  could,  fur  it  was  alto- 
gether tu  warm  in  Peekskill.  She  writ  back  it  was  oilers  a  purty 
comfortable  climate,  so  far  as  she  knew,  and  so  we  kept  it  up, 
kinder  in  fun,  fur  a  year  or  tew. 

At  last  it  so  happened  that  a  gal  o'  Irish  distraction,  by  the 
name  o'  Molly  Murphy,  that  was  a-livin'  in  our  place,  heerd  o' 
some  relationship  o'  hern  that  had  gone  tu  Canady,  and  was 
besot  tu  go.  She  was  a  ra-al  smart  help,  and  seein'  as  Miss 
Wogginwalker  lived  in  the  town  with  her  relationships,  and  was 
always  wantin'  help,  I  sez  tu  Molly  : 

"Now,  I  shouldn't  wonder  ef  she'd  hire  ye;  anyway,  I'll  give 
ye  a  recommend,"  and  she  was  tickled  tu  death  tu  hev  it 

"Only,"  sez  she  tu  me,  "I'm  afeard  o'  the  cold  weather. 
They  say  it's  a  mighty  freezin'  place  up  there  in  winter." 

That  jest  reminded  me  how't  Miss  Wogginwalker  and  me  was 
always  arguin'  about  the  climates,  and  sez  I : 

"I'll  send  her  the  weather  jest  as  it  is  here,  and  show  her." 

It  was  the  eend  o'  August,  and  amazin'  warm. 

"Now,"  sez  I  to  Molly,  "Ther's  suthin'  you  must  du  for 
me." 

Sez  she,    "What  is  it?" 

"Well,"  sez  I,  " Miss  Wogginwalker  won't  believe  how't  it's 
hotter  here  than  it  is  cold  in  Canady,  and  I'm  goin'  tu  get  a 


264  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

thermometer  and  catch  the  heat  at  its  wurst,  and  you  shall  take 
it  in  your  trunk  tu  her." 

She  sez,    "Willin'  and  glad  tu  oblige." 

So,  when  Molly  was  packin'  up,  I  set  out  tu  the  drug  store. 

"Mister,"  sez  I,    "hev you  such  a  thing  as  a  thermometer?" 

' '  We  hev  an  assortment, "  sez  he. 

Sez  I,  "I  want  a  good  one,  that'll  go  up  purty  high,  and 
retain  the  heat. " 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "these  will  all  show  the  state  o'  the  temper- 
toor." 

Sez  I,    "Will  it  last  until  it  gets  tu  Canady?" 

Sez  he,    ' '  With  keer  it  might  last  a  life-time. " 

So  I  picked  one  out 

Sez  I,    "Now,  how  du  ye  get  the  highest  heat?" 

' '  Put  it  in  the  warmest  place, "  sez  he. 

"Thank  ye,"  sez  I;  and  axed  him  what  he  taxed,  and  went 
away  hum. 

Molly  started  next  arternoon,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  not  tu 

heat  it  up  until  jest  before  she  left,  fur  fear  it  should  chill. 
Land  o'  liberty!  how  provoked  I  was.     The  next  day  was 

kinder  cloudy  and  cool. 

I  put  the  thermometer  outside  the  door,  but  it  didn't  rise  up 
nohow  tu  speak  of,  and  I  sent  Molly  up  tu  the  roof,  and  du 
what  she  would,  'twouldn't  go  up  more'n  eighty-nine. 

At  last  a  thought  struck  me.  'Twas  bakin'  day,  and  the  oven 
was  red  hot  T  poked  my  gentleman  in  there,  and  the  silver  stuff 
flowed  straight  tu  the  top.  I  forget  the  number,  but  I  know 
'twas  the  highest  down. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  265 

"I  wish  I'd  got  a  longer  one, "  sez  I ;  "  dunno  where  it  might 
hev  riz.  But  ran,  now,  Molly,  and  get  a  piece  o'  red  flanning 
from  the  rag-bag,  and  let's  wrap  it  well  up,  and  mind  you  don't 
tell  Miss  Wogginwalker  about  the  oven.  Tell  her  the  temper- 
toor  o'  Peekskill,  this  summer,  is  precisely  that  what  she  sees 
marked  down." 

Well,  Molly  promised,  and  fetched  the  flanning,  and  we  put 
the  thing  in  between  a  quilt  o'  hern  and  a  wool  shawl,  and  I 
had  tu  laugh  tu  think  how  I'd  fixed  Miss  Wogginwalker. 

I'd  told  Molly  tu  write  jest  how  she  took  it,  and  in  October  I 
got  a  letter.  I'll  jest  show  it  tu  ye  : 

"CANADY,  October  loth. 

"Miss  GRINDER — MA'AM:  This  comes  tu  let  ye  know  that 
I'm  enjoyin'  the  blessin'  iv  health,  and  hope  ye  air  the  same. 

"It's a  mis'rable  cowld  climit  we're  havin'.  Ye'd  think  'twas 
winter  a'ready,  and  my  Cousin  Pater  is  married,  and  my  Uncle 
Daniel  tuck  tu  dhrink,  and  by  the  Lord's  blessin'  I'll  be  back 
agin  tu  Christian  lands  afore  I'm  much  oulder.  The  place  is 
good,  and  the  lady  as  well  as  most  ladies  is ;  but,  for  all  that,  the 
male  survents  is  French  tu  the  man,  an'  sorra  a  wan  o'  me  'ud 
marry  a  foreigner.  It  would  be  a  purty  thing  fur  tu  find  it  un- 
possible  tu  have  a  bit  o'  discoors  with  your  own  husband,  and  if 
the  children  took  after  their  father,  divil  a  word  they  spoke  could 
ye  ondersthand.  Catch  me  settlin'  here. 

"But,  now,  I've  niver  said  a  word  consarnin'  the  tempertoor 
I  took  along  'with  me.  Sure,  Miss  Grinder,  me  dear  lady,  I 
grave  tu  tell  ye  the  same,  but  some  meddlesome  crayther  must 
have  tampered  with  the  thermometer.  Sure  as  me  sowl's  me 
own,  I  kep'  it  safe  just  where  ye  put  it  until  I  came  tu  Miss 


266  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Wogginwalker's,  who  engaged  me  at  onct,  for  her  last  survent 
was  married  tu  a  gentleman  o'  the  French  persuasion  a  week  be- 
fore. More  betoken,  he's  murdhered  her  a'ready,  out  o'  jeal- 
ousy, and  save  us  from  a  foreign  husband,  and  amen  ! 

"I  took  my  things  tu  the  house,  and  thin  I  got  the  thermo- 
meter, and,  as  I  hope,  I  never  unwrapped  the  flanning,  but  kep' 
it  over  it  in  my  hand,  and  goes  into  the  parlor  to  Miss  Woggin- 
walker. 

"Says  I,  '  Miss  Wogginwalker,  ma'am — Miss  Grinder  sends 
her  compliments,  and  says  you  and  she  hevin'  hed  some  differs 
o'  opinion  about  the  tempertoor  o'  Peekskill,  she's  cocht  it  in 
the  thermometer  and  sent  it  fur  ye  to  see. ' 

"'Hey?'  sez  she. 

"'Here  it  is,  ma'am/  sez  I,  and  I  off  the  flanning,  and,  the 
saints  purtect  us  !  it  was  down  tu  a  third  o'  where  it  was  when  I 
started. 

"Sez  I,  'Somebody  has  tampered  with  it,  and  altered  it,'  and 
sorry  I  am  tu  tell  you  the  truth,  but  so  it  was. 

"Ye  bid  me  tell  ye  how  she  took  it  Faith,  she's  plazed  as 
Punch,  not  tu  have  it  proved  on  her.  You  was  right  in  the  ar- 
gyment ;  wheniver  the  thermometer  is  alluded  to,  she  laughs 
until  you'd  think  she'd  die ;  though  where  the  fun  is,  I  can't  see. 

"Du  you  think,  ma'am,  she  could  have  got  it  out  me  thrunk 
and  althered  it  ? 

"Yours,  with  respex,  MOLLY  MURPHY." 

And  tu  this  day  I've  never  been  able  tu  find  out  who  tampered 
with  my  thermometer.  Shouldn't  wonder  ef  'twas  Miss  Wog- 
ginwalker. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  267 


NUMBER  THIRTY-THREE. 

CHARITY  GOES  TO  THE  CENTRAL  PARK. 

Ef  I  live  a  thousand  years,  you  won't  catch  me  tu  the  Central 
Park  agin.  York  is  a  mean  place,  take  it  in  the  lump,  but  this 
here  Park  is  the  meanest  p'int  in  it. 

Ever  sence  I  come,  I've  heard  'em  talk  on't  as  ef  ther  weren't 
no  other  place  nowhere  tu  come  up  tu  it,  and  I've  kep'  sayin' 
I'd  go,  and  puttin'  on't  off.  The  heft  o'  my  friends  and  rela- 
tionships was  tu  busy  tu  go  along  o'  me  when  I  suggested  on't. 

I  dunno  us  ever  I  should  hev  started,  ef  the  Blinksops  hadn't 
come  down  from  Peekskill  on  a  visit.  Minute  I  heerd  they  was 
tu  the'ir  Cousin  Clupper's  I  went  over  and  took  tea ;  and  while 
we  was  havin'  it,  Miss  Blinksop  sez  : 

' '  Fust  thing  I'm  goin'  tu  see  is  this  here  Central  Park. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  hain't  been  there  yet;  so  s'pose we  make 
a  picnic  on't  ?" 

Sez  she,    "That'll  be  a  good  idee." 

So,  last  Friday  we  sot  out — dunno  where  our  heads  was  tu 
choose  such  an  unlucky  day. 

There  was  me  and  Miss  Blinksop,  and  him  and  Aunt  Pepper, 
and  the  five  children ;  and  each  o'  the  adulterates  o'  the  party 


268  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

had  a  basket.  We  had  ham,  and  biled  eggs,  and  custards,  and 
pies,  and  cake,  and  root  beer  ;  and  Miss  Pepper  she  took  along 
a  couple  o'  blanket-shawls,  fur  fear  it  should  blow  up  cold  fur 
the  baby  and  Amazonia,  the  eldest  gal,  who  is  a  hand  fur  hevin' 
chills. 

We  got  intu  a  Eighth  aveny  car,  and  took  the  children  ontu 
our  laps. 

Up  comes  the  conductor. 

"What's  the  taxes?"  sez  Mr.  Blinksop. 

Sez  he,  "Four  growed  people  and  five  children — full  price 
fur  the  three  biggest,  and  three  cents  fur  the  smallest." 

Sez  Mr.  Blinksop,    "Sha'n't  pay  nuthin'  fur  the  young  'uns." 

Sez  I,  "No,  indeed — don't  you  go  and  du  any  sich  green 
thing,  Mr.  Blinksop." 

Sez  the  conductor,    ' '  You'll  get  off,  then. " 

Sez  we,    ' '  We  sha'n't. " 

Finally  we  compermised,  and  paid  half  price  fur  all  the  young 
'uns.  'Twas  an  awful  fib,  though,  tu  say  Amazonia  warn't  only 
nine  and  a  half,  fur  she's  goin'  on  thirteen. 

We  rid  along  a  spell  quite  comfortable.  Then  there  come  a 
reg'lar  squash  o'  folks  intu  the  car,  and  'twas  all  we  could  do  tu 
keep  our  baskets  from  bein'  oversot,  and  the  young  'uns  mur- 
dered ;  and  one  very  interestin'  young  man  sot  aside  Mr.  Blink- 
sop,  and  entered  intu  conversation  with  him.  Said  'twas  per- 
fectly nefarious  o'  the  company  not  tu  run  more  cars,  and  hoped 
he  didn't  incommodate  nobody. 

Mr.  Blinksop  said  "Not  at  all,"  and  interduced  the  subjict  of 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  269 

theology,  which  is  his  favorite,  and  wanted  tu  know  what  the 
young  man  thought  o'  predestination.  He  said  the  way  he  an- 
swered was  a  example  tu  the  heft  o'  young  men,  by  which  I  con- 
clude he  thought,  like  Mr.  Blinksop,  about  everybody,  except- 
in'  them  he  was  relationshiped  with,  bein'  in  a  bad  way. 

'Twas  as  agreeable  a  season,  Mr.  Blinksop  said,  as  ever  he  spent. 

We  had  tu  part  at  the  park,  though,  and  all  the  children,  only 
Amazonia,  was  sound  asleep  by  that  time,  so  'twas  with  con- 
siderbul  difficul'y  that  we  waked  'em  up.  Mr.  Blinksop  lugged 
the  baby  and  the  biggest  basket.  I  took  Aunt  Pepper  under  my 
new  numberill,  and  we  meandered  over  the  path,  admirin'  o'  the 
pictereskew  scenery.  Arter  a  while  we  cum  tu  a  green  meader 
like  velvet,  and  sez  Miss  Blinksop  : 

' '  Now,  why  not  picnic  here  ?" 

Sez  I,   ' '  No  better  place. " 

So  the  children  bein'  starved,  and  the  rest  o'  us  tuckered  out, 
we  opened  the  baskets,  spread  a  table-cloth,  set  out  the  pervi- 
sions,  and  sot  down. 

Mr.  Blinksop  asked  a  blessin',  and  then  carved  the  ham. 

"Hevaslice,  Miss  Grinder?"  sez  he,  and  I  was  jest  holdin' 
my  plate,  when  along  comes  a  purson  in  gray  clothes  and  white 
gloves. 

"Hullo!"  sez  he;  "come  out  o'  that!" 

"Hey?"  sez  Mr.  Blinksop. 

"Come  off  that  grass,"  sez  he. 

"Why?"  sez  Mr.  Blinksop. 

' '  Agin  the  rules, "  sez  he. 


270  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Can't  ye  jest  mitigate  'em  fur  once?"  sez  Mr.  Blinksop. 
"The  children  is  purty  sharp  fur  their  grub.  I'll  give  ye  a  quar- 
ter ef  ye'll  jest  say  nuthin'. " 

"Come  off  that  grass  /"  roars  the  man. 

So  we  picked  up  and  started,  the  young  'uns  roarin'. 

We  roamed  about  a  spell,  and  at  last  we  obsarved  a  kind  o'  a 
summer-house.  'Twas  painted  blue,  and  had  seats  inside,  and 
steps  leadin'  up  tu  it.  Sez  Mr.  Blinksop,  "There's  the  spot;'' 
and  up  we  went  'Twas  delightful,  and  we  got  out  our  lunch 
again  and  sot  by. 

This  time  we  had  fairly  begun  tu  eat  when  up  comes  another 
man  dressed  in  gray,  with  white  gloves. 

"Ef  ever  I  see  the  like!"  sez  he.  "You  come  down  short 
meter. " 

"Oh,  law !"  sez  Miss  Blinksop.      "  Is  this  here  wrong,  tu?" 

"Be  sure  it  is,"  sez  the  man.  "That  ther  is  the  pavilion  fur 
music ;  and  I've  seen  impidence  before,  but  never  the  beat  o' 
this." 

Sez  I,    "We'll  be  through  in  half  an  hour;  can't  ye  wait?" 

"No,"  sez  he,  "  I'll  walk  the  whole  bilin'  o'  ye  off  and  lock 
ye  up  ef  ye  don't  skedaddle. " 

So  down  we  come.  We  was  purty  miserable  by  this  time ; 
but  arter  a  while  we  tound  an  arbor  and  was  allowed  to  finish 
there.  The  rice  puddin'  was  sour,  and  the  custard  had  wobbled 
over,  and  some  how  another  one  o'  those  tobacker  worms  had  got 
intu  the  pickles,  and  Mr.  Blinksop  come  near  eatin'  him  by 
mistake,  he  looked  so  much  like  a  cowcumber.  Mebbe  he 
would  hev  hed  a  bite  only  Amazonia  hollers  : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  171 

"Pa,  your  cowcumber  has  got  horns  and  eyes,"  and  arrested 
on  him  arter  'twas  on  his  fork. 

What  was  sour  we  pitched  intu  the  grass,  and  feelin'  refreshed 
continered  our  meandering. 

We  came  to  several  tombstones,  qne  on  'em  tu  the  memory  o' 
one  Mr.  S.  C.  Hiller  with  his  head  a-top  on't  I  asked  Mr. 
Blinksop  who  he  was,  and  he  said  he  reckoned  he'd  invented 
suthin'.  Soon  arter  we  arrived  tu  the  flower  garding.  I  had  an 
empty  basket  along,  and  sez  I  : 

"Now,  I  tell  you  what,  Mr.  Blinksop,  the  lady  I'm  residin' 
with  is  anxious  fur  tu  hev  a  garding,  and  I'm  goin'  tu  take  some 
slips  and  roots  hum. " 

"I'm  goin'  tu  hev  a  boky,"  sez  she. 

So  I  borrers  Mr.  Blinksop's  knife,  and  she  gets  out  her  scis- 
sors, and  tu  work  we  goes. 

I  had  a  lot  o'  petunys,  and  a  dozen  head  o'  dew  plant,  and 
some  rose-slips,  when  there  was  the  awfullest  yellin',  and  up 
rushes  two  other  men  in  gray,  wavin'  their  white  gloves  like  mad. 

"What  du  you  mean  by  this?"  sez  one. 

"Lor',"  sez  I,  "I'm  only  takin'  a  few  o'  these  here  flowers 
hum." 

"Air  you  crazy  ?"  sez  he. 

"Air_y0a  />"  sez  I. 

He  catches  up  the  basket  and  begun  stickin'  the  roots  back, 
and  the  other  grabs  me.  I  yelled  murder. 

"I'll  arrest  you,"  sez  he. 

Sez  Mr.  Blinksop,   "Now  don't  ye— there's  a  good  man.     I 


272  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

wouldn't  hev  done  it ;  and  women  folks  tricks  ain't  o'  no  ac- 
count. The  Lord  ain't  gin  'em  no  great  amount  o'  mind,  and 
we'd  orter  feel  tu  pity  'em. " 

The  man  groaned. 

Sez  he,    "Won't  you  meddle  with  nuthin'  more  ?" 

Sez  I,    ' '  No ;  keep  your  old  flowers,  who  keers  ?" 

Then  he  took  away  Miss  Blinksop's  posy,  and  we  got  shet  o' 
him. 

Miss  Blinksop  wept 

"Don't,"  sez  I.  "These  here  myrmydons  o'  power  allers 
does  take  airs  when  they  get  a  chance.  No  doubt  they're  a  par- 
sel  o'  upstarts.  Don't  you  mind  'em. " 

Then  we  meandered  on. 

Arter  a  while  we  come  tu  a  bridge  overlookin'  the  water. 
There  was  boats  sailin'  about,  and  we  admired  the  scene  amaz- 
in'.  Amazonia  she  climbed  up,  and  peeked  over. 

There  never  was  such  a  pesky  gal,  I  du  believe.  Miss  Blink- 
sop  sez  as  sure  as  she  goes  anywhere  she  gets  intu  some  mischief. 
This  time  she  lost  her  balance,  and  pitched  intu  the  water  head 
over  heels. 

We  all  screamed,  and  up  run  a  couple  more  o'  the  people  in 
gray,  got  out  a  boat,  and  reskied  her. 

She  warn't  drowned,  but  the  minute  she  come  out  she  took  a 
chill  out  o'  spite,  and  'twas  a  mercy  Miss  Pepper  had  fetched 
along  the  blanket-shawl. 

We  wrapped  her  up,  and  then  ther  wern't  nuthin'  fur  it  but  tu 
go  hum. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  273 

Seemed  as  ef  we  shouldn't  never  find  the  right  gate ;  but  we 
did  at  last,  and  then  sez  Mr.  Blinksop  : 

x 

"I'll  jest  see  how't  the  fare  is  handy  afore  we  get  in,"  and  put 
his  hand  in  his  pocket 

"  Land  o'  liberty  !"  sez  he. 

"What  is  it?"  sez  Miss  Blinksop. 

"  It's  gone  !"  sez  he. 

"What?"  sez  she. 

"My  purse !"  sez  he,  "and  my  specs,  and  my  handkercher, 
and  the  medal  o'  the  Agricultural  Serciety,  that  they  gin  me  for 
the  biggest  pumpkin. " 

"Who  took  it?"  sez  she. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "I'm  afeared  'twas  the  pious  young  man 
that  I  had  a  delightful  season  o'  conversation  with  in  the  cars. 
Shouldn't  wonder  ef  he  was  an  imposture.  Don't  believe  his 
uncle  was  an  elder,  and  calkerlate  he  didn't  care  no  more  about 
predestination  than  his  old  shoe." 

"What  a  wicked  place  York  is?"  sez  I. 

"I'm  goin'  hum  to-morrow,"  sez  Miss  Blinksop ;  and  so  they 
did ;  but  that  artemoon  ther  warn't  nobody  had  no  change  about 
'em,  and  we  had  tu  foot  it,  luggin'  the  'young  'uns  and  the  bas- 
kets. At  least  the  rest  did ;  I  only  carried  my  numberill. 

As  fur  the  park,  my  belief  is  'twas  constituted  fur  the  purpose 
o'  aggravatin'  folks.  You  can't  du  nuthin'  you  like,  and  you 
can't  go  nowhere  you  choose ;  and  as  fur  paths,  all  the  good  they 
air  is  tu  give  them  men  in  gray  a  chance  tu  order  ye  off  'em. 
No  power  on  airth  will  ever  get  me  there  agin,  as  sure  as  my 
name  is  Miss  Charity  Grinder. 


274  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS, 


NUMBER   THIRTY-FOUR. 

CHARITY   PERFORMS    THE    PART   OF    DUENNA. 

It  warn't  my  fault.  Nobody  could  lay  it  tu  me  that  was  in  the 
seven  senses ;  but  if  Miss  Wickum  chooses  tu  du  it,  let  her.  I 
alludes  it  tu  her  ignorance  and  despises  her.  She  and  me  is  first 
cousins  twict  removed  by  marriage. 

We  hain't  been  over  intimate  o'  late  years  on  account  o'  her 
residin'  in  a  permiscus  way  in  different  countries,  Mr.  Wickum 
bein'  a  cappen  o'  a  ship,  and  she  allers  insistin'  on  goin'  with 
him. 

"Why  du  you  du  it,  Samanthy?"  I've  often  said  tu  her,  and 
sez  she : 

' '  Land  o'  liberty  !  ef  you  knowed  seafarin'  men  like  /  du, 
you  wouldn't  ask.  I  ain't  goin'  tu  have  the  cappen  committin' 
burglary  by  unitin'  in  the  bonds  o'  matermony  with  no  eend  o' 
wives  so  long  as  I  can  prevent  it " 

So  she  used  tu  go  along  o'  him  until  he  retired  on  a  handsome 
property  for  good.  By  that  time  Neptuny  had  about  growed  up. 
She  was  their  only  gal.  Ef  she'd  been  a  boy  the  cappen  was 
sot  on  namin'  her  Neptune,  and  bein'  o'  the  gal  sect  he  come  as 
near  tu  it  as  he  could.  They'd  kep'  her  at  boardin'-school  until 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  275 

she  knowed  enough,  and  now  they  fetched  her  hum.  When  I 
called  on  'em  I  couldn't  think  o'  nothin'  but  the  way  she  was 
rigged  out.  Never  seen  so  much  handsome  clothes  on  one  gal 
at  a  time  in  my  life. 

Miss  Wickum  was  dressed,  tu — yaller  and  blue  head-dress, 
and  red  striped  cashmere  dress,  and  purpled-stoned  breastpin, 
and  a  green  belt,  and  bracelets,  and  ear-rings,  and  there  warn't 
no  color  o'  the  rainbow  she  hadn't  intu  her  parlor.  About  as 
genteel  a  house  as  ever  I  had  the  pleasure  o'  visitin'  tu. 

Miss  Wickum  was  pleased  tu  see  me,  and  made  me  stay  a 
week.  And  the  cappen  he  was  sociable,  tu ;  but  Neptuny  she 
took  airs.  She  thought  herself  tu  grand  tu  talk  tu  anybody  but 
some  hity-tity,  highflyin'  gals  that  had  been  tu  school  with  her, 
and  made  herself  perfectly  ridiculous.  Not  keerin'  for  her  airs, 
I  called  whenever  I  felt  like  it,  and  me  and  Miss  Wickum  en- 
joyed ourselves  amazin'. 

One  day  she  come  over  tu  where  I  was  stayin',  airly  in  the 
mornin',  and  sez  she  : 

"Charity,  I've  come  tu  ask  a  favor." 

"Go  ahead,"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,  "Me  and  the  cappen  is  a-goin'  tu  see  his  relatives, 
and  we  ain't  a-goin'  tu  take  Neptuny.  One  o'  the  reasons  is  she 
won't  go,  and  the  other  she  sassed  her  Aunt  Dolphin  so  last 
time  she  was  on  that  she  wouldn't  have  her  come  ef  she  would. 
We're  goin'  tu  leave  her  hum,  and  I  want  you  tu  stay  there  and 
keep  an  eye  onto  her. " 


276  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"  Ain't  she  old  enough  to  take  keer  o'  herself?  sez  I.  "  Air 
you  afeard  she'll  tumble  mtu  the  fare?" 

"No,"  sez  she.  "The  trouble  if  she's  tew  old.  She's  sot  on 
gettin'  married,  and  she  has  no  eend  tu  beaus,  and  they  all  know 
she'll  hev  plenty  o'  money,  and  the  cappen  he's  determined  she 
sha'n't  hev  nobody  he  don't  approve  of,  and  the  only  one  he  does 
approve  of  is  his  fust  mate  that  used  tu  be,  Cappen  Gun  that  is. 
He's  risin'  forty,  and  purty  stout,  and  Neptuny  is  so  morantic 
she  don't  take  no  shine  tu  him  on  them  accounts.  What  me 
and  the  cappen  desires  is  fur  her  tu  be  kept  from  hevin'  any 
beaus  about  while  we're  gone,  and  the  cappen  would  find  it  a 
pleasure,  as  well  as  a  dooty,  for  tu  donate  you  a  handsome  pres- 
ent for  your  keer  o'  her  ef  everything  turns  out  well. " 

Sez  I,    "I'm  sure  I'm  happy  tu  obleege." 

And  over  I  went  next  day. 

Captain  Wickum  and  her  was  jest  startin'.  Neptuny  was  in 
the  sulks. 

Sez  Miss  Wickum,  "Mind  you  entertain  Miss  Grinder  nicely, 
Neptuny,  sence  she's  so  good  as  tu  keep  you  company. " 

Sez  Neptuny,  "Fur  the  matter  o'  that  I  could  keep  myself 
company." 

Sez  her  ma,    ' '  Fur  shame. " 

I  only  smiled  derisive.  I  could  afford  for  tu  disdain  her  sass, 
knowin'  myself  above  her  in  intilectibility. 

Sez  the  cappen,  "Now,  look  a-here,  Nep,  mind  your  eye 
while  I'm  away.  You  knows  the  orders ;  you  sail  by  'em.  No 
lubber  is  tu  put  intu  harbor  here,  till  /  cast  anchor  again. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  277 

You're  tu  be  towed  by  Miss  Grinder,  and  only  tu  cruise  where 
she  cruises  along  o'  you.  Give  in  a  good  report  on  her  log,  and 
I'll  give  you  a  trunk  full  o'  folderols  and  jimcracks.  Let  me 
hear  o'  a  mutiny  and  I'll  hang  you  tu  the  yard-arm.  Du  you 
hear,  Nep?" 

' '  Yes,  pa, "  sez  Neptuny.  Then  he  kissed  her,  and  they  sot 
off. 

Minute  they  was  gone  she  pulls  a  snoot  at  me,  and  goes  and 
locks  herself  intu  her  room,  and  never  come  down  until  dinner 
time. 

Twas  a  very  nice  dinner.  They  had  a  cook,  and  a  laundress, 
and  a  chambermaid,  and  waiter,  and  a  coachman,  and  footman, 
and  things  went  on  the  same  as  if  Miss  Wickum  had  been  tu 
home. 

Neptuny  eat,  and  never  spoke  a  word.  I  stood  it  in  dignified 
silence.  'Twas  fur  her  tu  be  ashamed,  not  me." 

That  evenin'  my  trials  begun.  The  first  beau  called.  The 
gal  come  in  tu  tell  Neptuny.  Sez  I  : 

"Tell  the  gentleman  Miss  Neptuny  ain't  tu  be  seen." 

Sez  she,   "Tell  him  I'll  be  down  directly." 

Sez  I,   "Don't  you  durst  du  it" 

Sez  she,    ' '  Fm  your  mistress. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,    "we'll  see." 

So  down  I  goes,  lockin'  Neptuny  in  afore  I  went 

There  was  a  young  man  in  the  front  parlor.  I  marched  up 
to  him. 

"Who  may  you  be?"  sez  I. 


278  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  starin',    "my  name  is — is  Jones,  old  lady." 

Sez  I,  "Well,  Mr.  Jones,  jest  you  pick  up  your  hat  and  walk, 
short  meter.  I'm  left  here  tu  take  keer  o'  Neptuny  Wickum, 
and  no  feller  is  tu  spent  his  evenin's  here  while  I  stay.  Neptu- 
ny can't  cum  down,  and  you  needn't  call  again. " 

So  he  walked,  lookin'  as  black  as  ink,  and  awfully  disgusted. 

Next  day  there  come  a  note  tu  Neptuny.  She  was  goin'  tu 
read  it  without  showin'  it  tu  me  ;  but  I  jest  grabbed  it.  'Twas 
an  invite  tu  the  opery. 

' '  Well, "  sez  I,    ' '  you  sot  down  and  write  how't  you  can't  go. " 

"I  shan't"  sez  she.      "I'm  not  a  prisoner." 

Sez  I,  "I  will !"  and  I  sot  down  and  writ  an  answer.  "Give 
that  tu  the  person  that  fetched  the  invite, "  sez  I,  and  the  gal  had 
had  her  orders  from  Miss  Wickum,  and  did  it. 

Neptuny  was  as  mad  as  hops.  I  know  she'd  hev  liked  tu 
pison  me. 

'Twould  a  made  anybody  grin  fur  tu  hev  seen  us  arter  that. 
I  don't  suppose  we  spoke  tu  each  other  twice  a  day,  but  she  was 
always  keepin'  me  on  the  go.  Ef  one  feller  didn't  call,  another 
did,  and  at  last  I  had  tu  speak  tu  the  footman,  a  good-looking 
fellow,  quite  spry  on  his  feet. 

Sez  I,    "Peter,  are  you  tu  be  trusted?" 

Sez  he,    "Yes'm." 

Sez  I,    "You  know  why  I'm  here,  I  suppose?" 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "they  du  say  the  cappen  don't  approve  ot 
Miss  Neptuny  bein'  courted. " 

"Yes,"  sez  I.      "Now,  Peter,  ef  she  gets  off  unknowns!  tu 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


279 


me,  you  foller  her.  Ef  any  one  calls,  you  come  and  tell — your 
legs  is  younger  than  mine,  and  I'll  make  you  a  present  before  I 
go." 

The  footman  he  bows.     Sez  he : 

"I'll  promise  you  that,  ma'am.  I'll  keep  my  eye  on  Miss 
Neptuny.  She  sha'n't  go  nowhere  without  me. " 

Arter  that  I  was  relieved  o'  my  responsibilitude.  He  kept  his 
promise,  and  was  at  her  heels  the  heft  o'  the  time.  It  made  me 
grin.  You  see  she  didn't  suspect  him  o'  watchin'  her,  and  was 
very  sociable,  and  exhibited  a  heap  o'  aifabilitude  tu  him,  while 
she  was  onpleasant  tu  me.  Didn't  make  no  objection  to  his 
runnin'  arter  her,  fur  of  course  she  never  knowed  I'd  spoke  tu 
him.  She  couldn't  so  much  as  go  intu  the  hall  but  there  he 
was.  I  never  saw  no  help  so  faithful  in  the  discharge  o'  his 
duties.  I  made  up  my  mind  that  ef  the  cappen  did  make  a 
present  o'  value  tu  me,  I'd  give  Peter  suthin'  handsome. 

Couldn't  no  feller  come  tu  the  door  but  he  knowed  it,  and 
sent  'em  packin'.  He  fetched  all  Neptuny 's  notes  tu  me  fust, 
and  behaved  exemplary,  and  all  the  time  she  never  got  mad  at 
him.  On  the  contrary  she  scarcely  spoke  to  him  without  smil- 
in'.  Twas  enough  tu  make  you  larf. 

Well,  things  was  progressing  jest  as  the  cappen  would  have 
desired,  when  Miss  Wickum  writ  how't  they  were  comin'  hum. 
Teu  tell  the  truth,  I  didn't  keer  tu  hev  her  du  it,  Peter  hevin' 
taken  my  responsibilitude  on  his  shoulders,  an'  me  hevin'  com- 
fort in  the  best  spare  bedroom,  with  nuthin  tu  du  only  ring  the 


28o  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

bell  and  order  things.  Neptuny  was  more  good-natured  than 
what  she  had  been,  tu. 

She  comes  in  that  mornin',  and  sez  she : 

"Well,  Miss  Grinder,  pa  and  ma  will  arrive  tu-morrow. " 

"So  they  say,"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,  "  'Twould  be  a  pleasant  surprise  teu  'em  teu  go  and 
meet  'em." 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,   ' '  I'll  hev  the  carriage,  and  we'll  go. " 

"Du,"  sez  I. 

So  next  day  the  carriage  was  at  the  door,  the  coachman  on  the 
box,  and  Peter  up  behind.  They  looked  magnificent  in  their 
silver  hat-bands,  and  I  resumed  all  my  dignitude,  and  sot  bolt 
up  on  the  yaller  cushions.  Neptuny  sot  aside  me.  I  allers  shall 
remember  how  shy  her  eyes  looked,  and  how  red  her  cheeks 
was,  teu  my  dyin'  day. 

We  driv  down  Broadway  a  way,  the  common  folks  regardin' 
us  with  envy,  until  we  came  tu  a  big  store  on  a  corner,  the  win- 
ders chock  full  o'  laees.  Sez  Neptuny,  dreadful  pleasant : 

"Lor',  Miss  Grinder,  there's  a  collar  you'd  orter  hev." 

Sez  I,   "D'ye  think  so?" 

"Yes,"  sez  she;  "I'm  goin'  tu  buy  it  fur  ye.  Jest  stop, 
William,  until  I  get  it" 

Out  she  jumps.     I  didn't  foller,  but  I  sez  tu  Peter  : 

' '  Your  young  lady  might  want  you  tu  carry  the  parcel. " 

He  understood,  and  follered  in  a  hurry.  She  warn't  a  bit 
mad. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  281 

I  sot  still  in  the  carriage,  and  gettin'  tired  o'  waitin',  fell  asleep. 
Arter  a  while  suthin'  waked  me.  William  was  a-pokin'  me  with 
his  whip. 

"Beg  pardon  fur  attractin' your  attention  so  impolite,"  sez 
he.  "But  ain't  they  gone  too  long — Neptuny  and  Peter?  It's 
a  full  hour." 

"Land  o'  liberty!"  sez  I,  "I  expect  she's  haulin'  down  all 
the  goods  in  the  store.  I'll  fetch  her. " 

So  down  I  got  and  went  in.  Neptuny  warn't  there.  Neither 
was  Peter. 

"Miss,"  sez  I  to  the  gal  behind  the  counter,  "deu  you  know 
where  the  young  lady  in  lilac  silk,  that  come  in  that  there  car- 
riage, is  gone  teu  ?" 

She  smiles  perlite,  and  sez  she  : 

"No,  ma'am  ;  but  she  went  out  o'  the  side  door  purty  near 
as  soon  as  she  came  in.  She  said  if  a  lady  asked  for  her — Miss 
Wickum,  ain't  it?" 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"That  I  was  tu  give  her  these." 

She  handed  me  a  parsel,  and  an  envelopy.  The  first  was  the 
collar ;  the  t'other  her  visitin'  card,  with  these  here  words  writ 
on  it  : 

"Good-by,  Miss  Grinder!  you've  been  a  splendid  duenna, 
and  no  doubt  pa  will  be  ever  grateful,  as  Peter  and  myself  are. 
Before  you  read  this  we  shall  be  married,  and  off  upon  our  wed- 
din'  trip.  I  always  said  I  would  make  a  love  match,  and  I  have. 


282  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Peter  and  I  adore  each  other,  and  you  have  helped  us  so  nicely 
in  our  courting.  By-by — you  can  explain  matters  to  pa. " 

The  minute  I  read  them  words  I  was  took  with  highstrikes. 

William  came  in  and  assisted  me  tu  the  carriage,  and  driv  me 
hum. 

Arter  a  while  he  sez,    ' '  Beg  pardon,  miss,  what  has  happened  ?" 

"They've  eloped,"  sez  I. 

"Peter  and  miss?"  sez  he. 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "well,  downstairs,  allers  thought 'twould  be 
so.  'Twas  pecooliar ;  a  new  footman  comin'  jest  arter  master 
went,  and  Peter  disappearin'  mysterious. " 

"Did  he?"  sez  I. 

"Yes,  miss,"  sez  he.  "The  first  day  he  came  I  saw  'twas 
Mr.  Jones,  and  I  mentioned  it  tu  him.  But  he  requested  me 
not  tu  say  nuthin',  and  it  warn't  my  place.  Ef  he  chose  tu 
wear  Peter's  old  hat-band,  I  didn't  know  as  'twas  my  business. " 

Sez  I,   "Don't  tell  me  that  this  here  was  a  conspiration ?" 

Sez  he,    ' '  I'm  afeard  it  was,  miss. " 

Sez  I,    "What  will  the  cappen  say?" 

Sez  he,  ' '  What  I  ask  myself  is,  what'll  he  du  ?  He  may  be- 
gin by  shootin'  'em  ;  that's  handy. " 

I  considered. 

Sez  I,    "It  don't  make  no  difference  where  you  drive ?"  sez  I. 

"No,"  sez  he,    "of  course  not,  miss." 

Sez  I,  "Stop  tu  Miss  Peabody's,  then;  I'll  git  out  there." 
And  I  did. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  283 

I  hain't  seen  the  cappen  sence,  but  Miss  Wickum  called  and 
used  langwidge  I  sha'n't  contaminate  myself  by  repeatin'.  One 
o'  her  remarks  was  how't  I  was  a  born  fool ;  another,  that  I 
warn't  fit  tu  go  loose  without  a  keeper. 

'Everybody  else  in  the  house  knowed  Mr.  Jones,"  she  said, 
"and  Peter  was  paid  fifty  dollars  tu  stay  away,  and  had  a  place 
now  with  the  Jonesses. " 

I  didn't  mind  her  abuse ;  but  I  allers  hev  been  respected  fur 
my  sagacitude  and  discretion,  and  I  warn't  a-goin'  tu  hev  'em 
disimpeached.  I  jest  ordered  her  out  o'  the  house,  and  I  hope 
never  tu  sot  eyes  on  her  agin. 

Anybody  o'  sense  would  a-knowed  I  was  the  victim  o'  a  con- 
spiratude,  and  not  tu  blame 


284  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  THIRTY-FIVE. 

PERFECT    LOVE    IS    OFFERED   TO   MISS    GRINDER. 

York,  as  I've  allers  said,  and  still  continner  tu  say,  is  a  most 
awful  place.  Beauty  is  a  snare  anywhere,  but  ef  you  air  per- 
tickeler  good-lookin'  in  York,  you're  stared  at  as  ef  you  was  a 
peep  show,  and  follered  arter  as  ef  you  was  an  organ.  I  dursen't 
go  out  no  more,  without  a  double  vail,  fur  my  phizmahogany  is 
one  what  detracts  intentions  from  the  gentlemen,  and  ef  I  could 
tell  ye  how  the  heft  o'  'em  has  conducted  tu  me  you'd  be  as- 
tonished. 

The  one  that  has  annoyed  me  the  wust  is  a  furrin  purson,  o' 
dark  complected  appearance,  with  whiskers  and  a  mustache. 

I  went  out  a  Monday  mornin'  fur  to  preamble,  fur  the  good 
o'  my  constitootion.  I  was  conscious  o'  bein'  pecooliarly  capti- 
vatin'  in  my  appearances,  and  I  wore  my  salmon-colored  shawl 
and  pea-green  bunnet-strings,  which  I  allers  did  become.  I 
pranced  along  with  the  dignitude  o'  a  queen,  and  didn't  conde- 
scend fur  tu  give  none  o'  the  men  sect  a  glance,  and  'twasn't  my 
conduct  what  injuced  him  fur  tu  redress  me.  By  him  I  mean 
the  furriner.  First  thing  I  knowed,  he  was  alongside  me. 

"Miss,"  sez  he. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  285 

I  paid  no  attention. 

"Mum,"  sez  he. 

I  retreated. 

" Madame"  sez  ne,  and  then  I  flewed.  When  it  come  tu 
French,  I  knowed  morals  was  furever  gone. 

Never  said  a  word  to  him  ;  but  the  next  day,  meandering  in 
the  same  spot,  I  saw  him  once  agin — bold  as  brass,  with  a  little 
bag  onto  his  arm,  and  a  eye-glass  intu  his  eye.  I  attempted  fur 
tu  escape,  but  up  he  come. 

"Miss,"  sez  he  agin. 

I  hurried  away  faster. 

"Mum,"  sez  he  jest  as  before. 

I  cast  a  glance  o'  remittigated  scorn  ontu  him,  but  he  went  on. 

"Madame,  lis'en  to  me." 

"Begone,  feller,"  sez  I,  and  I  flowed  once  morel 

Next  day  I  said  tu  Samanthy  Peagrim,  ' '  Samanthy,  supposin' 
you  was  a  lady  o'  personal  detractions,  and  was  tu  be  submitted 
tu  the  unremittigated  intentions  o'  a  furrin  count,  what  would  ye 
du?" 

"Dunno  but  I'd  hev  him,"  sez  she. 

"Lor' !"  sez  I.  "  Yeu  get  out,  Samanthy  !  Suppose  his  in- 
tentions was  disagreeable  tu  ye  ?" 

"Well,"  sez  she,    "  I'd  tell  him  tu  clear  out" 

"Very  well,"  sez  I;  "but,  Samanthy,  supposin'  he  wouldn't 
clear  ?" 

"Dunno  what  I  should  du  then,"  sez  she. 

So,  seein'  I  couldn't  get  no  advice,  I  determined  fur  tu  rely 


286  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

upon  my  own  sagacitude.  How  could  I  expect  Samanthy  tu 
understand  the  trials  o'  a  person  o'  superior  personal  detractions. 
'Tain't  likely  she  was  ever  bothered. 

That  day  I  went  out  agin.  I  had  some  shoppin'  tu  du,  or  I 
wouldn't  hev  gone.  I  made  my  purchases  in  safety,  but  as  I 
was  a  comin'  out,  up  steps  that  same  furrin  gentleman.  I 
thought  I  should  hev  swounded. 

"Miss,"  sez  he. 

"You  go  way,"  sez  I. 

"Mum,"  sez  he. 

"Don't  you  dare  redress  me,"  sez  I. 

"Madame,"  sez  he,    "only  lis'en  one  leetle  minute," 

"No,"  sez  I ;   "not  fur  worlds." 

I  walks  on,  and  he  follers.     Arter  a  while,  sez  he  : 

' '  Madame,  please  you  stop. " 

Sez  I,  "No,  sir;  what  do  you  think  of  me?"  and  I  walks 
on. 

Arter  a  while,  sez  he,  "I  have  one  leetle  sing  to  say  to  ma- 
dame.  " 

"  Don't  you  durst  say  it,"  sez  I. 

"Madame,"  sez  he,    "pause  you  one  small  time." 

I  turned  around,  and  looked  at  him — gin  him  a  most  an  awful 
glance. 

Sez  I,    ' '  Clear  out ;  I  know  yeu  furriners.     I  don't  want  nuth- 
in'  tu  say  tu  ye, "  and  then  I  rushed  intu  a  trimmin'  store. 
' '  Ma'am, "  sez  I  to  the  lady  behind  the  counter,   ' '  I've  flowed 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  287 

here  fur  purtection.  A  most  an  awful  furriner  is  persecutin'  me 
with  his  detentions. " 

"P'raps  he's  tipsy,"  sez  she. 

"He  ain't  got  that  excuse,"  sez  I. 

Arter  a  while,  I  looked  out,  but  he  was  gone  ;  so  I  took  my 
departer ;  but  now  I  knowed  fur  sartin  how  the  infatooated  crit- 
ter was  in  love  with  me.  'Twasn'  tu  be  supposed  he  would  fol- 
ler  a  lady  three  times  unless  he  was  deeply  teched  by  her  fascer- 
nations. 

I  sot  down  tu  consider.  I  remembered  how't  the  feelin's  o' 
furrinerswas  strong,  and  how't  they  often  committed  suicide.  I 
began  tu  feel  tu  pity  him.  ' '  Poor  critter, "  thinks  me,  "  ef  I 
should  drive  him  tu  distraction's  verge,  'twould  be  tu  my  blame- 
abillitude  ;  and,"  thinks  me,  "ef  he  is  a  count,  as  they  mostly 
air,  and  has  considerable  money,  and  a  castle,  I  don't  see  why 
I  shouldn't  hev  him.  'Twould  be  a  purty  good  match,  and 
them  that  has  said  I  couldn't  ef  I  would,  would  find  they  was 
mistook.  I'll  hear  what  he  has  tu  say,  ef  I  ever  am  follered  by 
him  agin. " 

When  I'd  come  tu  this  decide,  I  felt  more  equinamble  in  my 
sperits,  and  knowed  I  was  right ;  but  fur  a  fortnight  I  never  sot 
eyes  on  him,  and  I  began  fur  tu  think  he'd  committed  feller-de- 
spree,  and  tu  hev  my  doubts  whether  I  hadn't  better  go  tu  the 
morgy,  and  see  ef  he  warn't  there. 

Ten  weeks  from  that  time,  I  was  just  comin'  out  o'  a  friend's 
house,  when  I  seen  him,  black  mustache,  little  bag,  and  all. 
He  rushes  up,  and  sez  he  : 


288  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Madame  !" 

"Well,  sir,"  sez  I,    "what  do  you  want?" 

Sez  he,    "I  have  something  particular  for  madame. " 

"Dunno  what  it  kin  be?"  sez  I. 

"It  is  de  perfect  love,"  sez  he. 

" Yeu  go  'way,"  sez  I ;   "I  don't  believe  it." 

"It  is  the  best  ting  ever  was,"  sez  he. 

"I  prefer  tu  hev  my  liberty,"  sez  I.  "The  bonds  o'  matri- 
monial ferlicity  hain'r  never  had  no  detractions  fur  me. " 

He  bows,  and  sez  he,  ' '  It  presairves  de  charms  of  youth 
most  mi-r-r-r-raculously. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  dunno  about  that  I  know  the  heft  o' 
young  married  ladies  is  clean  tuckered  out  with  housework, 
and  the  help,  and  the  sewing  on  her  husband's  buttons,  and 
sottin'  up  fur  him — hain't  got  no  complexions  at  all. " 

He  looked  puzzled,  until  I  came  tu  the  last  word,  then  sez  he  : 

"Ze  complexion  is  of  value." 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"Nos'ing  like  it  fur  de  beauty  of  de  lady,"  sez  he.  "If  you 
will  accept  dis  perfect  love,  you  shall  be  most  happy. " 

"Oh,"  sez  1,  "how  du. I  know  but  you  may  be  an  impos- 
ture ?" 

"Madame !"  sez  he 

"Mebby  yeu  cheaty  me,"  sez  I,  adaptin'  myself  tu  his  furrin 
understandin'  o'  the  'Merican  langwidge." 

"Upon  my  honor,"  sez  he,  "dis  is  de  genuine — de  reg'lar 
French  article,  mum." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  289 

"You  air  a  French  gentleman  ?"  sez  I. 

"Yes,  madame,"  sez  he. 

"Bin  here  long?"  sez  I. 

"Since  misfortune  drive  me  from  my  countrie,"  sez  he. 

"I  feel  tu  pity  yeu,"  sez  I. 

Then  he  said  so'thing  I  couldn't  understand  about  havin' 
mercy,  I  believe." 

Sez  I,  "Yeu  know  yeu  air  a  perfect  stranger.  Dunno  what 
my  brother'd  say ;  he'd  ask  what  ye  air  worth. " 

"  Silver  plate  I"  sez  he.  Sounded  like  that,  with  the  "t"  left 
off,  as  a  furriner  might  any  way. 

"Well,"  sez  I,    "silver  plate  is  a  good  thing." 

He  looked  kinder  puzzled. 

Sez  he,   "Yeu  take  my  perfect  love,  madame  ?" 

"It's  tu  sudden ;  I'd  hev  tu  consider,"  sez  I. 

"You  nevair  have  ze  ozer  opportunity,"  sez  he,  lookin  so 
interesting  with  his  eves  cast  up. 

I  sithed. 

"  Madame  will  say  'yes,"  sez  he. 

"Oh,  dear,  no !"  sez  I. 

' '  When  you  look  at  it  leetle  while,  you  will  change  the  mind, " 
sez  he.  "Observe !"  and  he  put  his  hand  intu  the  portemantle, 
and  pulled  out  a  yaller  paper. 

"What  on  airth  is  that?"  sez  I. 

"It  is  ze  'Perfect  Love' — ze  best  enamel  for  ze  skin  evair 
manufacture,"  sez  he.  "When  madame  shall  use  it,  she  shall 
become  of  ze  age  of  sixteen — she  shall  break  every  heart.  Only 


290  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

fifty  cents  a  box.  Madame  shall  purchase.  Now  madame  finds 
ze  skin  leetle  yallow,  zis  shall  recovair  it.  It  shall  make  old 
person  like  ze  young.  I  take  plazair  in  selling  it  to  madame." 

I  hollered  out 

"  You  imposture  !"  sez  I,  " is  this  what  you've  bin  follerin' 
me  for  ?" 

Sez  he,    "Sartinly." 

Sez  I,  ' '  Yeu  triflin'  puppy,  du  you  mean  tu  call  me  old — tu 
tell  me  tu  my  face  I'd  orter  paint  ?  How  du  yeu  know  I'm 
more'n  sixteen  ?  I  hain't  told  ye.  Yeu  git  out,  or  I'll  call  a 
perlice  !"  and  I  ups  with  my  numberill,  and  he  flowed. 

Arter  he  was  gone,  I  went  intu  Nehemiah  Schubbs',  and  had 
highstrikes  ;  and  tu  the  day  o'  my  death  I  shall  beware  o'  fur- 
riners  worse  than  I  have  before,  especially  them  that  has  mus- 
taches. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  291 


NUMBER  THIRTY-SIX. 

MISS       GRINDER       MAKES       A       MISTAKE. 

How  du  you  du,  Perliny  ?  Surprised  tu  see  me,  hain't  ye  ? 
Look  as  if  ye'd  seen  a  ghost.  Well,  I  calkerlate  'tis  astonishin' 
I've  lived  to  git  here,  arter  all  the  perils  that  unpertected  females 
experience  in  York.  I've  been  robbed,  and  murdered,  and  kid- 
napped, and  follered  hum,  and  last  Saturday  I  was  eloped  with. 

You  may  well  say  "gracious  suz !"  I  sed  more  than  that 
myself.  I  didn't  encourage  his  intentions — not  me.  I  was 
brung  up  different.  Besides,  he  was  a  young  feller  o'  no  great 
o'  intilectability,  and  no  match  fur  me ;  fur  you  know,  Perliny, 
that  intilectertude  is  what  I've  been  celebrated  fur  since  I  took 
the  gold  medal  ('twan't  gold,  neither,  come  to  test  it — all  a 
sham)  at  the  Peekskill  College  o'  young  ladies.  He  was  pecoo- 
liarly  conceited,  tu ;  pertickerly  on  account  o'  his  mustache ; 
and  he  smelt  o'  smoke. 

I  was  boarding  with  Miss  Tifflin.  She  takes  gentlemen  tu 
breakfast  and  tea.  Such  tea,  Perliny  !  The  color  o'  your  hair, 
and  that's  the  meanest  yaller  going.  She's  got  tew  darters — 
hity-tity  things;  one  on  'em  Elvira,  and  t'other  o'  my  name, 
Charity.  Them  and  me  didn't  get  along  very  nicely.  Men 


292  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

and  hity-titys  don't  in  gineral.  I  hev  to  tell  'em  what  I  think  of 
'em,  and  that  they  don't  like.  But  I  du  admire  tu  du  it,  Perli- 
ny — indeed  I  dew. 

Used  to  talk  to  Elvira  about  tuckering  about  rigged  out  in 
tu-meetin's  the  heft  o'  the  time;  and  I  used  to  tell  Charity 
mighty  plain  what  I  thought  o'  'em  that  put  on  false  hair  and 
paint  to  detract  the  men  sect.  They  was  aggravatin'  gals.  You 
couldn't  hev  no  interestin'  conversation  o'  an  intilectable  natur' 
without  them  stickin'  in  their  oars.  In  pertickler,  when  Mr. 
Parmlee  used  to  hurry  up  intu  the  parlor  tu  converse  with  me, 
one  or  t'other  on  'em  used  fur  tu  follow  and  interlude,  as  if  they 
was  invited. 

Consequentially,  I  warn't  astonished  one  day  fur  tu  hev  the 
chambermaid  come  to  me  sly,  with  a  note  in  her  hand. 

" Miss  Charity, "  sez  she,  "sure  the  young  gintleman  bade 
me  give  you  this  in  sacresy. " 

"Very  well,"  sez  I ;  "leave  it,  Bridget,"  and  she  left  it 

I  felt  my  buzzum  palpitatin'.  I  kinder  knowed  what  was 
comin',  and  I  tore  open  the  envelopy.  'Twas  a  gentleman's 
handwritin',  and  these  here  was  the  words  : 

"DEAR,  DEAR  Miss  CHARITY  :  Can  I  never  have  a  word  alone 
with  you  ?     Must  I  always  endure  the  persecuting  presence  of 
that  torment  /     For  mercy's  sake  leave  the  table  early,  and  meet 
me  for  one  hour  alone. 
*  ' '  Your  exasperated,  despairing,  devoted 

"PicwiGGiN  PARMLEE." 

"Poor  fellow,"  thinks  me.  "I  can't  hev  the  heart  fur  tu 
disdain  his  intentions  arter  this  here  disposure  o'  the  tenderest 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  293 

feelin's  o'  his  natur.     I  will  give  him  the  opportune  he  desider- 
ates. " 

So  I  went  tu  dinner,  detarmined  fur  tu  dew  as  he  asked. 

When  'twas  time  fur  puddin'  I  riz  up,  and  sez  I : 

"No  puddin'  fur  me,  Miss  Tifflin.  I'm  kinder  indigestable 
tu-day,  and  am  obleeged  tu  dietary,"  and  I  sailed  out  o'  the 
room. 

Pigwiggin  Parmlee  he  wasn't  tu  table  at  all ;  as  I  expected  he 
was  in  the  parlor. 

' '  Evenin',  Mr.  Parmlee, "  sez  I,  a-castin'  down  my  eyes. 

"Oh,  gracious!"  sez  he,  and  begun  walkin'  up  and  down, 
runnin'  his  hands  through  his  hair. 

"You  seem  to  be  agitationed,  Mr.  Parmlee,"  sez  I. 

What  he  would  have  said  'tain't  fur  me  tu  say,  fur  at  that 
minute  in  comes  that  Miss  Charity  Tifflin. 

I  h'ists  my  eyebrows.      "  Got  through  airly,"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,   ' '  Not  airlier  than  some  folks. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "some folks  has  a  right  tu  du what  they  like, 
I  reckon." 

"So  has  some  other  folks,"  sez  she. 

Sez  I,   "When  I  was  young,  gals  didn't  conduct  so." 

She  turned  up  her  nose. 

I  tuk  up  a  paper  and  devolved  myself  in  literary  affairs.  She, 
the  bold  critter,  went  and  sot  along  o'  Mr.  Parmlee  on  the  sofy. 

Arter  a  while  the  other  boarders  cum  in,  and  I  retired  tu  my 
own  apartment. 

About  four  o'clock  that  arternoon  Bridget  cums  tu  me  with  a 


294  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

note.  It  hadn't  no  direct  on  tew  it,  and  sez  I,  ' '  How  du  you 
know  this  here  is  fur  me  t>" 

"Well,"  sez  she,  "I  reckon  it  is,  because  Mr.  Parmlee  sez, 
'  Take  this  tew  Miss  Charity. ' " 

"It's  all  right,"  sez  I,  and  I  opens  it. 

I  a'most  swounded  when  I  read  the  contents.  These  was 
them : 

"CHARITY,  MY  ANGEL  :  Shakespeare  has  said  'the  course  of 
true  love  never  did  run  smooth. '  So  it  is  with  ours,  I  believe. 
I  know  who,  and  you  know  who  is  employed  as  a  spy  by  Mrs. 
Tifflin.  Some  one  has  betrayed  us.  You  know  her  cruel  words 
— 'a  young  man  that  can't  pay  his  own  debts  regular  ought  not 
to  marry.'  We  have  no  hope  but  in  flight" 

"Pretty  fur  Miss  Tifflin  tew  interfere  with  me,"  sez  I  tew  my- 
self. Then  I  read  on  : 

"Tu-night,  at  twelve,  a  cab  will  be  at  the  door.  I  have  made 
arrangements  fur  our  wedding.  Fly  with  me,  and  in  an  hour 
pursuit  will  be  useless. 

' '  Yours,  with  adoration,  PIGWIGGIN.  " 

"Tell  Mr.  Parmlee  how't  Miss  Charity  is  agreeable  tew  his 
proposition,"  sez  I. 

Sez  she,    "Yis,  miss." 

I  was  in  a  state  o'  mind  that  can't  be  descriptioned  fur  the  rest 
o'  the  day.  But  I  felt  it  tew  be  my  juty  fur  tu  bear  up.  And 
then  I  felt  tew  rejice  how't  Mr.  Jonathan  and  his  hity-tity  wife 
would  see  how't  I  warn't  goin'  tew  leave  my  property  tew  them 
and  theirn.  And  folks  that  had  said  I  couldn't  if  I  would, 
would  be  astonished. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  295 

I  didn't  durst  look  at  Pigwiggin  at  tea  time ;  and  when  the 
solemn  hour  o'  twenty  minutes  tew  twelve  arriv,  I  packed  up  tew 
linen  and  one  cotton,  and  some  collars  in  a  handkercher,  and 
put  on  my  hood,  and  vail,  and  a  big  shawl,  and  down  stairs  I 
went. 

The  house  was  locked  up,  and  the  boarders  snorin',  and  it 
was  pitch  dark  out  o'  doors.  I  goes  on.  There  was  a  cab,  and 
the  door  opened. 

I  goes  toward  it 

"Charity,"  sez  a  voice. 

"Pigwiggin,"  sez  I,  smothered  by  emotions  and  my  vail. 

He  puts  out  his  hand  and  draws  me  in.  I  sots  down  beside 
him. 

Sez  he,  "Drive  tu  the  direction  I  gave  you,  driver,"  and 
away  we  driv. 

Purty  soon  he  puts  his  arm  around  my  waist 

"You  go  'way,"  sez  I. 

"Oh,  Charity!"  sez  he. 

Then  he  kisses  me. 

Sez  I,   "Don't  you  durst" 

Sez  he,  "How  queer  your  voice  sounds  to-night.  Have  you 
a  cold?" 

Sez  I,   "It's  agitation." 

"Oh!"  sez  he. 

Arter  a  while  sez  he,   "You  don't  feel  frightened?" 

Sez  I,    "No,  Pigwiggin." 

"Adorable  angel,"  sez  he. 


296  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Sez  I,    "Oh  !  you  go  Vay." 

Sez  he,    "Gracious!" 

Sez  I,    "What?" 

Sez  he,    "Am  I  crazy?" 

"I  hope  not,"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,   "Who  are  you?" 

"Your  Charity,"  sez  I. 

"  Charity  what  ?"  sez  he. 

"Hey?"  sez  I. 

"Hang  the  dark,"  sez  he. 

"Tain't  agreeable,"  sez  I. 

"Heavens  and  airth!"  sez  he, 

"What  ails  ye?"  sez  I. 

"  Tell  me  your  hull  name?" 

"Thought  you  knew  it     I  ain't  got  no  middle  name,"  sez  L 

"Your  name,"  sez  he. 

"Why,  Charity  Grinder,"  sez  I. 

"I  thought  so,"  sez  he. 

"Of  course  you  did,"  sez  I. 

"How  did  you  come  here  ?"  sez  he. 

"Got  in,"  sez  I. 

"Why?"  sez  he. 

"  Because  you  was  so  sot  on't,"  sez  L 

'  Explain,"  sez  he. 

"Why,"  sez  I,  "you  writ  me  a  couple  o'  letters  disclosin' 
your  feelin's,  and  I'm  a-goin'  fur  tu  keep  'em,  tew,  and  I  de- 
cisioned  tu  elope  with  you  in  kinsequence.  I've  broke  enough 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  297 

hearts  in  my  time,  I'm  sorry  tu  say.  Didn't  want  tu  hev  your'n 
on  my  conscience. " 

Sez  he,    "Here's  a  pickle." 

Sez  I,   "You've  done  it  o'  your  own  doin's." 

Sez  he,    ' '  Miss  Grinder,  here's  a  most  awful  mistake. " 

" Du  tell  1"  sez  I.      "What  is  it ?" 

"I  thought  she  was  you.  I  mean  you  was  she.  That  is,  I 
meant  those  letters  fur  Miss  Charity  Tifflin,"  sez  he. 

"Perjured  villain  !"  sez  I. 

"I  hain't,"  sez  he. 

"You  air,"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,  "I  said  Miss  Charity,  and  Bridget  made  a  mistake 
and  gin  you  the  note. " 

I  went  off  intu  highstrikes. 

He  jumps  out  o'  the  cab. 

"Take  this  here  lady  back  again,"  sez  he  tu  the  driver,  and 
he  skedaddled. 

So  I  went  hum,  and  as  true  as  my  name  is  Charity  Grinder 
I'm  goin'  tu  have  a  case  o'  breach  o'  promise  agin  him,  Perliny. 


298  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  THIRTY-SEVEN. 

MISS       GRINDER      SECURES      A      LAWYER. 

Miss  Grinder  :  "Lawyer  Perkins  in?  You  he?  Lor*! — 
don't  say  nuthing,  jist  give  me  a  cheer  and  let  me  sot  down. 
The  state  o'  my  wounded  feelin's  is  sich  that  I'm  tremblin'  like 
a  leaf.  But  I'm  goin'  tu  command  'em  sufficient  tu  tell  you  the 
hull,  and  I  hope  you'll  take  pertickeler  notice  o'  what  I  say. 
Never  gin  him  no  hopes  and  'twas  all  his  own  duin',  and  ef  'twas 
possible  tu  hev  him  hung  I'd  du  it " 

Lawyer  Perkins :   "To  whom  du  you  allude,  mum ?" 
Miss  G.  :  "To  that  wretch  Pigwiggin  Parmlee." 
Lawyer  P.  :  "Indeed,   mum — as  you  very  truly  observe,  a 
wretch,  mum — a  wretch ;  and  in  what  way  did  he  in  this  partic- 
ular instance  manifest  the  baseness  of  his  soul  ?     May  I  be  al- 
lowed to  inquire,  mum." 

Miss  G.  :  "Well,  Lawyer  Perkins,  fust  and  fomost  he  paid 
me  the  most  undoubterble  intentions,  and  then  he  sithed,  and 
then  he  writ,  and  then  he  perposed  an  elopement,  and  then  when 
we'd  got  half  way  he  backed  out  and  left  me  tu  go  hum  alone 
and  pay  the  coach  hire. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  299 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Mum,  you  shock  me.  I  have  heard  of  base 
ingratitude  before,  I  have  heard  of  cowardly  and  contemptible 
behavior  before,  but  never  in  all  my  professional  experience  have 
I  encountered  anything  to  equal  this.  I  give  you  my  word  of 
honor  as  a  gentleman  and  a  scholar,  mum,  I  do  indeed.  Allow 
me  to  offer  you  a  palm-leaf  fan,  and  a  glass  of  water ;  I  regret 
the  absence  of  ice.  Horrible  conduct,  unworthy  of  the  name 
of  man,  or  even  of  the  gorilla,  mum,  I  do  assure  you." 

Miss  G.  :  "Thought  you'd  thunk  so,  lawyer.  Ef  I'd  had 
more  experience  in  this  here  horrid  world,  I'd  hev  knowed  what 
he  was,  but  you  see,  I've  got  one  o'  them  there  angelic  disposi- 
tions that  don't  suspect  nobody  until  I've  diskivered  their  inik- 
wity,  and  bein'  ruther  young  and  considerabul  affectionate,  I 
gin  him  the  hull  emotions  o'  my  buzzum  afore  I  knowed  he 
warn't  worthy." 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Ah,  mum,  I  understand  you;  I  can  see  the 
whole.  I  have  often  had  reason  to  exclaim  in  the  course  of  my 
profession  :  the  man  who  could  trample  on  the  bleeding  heart 
of  woman,  mum,  must  be  a  wretch  indeed,  mum.  I  hope  you 
have  a  case,  mum. " 

Miss  G.  :  "Hey!  Why,  land  o'  liberty!  ef  I  hain't  who 
has?  Tell  ye  I  was  half  eloped  with  and  then  jilted." 

Lawyer  P.  :  "  You  make  my  blood  curdle  in  my  veins,  mum. 
I  made  this  inquiry  in  a  legal  sense.  A  brutal  jury,  mum,  re- 
quire proof.  They  trample  on  the  tenderest  feelings  of  the 
soul,  mum,  and  demand  proofs  and  witnesses,  mum." 

Miss  G.  :  "  I've  got  them,  thank  goodness.    There's  the  coach- 


3oo  THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS. 

man — I  ve  got  his  number — and  all  the  boarders,  and  all  the 
folks  I've  told  it  tu,  and  its  here  in  my  pocket  in  black  and 
white.  Here  they  air,  tew  notes,  one  on  'em  requestin'  a  inter- 
view and  t'other  an  elopement " 

Lawyer  P. :  "Allow  me  to  look  at  them,  mom.  Excellent, 
mum ;  the  very  thing.  Ah,  Mr.  Pigwiggin  Parmlee,  we  shall 
see,  sir,  whether  you  are  to  break  the  unsuspecting  female  heart 
at  your  will,  sir !  The  only  trouble  we  lawyers  have  is  that  hi 
such  cases  as  these,  mum,  where  we  would  like  to  labor  for  the 
cause  of  the  softer  sez,  we  are  obliged  to  require  a  fee — a  large 
one  often — we  don't  get  much  of  it  The  brutal  jury  charge  us 
heavily;  so  does  the  judge;  so  do  the  other  officers,  mum. 
And  parchment  costs  so  much,  and  red  tape  and  ink  are  really 
a  frightful  price,  mum  !" 

Miss  G.  :   "Lor7,  I  kin  afford  tu  pay  suthin'." 

Lawyer  P.  :  "I'm  rejoiced  to  hear  it,  mum.  Not  that  one 
penny  will  go  into  my  pocket,  but  for  your  sake,  mum. " 

Miss  G.  :  "Yes,  I  kin  afford  it  I've  got  property  tu  Peeks- 
kill,  and  twenty  thousand  in  the  bank,  and  a  ile  farm.  I'd  like 
tu  hev  him  hung.  I'd  be  willin'  tu  pay  double  fur  that  Not 
out  o'  no  spent  o'  revenge,  but  bekase  I'd  like  tu  hev  him  made 
a  warnin'  o'  tu  the  men  sect " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "I  applaud  your  motives,  mum.  But  a  brutal 
j  ury,  mum,  and  an  inhuman  judge,  mum,  refuse  to  punish  such 
traitors  as  they  desen-e ;  but  we  can  make  him  disgorge  his  ill- 
gotten  gold,  mum,  and  he  will  suffer,  mum.  Such  base  wretches 
always  have  their  hearts  in  their  pockets,  mum. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  301 

MissG.  :  "Well,  I  reckon  he  hain't  got  nuthin'  else  there, 
for  he  don't  pay  his  board  reg'lar.  But,  now,  look  here,  couldn't 
ye  put  him  in  the  States  Prison  ?" 

Lawyer  P.  :  "We  will  strive  and  do  so,  mum.  He  defrauded 
you,  I  think,  of  the  coach  hire  ?" 

Miss  G.  :  "Yes,  sir — a  dollar-and-a-half.  Shouldn't  a  paid 
it  only  he  was  swearin'  horrid  outside  the  house  at  the  solemn 
hour  o'  half-past  one. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Horrible!  horrible!  Ahem!  Did  you  say, 
mum,  you're  full  property  was  in  the  neighborhood  of  Peeks- 
kill?" 

Miss  G.  :  "  Law,  yes ;  and  my  money  is  in  the  Brewers'  and 
Bakers'  Bank.  Don't  use  much  on'L  My  rents  is  consider- 
able for  a  lone  young  lady.  Don't  expect  I  shill  ever  unite  intu 
the  bonds  o'  pardnership  with  nobody  now.  My  feelin's  is  so 
disgusted  with  the  men  sect !" 

Lawyer  P.  :  "  Allow  me,  mum,  to  assert  that  all  men  are  not 
the  villains  this  wretch  has  proved  himself,  mum. " 

MissG.  :  "Well,  p'raps  not;  but  I'm  kinder  sot  agin  'em. 
Tu  be  harf  aloped  with  is  aggravatin'. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Heart-breaking,  mum.  Ah  !  had  I  been  in  his 
place,  mum,  I ,  but  no  matter — no  matter  1  You  are  for- 
ever disgusted  with  the  sex  to  which  I  have  the  misfortune  to 
belong,  mum."  * 

Miss  G.  :  "Lor',  don't  go  a  thinkin'  I  allude  such  conduct  tu 
you.  Probably  you've  got  a  pardner  a'ready. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "No,  mum,  no.     I  am  that  most  wretched  of 


3o2  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

all  bangs,  mum,  an  old  bachelor,  mum.  There  was  an  angel 
— but  no  matter,  mum,  except  that  I  must  be  allowed  to  re- 
mark that  the  outline  of  your  countenance  reminds  me  of  her, 
mum.  She  was  all  grace  and  beauty. " 

Miss  G.  :  "I  allers  du  feel  tu  pity  bachelders,  they  ginerally 
suffer  so  fur  want  o'  a  congemalate  companionship  o'  the  wim- 
min  sect,  and  the  heft  o'  ther  buttons  is  off. " 

Lawyer  P.  :   "Ah,  you  little  know,  mum." 

MissG.  :  "Yes,  I  du.  Ther  was  bachelder  Owl.  He  lived 
alone  in  rooms  tu  Peekskill.  They  was  all  stuck  up  with  dirt, 
such  a  nasty  place  I  never  did  see,  and  he  lived  on  bread,  and 
bologny,  and  beer,  because  he  couldn't  cook  nuthin'. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Unhappy  wretch!  But  the  circumstance  of 
your  case,  mum.  Allow  me  tu  ask  a  few  questions.  How  did 
the  wretch  unworthy  of  the  name  of  man,  mum,  find  an  excuse 
for  his  conduct,  mum  ?" 

Miss  G.  :   "He  didn't  make  none." 

Lawyer  P.  :  "I  beg  your  pardon.  But  I  presume  there  was 
a  quarrel." 

MissG.:  "No,  ther  warn't  He  hadn't  no  excuse.  He  writ 
tu  me  tu  elope,  and  I  felt  tu  be  afraid  how't  ef  I  didn't  exceed 
tu  his  request  he'd  go  and  commit  feller-de-spree,  as  some  has 
I've  been  cruel  tu. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "I  can  understand  their  emotions,  mum.  Well, 
mum  ?" 

Miss  G  :  "Well,  I  tuk  some  things  along  o'  me  and  went 
out  tu  the  cab  when  it  arriv,  and  entered,  and  Pigwiggin  fust 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  303 

felt  tu  rejice  how't  I'd  come,  said  he  did  anyhow,  and  made 
manifestations  o'  kissin'  me,  which  I  rejected  with  dignitude, 
and  then  he  went  and  pretended  he  didn't  know  me,  and  said, 
'  Driver,  drive  this  here  lady  hum, '  and  skedaddled.  Ef  ever 
there  was  a  promise  o'  breach  this  is  one. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "  Ah,  me,  we  will  have  him,  mum.  My  blood 
boils  when  I  think  of  him,  mum.  And  you  have  witnesses. 
We  will  take  the  list,  mum. " 

Miss  G.  :  "Yes,  there's  Miss  Tifflin,  the  lady  o'  the  house, 
and  her  darters,  and  Miss  Smith,  and  Miss  Brown,  and  Bridget 
Gallager,  and  the  coachman,  and  the  rest  I've  told  on't. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Dear  me,  mum,  a  formidable  list  indeed.  I 
trust  we  shall  have  more  than  Pigwiggin  expects  to  confront  him 
with.  Will  you  favor  me  with  your  address,  mum.  Thank 
you ;  I  shall  call  on  you  to-morrow,  and  we  shall  probably  re- 
member more  of  this  heart-blighting  perfidy,  mum.  These  let- 
ters are  precious  evidence,  mum.  We  shall  have  a  sad  pleasure 
in  collecting  evidence,  mum.  You  will  be  at  home  at  three.  I 
I  shall  do  myself  the  pleasure  of  calling  then. " 

Miss  G.  :  "  Du.  I  shill  recollect  more  then;  my  feelin's 
kind  o'  obfusticates  me  jist  now. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Naturally,  naturally,  mum.  But,  mum,  allow 
me  to  observe,  the  worst  of  this  villain's  conduct — the  worst 
consequence  I  mean — is,  that  you  abhor  my  unhappy  sex." 

Miss  G.  :  "Well,  I  dunno,  but  I'll  a'tempt  fur  tu  obviate  my 
dislike  tu  'em.  'Tain't  fair  fur  tu  sot  agin  all  because  one  hain't 
turned  out  right,  I  know. " 


3o4  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Lawyer  P.  :  "No,  mum,  no.  It  is  not  fair,  mum,  to  men 
who,  like  myself,  adore  your  sex,  mum.  Take  my  arm,  mum 
— the  stairs  are  steep — and  allow  me  to  see  you  to  the  door. 
Better,  mum,  to  suffer  than  to  be  the  wretch  who  stabs. " 

Miss  G.  :  "Yes,  I  hevthe  conscientiousness  o'  rektertude  fur 
tu  sustain  me.  When  my  bography  is  writ,  them  that  hain't 
appreciated  me  will  see  how't  I've  bore  all  my  trials  with  digni- 
tude,  and  have  been  a  model  tu  my  sect. " 

Lawyer  P.  "Yes,  mum.  I  shall  remember  your  high  moral 
character,  mum  ;  I  shall  place  it  before  the  court ;  I  feel  great 
joy,  mum,  in  conducting  a  case  for  one  so  worthy.  To-morrow 
we  shall  meet  again,  mum.  Adieu.  I  cannote  sooth  your 
breaking  heart,  mum,  for  mine  is  breaking  too,  mum ;  be  care- 
ful of  the  step.  Au  revoir,  mum." 

Miss  G.  :  "Good-by.  It's  comfortin' fur  tu  meet  a  conge- 
nialate  sperit  intu  this  vale  o'  bothers. " 

Lawyer  P.  :  "It  is  indeed.  But  it  makes  it  harder  to  return 
to  a  fireside,  mum,  unblest,  mum,  by  the  presence  of  lovely  wo- 
man, mum." 

Miss  G.  :  "Lor',  now,  why  don't  you  select  apardner?" 
Lawyer  P.  :   "  Because,  mum,  the  one  whose  grace,  dignity, 
and  excellence  have  won  my  heart,  has  been  rendered  averse  to 
thoughts  of  union  by  the  perfidy  of  one  villain,  mum — unwor- 
thy even  of  the  name  of  Pigwiggin ;  but  I  speak  too  boldly,  I 
see,   mum.     Let  me  retire   before   I   commit   myself  further. 
Pardon  me,  mum." 
•     Miss  G.  :  "Lor',  you're  very  excusable." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  305 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Thank  you,  mum  ;  adieu,  mum.  We  shall 
meet  again  to-morrow,  mum.  How  I  shall  look  forward  to  to- 
morrow. Adieu." 

Miss  Grinder  departs. 

Lawyer  P.  :  "Nice  little  property ;  pretty  good  sum  in  bank  ; 
even  with  female  attached  it  would  be  better  than  this  dirty  office 
and  no  client.  I'll  do  it.  But  I'll  see  what  can  be  got  out  of 
the  Pigwiggin  case  first.  There  was  Chouse,  who  conducted  the 
case  of  Heart  versus  Jilter,  and  married  the  plaintiff;  the  case 
brought  him  enough  to  furnish  a  house  with,  and  the  expenses 
of  the  bridal  tour. " 


3o6  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  THIRTY-EIGHT. 

CHARITY   IS    ENGAGED   TO    A   MEMBER   OF   THE    BAR. 

Lawful  suz  1  air  this  you,  Tabby  Mouser  ?  Who'd  a  thunk  it ! 
How  yaller  you  air  lookin' ;  ain't  you  well  ?  Glad  tu  hear  how't 
you  air,  but  I  wouldn't  a  supposed  you  was.  Didn't  know  as 
I'd  speak  tu  ye  when  I  fust  saw  ye — I  felt  so  consarned  about 
bein'  the  talk  o'  the  hull  o'  Peekskill.  What  should  they  talk 
about  ?  Why,  land  o'  liberty !  don't  you  know  ?  I  shouldn't 
hev  reckoned  how't  there  was  a  critter  there  as  hadn't  had  me  in 
ther  mouths  ;  but  then  you've  ben  travelin'.  I'd  like  tu  hev  the 
patron  o'  that  gownd.  I'm  goin'  tu  travel,  tew.  'Tain't  be- 
comin'  tu  your  shape,  you  are  so  slab-sided,  but  'twould  be  tu 
mine. 

Where  am  I  goin'?  Why,  onto  a  wed  din'  tower,  of  course. 
I'm  goin'  tu  be  united  into  the  bonds  o'  matermony  with  a  legal 
lawyer  o'  New  York — one  o'  the  fust  o'  his  perfession — name  o' 
Perkins.  He's  a  very  elegant  man,  and  the  way  he  cum  tu 
manerfest  his  intentions  was  pecooliar. 

You  see,  I  was  a  boardin'  tu  a  fashionable  boardin'-us,  and 
there  I  was  infested  with  the  admerations  o'  a  number  o'  gentle- 
men, though  I  treated  'em  with  onparalleled  scorn.  However, 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  307 

one  on  'em  had  the  art  tu  make  a  fav'rable  depression  ontu  me> 
and  arter  he  had  writ  a  thousand  notes  tu  me,  and  gone  ontu 
his  knees  and  threatened  tu  commit  feller-de-spree,  I  dissented 
tu  elope  with  him. 

Don't  never  trust  no  men  critters,  Tabby.  Their  vows  isn't 
worth  nothin'.  Guess  what  was  my  feelin's  when,  arter  conde- 
scendin'  tu  go  off  with  the  critter,  and  actilly  bein'  in  the  car- 
ridge,  he  changed  his  senterments  and  left  me,  half  eloped  with, 
tu  go  hum  alone.  Nat'rally  I  felt  tu  be  anxious  tu  punish  him, 
and  I  called  on  a  legal  lawyer  fur  tu  constitute  perceedin's  o'  a 
breach  o'  promise  o'  marriage  libel  suit.  The  gentleman  I  per- 
chanced  tu  call  ontu  was  lawyer  Perkins,  and  the  fust  moment 
he  saw  me  he  devoted  himself  tu  me.  He  hadn't  no  occasion 
fur  tu  explain  his  feelin's  fur  a  spell,  but  he  says  he  exasperated 
'em  a-toilin'  in  my  cause.  He  had  the  gentleman  (I  wouldn't 
mention  his  name  on  no  account)  cotcht  fur  me,  and  found  out 
how't  he  hadn't  nothin',  and  didn't  expct  tu  hev  nothin',  and 
owed  his  board  bill,  and  his  tailor,  and  his  shoemaker,  and  was 
jest  married  on  the  sly  tu  the  landlady's  darter.  And  he  told  me 
how't  a  onfeelin'  judge  and  jury  wouldnt  hang  him,  and  how, 
even  if  we  was  tu  get  hold  on  his  ring  and  watch,  they  warn't 
gold  and  dimonts,  but  only  granite  and  plumbago,  or  suthin'  o' 
those  naturs,  and  ther  warn't  no  way  tu  recompense  my  wounded 
feelin's  in  a  pecooniary  way.  ' '  Only, "  sez  he,  a-gettin'  ontu 
his  knees — we  was  alone  in  his  office — "only,  my  dear  madam 
— or,  rather,  my  dear  miss — there  is  ways  tu  heal  the  wounds  o' 
the  heart  o'  a  tender  natur'. " 


308  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Dunno  what  you  kin  mean,"  sez  I. 

Sez  he,    ' '  By  acceptin'  o'  the  devotion  o'  another. " 

"Deu  tell,"  sez  I.      "But  I  hain't  had   another  offered  tu 
me." 

Sez  he,    ' '  It  air. " 

Sez  I,    ' '  You  air  mistook. " 

Sez  he,    "Behold  me  at  your  feet,  mum." 

"What  hevyou  got  down  there  fur?"  sez  I. 

' '  Tu  offer  you  my  hand  and  heart, "  sez  he. 

"  Deu  go  'way,"  sez  I.      "I  don't  place  no  faith  in  the  men 
sect  no  more." 

Sez  he,    "You  wrong  'em,  mum." 

Sez  I,   "No,  I  don't — like  as  not  you'd  act  like  the  other  crit- 
ter." 

Sez  he,   "  Hear  me  swear. " 
Sez  I,    "Don't  you  durst  use  no  bad  langwidge." 
Sez  he,    "I  intended   tu  say,  mum,   believe  me   on  oath, 
mum. " 

Sez  I,   "No,  Lawyer  Perkins,  my  heart  is  turned  tu  stun." 
Sez  he,   "Let  adoration  soften  it" 

Sez  I,    "Oh,  don't !     Your  unmitigated  intentions  only  dis- 
tresses me. " 

Sez  he,    "  Don't  say  that — give  me  hope." 

"Hope  o'  what?"  sez  I. 

"That  you  will  become  Mrs.  Perkins,"  sez  he. 

Sez  I,   < ( Spare  my  blushes, "  and  I  swounded. 

This  here  is  my  engagement  ring.     It  was  a  present  tu  Law- 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  309 

yer  Perkins  from  a  clientude  what  he  divorced,  so't  he  could 
marry  another  wife.  It's  got  a  pearl  intu  it — a  pearl  dug  out  o' 
the  mines  o'  Golcondy,  Lawyer  Perkins  sez. 

Now,  seein'  you  air  here,  s'posin'  you  be  bride-maid,  and 
s'posin'  you  go  along  o'  me  tu  the  dressmaker's.  I  ginerally 
make  for  myself,  but  on  this  here  occasion  I  shill  hev  tu  make 
a  pertickeler  spludge,  seein'  we're  tu  be  united  tu  a  church,  and 
pro'bly  the  hull  o'  Fifty  aveny  will  turn  out  tu  see  the  spectacu- 
lar. Hope  they  won't  hev  nuthin'  in  the  papers  about  the  beauty 
o'  the  bride.  It's  so  annoyin'  and  confusin'  tu  them  o'  retirin' 
sentiments  tu  read  critikems  about  ther  looks.  Seems  tu  me  if 
I'd  been  Queen  Victory's  darter  I'd  gin  up.  Ther  was  columbs 
on  columbs  o'  descriptives  o'  her  appearance  when  she  was  mar- 
ried. I  hope  they  won't  treat  me  so. 

Ain't  do  danger  ? — they  let  common  folks  alone  ?  Why,  Tab- 
by, I  guess  ther's  as  much  danger  as  when  any  other  detractive 
person  com.es  before  the  public ;  and  I'd  hev  you  remember  a 
legal  lawyer's  lady  ain't  common  folks. 

Is  my  espouzed  young  or  old  ?  Well,  Tabby,  he's  arriv  at  the 
fascernatin'  period  o'  middlin'  life,  neither  one  nor  t'other.  He's 
a  fine  figger  o'  a  man,  and  the  only  fault  I  find  is,  his  nose  is 
ruther  long,  and  he  ain't  got  no  shirt  collar.  I  shall  make  him 
wear  'em,  though,  arter  we  are  one.  My  weddin'  dress  is  tu  be 
a  pale  laylock.  I  had  it  took  up  tu  the  dressmaker's  yesterday. 
Here  we  air ;  come  in. 

"Well,  Miss  Prink,  heowd'yedu?" 

Miss  Prink  :   "Oh,  you  are  the  lady  that  wants  the  lilac  silk 


3io  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

made.     There's  been  a  mistake  somehow.     They  haven't  sent 
half  enough." 

Charity:  "Lor',  I'll  run  right  back.  I  declare,  I'm  skeered. 
Mebbe  the  arrand  boy  took  it.  I  bought  seven  yards. " 

Miss  Prink:  "Oh  dear  me,  madam,  seven  yards  won't  do. 
It  takes  fourteen. " 

Charity  :  "Land  o'  liberty !  I  hain't  never  used  more'n  seven 
in  my  life.  Used  to  get  five  or  six,  but  sence  it's  the  fashion  tu 
wear  hoops  I've  had  another  breadth.  I  sha'n't  fling  my  money 
tu  the  pigs.  Besides,  I  knows  the  ways  o'  you  York  dressma- 
kers. You  kin  make  it  if  you  like. " 

Miss  Prink  :   "I  really  don't  see  how. " 

Charity  :  "Yes,  you  du — and  I  want  it  tu  sot  slick,  tu,  fur  it's 
fur  a  pertikelar  occasion.  P'int  o'  fact,  I'm  about  tu  be  united 
tu  a  legal  lawyer  o'  this  city,  and  bein',  as  he  sez,  the  elect  o' 
York  will  be  tu  church  tu  observe  us,  I  don't  want  no  wrinkles 
in  my  back. " 

Miss  Prink  :   ' '  There  won't  be  stuff  enough  for  any. " 

Tabby  Mouser:   "He!  he!  he!" 

Miss  Prink :  "I  mean  no  back.  You'd  better  gei  seven  yards 
more,  madam.  You'd  of  course  want  a  nice  train  with  a  wed- 
ding dress,  and  sleeves  take  a  width. " 

Charity :   "I  want  short  sleeves  and  low  neck,  and  a  flounce." 

Miss  Prink:   "Oh,  my!" 

Charity:   "Hey?" 

Miss  Prink  :   "Where's  the  flounce  .o  come  from,  miss? 

Charity :  "What you  don't  make  sleeves  of." 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  311 

Tabby  :   "You  will  look  sweet  in  a  low  body,  dear." 

Charity:  "Of  course  I  shall.  And  I  don't  care  fur  no  great 
width  of  a  flounce. " 

Miss  Prink  :  "I  hope  not.  ma'am.  And  it's  fair  to  warn  you 
that  you'll  only  have  four  breadths,  and  that  the  skirt  won't  come 
to  the  ankles. " 

Charity:  "Well,  I  don't  keer  tu  trail  my  petticuts  through 
the  mud.  And  I'm  goin'  tu  hev  rosettes  put  ontu  my  slippers, 
so't  I  shouldn't  like  tu  hev  my  feet  hid  up.  Here's  some  old 
caliker  fur  facing,  and  some  gilt  buttons.  I  expect  they'll  tax 
all  creation  fur  a  bridewell  bunnit. " 

Miss  Prink  groans,  and  begins  to  cut  out  the  waist. 

Charity  stands  up  to  be  fitted. 

Tabby  Mouser  (to  milliner's  girl)  :  "The  idea  o'  her  gettin' 
married. " 

Girl :  ' '  There's  hopes  for  everybody. " 

Tabby:  "Why,  she's  a  dreadful  age.  She  was  grown  up 
when  I  was  quite  a  little  gal.  I  should  think  she'd  be  ashamed 
of  herself  to  get  married  now.  Well,  poor  man  !  I  pity  him. " 

Girl :   "Ain't  she  a  good  temper?" 

Tabby :  ' '  You  might  judge  by  her  expression.  And  just  look 
at  that  lilac  against  her  yaller  skin. " 

Girl :  "The  short  sleeves  and  the  skirt  is  what  I'm  thinking 
of." 

Charity:   "  How  does  it  fit?" 

Tabby:  "Oh,  splendid!  Lilac  is  just  what  you  ought  to 
wear. " 


312  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

Girl :  "Oh  !  how  becoming  it  will  be  with  bracelets  !" 
Charity:  "I've  got  some  wax  beads  I  shill  string.  Now 
mind,  Miss  Prink,  sew  it  strong.  I  think,  come  tu  consider,  I 
sha'n't  buy  no  bunniL  A  yard  o'  bobbinet  and  a  wreath  o' 
orange  blossoms  will  du  tu  wear  tu  the  altar,  and  I'll  hev  my 
last  bunnit  trimmed  with  green,  and  wear  the  vail  along  with  it 
tu  travel.  I'll  come  arter  the  gound  a  Monday,  Miss  Prink. 
Good-by.  I'm  goin'  tu  du  some  more  shoppin',  and  arter  that, 
Tabby,  I'll  go  hum  tu  tea  with  you,  tu  where  you  air  visitin', 
fur  I  ain't  sot  up,  Tabby,  by  bein'  elewated  in  serciety,  and  shill 
be  jest  as  afferbul  and  condescending  when  I'm  the  bride  o'  a 
legal  lawyer  as  I  hev  been  all  my  life.  I  sha'n't  take  no  airs 
over  you,  Tabby,  and  whenever  none  o'  the  elect  o'  New  York 
ain't  visitin'  me  shall  allers  be  glad  tu  put  you  in  my  spare. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  313 


NUMBER  THIRTY-NINE. 

A    LEAF    FROM    CHARITY    GRINDER'S    DIARY    ON  HER   WEDDING-DAY. 

Fust  o'  September,  7  o'clock. — I  open  these  here  pages  fur  tu 
sot  down  my  emotions  on  my  weddin'  mornin'.  Me  and  Per- 
kins is  tu  be  married  at  harf-parst  ten.  Tabby  Mouser  is  tu  be 
bride-maid.  What  an  envious  critter  she  is !  Thank  fortune,  I 
warn't  made  like  her.  She's  been  detractable  toward  Perkins. 
Made  remarks  consarnin'  his  no>e,  and  said  she  hoped  tu  gra- 
cious when  she  was  made  one  her  espouzed  wouldn't  be  an  old 
bachelder. 

"An  old  fiddlestick's  end,"  sez  I.      "Du  you  like  widivers?" 

"No,"  sez  she.      "  But  young  men  is  more  agreeable. " 

"Lor',"  sez  I,  "should  think  you'd  hev  some  one  o'  a  soot- 
able  age,  ef  you  hed  any  one. " 

Sez  she,  "Sootable?  Why,  I'm  ages  younger'n  what  you  be. 
I  look  old  on  account  o'  ill-health. " 

"You're  strong  as  a  hoss,"  sez  I,  "and  you're  a  seniority  o' 
mine,  any  way. " 

' '  I  hain't, "  sez  she.  ' '  You  was  growed  up  when  I  was  a 
little  critter.  Only  I  was  intellectable  and  got  took  notice  of 
by  growed-up  folks." 


3H  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

And  I  didn't  say  nuthin'  more,  for  she  was  tu  put  up  my  back 
hair  in  a  waterfall,  and  I  knowed  ef  I  made  her  mad  'twouldn't 
be  done  straight  So  we  made  up,  and  I  expect  that's  her  at  the 
door  now. 

9  o'clock. — I'm  dressed  in  my  bridal  costoom.  How  my 
heart  does  palpertate.  Perkins  is  comin'  round  the  corner  in  a 
cab.  I  see  his  nose  a'ready.  Now  he's  speakin'  tu  the  driver. 

Adoo,  dear  pages.  When  I  write  ontu  you  agin  I  won't  be  a 
blushin'  maiden  no  more,  but  a  married  matron,  united  intu 
matermony  tu  a  legal  lawyer.  I'll  be  Mrs.  Perkins,  not  Charity 
Grinder.  Adoo,  scenes  o'  my  galhood  !  A  new  life  is  before 
me. 

Fust  o'  September,  9  o'clock  at  night — I  wonder  whether  I 
couldn't  hev  the  law  o'  Perkins.  Oh,  the  wretch !  The  de- 
ceivin'  critter ! 

I  allers  said  beware  o'  the  men  sect,  and  now  I  suffer  fur  not 
bewarin'  o'  them  myself  I  thought  it  was  bad  enough  tu  be 
half  eloped  with,  but  this  is  wuss. 

We  arriv  at  church  all  safe,  and  found  the  minister  there.  He 
made  us  stand  up  before  him.  A  gentleman  Mr.  Perkins  had 
fur  groomsman  stood  behind  him,  and  Tabby  Mouser  stood  be- 
hind me.  The  minister  said  a  few  words  about  the  objict  o' 
marryin'  and  the  juties  o'  them  that  was,  then  sez  he  : 

' '  Lawyer  Perkins,  now  I  want  to  know  whether  you'll  hev 
this  lady  fur  tu  live  with  discordant  tu  the  state  o'  matermony? 
take  care  on  her,  whether  'tis  well  or  only  middlin',  or  confined 
tu  bed  ?  and  be  a  good  pervider  as  long  as  you  live  ?" 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  315 

Sez  Lawyer  Perkins,    "  I  will." 

He  might  o'  sed  more  on  sich  an  occasion. 

Sez  the  minister  tu  me  : 

"Miss  Grinder,  I  feel  tu  be  obliged  tu  ask  you  whether  you 
air  willin'  tu  hev  Lawyer  Perkins  fur  your  lawful,  legal,  wedded 
pardner  ?" 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  hev  made  up  my  mind  tu,  though,  arter 
my  disdain  o'  the  hull  men  sect,  it  does  seem  kinder  curus. 
But  you  see  he  felt  tu  be  wretched  on  account  o'  my  scorn,  and 
I  gin  in.  I  hope  I  sha'n't  regret  it. " 

Minister  goes  on : 

"Will  you  obey  him,  and  honor  him,  and  stick  tu  him  all 
your  life?" 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  dunno  about  givin'  up  my  own  way;  but 
I'll  do  what  I  think  best.  And  I  sha'n't  stay  from  hum  much. 
I'm  no  great  gadder. " 

Then  he  pronounced  us  man  and  wife,  and  shook  hands  with 
us,  and  we  all  went  and  had  oysters  at  a  restaurant.  Then 
Tabby  went  along  o'  us,  and  the  groomsman  took  his  departer, 
and  we  driv  hum  tu  Mr.  Perkins'  house. 

'Twas  a  shaky  old  frame ;  but  I  knowed  he  was  a  bachelder, 
and  hadn't  had  no  great  o'  a  habertation,  and  besides  we  was  re- 
solved tu  live  tu  Peekskill.  But  there  was  suthin'  queer  about 
the  place,  and  that  was  the  noise  o'  children. 

"Lawyer  Perkins,"  sez  I,  "you  didn't  tell  me  how't  you  had 
tenants. " 

"Well,  I  hain't,    sez  he. 


3i6  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

1 '  Some  o'  the  neighbors  in,  perhaps, "  sez  I. 

He  didn't  say  nothin'.  He  walks  us  intu  the  parlor — a  nasty, 
dirty  place,  all  cobwebs — and  goes  out  again. 

"Bridget,"  I  hears  him  call,    "fetch  up  the  children." 

Then  he  comes  in  agin.  Arter  a  while  up  comes  feet,  stamp- 
in'  and  scrapin',  and  in  walks  the  help. 

"This  is  your  new  missus,"  sez  he. 

"Good  mornin',  ma'am,"  sez  she. 

"Heow  d'ye  du?"  sez  I.  "You  and  me  has  got  tu  get  tu 
work  cleanin'  pretty  soon,  I  reckon,  by  the  looks  o'  things. 
And  you  hadn't  orter  hev  all  the  neighbor's  young  'uns  intu  your 
master's  house." 

Lawyer  Perkins  looks  womblecropt,  and  sez  he : 

"Miss  Grinder,  mum — I  mean  Mrs.  Perkins,  mum — I  have 
an  explanation  tu  make,  mum." 

"Go  ahead  and  make  it,"  sez  I. 

"I  believe  you  supposed  me  a  bachelor,  mum,"  sez  he. 

"Eh?"  sez  I. 

"A  bachelor,  mum,"  sez  he.  "The  fact  is,  I  have  always 
been  an  admirer  of  the  fair  sex,  mum ;  and  there  was  a  former 
Mrs.  Perkins,  mum  ;  long  deceased,  mum.  Previous  to  which, 
mum,  she  eloped  with  a  clerk  of  mine,  mum,  and  all  the  ready 
money  there  happened  to  be  in  the  house,  mum,  which  was  not 
much,  Mrs.  Perkins,  mum,  I  assure  you. " 

"Land  o'  liberty!"  sez  I,  "do  you  durst  confess  to  be  an 
abominable  widder. " 

He  goes  harf  down  ontu  his  knees,  and  sez  he : 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  317 

"She  left  me  a  pledge  o'  her  affection,  mum — a  memento  of 
our   hours  of  felicity.     Allow   me   to  introduce   them,    mum. 
Children,  come   and   kiss  your  new  mamma  !"  and  in  comes 
eight  o'  the  dirtiest  young  'uns  I  ever  sot  eyes  onto. 

"There  are  Washington,  Napoleon,  Agrippa,  Cleopatra,  Pla- 
temy,  Augustus,  Cynthia,  and  Aurora,"  sez  he.  "Ther'  pet 
names  is  Washy,  Pony,  Grippy,  Pat,  Lemy,  Gust,  Cinth,  and 
Rory,  mum,"  sez  he. 

"Eight  on  'em,"  sez  I.     I  couldn't  say  nuthin'  more. 

"Eight  angel  blessins !"  sez  he.  "Grippy  ain't  you  ashamed 
of  pinching  your  sister  Cinth  at  such  a  moment.  They  need 
a  mother's  care,  mum." 

"And  soap  and  water,  tu,  I  should  think,"  sez  I.  "The 
late  Miss  Perkins  had  plenty  of  'em,  anyway." 

"She  always  presented  me  with  twins,"  sez  he. 

"Should  think  she  did,"  sez  I.      "Any  more  of  'em?" 

"No,"  sez  he,    "no  more  children." 

"Out  with  it,"  sez  I.  "The  hull  truth,  and  nuthin'  but  the 
truth. " 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "I  have  the  happiness  of  informing  you  that 
your  hours  of  loneliness  during  my  absence  will  be  cheered  by 
the  presence  of  my  late  wife's  mother,  Mrs.  Bamberry,  mum, 
who  is  confined  to  her  bed  the  best  part  o'  the  time  with  rheu- 
matism, and  by  the  society  of  her  maiden  daughter,  who  is  at 
present  absent." 

"She'd  better  stay,"  sez  I. 

"She  is  certain  tu  return,  mum,"  sez  he. 


318  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "of  all  tricks  tu  play  upon  a  body?  You  a 
legal  lawyer,  too.  I'll  hev  a  divorce. " 

"You  never  asked  me  whether  I'd  been  married,"  sez  he. 

"'Tain't  the  marryin',  it's  the  young  'uns,"  sez  I.  "I  ain't 
a-goin' tu  stay  here.  I'll  go  hum." 

"You  may  depart,  mum,"  sez  he.  "I  shall  not  bar  your 
way,  mum ;  but  remember  you  consign  me  to  despair,  mum. 
When  the  heart's  best  affections  have  been  awakened,  tu  have 
'em  crushed  is  death,  mum.  To  look  intu  eyes  made  to  ex- 
press emotions  and  tenderness,  mum,  and  read  scorn  in  them, 
mum,  is  to  be  cast  from  the  heights  of  bliss,  mum,  tu  the  char- 
nel-house of  despair.  I  confess  my  guilt,  mum ;  but  had  I  not 
temptation,  mum  ?  Allow  me  to  lead  you  to  the  mirror,  mum. 
Can  you  wonder  when  you  gaze  upon  that  fair  reflection,  mum, 
that  it  beguiles  weak  man  to  err,  mum  ?  And  when  combined 
with  such  charms  as  you  reflect  upon  the  qualities  of  mind  and 
heart,  mum,  and  the  loneliness  of  my  lot,  mum,  can  you  blame 
me  ?  No,  gentlemen  of  the  jury — I  mean  Mrs.  Perkins — mum, 
that  were  impossible.  But  go,  charmer — leave  the  one  who 
loves  you  tu  despair.  There  yet  remains  in  the  chemist  stores 
of  old  New  York  laudanum  and  arsenic.  There  is  a  river  and 
a  morgue  for  the  weary.  Farewell,  mum. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "seein'  you  feel  so  bad,  I  reckon  I'll  forgive 
you.  Take  them  young  'uns  down  stairs,  Bridget,  and  get  a 
kettle  o'  hot  water  fur  'em  ;  and  if  there  is  a  place  clean  enough 
tu  eat  in  we'll  hev  tea.  Things  ain't  goin  tu  be  as  they  air  here 
if  we  only  stay  a  week. " 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  310 

I'd  been  consideratin',  and  though  Mr.  Perkins  had  deceived 
me,  and  though  he  did  deserve  tu  be  put  in  jail,  he  was  the  fust 
husband  I'd  ever  had,  and  I  didn't  want  tu  get  rid  o'  him  before 
they,  that  has  said  I  couldn't  if  I  would,  had  seen  him.  Be- 
sides, he  is  a  legal  lawyer,  and  a  fine  rigger  of  a  man,  and  has 
the  most  intilectible  nose  I  ever  sot  eyes  on.  But  I'll  hev  it  out 
o'  Miss  Bamberry  and  her  darter,  and  them  young  'uns,  as  sure 
as  my  name  is  Miss  Perkins. 


320  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  FORTY. 

THE    LATE    MISS    GRINDER    HAS    QUEEN    EMMA    TO    TEA. 

I  ain't  Miss  Grinder  no  more.  I'm  Miss  Lawyer  Perkins. 
Them  that  has  said  I  couldn't  if  I  would,  know  the  truth  o' 
their  dissertions  now.  I  allers  hev  felt  tu  scorn  and  despise  'em. 
Now  I  feel  tu  pity  'em  ;  though  it's  only  my  nobility  o'  soul  that 
makes  me  du  it,  fur  they  ain't  deservin'  o'  no  pity.  Suppose 
they  talk  agin  me  now  wuss  than  ever.  Poor  old  maids ! 

At  present  we're  residin'  to  York.  I've  had  the  house  fixed 
up  consid'rable,  and  I've  had  all  the  young  'uns  sent  tu  a  board- 
in'-school  o'  a  cheap  denomination,  and  give  the  late  Miss  Per- 
kins' ma  and  sister  orders  to  quit  They  air  a-goin'  tu  their 
cousin  Jenning's  Monday,  and  the  help  has  left,  and  I've  got 
another  by  the  name  o'  Jane.  I  keep  her  at  it 

Airly  as  it  is  I  have  Perkins  under  my  thumb.  He  doesn't  du 
nuthin'  without  my  orders.  You  see  /hev  the  money,  and  un- 
til he  gets  clientudes  he  won't  have  none.  I  keep  remindin' 
him  of  that 

He  sot  up  purty  high  about  the  late  Miss  Perkins'  relation- 
ships goin' ;  but  he's  gin  in  at  last.  I  believe  he's  goin'  tu  pay 
their  board  on  the  sly.  I'll  watch  him,  though.  Married  life 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  321 

has  its  troubles — I  didn't  never  know  how  great  they  was.  Ther's 
his  temper,  and  his  buttons,  and  darnin'  his  stockin's,  and  see- 
in'  he  don't  look  arter  pretty  gals,  or  be  perlite  tu  designing 
widders.  Men  is  so  deceptive. 

It  takes  half  the  time  tu  patch  'em  and  the  rest  half  tu  watch 
'em.  There's  a  young  help  down  the  street  that  allers  sweeps 
the  walk  just  as  Lawyer  Perkins  goes  past  mornin's.  I  think  it 
is  premedulated  ;  but  I've  gin  him  warnin'  what'll  happen  if  he 
takes  notice  on  her.  He  sezs : 

"Mrs.  Perkins,  mum,  can  you  suspect  either  my  eyes  or  my 
heart  of  wandering  when  such  charms  dwell  at  home,  mum, 
under  the  name  o'  Mrs.  Perkins?" 

But  he  wanted  a  five-dollar  bill  just  then,  and  was  nat'rally 
perlite.  However,  I  warn't  goin'  tu  tell  you  about  him,  but 
what  happened  a  spell  ago. 

One  night,  a  few  weeks  arter  I  was  in  the  enjoyment  o'  con^ 
nuble  solicitude,  him  and  me  was  sottin'  in  the  parlor,  when  he 
sez  tu  me : 

"  Have  you  read,  mum,  of  Queen  Emma's  arrival  in  the  city, 
mum  ?" 

"Yes,  I  have,"  sez  I;  "and  I  tell  you  what,  Lawyer  Perkins, 
I  mean  tu  have  her  tu  tea. " 

"Eh!"  sez  he.  "Pardon  me,  Mrs.  Perkins,  mum,  but  I 
scarcely  comprehend. " 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  mean  tu  send  Queen  Emma  an  invite  tu 
tea." 

Sez  he,  "Mrs.  Perkins,  mum,  I  fear  royalty  would  scarcely 
honor  our  humble  board  with  its  presence." 


322  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"They  say  she  ain't  a  bit  stuck  up,"  sez  I.  "Anyway,  I'll 
ask  her." 

Sez  he,    "I  think  it  would  be  useless,  mum." 

Sez  I,  "Ef  you  durst  to  hinder  me  from  hevin'  all  the  com- 
pany I  want  you'll  find  yourself  mistaken." 

"You  misunderstand  me,  mum,"  sez  he. 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "jest  don't  give  me  no  reason  tu,  but  take 
the  note  to-morrow  and  fetch  back  an  answer. " 

"A  note,  mum?"  sez  he. 

"Tu  Queen  Emma,"  sez  I. 

"Oh,"  sez  he,  lookin'  very  queer.  I  reckon  he  thought  I'd 
spend  tu  much  on  company,  or  else  he'd  been  a-flirtin'  with  her, 
and  was  afeard  it  would  all  come  out.  Anyway,  I  intended  fur 
tu  hev  her  come.  Arter  he  had  retired  I  sot  down  and  writ  the 
follerin' : 

"Miss  SANDWICH — Dear  Mum  :  I  sot  down  fur  tu  take  the 
liberty  o'  sendin'  you  an  invite  tu  tea.  I  shouldn't  hev  pre- 
sumptioned  tu  du  it  only  fur  my  elevated  position  in  serciety. 
I'm  the  lady  o'  a  legal  lawyer  and  move  in  the  fust  o'  circles. 
'Twon't  be  no  deirogation  o'  you  tu  come  tu  see  me,  ef  you  air 

a  queen.     My  residenz  is  No.  —  D street,  and  we  hev  tea 

at  six.     Please  answer  by  the  bearer,  my  husband,  Lawyer  Per- 
kins, and  believe  me  yours,  with  respex, 

"The  late  Miss  CHARITY  GRINDER, 
"Miss  LEGAL  LAWYER  PERKINS." 

"Now,"  sez  I  tu  Perkins  the  next  day,  "you  jest  take  this  tu 
where  Queen  Emma  is  stopping  and  fotch  hum  an  answer,"  and 
he  took  it,  larfin'  as  ef  'twas  a  terrible  joke,  and  sot  out 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  333 

When  he  comes  hum,  sez  I,    "Well  ?" 

Sezhe,   "Hey?" 

Sez  I,   "What  did  Queen  Emma  say?" 

' '  Well, "  sez  he,  ' '  she  said  she  calkerlated  she'd  come,  mum, 
ef  she  warn't  otherwise  engaged. 

"  Didn't  she  send  no  perlite  message  about  rejoicin'  tu  make 
Miss  Lawyer  Perkins'  acquaintance?"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  he,    "come  to  think  on't,  she  did." 

Sez  I,  "that's  the  way  o'  the  men  sect — they  allers  forget  the 
importanttest  p'int." 

"We  air  inferior  in  such  things  tu  yourn,  mum,"  sez  he ;  and 
that's  the  wust  o'  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins — the  more  you  blow  him 
up  the  perliter  he  is ;  can't  have  it  out  with  him  nohow. 

Well,  seein'  Queen  Emma  was  comin',  I  sot  tu  work  and 
done  up  my  preserves,  and  made  cake  and  all  kinds  o'  goodies, 
and  I  told  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins  how't  the  minute  he  come  hum 
he  must  go  up  and  put  on  his  best  shirt  and  neck-tie,  and  when 
he  come  in  tu  call  her  Miss  Sandwich,  and  not  forget  and  gq^ 
redressin'  o'  her  by  her  crissen  name,  and  he  promised  tu. 

Well,  I  dressed  in  my  weddin'  gownd,  and  waited  and  waited, 
and  four  o'clock  come  and  she  hadn't  arriv'.  And  then  sez  I  tu 
the  help  : 

"Jane,  you  go  down  tu  the  corner  and  keep  a  bright  lookout 
Queen  Emma  is  a-comin',  and  I  don't  want  her  tu  miss  the 
house.  She's  a  furriner  and  don't  talk  American,  and  maybe 
might  go  astray. " 

" Is  it  a  quane  she  is? '  sez  Jane. 


324  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

"Yes,"  sez  I. 

"Lor' save  us!"  sez  the  gal.  "Would  she  aven  herself  to 
come  here  and  take  tay  wid  yees  ?" 

Sez  I,  ' '  We're  all  free  and  equal  here,  only  the  helps ;  and  I 
don't  consider  it  no  honor,  seein'  I  be  who  I  be. " 

She  makes  a  courtesy,  and  sez  she : 

"Mum,  if  ye  plaze,  if  she's  a  bit  like  Quane  Victory  she'll 
come  in  her  kerridge." 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "you  watch  the  kerridges,  tu  ;  but  she  may 
come  in  a  stage." 

"How'il  I  know  her?"  sez  the  gal. 

"She's  kind  o'  cullered,"  sez  I,  "and  she's  a  furriner.  You 
ask  her  if  she  ain't  Queen  Emma,  and  she'll  tell  you." 

Well,  the  gal  went  off,  and  in  about  an  hour  more  she  came 
back  with  a  lady  along  o'  her.  She  was  a  good  deal  darker  than 
I  expected,  and  wasn't  dressed  no  great ;  but  she  was  smilin' 
and  noddin'  very  afferbel  indeed. 

I  runs  out,  and  sez  I,  "Why,  here  you  air  at  last,  Miss  Sand- 
wich. I  a'most  gin  you  up.  How  air  ye  ?" 

She  nods  and  grins. 

Sez  Jane,  ' '  She's  the  funniest  quane  ever  I  see.  I'd  a  took 
her  fur  a  nagur.  And  niver  a  word  a  body  can  understand  does 
she  know. " 

"Why,  la?  she's  a  furriner,  of  course,"  sez  I.  "Du  take  a 
seat,  Miss  Sandwich, "  and  she  sot  down. 

Sez  Jane,  ' '  I  axed  her  was  her  name  Quane  Emma,  and  she 
said  'Yes.'" 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  325 

"Excuse  the  help  for  not  callin'  on  ye,  Miss  Sandwich,"  sez  I. 
'•  She  nods,  and  sez  she,  "Yes,  I  Emma.  Where  is  leetle 
baby?" 

"Eh?"  sez  I.  "Lor',  me  and  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins  ain't 
got  no  famerly." 

"Me  no  understand,"  sez  she. 

"  Oh  !"  sez  I,  adaptin'  o'  my  langwidge  to  furrin  understand- 
in'.  ' '  All  gone  baby — no  baby — never  had  none. " 

"Oh!"  sez  she,  clasping  her  hands.      "It  is,  den,  dead?" 

"Mussy,  no,"  sez  I;   " never  was  born. " 

Sez  she,    ' '  I  comprehend  not. " 

Sez  I,    "I  wish  I  understood  Sandwich,  but  I  don't" 

Jess  then  the  door  opened,  and  I  knowed  my  spouze  had 
arriv'.  I  runs  out 

"Fix  yerself,  smart,"  sez  I.      "Miss  Sandwich  is  here." 

"Eh?"  sez  he. 

"Queen  Emma  has  come,"  sez  I. 

"Ah!  hal  one  of  your  little  witticisms,  Mrs.  Perkins,  mum," 
sez  he. 

' '  'Tain't, "  sez  I.  ' '  It's  true ;  and  she's  jest  like  other  colored 
folks,  only  furrin. " 

Sez  he,    "I  hope  you  air  not  feverish,  Miss  Perkins,  mum." 

Sez  I,  "  Law,  no,  I  ain't  crazy,  if  that's  what  you  mean.  Go 
up  and  fix,  and  you '11  see." 

So  he  went  and  fixed,  and  down  he  comes. 

Minit  he  enters,  sez  I,  "Miss  Sandwich,  allow  me  tu  inter- 
duce  you  tu  my  espoused  pardner,  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins. " 


3z6  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

She  courtesies.  He  bows,  starin'  like  a  loon.  Then  he 
whispers  tu  me,  ' '  You  air  mistaken,  I  assure  you,  Mrs.  Per- 
kins, mum." 

Sez  I,  "No,  I  hain't  Why,  land  o'  liberty!  'tain't  sech  a 
dretful  honor." 

Then  the  tea-bell  rung,  and  we  all  went  down  and  sot  by. 
Purty  soon  there  come  a  knockin'  at  the  basement  door,  and 
the  gal  answers  and  comes  in. 

Sez  she,    "A  gentleman,  mum." 

Sez  I,    "Show  him  in." 

I  was  willin'  he  should  see  Queen  Emma  and  me  was  inti- 
mate, whoever  he  was. 

So  in  walks  a  man,  bowin',  and  sez  he,  in  furrin  accent : 

"Madame,  I  understand  you  have  kindly  entertained  my 
newly  arrived  nurse,  Emma,  I  am  oblige.  She  did  lose  her- 
self. I  will  now  escort  her  home. " 

"Eh?"  sez  I. 

"There  she  is,  I  see,"  sez  he. 

"Why,  that's  Queen  Emma,"  sez  I;  but  Lawyer  Perkins 
squoze  my  foot  with  his'n,  and  I  begun  tu  think  I  was  mistook. 
So  I  kept  quiet  Then  the  colored  woman  flowed  tu  the  furrin 
gentleman  and  kissed  his  hand  and  cried,  and  he  sez  : 

"She  was  my  faithful  nurse  in  the  West  Indies,  and  now  that 
I  have  marry,  I  send  for  her  to  narse  my  child.  I  thank  you 
very  much,  sir  and  madame,  for  her  entertainments. " 

' '  Always  delighted  tu  be  of  use, "  sez  Lawyer  P. ,  and  out  they 
walks. 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  327 

I'd  a  mind  tu  tear  her  eyes  out,  only  I  didn't  want  tu  be  larfed 
at.  What  is  the  use  o'  a  tongue  if  you  dunno  American  ?  I 
bet  the  critter  thought  she'd  parse  herself  off  fur  Queen  Emma. 
Couldn't  be  so  stupid  as  not  tu  know  what  I  said,  when  I  talked 
as  furrin  as  I  could. 

Lawyer  Perkins  condolated  with  me,  and  sed  'twas  a  nat'ral 
mistake,  and  that  mebbe  Queen  Emma  would  come  next  day, 
and  she  didn't  Good  reason  why ;  fur  a  week  arter,  when  I 
was  huntin'  his  pockets  fur  love  letters,  I  found  mine  tu  her. 
He  hadn't  never  gin  it  He  didn't  hev  much  sleep  that  night,  I 
reckon.  I  kin  hear  him  tors  and  groan  yet  If  it  hadn't  a 
been  fur  his  neglectin'  my  orders,  I'd  hev  had  Queen  Emma  tu 
tea,  and  had  it  tu  write  tu  Tabby  Mouser  and  Jonathan,  and  the 
rest  tu  Peekskill ;  and  I  wouldn  t  hev  thrown  away  my  sass  and 
cake  on  a  colored  help,  and  the  neighbors  would  hev  seen  a 
coach  and  six  horses  fixed  up  with  wampum  and  gilt  driv  tu  the 
door,  and  Queen  Emma  would  have  got  out  with  her  crown  and 
feathers,  and  a  trail  a  yard  long ;  and  they'd  a  knowed  that  I  was 
somebody  o'  gentilitude  and  intellectability,  and  gin  me  proper 
respect  fur  the  future  ;  and  this  is  a  warnin'  tu  me  not  tu  trust 
the  men  sect  with  nuthin'.  The  best  on  'em  is  deceivin'  traitors. 
Like  enough,  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins  thought  she'd  bring  some  o' 
the  Sandwich  noblemen  along,  and  was  jealous.  That's  one 
o'  the  ill  conveniences  o'  bein'  a  person  o'  considerable  good 
looks  and  attractin'  attention.  Your  pardner  will  be  jealous. 


328  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  FORTY-ONE. 

LAWYER       PERKINS       WINKS. 

Oh,  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins,  don't  tell  me  !  Do  you  think  I 
haven't  got  no  eye  ?  Don't  you  see  'em  turned  up  tu  Aurory, 
wonderin'  at  your  conduct  ?  I'd  have  you  tu  know  that  there 
have  been  them  as  has  knowed  my  vally  ef  you  don't.  There's 
them  that  would  a-given  their  two  eyes  out  o'  their  head  fur  a 
smile  o'  mine,  and  it's  fur  this  here  that  I  have  scorned  'em  all. 
Men,  you  ain't  fit  fur  tu  black  their  boots  fur  'em.  The  fust 
magnits  o'  literary  serciety  has  gin  me  their  intentions,  and  has 
committed  feller-de-spree  on  account  o'  my  coldness.  I  used  tu 
be  called  the  Iceberg  o'  Peekskill  on  account  o'  the  coldness  o' 
my  conduct  tu  the  gentlemen  sect  I've  had  twenty-five  propo- 
sitions o'  nuptial  marriage,  and  no  eend  o'  serenades ;  and  I've 
been  eloped  with  twice  and  a  arf,  and  I  might  have  had  more'n 
one  o'  the  Presidents  o'  these  United  States,  and  a  perfesser  o' 
knowledge  in  a  college,  and  I  condescended  tu  hev  a  legal  law- 
yer without  a  t'other  coat,  and  there  is  my  thanks. 

What  have  you  done  ?  Oh,  you  critter !  you  pison  sarpint  o' 
serciety,  you  know !  You've  winked  at  the  help.  I  seen  you. 
You  winked  at  her  with  your  left  eye.  Bon't  deny  it.  And 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  329 

look  a-hcre,  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins,  ef  you  want  a  drink  o'  water, 
1 1  cover  your  confusion  o'  countenance,  you  go  and  git  it  out  o' 
Lie  hokernut  dipper  ontu  the  back  porch,  and  don't  muck  up 
my  goblicks  that  I've  shined  up  till  they're  as  nice  as  dimonts, 
and  you  can  see  your  phizmogony  intu  'em  like  glass. 

Whatever  you  have  tu  say  o'  me  arter  I'm  dead  and  gone,  you 
can't  say  how't  I  didn't  have  my  house  like  Avax,  and  devote  my- 
self tu  your  comfort,  you  ungrateful  man.  That  very  puddin' 
you've  been  gobberlin'  without  a  thought  o'  me,  though  proberly 
you  was  a  ruminatin'  ontu  the  help,  was  made  by  these  hands, 
that  some  I  won't  mention  would  ha'  been  glad  to  call  their  own, 
but  that  you  don't  vally  one  mite.  Oh,  don't  tell  me,  Lawyer 
Perkins ! — and  before  you  lean  your  head  back  agin  my  rockin'- 
cheer  be  pleased  tu  put  your  handkercher  behind  it ;  there's  tu 
much  lard  and  hair  dye  on  your  hair  tu  improve  my  furniture — 
and  when  I'm  expired  o'  cruelty  and  neglect,  I  want  them  that 
comes  tu  my  funeral  tu  say,  "  How  good  she  kept  her  things." 
There,  now,  you're  a-kickin'  the  table-leg. 

Law,  yes,  when  I  was  a  gal  the  folks  used  tu  say,  "There's 
Charity,  now.  She  is  sure  tu  make  a  good  match.  She's  got 
beauty,  and  afferbilitude,  and  manners  that  would  be  a  credit  tu 
the  upper  rank  o'  sercietude,  and  she's  intellectabil — one  o'  the 
talentedest  o'  her  sect — and  there's  suthin'  about  her,  that  you 
don't  often  see  in  a  young  gal,  tu  distract  the  distension  o'  the 
most  discernin'  o'the  men  sect" 

And  there's  other  things  they  used  tu  say  that  my  modesty 
won't  allow  me  fur  tu  repeat,  and  here's  the  eend  on't ;  gone 


330  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

through  the  woods  tu  pick  up  a  crooked  stick  at  last.  Ah  !  and 
tu  be  betrayed,  and  insulted,  and  wounded  intu  the  tenderest 
feelin's  o'  my  buzzum.  Don't  you  dare  deny  it,  Legal  Lawyer 
Perkins,  you  winked  at  her.  No,  you  haven't  got  tickdollaryou 
in  your  eye.  Ef  you  had  you'd  go  tu  bed,  and  be  lazier  than 
what  you  be  nmv.  I  haven't  a  solitary  doubt  how't  that's  the 
reason  you  ain't  got  no  clientudes,  you're  lookin'  out  o'  the  win- 
der tu  wink  at  the  gal  sect  the  heft  o'  the  time.  'Twarn't  so  bad 
when  you  was  a  widdiwer ;  but  now  you  be  a  married  man,  you 
might  know  better.  'Tain't  my  own  wounded  feelin's  I'm  think- 
in'  of,  but  the  disgrace  of  hearin'  folks  say,  "There's  the  late 
Miss  Grinder.  Miss  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins'  pardner  winkin'  at 
a  help. " 

I've  gin  the  gal  warnin',  and  engaged  a  humbly  coloied  per- 
son, o'  middlin'  age,  with  one  eye,  and  pitted,  and  told  her  how't 
ef  you  was  caught  winkin'  at  her  she'd  walk  short  meter.  No, 
don't  tell  that  falsehood  about  the  tickdollaryou.  I  wouldn't 
believe  you  on  your  testament  oath. 

Where  air  you  goin',  eh  ?  Tu  see  a  gentleman  on  bizness. 
Purty  bizness,  I  calkerlate.  Goin'  tu  git  a  patent  out  fur  wink- 
in'  at  gals  the  best  way,  I  shouldn't  wonder.  Last  time  you 
went  out  on  bizness,  du  you  remember  how  you  come  hum  at 
the  solemn  hour  o'  twenty  minits  and  a  harf  past  twelve — me  a- 
sittin'  up  fur  you?  Ah  !  when  I  was  a  young  and  lovely  critter 
that  hed  my  own  way,  I  never  sot  up  fur  nobody.  I  dunno  but 
what  I  don't  desarve  it.  I  knowed  the  men  sect.  No,  don't  go 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  331 

a-lookin'  repentant,  Legal  Lawyer  Perkins.      You  know  you  hev 
done  wrong  ;  repentitude  won't  undu  it. 

Upon  your  honor  you  will  tell  the  trewth?  Well,  tell  it,  and 
don't  attempt  tu  deceive  me. 

You  was  jealous?  Hey?  Why,  land  o'  liberty!  I  hadn't 
never  gin  you  no  cause. 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — Yes,  mum.  I  am  aware,  mum,  that  it 
was  merely  imaginary.  But  permit  me  to  explain,  Mrs.  Per- 
kins, mum.  Allow  me  to  vindicate  myself,  mum.  We  mem- 
bers of  the  bar  have  lively  imaginations,  mum. 

CHARITY. — Was  it  yer  lively  imagination  that  made  you  wink 
at  the  help  ?" 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — Allow  me,  mum.  A  few  days  ago  a  gen- 
tleman— a  warrior  of  the  Union  army,  mum — called  on  me  to 
know  what  redress  he  could  have  in  a  case  of  winking.  A 
wretch  had  winked  at  his  wife.  I  gave  him  advice,  mum,  and 
that  night  sat  at  my  fireside  thinkin'  it  over,  mum.  Said  I  to 
myself,  "What  if  some  villain  should  wink  at  Mrs.  Perkins !" 
My  blood  boiled.  If  possible,  I  would  punish  him  with  the 
utmost  rigor  of  the  law,  I  thought.  If  possible,  I  would  bring 
him  to  the  gallows.  But,  thought  I,  the  thing  is  impossible; 
Mrs.  Perkins  resembles  Diana.  No  man  could  wink  at  Diana. 
Involuntarily  I  imitated  the  motion  with  my  own  eye.  Our  do- 
mestic entered  at  that  moment,  and  I  appeared  to  wink  at  her. 
That,  mum,  is  a  true  statement  of  the  facts,  given  under  my 
hand  and  seal — I  mean  to  say  a  veracious  statement,  mum. 

CHARITY. — Law!     Well,  p'raps  it's  true.     I  hope  and  trust  it 


332  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

is.  Jest  take  yer  feet  off  the  fender,  and  pick  up  that  hat  off 
the  table.  I  don't  want  the  polish  all  scratched  off.  Consider- 
in'  who  buys  yer  hats,  you  needn't  get  the  fuzz  all  off  the  crown 
so  soon,  nuther.  Well,  now  you  be  home  at  ten,  or  I'll  fetch 
yer ;  and  come  in  the  basement  way,  and  rub  yer  feet,  and  don't 
scratch  matches  on  my  new  paper,  and  jest  please  remember  not 
tu  wake  me  up,  fur  I  sha'n't  set  up  tu-night,  p'raps,  and  don't 
durst  hang  yer  things  on  a  cheer,  but  fold  'em  and  put  'em  in  a 
drawer. 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — Ahem  !  Have  you  a  five-dollar  bill  about 
you,  mum? 

CHARITY. — Well,  I  hev.     What  fur? 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — To  engage  counsel  for  the  defendant  in 
Tibbs  versus  Boggins. 

CHARITY. — There  it  is.  I  hope  you'll  clear  that  much.  Don't 
expect  it,  though.  Your  clientudes  is  costly,  seems  tu  me. 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — Thanks  and  au  revoir,  mum.     I  regret  to 

absent  myself,  but  juty  calls,      [Exit.  ] 

******* 

SCENE,  street  corner.  Enter  pretty  housemaid  ;  also  Lawyer 
Perkins. 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — You  here,  my  dear?  Just  time  to  go  to 
the  theater.  Can't  stay  for  the  afterpiece,  though. 

HOUSEMAID. — My  !     How  she  sticks  to  house ! 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — No  matter,  we'll  enjoy  ourselves.  A  very 
nice  play,  my  dear,  and  oysters  and  ale  afterward. 

HOUSEMAID. — And  you'll  give  me  them  gloves? 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  333 

LAWYER  PERKINS. — Certainly,  angel. 

HOUSEMAID. — Oh,  you  duck !     Go  'way.     And  what  fibs  yon 
told  about  winking ! 
[Exit  in  an  omnibus.] 


334  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 


NUMBER  FORTY-TWO. 

CHARITY     RETURNS     TO     PEEKSKILL. 

NEW  YORK,  September,  1866. 

DEAR  BROTHER  JONATHAN  : — Get  the  front  room  on  the  fust 
floor  ready  for  me,  and  hev  the  walnut-tree  bedstead  put  intu  it, 
and  a  wardrobe,  and  a  beurow,  and  four  cheers,  and  a  rocking- 
cheer,  and  the  biggest  lookin'-glass.  I'm  comin'  back  tu  Peeks- 
kill  fur  good.  'Twould  ha'  been  a  massy  ef  I  hadn't  never  come 
tu  York ;  but  sich  was  tu  be.  After  movin'  intu  the  fust  circles, 
and  livin'  in  the  heith  o'  fashionable  luxury,  I'm  obleeged  tu  put 
up  with  the  old  place  agin. 

Of  course  it's  a  blessin'  tu  you,  fur  your  wife  is  a  shiftless  crit- 
ter, that  dunno  enough  tu  go  in  when  it  rains ;  but  it'll  be  a 
change  tu  me,  pertickerly  as  I  don't  like  neither  on  ye. 

I  allers  hev  spoke  plain,  and  lashed  the  hypocrites,  and  I  glory 
in  it  I  du,  indeed. 

The  reason  I  ain't  happy  tu  Peekskill  is  because  there  ain't  no 
one  there  o'  intellectability  nor  polish.  Jest  as  rough  and  vul- 
gar as  an  old  shoe  the  heft  o'  'em  is.  But  needs  must  when  the 
old  gentleman  drives  ye.  I've  got  tu  come,  and  there's  an  eend 
on'L 


THE  GRIXDER  PAPERS.  335 

You'll  be  surprised  arter  hearin'  how't  I  was  united  tu  a  legal 
lawyer  o'  magnitude,  and  becomin'  the  queen  o'  serciety  in 
York.  But  my  feelin's  has  been  so  wounded  I'm  obleeged  tu 
fly  the  scenes  o'  my  former  triumph. 

Excuse  the  blots.  I'm  at  present  sheddin'  tears,  which  is  the 
occasion  o'  'em. 

The  'mount  o'  it  is  I  can't  hev  him  hung  without  disgracin'  o' 
myself.  Ef  I  could  hev  him  executed  under  a  fictitious  name 
I'd  du  it  But  'tain't  no  credit  tu  a  lady  tu  say  her  pardner  was 
capitally  punished,  so  I  can't  I'd  like  to  bile  him  like  a  lobster 
— pitch  him  intu  hot  water,  and  take  him  out  red.  Arter  my 
resolves  tu  eschew  the  men  sect,  and  never  be  nobody's  pardner  ; 
arter  treatin'  them  as  adored  me  with  disdain,  jest  think  o'  my 
bein'  took  in  by  sich  a  critter  at  last !  It  makes  my  blood  bile. 
I  don't  so  much  keer  fur  his  goin'  off,  fur  he  was  an  awful  ex- 
pense and  bother.  But  he  went  and  took  my  two  hundred  and 
fortys  with  him  in  a  carpet-bag. 

One  night  he  comes  in,  and  he  rubs  his  hands,  and  he  sots 
afore  the  fire,  and  sez  he : 

"Mrs.  Perkins,  mum,  I  have  glorious  news,  mum." 

"Hev  you?"  sez  I.      "I  hope  it's  a  clientude." 

"Well,  mum,"  sez  he,  "it's  better  than  a  thousand  clien- 
tudes. " 

"Lor1!"  sez  I. 

"Yes,"  sez  he.  "Now  this  cruel  war  is  over,  Uncle  Sam,  by 
which  familiar  name  I  allude  tu  our  great  country,  mum,  as  an 


336  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

affectionate  relative,  has  promised  to  make  every  inhabitant's 
fortune,  mum." 

' '  Heow  ?"  sez  I. 

"By  tu  hundred  and  forties, "  sez  he. 

"I've  heerd  on  'em, "  sez  I,  "but  I  don't  quite  see  intu  'em." 
I  didn't  a  bit,  but  I  warn't  goin'  tu  own  up. 

Then  he  sez,  "You've  only  got  tu  get  a  lawyer  tu  convert 
your  money  intu  tu  hundred  and  forties  and  realize  double. " 

Then  he  read  a  lot  o'  stuff  out  o'  a  paper,  and  it  sounded 
purty  good,  and  sez  he  : 

"I  don't  desire  to  interfere;  butef  I  was  you,  mum — I  give 
you  the  advice  gratis,  mum,  which  I  would  only  du  for  a  con- 
nection by  marriage — I  would  invest,  mum,  in  the  tu  hundred 
and  forties,  mum." 

Sez  I   "I  reckon  I  will." 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "you'll  be  richer  than  John  Jacob  Astor  in 
a  year  ef  you  du. " 

Sez  I,    "  Heow  am  I  tu  du  it  ?" 

"Well,"  sez  he,  " I  thought  the  notion  would  strike  you  fa- 
vorably, so  I  fetched  hum  the  dockyments. " 

And  out  he  lugged  a  lot  o'  parchment  and  red  tape. 

Sez  he,  "Jest  sign  these,  and  it's  done.  I'll  send  it  tu  gov- 
ernment, and  you'll  begin  tu  realize  tu-forties  in  a  year. " 

"Hey,"  sez  I;  "well,  that's  easy;  and  bein'  as  you  air  a 
legal  lawyer,  and  we're  pardners,  why,  it's  all  right,  I  suppose. " 

So  I  signed  my  name,  and  he  buttoned  up  the  papers  in  his 
coat 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  337 

All  night  long  I  dreamed  about  bein'  a  queen  and  hevin'  my 
dress  looped  up  with  diamonds,  and  when  I  woke  up  Legal 
Lawyer  Perkins  was  dressin'  tu  go  out. 

"You're  airly,"  sez  I. 

"Yes,"  sez  he.  "I  want  to  catch  Uncle  Sam  before  he  goes 
out,  mum." 

"Why,"  sez  I,    "what  hev  you  got  your  portmantle  fur?" 

Sez  he,    "Tu  fetch  hum  the  tu  hundred  and  forties  in." 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "don't  tell  nobody  what  you've  gotintu  it,  or 
you'll  hev  it  hooked.  York  is  an  awful  wicked  place. " 

"  So  it  is,  mum  ;  you  are  correct  as  usual  in  your  remarks, 
mum,"  sez  he,  and  off  he  goes  without  waiting  for  his  break- 
twist 

I  had  mine,  and  then  I  went  up  stairs  tu  derange  the  bed- 
room. Land  o'  liberty  !  fust  thing  I  noticed  was  that  his  shirts 
and  stockin's  was  gone.  I  begun  tu  get  skeered.  Either  he's 
took  'em  or  they  was  stole.  I  was  a  victim  o'  repressed  agger- 
tation,  but  I  didn't  say  nothin'.  I  relieved  my  feelin's  by  beatin' 
up  the  piller.  As  I  punched  his'n,  suthin'  tumbled  out.  Land 
o'  Goshen  !  'twas  a  note  tu  me.  I  jest  send  it  fur  you  tu  read  : 

MRS.  PERKINS. — Madam  :  When  you  discover  that  I  have  left 
New  York,  pray  do  not  be  alarmed  for  my  safety.  Your  kind- 
ness in  signing  your  property  over  to  me  has  placed  me  in  com- 
fortable circumstances.  Before  this  reaches  you  I  shall  have  left 
for  Europe.  As  a  lawyer,  with  some  knowledge  of  legal  mat- 
ters, I  respectfully  inform  you  that  the  papers  are  all  judiciously 
prepared,  and  that,  having  signed  them  (I  allude  to  what  we 


338  THE  GRINDER  PAPERS. 

playfully  spoke  of  as  the  two-forties),  it  is  beyond  your  power  to 
revoke  the  signature,  either  to  those  or  the  articles  of  separation 
I  drew  up  last  night.  Besides,  I  have  been  just  and  generous. 
Your  money  in  the  bank  and  the  oil  farm  are  mine  ;  but  your 
place  at  Peekskill  is  yet  your  own.  Why  not  retire  there?  But 
time  presses ;  I  must  close  With  many  thanks  for  your  oblig- 
ing signature,  I  sign  myself, 

Yours,  PERKINS. 

It's  all  true,  Jonathan.  He  had  made  a  fool  o'  me,  and  with 
my  sagacitude,  think  what  a  knowin'  critter  he  must  ha'  bin  ! 

I  went  intu  highstrikes,  and  wouldn't  be  fetched  tu  fur  hours, 
arter  I'd  found  out  he  really  had  my  money,  and  I'm  goin'  tu 
auction  the  furniture  and  start  fur  Peekskill.  What's  my  loss  is 
your  gain,  and  I  know  you  will  be  delighted ;  but  it's  a  come 
down  fur  me,  I  tell  ye. 

Tell  your  wife  to  hev  turkey  the  day  I  come,  and  biled  onions 
and  cranbysarce  ;  and  I  shill  want  the  closet  on  the  entry  fur  my 
trunk  and  numberill.  And  now  I  come  to  think  on't,  put  the 
mahogany  stand  in  my  room,  tu,  and  the  big  lamp  with  a  globe. 
I  shall  set  there  a  good  deal,  fur  your  serciety  won't  be  agreeable 
to  me  arter  the  intillectabil  folks  I've  bin  used  tu.  And  send  the 
wagon  down  to  fetch  me — remember. 
Your  affectionate  sister, 

Miss  LEGAL  LAWYER  PERKINS, 

(Late  Miss  Grinder. ) 

P.  S. — Things  does  happen  tu  unship,  you  know,  and  he 
may  git  drownded  on  his  way  tu  Europe.  There's  that  comfort 


THE  GRINDER  PAPERS.  339 

left  fur  me.  Tain't  much,  because  I  reckon  he  meant  tu  be 
hung,  and  water  won't  tetch  him.  But  whatever  happens,  I 
sha'n't  incurridge  the  intentions  o'  none  o'  the  men  sect.  I 
know  them  now,  the  critters — a  connivin'  set  o'  wretches.  No, 
don't  give  'em  no  hopes  o'  that.  I'm  firm. 

P.  P.  S. — Jest  thinkin'  on't,  is  General  Brownbags  o'  the 
tavern  a  widdiwer  yet?  Ah,  them  that  has  broke  hearts  does 
sometimes  come  to  repentance.  I  treated  him  shameful.  You 
might  jest  mention  how't  I  warn't  sure  but  Legal  Lawyer  Per- 
kins might  git  drownded  goin'  over,  and  how't  I'd  asked  arter 
him.  Ajeu,  Jonathan, 

Your  onhappy  sister, 

Miss  L.  L.  P.,  lateC.  G. 


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Longfellow's  Home  Life— By  Blanche  Roosevelt  Machetta i  50 

Hawk-eyes — A  comic  book  by  "The  Burlington  Hawkeye  Man."     Illustrated.,   i  50 

Redbirds  Christmas  Story — An  Illustrated  Juvenile.     By  Mary  J.  Holmes 50 

The  Culprit  Fay— Joseph  Rodman  Drake's  Poem.     With  100  illustrations 2  oc 

L"  Assommoir — English  Translation  from  Zola's  famous  French  novel i  oo 

Parlor  Amusements — Games,  Tricks,  Home  Amusements,  by  Frank  Bellew i  oo 

Love  [L' Amour] — English  Translation  from  Michelet's  famous  French  work ....    i  50 
Woman  [La  Femme] — The  Sequel  to  "L'Amour"         Do.  Do.          ....  i  50 

Verdant  Green — A  racy  English  college  Story.     With  200  comic  illustrations i  50 

Why  Wife  and  I  Quarreled— Poem  by  the  Author  of"  Betsey  and  I  are  Out". .   i  oo 
A  Northern  Governess  at  the  Sunny  South — By  Professor  J.  H.  Ingraham..   i  50 

Birds  of  a  Feather  Flock  Together — By  Edward  A  Sothern,  the  actor i  50 

West  India  Pickles — A  yacht  Cruise  in  the  Tropics.      By  W.  P.  Talboys i  50 

Yachtman's  Primer — Instructions  for  Amateur  Sailors.     By  Warren 50 

The  Fall  of  Man — A  Darwinian  Satire,  by  author  of  "New  Gospel  of  Peace."..       50 
The  Cronicles  of  Gotham— A  New  York  Satire.     Do.  Do.  . .       25 

Ladies  and  Gentlemen's  Etiquette  Book  of  the  best  Fashionable  Society i  oo 

Love  and   Marriage — A  book  for  young  people.     By  Frederick  Saunders i  oo 

Under  the  Rose — A  Capital  book,  by  the  author  of  "  East  Lynne." i  oo 

So  Dear  a  Dream — A  novel  by  Miss  Grant,  author  of  "The  Sun  Maid." i  oo 

Give  me  thine  Heart — A  capital  new  domestic  Love  Story  by  Roe i  oo 

Meeting  Her  Fate — A  charming  novel  by  the  author  of  "  Aurora  Floyd." i  oo 

Faithful  to  the  End — A  delightful  domestic  novel  by  Roe. i  oo 

Delicate   Ground — A  powerful  new  novel  by  Mrs.  Annie  Edwardes. i  oo 


G.    W.    CARLETON  &>  COSS  PUBLICATIONS. 
Miscellaneous    "Works. 


Dawn  to  Noon— By  Violet  Fane..$i  50 
Constance's  Fate  — Do.  ..  i  50 
Breach  Love  Songs — Translated  .  50 

A  Bad  Boy's  First  Reader 10 

Lionjack  —  By   P.  T.  Barnum i  50 

Jack  in  the  Jungle — Do.          150 

Cats,  Cooks,  Etc— By  Edw.  T.  Ely.       50 

Drumming  as  a  Fine  Art 50 

How  to  Win  in  Wall  Street 50 

The  Life  of  Sarah  Bern  hardt 25 

Arctic  Travels — Isaac  I.  Hayes i  50 

College  Tramps — Fred.  A.  Stokes.,  i  50 
Gospels  in  Poetry— E.  H.  Kimball.  i  50 
Me— By  Mrs.  Spencer  W.  Coe...  .  50 
N.  Y.  to  San  Francis  co— Leslie —  i  50 


Don  Quixote — Illustrated $ 

Arabian  Nights — Do 

Robinson  Crusoe  Do        

Swiss  Family  Robinson — Illus..  . 
Debatable  Land— R.  Dale  Owen... 
Threading  My  Way.  Do. 

Spiritualism— By  D.  D.  Home 

Fanny  Fern  Memorials 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr — 4  vols.  in  one.... 
Northern  Ballads — E.  L.  Anderson. 

Offenbach's  Tour  in  America 

Stories  about  Doctors — Jeffreson. 
Stories  about  Lawyers      Do. 
Mrs.  Spriggins. — By  Widow  Bedott 
How  to  Make  Money — Davies.... 


Doctor  Antonio  —  By  Ruffini  ...... 

Beatrice  Cenci  —  From  the  Italian., 


Miscellaneous    Novels. 


i  50 


Madame  —  By  Frank  Lee  Benedict...  i   50 

A  Late  Remorse            Do.            ..  i  50 

Hammer  and  Anvil       Do.            ..  i   50 

Her  Friend  Laurence  Do.            ..  i  50 

Prairie  Flower  —  Emerson  Bennett,  i    50 

Among  the  Thorns  —  Dickinson....  i    50 

Women  of  To-day-Mrs.  W.H.  White  i  50 

Braxton's  Bar  —  R.  M.  Daggett  ____  i  50 

Miss  Beck  —  Tilbury  Holt    .......  I  50 

Sub  Rosa  —  Chas.  T.  Murray.  .......  50 

Hilda  and  I  —  E.  Bedell  Benjamin.-,  i  50 

A  College  Widow  —  C.  H.  Seymour  i  5° 

Old  M'sieur's  Secret  —  Translation.  50 

Petticoats  and  Slippers  ...  ......  50 

Shiftless  Folks  —  Fannie  Smith  .....  i  50 

Peace  Pelican,               Do.         .....  i  50 

Price  of  a  Life  —  R.  Forbes  Sturgis.  i  50 

Hidden  Power—  T.  H.  Tibbies  .....  i  50 

Two  Brides—  Bernard  O'Reilly  ____  i  56 

Sorry  Her  Lot  —  Miss  Grant  .......  i   oo 

Two  of  Us—  Calista  Halsey  .........  75 

Cupid  on  Crutches  —  A.  B.  Wood..  75 

Parson  Thorne-E.  M.  Buckingham,  i  50 

Marston  Hall  —  L.  Ella  Byrd  .......  i  50 

Ange—  Florence  Ma  rryatt  ...........  i  oo 

Errors—  Ruth  Carter  .............  I  50 

Unmistakable  Flirtation  —  Garner.  75 

Wild  Oats—  Florence  Marryatt  .....  i  50 

Widow  Cherry—  B.   L.  Farjeon  ____  25 


Solomon  Isaacs. 


Do. 


5° 


Edith  Murray—  Joanna  Mathews..  i   50 

Doctor   Mortimer — Fannie  Bean. ..  i  50 

Outwitted  at  Last— S.  A.  Gardner  i  50 

Vesta  Vane— L.  King,  R i  50 

Louise  and  I — C.  R.  Dodge i  50 

My  Queen — By  Sandette i   50 

Fallen  among  Thieves — Rayne...  i  50 

San   Miniato — Mrs.  Hamilton i  oo 

All  For  Her— A  Tale  of  New  York. .  i  50 

All  for  Him — Author  "All  for  Her  ".  i  50 

For  Each  Other.     Do i  50 

The    Baroness— Joaquin  Miller i  50 

One  Fair  Woman.        Do.  ..  i  50 


Saint  Leger — Richard  B.  Kimball.. 


Was  He  Successful  ? 


Do. 


Undercurrents  of  Wall  St.  Do.  . 
Romance  of  Student  Life.  Do.  . 
To-day.  Do  .. 

Life  in  San  Domingo.  Do.. 

Henry  Powers,  Banker.      Do.     . 

Led  Astray — Octave  Feuillet 

She  Loved  Him  Madly — Borys. .. 

Thick  and  Thin— Mery 

So  Fair  yet  False— Chavette 

A  Fatal  Passion — C.  Bernard 

A  Woman's  Case — Bessie  Turner.. 
Marguerite's  Journal — For  Girls.. 
Rose  of  Memphis— W.  C.  Falkner. 
Spell-Bound — Altxandre  Dumas... 
Heart's  Delight— Mrs.  Alderdice.. 
Another  Man's  Wife — Mrs.  Hartt. 
Purple  and  Fine  Linen — Fawcett.. 
Pauline's  Trial— L.  D.  Courtney... 

The  Forgiving  Kiss — M.  Loth 

Flirtation— A  West  Point  novel 

Loyal  unto  Death 

That  Awful  Boy 

That  Bridget  of  Ours 

Phcmie  Frost — Ann  S.  Stephens... 

Charette — An  American  novel 

Fairfax — Joi  n  Esten  Cooke 

Hilt  to  Hilt.  Do 

Out  of  the  Foam.        Do 

Hammer  and  Rapier.  Do 

Warwick— By  M.  T.  Walworth.... 


Lulu. 

Hotspur 

Stormcliff. 

Delaplaine. 

Beverly. 


Do. 
Do. 
Do. 
Do. 
Do. 


Kenneth— Snllie  A.  Brock 

Heart  Hungry — Westmoreland.... 

Clifford  Tioupe.  Do 

Silcott  Mill— Maria  D.  Deslonde.. 


John  Maribel. 


Do. 


Conquered — Bv  a  New  Author 

Janet — An  English  novel   

Tales  from  the  Popular  Operas.. 


MRS.  MARY  J.  HOLMES'  WORKS. 


DARKNESS  AND  DAYLIGHT. 

HUGH  WORTHINGTON. 

CAMERON   PRIDE. 

ROSE   MATHER. 

ETHELYN'S  MISTAKE. 

MILLBANK. 

EDNA  BROWNING. 

WEST  LAWN. 

MILDRED. 

IFORREST  HOUSE/ 


TEMPEST  AND  SUNSHINE. 

ENGLISH  ORPHANS. 

HOMESTEAD  ON  HILLSIDE. 

•LENA  RIVERS. 

MEADOW  BROOK. 

DORA   DEANE. 

COUSIN  MAUDE, 

MARIAN  GREY. 

EDITH  LYLE. 

DAISY  THORNTON.    (New). 

OPINIONS    OF    THE    PRESS. 

"Mrs.  Holmes'  stories  are  universally  read.  Her  admirers  are  numberless. 
She  is  in  many  respects  without  a  rival  in  the  world  of  fiction.  Her  characters  are 
•Iways  life-like,  and  she  makes  them  talk  and  act  like  human  beings,  subject  to  the 
same  emotions,  swayed  by  the  same  passions,  and  actuated  by  the  same  motives 
which  are  common  among  men  and  women  of  every  day  existence.  Mrs.  Holmes 
is  very  happy  in  portraying  domestic  life.  Old  and  young  peruse  her  stories 
with  great  delight,  for  she  writes  in  a  style  that  all  can  comprehend." — New 
York  Weekly. 

The  North  American  Review,  vol.  8t,  page  557,  says  of  Mrs.  Mary  J. 
Holmes'  novel,  "English  Orphans": — "With  this  novel  of  Mrs.  Holmes'  we  have 
been  charmed,  and  so  have  a  pretty  numerous  circle  of  discriminating  readers  to 
whom  we  have  lent  it.  The  characterization  is  exquisite,  especially  so  far  as 
concerns  rural  and  village  life,  of  which  there  are  some  pictures  that  deserve  to 
be  hung  up  in  perpetual  memory  of  types  of  humanity  fast  becoming  extinct  The 
dialogues  are  generally  brief,  pointed,  and  appropriate.  The  plot  seems  simple, 
so  easily  and  naturally  is  it  developed  and  consummated.  Moreover,  the  story 
thus  gracefully  constructed  and  written,  inculcates  without  obtruding,  not  only 
pure  Christian  morality  in  general,  but,  with  especial  point  and  power,  the  depen- 
dence of  true  success  on  character,  and  of  true  respectability  on  merit." 

"  Mrs.  Holmes*  stories  are  all  of  a  domestic  character,  and  their  interesv  Aer»- 
fore,  is  not  so  intense  as  if  they  were  more  highly  seasoned  with  sensationalism, 
but  it  is  of  a  healthy  and  abiding  character.  Almost  any  new  book  which  bet 
publisher  might  choose  to  announce  from  her  pen  would  get  .-n  immediate  »nd 
general  reading.  The  interest  in  her  tales  begins  at  once,  auJ  is  maintained  to 
the  close.  Her  sentiments  are  so  sound,  her  sympathies  so  warm  and  ready, 
and  her  knowledge  of  manners,  character,  and  the  *raried  incidents  of  ordinary 
fife  is  so  thorough,  that  she  would  find  it  difficult  to  write  any  other  than  MO 
ixcellent  tale  if  she  were  to  try  it." — Boston  Banner. 

fSff*  The  rolumes  are  all  handsomely  printed  and  bound  in  cloth,  fold  every 
trhere,  and  sent  by  mail,  postage  free,  on  receipt  of  price  [$1.50  each],  by 

G.  W.  CARLETON  &  CO.,  Publishers, 

Madison  Square,  New   York. 


A  VALUABLE  NEW  BOOK 

That  should  be  on  every  Scholar's  Table. 
CARLETON'S    HAND-BOOK 

POPULAR   QUOTATIONS. 

» 

A  book  of  Ready  Reference  for  such  phrases,  extracts 
and  Familiar  Quotations  from  popular  authors,  as  are 
oftenest  met  with  in  general  literature ;  together  with 
their  authorship  and  position  in  the  original.  Embracing, 
also,  the  best  list  of  quotations  from  foreign  languages 
ever  published.  Elegantly  printed  and  bound.  Price,$i.5o. 


If  you  want  to  find  any  Familiar  Quotation,  appropriate  to  any 
particular  Subject  or  Sentiment — this  book  will  give  it  to  you. 

If  you  want  to  know  who  is  the  author,  and  where  any  particular 
Familiar  Quotation  comes  from — this  book  will  tell  you. 

If  you  remember  part  of  a  Familiar  Quotation  and  want  to  know 
the  whole  of  it,  and  know  it  exactly — this  book  will  tell  you. 

If  you  want  to  know  the  exact  meaning  and  correctness  of  any 
Latin,  French  or  Familiar  Quotation,  in  any  Foreign  language — 
this  book  will  tell  you. 

If  you  simply  want  a  delightful  book  to  have  lying  upon  your 
table,  convenient  to  pick  up  and  entertain  you  with  charming  and 
Familiar  thoughts  and  Quotations  of  all  authors — this  is  the  book 
that  will  exactly  suit  you.  *  *  *  There's  none  more  fascinating 
in  the  English  language. 

%*  The  demand  for  this  remarkable  work  is  enormous.  The 
publishers  can  hardly  print  them  fast  enough.  They  are  for  sale  by 
every  bookseUer,  and  will  be  sent  by  mail,  postage  free,  on  receipt  of 
the  price,  $1.50,  by 

G.  W.  CARLETON  &  CO.,  Publishers, 

Madison  Square,  New    York. 


